Still feeling terrible 6 months after breakup

[Kealy]

Here is my previous post: [url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/63516-Confusing-relationship-with-ex-bf..help[/url]!!

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a broken person. I am still sobbing my heart out with pain over losing this person. He sent me an email on Valentine's Day, saying he is very sad and misses me. He said that he is enjoying having the space to do his hobbies and things he enjoys, and that he doesn't know how it will work between us anymore. But he said he loves me and always will. He also said he can't imagine being with anyone else and that this is not about me at all. Yeah 'it's not you, it's me'. That old chestnut.

I can't deal with this anymore. I love him so so much and I just want happiness back. I caved and sent him a text asking if we can chat, and I got no response yet and I feel myself getting so anxious and upset. I really do love him just as much as I did when we were together. I swear I gave him my whole heart, and my trust and I just still feel so hurt and upset that he is gone. I feel so sad. I have never ever considered using anti depressants but I am now wondering if they will help me. Even at my darkest times I've always wanted to get through it by myself, but I don't know if I can anymore. I am still managing to go out and socialize and be fine in work and stuff, but it is in the evenings and at night before I go to sleep, when I'm all alone, I just cry myself to sleep. I used to be such a happy girl. This really isn't who I am, but it is what I've become.

How can this get any better? Someone please help me

[JJP]

I read your previous thread which is pretty much the same. The advice there is good, you just don't want to hear it. I understand your position because I have been in a similar one myself. But at the end of the day, your X is being completely out of order by stringing you along like he is. He needs to be told what it is doing to you so that he knows to stop. People that break up with someone that loves them never seem to get to grips with how damaging stringing someone along can be. You need to stop talking to him. Tell him why your doing it and do it. Only thing that helps is time. Don't hope for getting back together, it will just cause you to keep holding on. In my experience, I had to wipe the girl from my life. I don't talk to her at all any more even when I see her around and I do my best to get her out of my thoughts when she pops up. It's hard, and feels almost impossible to do sometimes, but you will be happier for it after a while.

[Kealy]

Thanks JJP, I know you are right. I feel really bad for sounding like a broken record, and it seems I know what I must do, but I CAN'T do it. I mean I know I can, technically, but I seem to have no willpower whatsoever even though I know it is in my best interests. It is just so especially hard when he gets in touch and says he still loves me and stuff.

[SelfLove]

I love him so so much and I just want happiness back.

Sounds to me like you base your happiness off of people and things, rather than acknowledging it to be an inward state of being that you can have at all times... regardless of your ex being in your life or not. I think your first issue here is that you haven't let him go, and if you can't have him in your life you are going to be miserable... or at least that's how you come across. How does it feel to know that he has that much control and power over your life? When are you going to value yourself and move on from this break up? It's ok to care about your ex, but I think you are obsessing over him way too much. You may even be more in love with the idea of him rather than you are over the actual relationship you both had. When I was grieving over my ex I found myself thinking that way.

My suggestion is to keep no contact. If he contacts you tell him it is hurting you and for him to stop contacting you. You are trying to heal. You sound as if you want back with him, but realize if that were to happen chances are it would end soon afterwards... leaving you back at square one. Right now you are the most important person in your life. Not him. You need to reconnect with yourself, reorganize, and learn from this relationship. It's ok to cry because that's part of the grieving process. I am living proof that it does get better. It took me like 5-6 months to finally get over my ex... someone that at the time I saw myself marrying and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. She ended up dumping me for another man. Throughout the process I experienced the greatest pain I ever felt. It was like losing a loved one to death. I cried, got angry, felt hopeless, felt rejected, but I began investing my time more into myself rather than dwelling on my ex. Now that I am victorious over that breakup I have been promoted at work, got a new car, have money now for a vacation, so there are rewards for anyone coming out on top of an obstacle. You are no different and you too can beat this. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop giving your ex all of your attention. I also highly recommend that you talk to a relationship therapist. You are at a vulnerable stage and need help. I did several sessions and my counselor really helped me see things from a different perspective. In the meantime I learned quite a few coping skills. So you are either going to take our advice and focus on healing, or you are going to continue to obsess over your ex and feel like crap. Your choice. Hope the voice of reason makes itself known to you. Time to take back charge of your life. Be strong. Wish you the best.

[Kealy]

I completely agree with you, selflove. I know what I must sound like. I know I am my own worst enemy in this because I keep somehow thinking that any day now he will turn aroand and say he wants me back and I would go running to him. But realistically that is not going to happen and even if it did, it would be the wrong decision for me to go back to him after all this mess.

I still have these really bad days where I feel so angry and sad about how it all panned out, but I also have good days when I see the good in this and can try to think that 'when one door closes, another opens'. I really do understand that I base my happiness off having someone to tell me they love me and relying on other people. I really want to stop that and just be happy being me. I don't want to be this pathetic, sad girl who couldn't move on. Sometimes it really helps to come here and have a reality check. Thanks peeps.

