Started marriage counseling today

[Incognito]

Yeah I did. Didn't go with the wife to visit family last weekend because I saw it as an opportunity to be away from her anger issues. She got angry, as expected, she got home, we discussed, then she got angry once again because I was trying to avoid her anger [???]. She ended the conversation abruptly by saying "well I'm going to get off the phone since I'm such a bitch". Ending conversations after trying to establish herself as a victim in any given situation seems to be her forte.

At any rate I found a counselor whose rates will not rape my butthole as hard as the rest (only $100 per hour... yay). I made sure to choose a woman so that it wouldn't look like I was trying to look for male validation or something like that. The visit wasn't really what I expected though. We really didn't get to the meat of anything. We kinda just talked. I do see that it is going to be helpful to have a moderator there during discussions. The wife was only halfway cooperative, especially when the same points that I have been saying forever were echoed by the counselor. I also found out that the insurance company rep lied to me on the phone. My insurance company does cover counseling, just not couples counseling... so much time wasted because of that jerk. I could have been in counseling using my insurance for two years now. I will have to pay out of pocket for any couples sessions though, which doesn't sting nearly as badly.

[Incognito]

I guess one question that I'd have is how long did it take to "get anywhere" with counseling? (Obviously directed toward those who have actually gone to counseling or knew someone who did.) Our counselor said four months, and then we'd all reevaluate the situation and go from there. I just don't want this to turn into a money train for the counselor.

[Wakeup]

Glad to hear you're doing something with a mediator. Keep in mind that you are the boss of you. If you find that things aren't improving then, you pull the plug. If you're both reaping something good from discussing things in front of a (hopefully) impartial mediator well then.. Yea and you be the judge when you think you've run the course. It's that simple. :O)

Hope it does you both well, Incognito.

[vashti]

The truth is that most people wait too long to seek counseling, and then are upset that it doesn't work. I think it is most effective when you address little problems before they become big problems.

Still, if you are both motivated, it can be useful.

I wish you good luck.

[Incognito]

I'm down for whatever. If by discussing the problems with the counselor I [can] somehow resolve the brokenness then ok. If not and we both just need to move on, then ok to that too. Since I found out that this is an affordable option I'd be a dick to not explore it though.

[HeartIsAching]

I guess one question that I'd have is how long did it take to "get anywhere" with counseling? (Obviously directed toward those who have actually gone to counseling or knew someone who did.) Our counselor said four months, and then we'd all reevaluate the situation and go from there. I just don't want this to turn into a money train for the counselor.

Took me about 5 months before it really started sinking in... 6+ before it really started making a difference. Hang in there.

[Incognito]

Wow. I'm really going to have to space the couples visits then. Ah well...

[IndiReloaded]

Tell your wife to pay for her own counselling visits.

[IndiReloaded]

The truth is that most people wait too long to seek counseling, and then are upset that it doesn't work. I think it is most effective when you address little problems before they become big problems.

Still, if you are both motivated, it can be useful.

I wish you good luck.

Ditto. Good luck, Cog. Sometimes counselling can help one decide whether and how to end ones present situation. Its not a miracle cure tho.

[Incognito]

Tell your wife to pay for her own counselling visits.

She couldn't if she wanted to. She hasn't worked since she was in a head on collision almost a year and a half ago. I think that is part of the problem as well. She sits in the house all day doing nothing and expects me to be some kind of activities planner when I walk in the door. I'd give her money to spend, but I'm stuck paying for all the bills, her car insurance and now her car payment as well.

Another point to bring up to the counselor I guess.

[dem862]

I was in marriage counseling for 3 years of a 5 year marriage. In the end, it worked perfectly. We decided we didn't belong together and were beating a dead horse. Sometimes it takes a while to see the obvious. It was mostly my own denial, I didn't want to admit defeat and I didn't want to lose my idea of a "perfect" family. Your wife's manipulative behavior points to personality disorder, possibly borderline. Sometimes a traumatic brain injury can cause such, but usually it is from an abusive childhood. But congrats on moving to another level.

[IndiReloaded]

It was mostly my own denial, I didn't want to admit defeat and I didn't want to lose my idea of a "perfect" family.

Great comment. Rep for you!

[Lovable]

I think the time limit on counseling working or not working would depend on the person/couple.

Let's say for example, YOU are getting what the counselor is talking about, but your wife isn't letting it all sink in. She might take longer (or maybe not at all) to "get it". While you may take a shorter amount of time.

I think it's all in how you both go in to counseling, with an open mind & heart. If you both are open to it then it might take a short time. If you both aren't open to it, then it might take longer or not at all. Hope I explained myself OK...this all sounded good in my head while typing...lol

[Incognito]

I understand perfectly. Basically you can't be helped unless you want help and allow yourself to be helped. Judging from my wifes reaction though, she will be the determining factor. I foresee it taking a lot of counseling for her to give up her angry tendencies. Fortunately this counselor also deals with anger management. Then there is my wife's lack of sex drive, but there again this counselor supposedly deals with those issues as well.

[misombra]

I bet your wife is angry because shes very unhappy. Everytime ive seen a couple do counseling its resulted in termination of the relationship.