Girlfriend had an affair - 9 months later she still checks his Facebook everyday

[WalkOverMe]

Hello,

About 9 months ago, my girlfriend started having an affair with a guy from her work place (the guy is 34 and almost 9 years older than her). It was nasty when all the lies finally came out. She basically told her work friends that we are broken up, just so people wouldn't ask questions if she would be seen with that guy at work. They hooked up several times through out the summer. As far as I know she actually wanted to leave me for him. But then the guy broke it off with her at the end of the summer because it was just a fling for him and nothing more, he didn't even know my girlfriend was in a relationship.

I eventually found out about everything. I got so insecure I went through her laptop history. I found out that she added that guy on Facebook and checked up on the guy first thing in the morning, first thing when she came back from work and last thing before going to bed, going through his topless photos every single day (and I mean every single day!). It was a very hard time for me and it brought me to the breaking point several times, seeing her being so obsessed with another guy.

I confronted her about everything and she finally came clean. She told me how sorry she is etc. After many arguments, I told her I can forgive her and move on, all I am asking for is that she deletes that guy from Facebook and never checks up on him. She told me that this is the least she will do.

About a month later I caught her being on his Facebook page again, so I got insecure and went through her history again. I saw she added the guy again on Facebook only a week after she deleted him. She went straight back to her habit of checking up on him 3 times a day. Later I found out through a friend that she was googling for "Being in Love with 2 guys" and "Can you love one guy and be in love with another".

So once again I confronted her and I told her if she really loves the other guy then what is the point of being with me, as I don't wanna be her second choice. She told me she was just very confused with her feelings, but she is sure that she loves me and wants me and I should never think that I am her second choice.

I told her once again that if she wants to move on and wants me to be able to forget everything, she needs to stop checking up on that guy, after all, they still work together and see each other everyday, so there is absolutely no need to check up on him first thing in the morning and again when coming back from work and again before going to bed.
All I ask for is for her to stop checking up on that guy. Is that too much to ask after being cheated on?

Anyways, now it has been 5 months since I last confronted her about her checking up on him. I though she finally moved on and forgot about that guy, until last weekend when we were away on our valentines weekend. While walking passt her in the hotel room, I got a glimpse on her iPhone and I saw Facebook was open and she was on the page of that guy. I didn't say anything and pretended I didn't see it.
I kept thinking about it. When we got home from our 2 days spa weekend, I couldn't help it but go through her laptop. Although I told myself never to invade her privacy again and check her laptop, I simply couldn't help it.

What I saw was quite scary. Once again she is friends with him on Facebook, or maybe she never deleted him after she added him again back in October. I just checked the history back to December. Turns out she is more obsessed with him that ever.
This here is all Facebook related.
She checks up on him whenever she gets a chance and is alone. Usually once a day. Either first thing morning or when coming back from work.
She goes through all his photos every week, although she has seen them a million times
She checks up on the guys girlfriend almost as often as she checks the guy out.
Every single comment the guy makes ANYWHERE on facebook, she has to read up on it.
Even worse, if she doesn't understand the comments, she googles for it. As in, if he talks about a place, she googles for it. If he talks about a band, she googles for them. If he makes a joke or uses words she doesn't understand, she googles for it.
Every single friend that the guy adds on Facebook, she has to check out and if that new friends has a public profile, she goes through all the photos as well (probably hoping to find pictures of him).
She checks up on family members of that guy and goes through all their photos as well, several times through out the past few months.

Not to mention on her iPhone, when we are having a lovely romantic valentines -spa weekend, she has to check up on him.

It's scary how obsessed my girlfriend is with that guy. Seriously, it has been 9 months since she had that affair and to this very day, she still can't move on from him?!

So what do I do? Confront her once again that I don't want her to check up on that guy? But what is the point? I asked her so many times already to stop that. Each time she told me she will stop, but then it lasts for a week until she's back stalking that guy again.

Why can't my girlfriend just stand up for herself and say what's going on, so I can help her or be there for her. But instead she just lies about all her feelings and everything related to that guy. And every know and then I find out something new that happened and I realize she lies, which makes it even more awkward.

This is suppose to be a mature relationship (her 25, me 27), but with the constant lies and me not being able to trust and she not willing to move on or even do the one little thing I ask her to do... I honestly don't feel comfortable and quite frankly I feel like I am her second choice.

Am I being paranoid here? Or would others be okay if their partners had an affair and then 9 months later you thought it's all behind you, but you find out your girlfriend never stopped "stalking" the other guy. Plus the Facebook stalking behavior of her got to a new level with her checking up on the guys girlfriend.