[SelfLove]

First of all, you are not pathetic. What you are going through is something a lot of people go through. Which is why you are never alone. So many can relate to you. However, if that is how you view yourself as being pathetic and sad then I strongly suggest you seek counseling. Those self beliefs that you currently have can be very detrimental to your emotional health and recovery. Exercising can work wonders also in eliminating stress and raising your energy levels so that way you are not so negative towards yourself. Doesn't matter what advice someone gives you, ultimately you are the one who has to decide on growing from this experience. Your self worth and value is so important. You are letting this ex/broken relationship distort and poison your perception towards life and yourself. Why would you want to be with someone who makes you feel pathetic and sad? Screw that guy! I think it's time for you to prioritize your happiness in discovering the great person that you are once again. If you can learn to love and accept yourself regardless of your current status, and not base happiness off of people, rather base it off of the fact that you are a gift to the world, then I believe there is no limit to what your future can bring you... including a man more suited for you. Which I think is what you really want. Then 10 years from now, after all that growth you've achieved, you are going to thank yourself for having overcome this situation you are in right now. Believe me.

[IndiReloaded]

Kealy, you are thinking about this backwards. You should get angry with him. Really, how DARE he contact you, on Valentines Day no less! and say he still loves you. After he broke off w/you in order to have more 'him time'?? He's still looking to you to stroke his tiny penis-ego? Really?

If you truly loved someone, would you drag him through the emotional muck? I doubt it, you sound really sweet.

That part where he said 'its me, not you'? In his case it really IS him. Believe it. Nice people don't do what he's doing to you. Block his calls, text, Facebook. You really sound like you deserve better than this selfish guy.

[Wakeup]

I caved and sent him a text asking if we can chat, and I got no response yet and I feel myself getting so anxious and upset. (

Kealy.. You must realize by now that him contacting you was a manipulative and narcissistic attempt at getting you to respond (which you did) and now he knows that you still keep a door open for him to walk through and toy with your emotions.

Please think about this: You are not in love with this man but instead you are psychologically hooked on the roller coaster ride and what you are feeling is just withdrawl from the chemical highs and lows he put you on by keeping you addicted to his push you away and pull you in dynamic. He is currently, once again trying to "pull you in." He has not changed one bit and if you allow yourself to be pulled in once again, you will be in the same state of constant sadness and angst ridden you were always in while you waited for him to grace you with his company only when he deemed it. Sex is not an action of love if all you're sharing together is sex.

When/if he responds to your request to "chat" take back your power from this man and tell him that you'd kindly appreaciate that he not contact you with trivial information about himself or how he is feeling. That you've learned that his words mean very little because his actions NEVER match his words. Say goodbye and then never respond to him again. EVER! He has stolen your joy and a man that actually loved you would never do that to you. he would never be that selfish. Never!

Don't be silly and believe his words once again. Words without the actions to back them up are simply tools of manipulation.

[Kealy]

Thanks indi and wakeup. You know, I really don't think he means to be manipulative or selfish. I actually think he probably doesn't have the emotional maturity to see it from any point of view other than his own. I think he assumes that because he likes to check in every now and then for some 'banter' then it's all good and doesn't seem to understand why he can't do that. He did respond to me. He just spurted all this crap about how he wants to talk to me but he hates me to be sad, how he still thinks of me all the time and wishes I was there to hug him... arghhhh... I said that's bs cos if it was true you would be with me right now. He said he has tried to explain it but we go in circles with it. Which is true, and I KNOW it's my fault for allowing it to happen. By the way, we haven't slept together since we broke up 6/7 months ago so it's nothing to do with that. The most contact we have is just text. The last time I saw him was early Jan, when I was still in my being strung along phase and I let him pull all the strings. Not much has changed I guess

I can't lie and say I don't still love him. I really do. He is not a bad person at all. But I know how he treats me isn't right and he despite claiming to still cry about me and still love me, you're all right, he hasn't shown that love at all. The hardest thing is accepting that at one time, he really did show it, he would have done anything for me, and I just wonder what changed to make him not want me anymore. I am trying to accept that it is his problem and not mine, but I take it so personally. I was far from perfect but I put in so much effort to us and gave him no doubt at all of my commitment to the relationship. I wish I could believe it's his loss but I really don't feel it. I'm sure I will get there and like I said, it is much easier now to get through the days. But I don't want to just 'get through', I really want to be alive again and happy and fulfilled with just me. It will take time I guess, lots of time!

[IndiReloaded]

I actually think he probably doesn't have the emotional maturity to see it from any point of view other than his own. I!

Don't you think this is true of every asshole out there? Doesn't change the fact they are an asshole, right? A drunk driver doesn't *mean* to kill someone in a car crash, but their inability to control themself means other people suffer for it.

However, since there are no laws against being an emotional drunk, all you can do is avoid these people. In your case, you weren't lucky enough to avoid a crash, but you still have the chance to walk away and recover with time. This won't happen, tho, if you continue to let him use you as an emotional ego boost. Find someone emotionally healthy and stop making excuses for this guy.

Think about it. Good luck.