Am I just shallow??? HELP-Confused!

[hope555]

Hi everyone,
After a heartbreaking breakup about a year ago, I am now dating one of close guy friends ever since he told me liked me. I always had really enjoyed spending time with him and really appreciated his character..but had nothing more than a slight crush on him. But still, I decided to try dating someone I wouldn't normally instantly go for. We've been dating for 3 months now, and he is one of the best boyfriends I have ever had. He is sweet, considerate, communicative, very caring and understanding..just emotionally, a sweet, supportive, dreamy bf. But, superficially, although I'm attracted to him, he's not everything I pictured myself dating. The only thing is that he is really short (only 5'6")...I'm 5'4", and I have always enjoyed my past bfs who have been atleast 6 ft tall. Also, my current bf doesn't have those superficial qualities that impress me..like he's not overly funny. My past bfs have been superficially a dream..but just didn't care about me as much as my current bf does.

I don't know...I appreciate him so much, and can see him being a solid partner in life. But some part of me keeps thinking about his height/ looks. You want to think your bf is the most handsome man on the planet..but I don't feel that way about him. Am I just a shallow person and should get over it?? Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do?? Any advice is appreciate..thanks!

-Hope

[searock]

The point isn't whether you're shallow or not. It's that these reasons are actually making you wonder whether he is the right one for you. Are you in love with him? While it is definitely true that you should, ideally, never date a guy who doesn't love you at least as much as you love him (as might have happened with your previous bfs), it is also true that you should never "settle" for a really great guy whom you aren't in love with (unless that is exactly what you're looking for, which I don't think is the case with you). You can have a great relationship with him, it may last for years, but you will always feel like something is missing, if you are looking for "true love".

My guess is that if you were in love with this guy you wouldn't really care how tall or funny he was.

[hope555]

Wow!! Thanks for the reply. It seems exactly what I'm feeling.

I was just wondering, has anyone been in this situation, where their feelings have changed over time?? We've only been dating for 3 months..so its hard for me to fall in love with him yet. But I'm taking it slow and enjoying the relationship rather than breaking it up over superficial reasons because I see myself potentially falling in love with his amazing character. Is it a bad idea to stick around because of this reason??

Sometimes I feel like I'm just dating him because he's a amazing guy, and I was heartbroken and bored. It feels good now to have that companionship and have something to do on the weekends. These are bad reasons to be in a relationship right?? Thanks for any advice.

-Hope

[Boisdevie]

If you love him then you love him. End of. If you don't you don't. End of.

You're dating him cos you're bored? Poor bastard. So basically he's too short for you and you're using him? He should dump you asap. He deserves better than you

[hope555]

Its not as simple as if I love him or if I don't. I'm not sure how I feel. And I'm not using him at all. I'm very honest with my feelings, and I treat him really well! I just want to see where its headed....not make any rash decisions over a good guy.

[Red Apollo]

"I can see him being a solid partner in life. But he isn't 6 feet tall and isn't very funny so....I just don't know."

That is pretty much what I got out of your post. It sounds ridiculous, and a bit shallow. You are never going to find anyone perfect, everyone is going to have flaws you don't like. These flaws seem to be very minor ones at best. Especially since he is still taller than you. Its better than having some dreamy 6ft tall guy ignore you, except for when he has a funny joke to try out.

[bcgirl]

You are rarely going to find someone who fits your specific qualities of "prince charming" to a T. Your next boyfriend may look like Ryan Reynolds but cheat on you and mistreat you. I would much rather stay with someone who is 5'6 and treats me well than someone who doesn't. When you love someone...you can look past their looks. Just look at old people....everyone gets old, crippled, some end up in wheelchairs etc....but love is more than just the outter shell. Ryan Reynolds will get old one day and then no one would want him on GQ magazine.

[searock]

Sometimes I feel like I'm just dating him because he's a amazing guy, and I was heartbroken and bored. It feels good now to have that companionship and have something to do on the weekends. These are bad reasons to be in a relationship right??

