Fell in Love with an American girl. Now I really need some advice...

[josh44]

I'm currently studying at University in England (being English) and I have met a girl who is a forgein exchange student from the US. I know her through a friend who did a gap year over there in his first semester a while back.

After meeting her and competely falling for her at first sight, I quickly took her on a date and we ended up sleeping together that night. The problem is though that she does not want a relationship with anyone while over here. She admitted she had feelings for me and that we do have chemistry together, but the fact that she is only over here for 4 months means that she doesn't want to get into a releationship because she doesn't want to get hurt or attached to anyone. She's also had some very nasty experiences with men in the past including domestic violence and, extremely sadly, rape! I completely understand this from her point of view, I really do, but I just can't help having feelings for her. I've never felt this way about any girl in my life and I know that I've fallen for her, but the fact we can't be together really hurts me.

I know it probally sounds really sentimental when I say I've fallen for her, but I really have!! We have so much in common and get on really well, and she's the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on. For all the women I've had in my life, she is the nicest, most caring and sensitive girl I have ever met.

What to do.....

[miffy]

I think right now you are in too deep to think clearly. You are obviously head-over-heels, a feeling I can empathize with and that can be utterly wonderful at times. But it seems the woman in question is quite a strong and confident woman (being able to intimate after traumatizing experiences as you described them takes a lot of work and kudos to her for that), and she has drawn some very clear lines in the sand for herself. It seems she is an open person that you can easily communicate with, which will be part of the attraction. Use that, and communicate. Ask her how she feels about an LDR. They are always harder to keep up than any other form, but especially in your case with a solid foundation of a few months together, it might work. However, you both have to be fully commited to it, and it would take a lot of work. If you are so in love with her, keeping up a relationship over possibly months of not seeing her might put an enormous strain on yourself as well. Some people and couples are up to it, others are not. It holds the same difficulties as any other relationship, but with added complications.

How long have you been seeing each other now? How much more time do you have together? It sounds like the dramatic setting of her being unreachable might be helping your feelings along too, I can relate to that as well That's not saying it might not work after all, but you should probably take a few steps back, take a deep breath, and think things through. Then talk to her, if you still feel as deeply about her. Be prepared to deal with the fact that it might just not happen for you two.

[josh44]

Feeling in a bad way right now.

[miffy]

Drunk decisions are usually not that great. Think about it clearly the next day. But what she's doing should send a clear message in itself.

[dem862]

She sounds emotionally unavailable. Those girls can cause the most pain. Do you have a pattern of falling for women like this? It is not good for you, if you do.

[josh44]

She sounds emotionally unavailable. Those girls can cause the most pain. Do you have a pattern of falling for women like this? It is not good for you, if you do.

How do you mean 'emotionally unavailable'? I find I have a strong urge to tke care of her and protect her, especially with all she's been through. She has already been taken advantage of while staying over here. I personally find myself to be a very senesitive and overly emotional individual. I really wish I wasn't like this!

[miffy]

Have you had issues with the topics of protection, intimacy yourself? Do you have a child, by any chance? Wanting to protect and take care of her is a noble aspiration, but should not be the motivation to actually enter a relationship. You don't want to create a dependancy on her side, or co-dependancy for that matter. I would describe myself the same way as you do, I would guess that you find it easy to fall in love and be very romantic. That is nice, and can help, but it is important to learn to gauge yourself, learn to be cautious and set boundaries for yourself. The very fact that you are hurting over her without being too intimate is an indication that you're in too deep already. This is a lesson I've been learning myself over the past few years, and it's a hard one. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, you just have to learn to take a step back and see things from a more objective perspective. I really empathize with you, I do. But I think you need to take a breather and write her off for now, you're just digging your own grave.

[josh44]

Have you had issues with the topics of protection, intimacy yourself? Do you have a child, by any chance? Wanting to protect and take care of her is a noble aspiration, but should not be the motivation to actually enter a relationship. You don't want to create a dependancy on her side, or co-dependancy for that matter. I would describe myself the same way as you do, I would guess that you find it easy to fall in love and be very romantic. That is nice, and can help, but it is important to learn to gauge yourself, learn to be cautious and set boundaries for yourself. The very fact that you are hurting over her without being too intimate is an indication that you're in too deep already. This is a lesson I've been learning myself over the past few years, and it's a hard one. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, you just have to learn to take a step back and see things from a more objective perspective. I really empathize with you, I do. But I think you need to take a breather and write her off for now, you're just digging your own grave.

Thanks Miffy! Your advice has really helped. I do fall in love very easy and I guess I'm a true romantic, but this doesn't always help me. What do you suggest I do about from this point onwards? I also have a problem with being jealous when I see her with other people she has met. I know jealousy is a horrible trait but sometimes i just can't help it.

[miffy]

As I said, I'd try to occupy myself with other things and take a step back. Clear your head, do some sports or take a little trip, get out into nature. Spend time with friends. Just don't engage in anything with her right now, try to focus on yourself and not her.

[nicole77]

She may possibly need time to figure things out herself. I would let her know how you feel and give her time to figure it out. I think considering all that she has been through, she is most likely has a guard up towards men and being involved with someone. I would just take it as it is for now and maybe more will come in time.