It's not like my girlfriend is still physically cheating, but I honestly will never feel comfortable as long as she is obsessed with that guy.

Any advice?

Obviously I am not ready to just break off with her, as I do love her a lot and we've been through a lot together. But I really miss that woman I fell in love with, who only admired me. It's like she doesn't exist anymore.

[Boisdevie]

Find a girlfriend who DOES NOT CHEAT

[Axel9470]

I'm not very old but i have been brutally taught about how to handle with emotionally insecure girls. I were in a similar situation a couple of years ago where I were together with a girl but she had another guy as background picture on her cellphone. She also checked up on him on facebook regularly. First i asked her what it was all about, she just said that they were friends. A while later she dumped me to be with that guy, some time passed and then she wanted to be with me again. The stuff with facebook continued. And so she left me again! Next time she came back to me I told her that she had to prove to me that she didn't like that other guy anymore and delete him from facebook and all the photos of him from her phone. Days later I went to her house and when I came into her room she was sitting there watching him facebook profile. So my tip for you is to confront her again and give her ONE last chance and if she doesn't get her act together she will lose you forever. I'm afraid that's the only way to deal with a problem like this. Hope it works out fine!

[Simsala]

Your girlfriend is very immature when it comes to her feelings. Trust me, those girls are nothing but trouble and you have a right to be insecure. Truth is that your relationship will probably end with one big fight, most likely because she will keep making you more insecure until you can't handle it anymore.

She didn't just break your trust once, but non stop for 9 months. I would never put up with a girl like this. If she would have cheated on my, depending on the circumstances, I might would have given her a 2nd chance. But you say you are already past 2nd, 3rd or even 4th chance?

So why are you putting up with her if she miss uses your trust whenever she gets the chance? Why do you want to be with a woman that doesn't make you comfortable and secretly loves another guy? There are so many woman out there who would go through fire to find someone like you!

[bcgirl]

you are not in a relationship. She is OVERLY obsessed and head over heels in love with someone else other than you. By you checking her facebook and laptop....she will just keep deleting her history everyday to hide evidence and avoid a fight. She will put a passcode on her iphone. She is already being very secretive....she will be even more secretive. You only see the tip of the iceberg...you have no idea what she messages him or searches while she is at work or by herself. Why are you putting up with this? Re-read your post over and over. What advice would you give if you saw this posting on this board?
You gotta leave her and FAST. She is bad news and will only cause you more grief and heartache. She is not in love with you. Sure, she may love you.....but it's because she can't pursue this affair with this other man. She doesn't lust after you like she does this other guy. Don't you want a girlfriend who spends that much of her life admiring you like your own gf admires that 34 yr old? Your gf is very confused.....she is comfortable with you, she's been with you for a while.....but if the opportunity arises to leave you because "the grass may seem greener on the other side", she would in a heartbeat. She will beg for you not to break up with her if she feels you are coming close...because she doesn't want to be utterly alone. So in her mind she thinks "at least i have my boyfriend for now, until something better comes along".

[Simsala]

I can only agree on what bcgirl said.

She is not IN LOVE with you anymore. No one who loves someone truly has the urge to continuously checking up on someone they have cheated with.
She probably loves you, and likes your company. You are a security blanked to her. She doesn't want to be alone until she finds someone else, and she knows you won't leave her and she's taking that for granted.
But the honest truth is, she is not fully happy with you and once someone else comes a long again, she will jump ship and go for the new one. If it's not the current guy she is stalking, then it's just a matter of time until a new guy shows up in her life and then the entire drama will start over.

This is YOUR LIFE! Time is rare, so spend it wisely. Don't lose several years to a woman that you know makes you unhappy just because you admire her. I know it's hard to break it off with someone if you are still in love with her. But really, what is the point if she admires someone else more than you?

In my relationship, I am the centre of my girlfriends universe and she is the centre of my universe. True love only works if it goes both ways.
Wouldn't you prefer to have something like this as well, rather than being unsure what your girlfriend really feels for you?

When was the last time she did something romantic for you?

[smackie9]

Oh good lord, dump her ass you fool. She cheated because she wasn't happy in a relationship with you...how can you not get that? She's got daddy issues.

[WalkOverMe]

Sorry, but as I said, I will not break up with her. I simply love her too much and I know she loves me as well. All I ever wished from her is that she returns the love I have for her. I know our relationship had ups and downs and I wasn't perfect either. But I stood up to my mistakes and I confronted her about my wrong doings and made up for it over several months. With her it's like she hides it all and comes up with even more lies. Why can't she just admit it, stand up to it, confront me and say she wants to work on it?

