Need Your Advice Again, Please

[angelsnairwaves]

I wouldnt get so discouraged. Of course it's going to be awkward the first time you meet someone like that. Sounds like you are being a bit hard on yourself. Hopefully he is understanding that you really didn't feel well. You couldn't control that. Obviously you like him if you drove a long distance to visit him. That should say something to him. And it sounds like he did come on too strong. Maybe he just felt very comfortable around you. Guys are more likely to go with the moment. Women are more reserved. I would try again. Make it a short visit. No expectations. I WOULD however expect it to be kind of awkward. I think that's only normal. It will take a while for you two to become comfortable around each other. Maybe you could make arrangements for him to visit you.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes. He did try and get physical but not in a violent or nasty way. He's one of those "touchy-feely" people, wanted to hold hands, hug, cuddle which I do like but definitely not on a first date, or even second or thirds.

I dont blame you Amber. A strange guy trying to hug and cuddle on a first date would put me right off also. So would the 'love at first sight'. No such, just people trying to fulfill their self-made fantasies. Trust your gut on this one. You aren't distant, just cautious and there is nothing wrong with that.

Not sure you need to throw the baby out w/the bathwater re: dating sites but you might want to take a break from them for a while and recentre.

[Amber2011]

I wouldnt get so discouraged. Of course it's going to be awkward the first time you meet someone like that. Sounds like you are being a bit hard on yourself. Hopefully he is understanding that you really didn't feel well. You couldn't control that. Obviously you like him if you drove a long distance to visit him. That should say something to him. And it sounds like he did come on too strong. Maybe he just felt very comfortable around you. Guys are more likely to go with the moment. Women are more reserved. I would try again. Make it a short visit. No expectations. I WOULD however expect it to be kind of awkward. I think that's only normal. It will take a while for you two to become comfortable around each other. Maybe you could make arrangements for him to visit you.

I have not contacted his man nor he me. Going anywhere is out of the question for at least the next 6 weeks as I can't drive at the moment (broken wrist in plaster and very painful).

I would not want him to visit me as I have a feeling getting him to go home again would be hard. I never did tell him where I live, only the area - and it's a fairly big area.

I still feel sad at what happened but my gut instinct was that he was wrong for me and I'll stick with that.

[Amber2011]

Quick update. We have got back in touch with each other. I have not been able to get him out of my head, my son thought I should contact him. As he said if I heard nothing at least I would have brought things to a conclusion rather than leave things up in the air so I wrote to him fully expecting he wouldn't bother to reply. Surprisingly, he did. I think we both understand each other a bit better now. We are going to have a second meeting. It will be at my house as travelling is difficult for me just now. However, my son (he's 25) will be here. This will probably be sometime over the weekend so I'll let you know how things go later. I feel a lot happier now. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to leave things up in the air.

[miffy]

Good for you! After reading the discussion I was a bit surprised you'd have another meeting in your house, and not on neutral ground. But the son as a chaperone might work out.

It's plain that it bothers you to leave the issue unresolved in a manner of speaking, I wish you the very best in exploring it fully.

I would also like to point out that this thread is a perfect example of a well spelled-out problem and mature discussion evolving from it (no age pun intended), and I enjoyed reading it. I wish others on the forum would pick up on this mode of communication.

[Amber2011]

Good for you! After reading the discussion I was a bit surprised you'd have another meeting in your house, and not on neutral ground. But the son as a chaperone might work out.

It's plain that it bothers you to leave the issue unresolved in a manner of speaking, I wish you the very best in exploring it fully.

I would also like to point out that this thread is a perfect example of a well spelled-out problem and mature discussion evolving from it (no age pun intended), and I enjoyed reading it. I wish others on the forum would pick up on this mode of communication.

Thanks Miffy. The last time I went to his house, this time he's coming to mine. Since I got in touch with him last night, e-mails have been flying back and forth, also texts. For some reason, we seem to have a bond, have had from the start. Can't explain it, we both know it's there. We've both been through the mill in life more than once.

As you get older too, you realise that time is running out and do we really want to live a life alone because of fear?

The other day my son and I had a real heart to heart talk. My son nearly died when he was 15 and we are very close. It was as if the roles had been reversed but he made me face up to myself and my own fears. He is wise beyond his 25 years.

He said that as human beings we have a need to reach out to other humans. He also read every e-mail that passed between me and this man. He read it as an outsider (my son has a big interest in psychology). He liked what he read from the e-mails of this man and felt that I should at least give him a chance. He pointed out something interesting. He said that every man I've had in my life was totally wrong for me including his own father. He said that here's a man who could genuinely love and cherish me and I run a mile. He got me to question why. We decided the answer lay with the way I was brought up. My mother was very strange where men were concerned. In my teens, if I said to her that I liked a particular boy, she would accuse me of throwing myself at them when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth. She showed me little affection as a child and perhaps of that, I am scared to give my emotions.

