I seem to be unable to cope with rejection well

[Phoenix23]

I have a physical reaction to rejection, like a stress reaction. And I'm tired of it. My blood pressure and heart rate go up, my heart feels like it's tied in a knot, my head is in a vise.
I need to know how to deal with this so this doesn't happen anymore.

Went out with one woman for a few weeks, we talked a lot on the phone too.
She seemed really into me but then that suddenly changed and it was over.

Here's the problem: How can I feel so hurt by a sense of rejection if I wasn't really that into her to begin with, if mentally I think we probably weren't right for each other anyway, but emotionally all I can keep saying to myself is you weren't good enough for her, or you screwed it up, and this is just going to keep happening so why bother trying.

I guess because I don't feel like I'm someone who many people can appreciate me for who I am, or love me the way I am, (like I can make great first impressions but I always worry as people get to know me more inevitably they will like me less. That always seems to be the case in my life). So when I find someone who appears to like me for who I am but then they reject me later, it's very painful and only re-enforces that negative image of myself that is my greatest weakness.
School was very difficult as most of the kids rejected me and I had only a few friends who appreciated me for who I was.

I mean it's one thing if it's just a first date with someone you barely know anything about and you find you're not compatible, but the rejection is different entirely when for a long time they seem to really like you but then they stop.



This also happened to me after several months, and that one was even worse because I felt like she so much of what I was looking for, and she felt I had a lot of what she was looking for, but I screwed it up and changed her attitude towards me, causing her to lose attraction and going into the friends zone. I definitely felt she was out of my league to begin with, and probably don't deserve someone as amazing as her.
I had the same physical reaction, the same kind of rejection of feeling I do really well initially but I am unable to maintain and grow things beyond that.

[Wakeup]

No one likes rejection. It's a blow to our ego but the good news is that the more mature you get, the more you can regulate your own reactions to things, the easier it gets. There will always be that initial twinge when your ego is crying out for sympathy, but you will immediately tell yourself:

"oh well, that was just a lost opportunity ... HER lost opportunity, not mine." Remember that, keep telling yourself that and have the self-worth to believe it to be true and the confidence and abundance mentality to know, without a doubt that there will always be another opportunity.

I definitely felt she was out of my league to begin with, and probably don't deserve someone as amazing as her.

Don't EVER let me hear you say that about yourself again. Start reading some books on self-improvment, self-esteem building, abundance mentality and confidence building. Start believing in yourself.. know you are da man and go from there.

[Phoenix23]

Thanks, I know I'm suppose to feel that way, mentally I know it, I just don't feel it a lot of the time.
Is there a particular book or books you'd recommend? I wonder if a book is enough at this point.

With the first one I mentioned I did actually feel that, I mean I knew I had a lot going for me and it was probably her loss. That's why I found it so weird that I was feeling such a strong rejection. Because I think by that point I had let my guard down and my imagination was thinking of all the what if's of where we could go, and I was starting to become more into her than I was initially.

But with the second one I mentioned... Well, I do feel like I'm missing out on someone who is so special and one of a kind that it's hard to imagine I'll ever find anyone who would be as good a match for me as she was. So I do feel like I blew it and lost an irreplaceable relationship. At one point she might have felt the same way about me, but her opinion of me obviously changed over time. Probably due to my own lack of confidence finally coming out, and I know confidence and humor are suppose to be everything to a woman.

[Wakeup]

Start here, hun and then go to your local Bookstore or Library for more on self improvement.

[url]http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Take-Personally-Dealing-Rejection/dp/0595255752[/url]

[url]http://www.amazon.com/Reject-Me-Rejection-Direction-Development/dp/093871628X/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b[/url]

Definately look at titles to do with abundance mentality: The Secret and The Power of Positive Thinking are two that come to mind.

Good luck.

[DonJuanInc]

End of Your World by Adyashanti

Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins

Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

Take the Step by Grace Cirocco

The Game by Neil Strauss


Some really good ones off the top of my head. Cheers

[Vanessa]

In addition to what Wakeup said, not just any two people will be compatible, so never tell yourself it's your fault. It's not anyone's fault, it's just how things work. That's what I tell myself when it doesn't work out with someone. Well, that's what I do after I obsess about every single thing I have said or done regarding that person. But I get there.

[Phoenix23]

I don't mind when two people aren't compatible. What worries me is finding someone who I'm highly compatible with but then blowing it somehow with attraction killing behaviors or speech, like letting my lack of confidence come out (it's not always readily apparent but over time can start to show itself), getting put into the friends zone.

