Continueous problem... please help so I can find happiness

[shasta]

I'm continually have the same problem in every relationship that I enter into. Please help me figure out whats going or if there is something that I can do. PLEASE, I feel like this issue is hindering my chance for happiness...

Ok so all of my relationships start the same. The first few weeks are magical, the sensuality is amazing, each kiss is electric, and every time we make love its very pleasurable. I'm very happy and contented... I feel like wow this guy is so great, has most of the characteristics I need in a man.. should be all good right? Well it is all good till maybe a month or so in and I just start dreading the times we are about to make love, and hate that this man desires me so much. The sexuality has turned into a duty rather than a spur of the moment passionate fire. I love having sex, I love to be physical, but for some reason around this mark in the relationship I just feel burdened with the relationship duties. I just want to make love if the feelings arise, which at this point are arising much less. I often feel like it would be perfect if the relationship could transform into a close loving friendship rather than a romantic sexual relationship. I have tried to negotiate this angle in the past with many of my relationships but the men just wont consider this. They want the whole package, not just friendship, so I eventually give in and continue the relationship for a time. But once I find a positive path out, like an opportunity of some sort, or I have to move on (because I'm traveling internationally and visas are sometimes short) then I end the relationship leaving him broken hearted. I move on and continue to love him as a person from afar offering him support in any way I can and hoping that he finds the woman that will make him happy and complete. But I see how much potential there could be in these relationships, particularly the one I'm in at the moment. Wonderful caring, loving man, simple but able to offer me a beautiful long term relationship. So I don't want to let this issue screw this up.

Am I supposed to be alone? Should I just swear off romantic relationships? I don't want to break anymore hearts, and I really love these men, what can I do?
Any help, guidance, or information that you can provide will be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance for your kindness and help!

[Amber2011]

I often feel like it would be perfect if the relationship could transform into a close loving friendship rather than a romantic sexual relationship. I have tried to negotiate this angle in the past with many of my relationships but the men just wont consider this. They want the whole package, not just friendship,

Oh boy. I know where you're coming from on this one. I have a gentleman friend who wants the whole shebang too.

I think, for some reason some of us can't let go emotionally, perhaps subconsciously being afraid of rejection, or we don't think we are worthy of another human being showing us love and affection in the emotional sense rather than the physical sense.

Perhaps it relates to the way we were brought up. Could even be that you've had bad experiences in the past so even if you wanted a full relationship in every sense of the word, something holds you back then you end the relationship.

I am learning how destructive this can be and am attempting to overcome it.

It could also be that you haven't yet found the right man for you.

Not sure if this is any help or not but I hope it is.

[carl1222]

Most people (men and women alike) compartmentalize their friendships from their romantic interests. It has been said that a romantic relationship is nothing more than a friendship plus physical/sexual attraction. Conversely, a strong friendship is like a romantic relationship MINUS the physical/sexual attraction.

It's going to be very difficult for you to find someone who will be willing to commit to an exclusive, loving, long-term relationship that has no prospect for a physical component.

You are fighting mother nature here. You might be able to find a like-minded man somewhere, perhaps someone with a very low sex drive, but it won't be easy.

You said "The first few weeks are magical, the sensuality is amazing, each kiss is electric, and every time we make love its very pleasurable. I'm very happy and contented." Is it unreasonable for the men you are with to want that for the life of the relationship?

Perhaps therapy is what's needed here. Find out why your sexual attraction switch keeps turning off.

[IndiReloaded]

This is a repeat post folks. Beware the troll.

[shasta]

I don't understand the last post saying this is a repeating post... did someone post something similar? If so I'd love to read it.

Anyway thank you to those that have responded, it has been good feed back so far. I'm still trying to figure it all out for myself. Why does the switch switch off??? I'm a very sexual person and can have relationships with alot of sexuality, but I guess I get caught up in it if it feels like a duty. I've always been someone that always values choice, and I guess feeling like its a duty to sleep with my partner even if I'm not feeling it just flips the switch off. I hate going to bed every night knowing he is expecting it, even if we already made love once before in the day. Then on the odd occasion I have told him no I don't feel like it, I feel guilty, and the energy of the evening changes... but then when I just do it even when I don't really want to I feel a different negative energy around the relationship, and I consider the thought of leaving the relationship.

Gosh why does this have to be so hard?

[carl1222]

Let me see if I have this straight. When you first start dating a guy, you see him as a hot guy and you find having sex with him to be both exciting and enjoyable.

BUT, once you feel like it's become a "relationship" where sex is expected, you feel controlled and used by these expectations, and it spoils the sex for you.

In a normal, healthy romantic relationship, sexual enjoyment is something the partners share out of love and attraction.

What I'm not sure of in your case is whether you have an abnormal fear of being controlled, or if you are constantly choosing very sexually selfish men.

You think of sex as a duty ... is this something in your mind, or is that really how you are being treated?

[dem862]

I don't think this is that unusual. Testosterone causes men to have a higher sex drive than women. If you are dating young men, this can be particularly true. You may have a naturally low sex drive, except that you become very turned on by sexual experiences with a new partner. Unfortunately, to keep feeling turned on this way, it requires a constant supply of new partners. It might also be the case that your partners are not taking sufficient time to get you in the mood. I do think that as the comfort level sets in, men become less willing to do the foreplay required to properly arouse a woman. This is because they may become centered on the orgasm phase which alleviates the sexual compulsion. Of course, not all men are like this. You might be better atuned to an older male. Older men can require more time to get aroused and in general take more time enjoying the journey, not only the destination.