My late husband and I got on well for the first few years then things went downhill, partly because of his illness and partly because we had nothing in common. I also caught him lying on more than one occasion but he made the cardinal sin. He tried to cause a rift between my son and me, After one particularly heated argument, my son just happened to come down to make a cup of tea. My late husband pointed to him and shouted "And as for him, I only took on that baggage to get to you". That was the night I took whatever feelings I had for my late husband, put them in a box and threw away the key. From that moment on we were husband and wife in name only. That was over six years ago.

We became closer in the last three months of his life but I still didn't love him. I felt great pity, but not love. A few days before he died, he did something so cruel, nasty and vicious even in death I cannot forgive him.

After his death (which was sudden due to a disease no-ne knew he had) I had to go through all his personal possessions, including what he'd kept from his previous marriage. It was an eye-opener. His ex wife was an alcoholic but it was him who drove her to drink. He'd treated her in exactly the same way he'd treated me, bled us both dry. The only difference was he couldn't get the better of me directly because I was mentally and emotionally stronger than him and I don't like drink. He then tried to hurt me through my son. What a coward of a man to pick on someone with serious health problems. My son rose above all the taunts and nastiness.

Maybe you can see where I'm coming from. This man has been in a similar position to me, perhaps even worse because his wife walked out and left him holding the baby who was born with a serious heart defect. His daughter has been in and out hospital all her life and will always be. He brought her up himself so that perhaps shows what kind of man he is inside. Physically, he is not really my type, but it's what's inside that counts, looks are only skin deep and I do think he is a good and kind man. The problem is me, not him and it took my son to show me that.

It feels good to write this down. Maybe I'm finally facing up to myself.

Thankyou for reading.

[miffy]

Glad it's helping, writing always helps me personally as well.

I do find several aspects of your story a bit bewildering, but won't press any questions...you've dealt with that and it's not the issue at hand. However, I do wish to point out that psychologically, it seems like your son is the only real partner that you've ever had, and you should bear that in mind when dealing with your new interest. Your partner is no competition to him in a way, which may be a problem. If he's interested in psychology your son may even know this and is telling you to finally allow a real partner in your life.

[IndiReloaded]

Amber, you've been through the wringer. I'm amazed you're even willing to try dating again, kudos to you. I still think this guy was too forward with the physical contact. Its decent of you to give him another chance (many wouldn't). I wish you well with this. Perhaps if nothing else you'll have found a new friend.

[Amber2011]

Glad it's helping, writing always helps me personally as well.

If he's interested in psychology your son may even know this and is telling you to finally allow a real partner in your life.

That's what he's done. He also happens to be a very good judge of character and often sees things that I don't.

As for questions, feel free to ask. As for my marriage, for the first few years we were happy but things went downhill between us then the night he said what he did about my son killed anything that was left. We stayed together because we had no option. He refused to leave as did I. We were joint tenants and here in the UK it is very difficult to get someone to leave. For the most part we maintained civility but that was all.

We did grow closer again before he died but when he did die, awful as it sounds, I felt a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

[Amber2011]

Well, we met again - on my territory this time. We did have an enjoyable afternoon, went for a walk and did a lot of talking.

I sat opposite him except for the last 10 minutes of his visit. This time, he did try and have a quick grope. He promptly got told to get his hand off. He knew by my tone of voice that I meant it. I think he sees women as pieces of meat and sorry, I won't be a piece of meat for anyone. I also watched how he interacted with my dog (who's a German Shepherd) and my two indoor cats. My dog knocked my coffee over and some of it spilled on him. I SWEAR the dog had a smirk on his face. One of my cats wouldn't leave him alone and he started to get impatient with her while the other just sat and looked at him with disdain from a distance.

The first time we met, I did not feel well. This time I was 100% on the ball. My son was also in the house so having him as chaperone made me feel safe. This man obviously has a very high sex drive and did say he was very adventurous and liked to experiment. So, warning bells ringing loudly, I replied to the e-mail he sent when he got home and told him, kindly that I would not be contacting him again but hoped he would meet someone he could be happy with.

I have self respect and I won't compromise that. If I meet someone eventually who is compatible with me on all levels, I want the whole romance and courtship thing. I am not prepared to acceot second best and any relationship with this man would have just been that - second best and I think I deserve better than that.