[Wakeup]

Get some of the books you've been recommended to read and then lets talk about what you've learned rather than what you fear. Venting about it is okay, but why keep making excuses for your angst when you can certainly over-come with education, time, practice and confidence building.

You have zero abundance mentality and you need to get yourself to the stage where you think positively and understand the laws of attraction, which by the way you'll discover dosn't mean romantic/physical attraction but about attracting what you want to you like a magnet.

[Phoenix23]

I've got those two books you listed on my amazon list, haven't gotten them yet. I'll let you know once I read them.

[shylove]

I guess because I don't feel like I'm someone who many people can appreciate me for who I am, or love me the way I am, (like I can make great first impressions but I always worry as people get to know me more inevitably they will like me less. That always seems to be the case in my life).

This really rings home with me. I've never had a relationship last over two weeks. Every time it feels like they are initially attracted to me and really show it, then all of a sudden, after a few days/weeks their feelings for me are gone just like that. And it keeps re-enforcing this thought in my head that people initially think I am someone I'm not. I suppose this could also have something to do with the fact that I don't really know who I am either. A friend once told me, "you have to love yourself before you can love another". I'm not sure how true this is but I can sort of see the logic in that if you don't know what's good about yourself then how can you understand someone else falling in-love with you.

Although my reaction to rejection is not as strong as yours, it surely seems like a lot considering I've only known the person for a matter of days. Who would think that knowing someone for only 4 days could result in so much pain of the heart. I don't know whether it is that I get emotionally attached really quickly or that I am having a reaction to rejection. I just know it hurts.

So what's the verdict Doctor?
Read some books on self improvement and positive thinking as well? haha

P.S. Sorry for the thread hi-jack, interested in hearing how those books are going for you Phoenix seen as it has been a few months now.

[oneandonly]

..... Who would think that knowing someone for only 4 days could result in so much pain of the heart.....

That's just so not right. If you let yourself hurt so much from 4 days' encounter, then you probably have a really low self belief/confidence. You can gauge within this time frame if you find the other person attractive and want to invest more time to get to know each other but it's not certainly enough time to get emotionally so hurt. After all, you don't know that person that well other than the initial attraction.

What made you feel so hurt instread of brusing it off 'ah it's his/her loss!'?

[dem862]

It sounds like you get attached very quickly and easily. You are probably introverted and don't date much. You also sound like you have social anxiety. Definitely try self-help first. You will have to work to change your negative self-talk. As far as rejection, it has a lot in common with regret. You blame yourself and think about what you could have done differently. The thing about the past is that it is written in stone. It cannot be changed or undone. Remind yourself that it could not have happened any other way. You are free to structure your future any way you wish. Invest your time thinking about and making the future you want for yourself. Let the past go.

[shylove]

I think I probably do have a low self belief and confidence.
I don't date much at all and all my other dating experiences have been failures in my mind.
There has been a 2 and a half year gap since the last time I was intimate with someone.
To be honest, I don't know what made me feel hurt and why I cannot simply brush it off, I seem to have no control over what I feel. (not that I want to control it either though)

I do get attached very quickly and easily.
After revising the definition of an introvert, I would say I am not one. Though I do concern myself with the 'inner world of my mind' i.e. my feelings and emotions. But I would not say that I avoid social situations because it drains my energy. If anything, I wish I had more social interactions that I actually do. I do however feel socially awkward sometimes and at a loss when it comes to small talk.
Then after looking over the definition of social anxiety, I think you might be onto something. The question is though, how, how do I turn these negative thoughts around. I so desperately want to but my mind won't let me.

And I think you have nailed the rest on the head as far as rejection goes. I have a very hard time accepting it I feel. However, I don't think that it's I think if I did it a different way then it would have been all fine and dandy, it's something else. It is that I have to accept that everything that ever could have been can now never be with this particular person. Like when you start off the relationship with them, there are an endless amount of possibilities as to where it could go but once it is over, there is no longer any possibilities. You go from one extreme to the other. And it's not that I think 'this is the one' from the beginning or anything, it is just that there is no longer anything with them.

You must forgive me as I am doing my best to put what is going through my head into words.

I should also mention that it was a fairly intense 4 days. 48hrs of which we were not apart at all pretty much. It was like we dived straight into being a couple.

Thank you for the replies.