It depends on what you want. Do you want to have a relationship with a man that you are in love with? The man that you know is "the one" and your best friend, whom you want to spend your life with and can't imagine a future without? If so, then yes, those are invalid reasons and you should break up asap.

Instead, if you are just looking for stability and comfort, then you have what you want. Just keep in mind that it is unfair to your partner to keep the relationship going, if he is in love with you and believes that you feel the same. Just make sure that he knows that you don't feel that way about him, not as deeply as he does. Tell him your doubts, basically tell him what you wrote here. After that, it's up to him to decide whether he wants to continue your relationship or not (assuming you want to continue it).

On a general note: it is always best to take some time for yourself, after a breakup. It's never a good idea to get romantically involved with someone, if you still have someone else on your mind. Also, keep in mind that the longer time you spend with this guy (whom you are not in love with), the less time you will have to dedicate to actual love.

I don't believe that you will fall in love with this guy anytime in the near future. He was a close friend before you dated him, so it's not like you don't know him - quite the opposite. Yet during all this time you haven't fallen for him. It's just not going to happen.

[smackie9]

This has nothing to do with his height....this has a lot to do with chemistry...there isn't any. A guy can be just wonderful to you, but that doesn't mean you have to find him sexually attractive......all there is, is emotional attachment, that is why you have just been friends with him all this time. Be honest with him. Tell him that you don't feel any chemistry. It will break his heart but there is no sense in dragging this out any longer....you gave it your best shot.

[malteser]

When I first met my bf I was drawn to his personality rather than his appearance. At first I saw me and him just being good friends because whilst I really enjoyed spending time with him, I didn't feel much desire to kiss or touch him and I was hugely disappointed because he was such good company. All that changed when I slept with him for the first time though, so his looks did grow on me whereas that hasn't happened with you and your bf. You will not find someone perfect, and personality is way more important, however if this is bothering you (which clearly it is) then I would seriously consider whether this guy is who you want. I get the whole wanting to be with someone really handsome, but when introducing my bf to my family/friends it's their personality I am more bothered about rather than how they look, they can be the best looking guy on the plant but a total waste of space.

[hope555]

Thank you all for all great insights. Its basically like reading my thoughts in writing by someone else. Like some of you, I believe there's no absolutely perfect guy. And his flaws are so minor that he's almost perfect. That's why I want to stick around for a few months to see if I can grow to truly love him. I've fallen for huge jerks before, and this is a change I'm making in my life. When I go out on one-one dates with him, I'm very happy. But the longer I spend away from him, the more I question the relationship. Not sure what that means??

I think he's too much of a good catch for me not to try harder...harder than 3 months of dating. He knows how I feel...maybe not the short thing, but he knows I'm still feeling this out, and we're taking it as it foes.

[IndiReloaded]

Yes.
(10 char)

[bulrush]

Only you can determine if his height is a deal breaker. You need to seriously think about this. But also keep in mind, that truly compatible guys and committed guys are very hard to find. You don't want to pass up an opportunity. Besides, it's too early to see if you two are a good match or not.

[hope555]

Thank you very much bulrush! That is exactly what I needed to hear! I know his character amazes me everytime..and I don't want to miss out on it. I think with time, the height thing won't matter. It's already starting to feel like a non-issue. We talked about it today, and he said he wouldn't change his height for the world. He said being short is who he is ..it made him try extra hard and give that much more effort to prove himself when he used to be play competetive soccer. I thought that was a really mature, confident way of looking at it.

Anyway, I'm going to give this a good shot with an open heart. Wish me luck. Thank you all for your great advice!

[searock]

I think you totally did the right thing by bringing up the height issue with him. I'm glad it turned out that way. Maybe you were just trying to find "excuses" to not open yourself and your feelings up to him too much, perhaps because you were/are still a bit "scared" due to previous relationships. In that case, I think it's going to be fine, he seems like a really great guy ; ). Good luck!