I's honestly so hard to see that after all this time she still has to keep checking up on him. It breaks my heart and yet I can't confront her about this because I don't want to be a control freak.
I didn't come here to hear that I should dump her, because I won't. I simply need advice on how to handle this.

All I wish for is to have her back, the way she was when we first met. She was fully honest about everything. I'm having a hard time to trust her if she never ever comes up to me and talks about issues she has.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

WalkOverMe, just deal with it. If you're not going to break up with her, then just deal with and quit bitching. God, you are pathetic, no wonder she wants this other guy. Just say over and over to yourself, "She does not love me, she does not love me. I am a twat with no backbone. She does not love me."

If that doesn't help you get over it, just kill yourself. Don't do it some pussy way either. Take a revolver so there's no chance of it jamming, then blow your brains out.

[HeartIsAching]

Sorry, but as I said, I will not break up with her. I simply love her too much and I know she loves me as well.

Then enjoy your heartbreak. Sorry, but that's where it'll end.

[Boisdevie]

Sorry, but as I said, I will not break up with her. I simply love her too much and I know she loves me as well.

Exellent. Ask us for our advice and then ignore it. She loves you so much she treats you like shite. Well good luck you stupid idiot becuause you are going to need a lot of luck.
I love my GF. She loves me. We don't treat each other like shite. Get the message? No I supppose not. BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO STUPID

[bcgirl]

okay....so you stated you will not break up with her and that is not even an option. Fine. So now what you need to do is suck it up and deal with it if breaking up is not the option. You choose your life. You choose to be with a girl who is a cheater. You choose to watch her admire another man day after day after months after months. You choose to live in this misery....so instead of changing her to not cheat and admire another man. You need to change yourself to try to accomodate your feelings to just let it go and deal with it and look the other way when something fishy smells. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? Well....there really is no other way around it in order for the relationship to "work" if you aren't willing to break up. Just try to not get bothered by her infidelity and wait until the day she breaks up with you.

[WalkOverMe]

So I'm just thinking about loud here. Helps me to see it more clearly when I can read what I have wirten myself.

Yes it does make me miserable day after day, knowing she does that. I guess all I was hoping for is that one day she stopps and turns around and lets me know that she really does want me and not the other guy. I wish she would just communicate more about her feelings, even if it's awkward for her.

Maybe I should talk to her and find out if she really is happy with me. But then again, I'm sure she will just say yes she is, and then whenever she's alone she will do her Facebook thing again.
The thought of breaking up with her is painful, I love her in every single way and worseship the ground she walks on. Im probably still in love with her like the first time I realized that I love her and she still makes me feel good and smile when I'm around her, but again, knowing that she admires another guy constantly behind my back is tearing me apart inside. Damn it, if only I would have some certainty that there is hope for some real future where she no longer has the urge to check up on him.

So Option 1, breaking up with her, trying to move on. I would most likely leave the country straight away to start over.
Option 2) Stay with her, be miserable for an unknown length of time, hoping she will stand up to it get over it one day and confront me and let me know that she fully admires me again.

But again, she didn't do option 2 for the past 9 months, although I asked her so many times....

[WalkOverMe]

Just had a good night sleep at my friends place that I'm staying. Was able to clear my head. I guess there is no point in continuing if to this very day she can't do the one thing I asked for, and to this very day she is obsessed with that other guy. I honestly can't handle it anymore that she checks up on him and his girlfriend every day first thing in the mornings and even has the urge to check up on him on her phone while we are having a valentines weekend away in a spa hotel. Crap, it sucks when the trust is broken in a relationship.

Damn this breaks my heart. I was so hoping she would be able to move on from him. After all I moved countries for her and made several sacrifices (and I'm willing to do it again), I've never put so much work, love and hope into a relationship before. Maybe I was just blinded by love. Stupid thing is, for some reason I still have hope that it will all go away and we can have a happy life and future together.

Dumb timing as well, as I am very busy with work and working on a major project launch.

Anyways, thanks for the advice here. Now the hard part is ahead of me.

[Mathias]

Sorry, but as I said, I will not break up with her. I simply love her too much and I know she loves me as well.

Then you're enabling her to do all this. It's definitely your decision, but this will keep manifesting itself in different forms throughout your relationship. It's part of her personality - this isn't something that you can change.

Make your choice, and stick with it. But do know if you continue this, you will be dealing with everything you don't like here. That's why every immediate reaction in here is to break up with her - because none of us would want that to keep happening.