Made things awkward - need help

[ccand84]

I've been dating a girl for the past few weeks. We've gone on around 6 dates and she's come back to mine three times, the most recent of which was last night.

Nothing's ever happened on the previous two occasions, but yesterday it looked like something was going to happen, but then she seemed to freak out, and was actually offended by the fact that I thought something would happen. It was quite awkward in the morning.

So... I really need some help to try to recover the situation. I was thinking of a light-hearted text or should I apologise for any misunderstanding? Or perhaps call? Or should I just go cold for a bit?

[searock]

What happened exactly? What did you do that made her freak out, how did she "freak out", how was it awkward in the morning? I'm assuming you both slept in the same bed?

[ccand84]

Yeah we both slept in the same bed. Things were escalating, then I suddenly got a 'what do you think is happening here' from her and she seemed stunned that I thought things were going to continue escalating. That's it. I think she was just very surprised that I thought we'd go all the way.

She was very quiet in the morning and said that she felt awkward.

[searock]

So you were having foreplay, then you attempted to have intercourse and she stopped you?

[ccand84]

Yes that's exactly what happened.

[searock]

Did something different from the other times happen, that made you think that you would have gone "all the way"? I am just wondering where the misunderstanding came from.

Anyway, by the sound of it that's exactly what it was, a simple misunderstanding. She may be feeling a bit insecure as to what to do with you since she possibly feels like you have somehow invaded her boundaries or something. I think you should clear things up as soon as possible. Do you have plans to meet anytime soon? You may text her saying that you're sorry about the misunderstanding and that you didn't "expect" anything, you just thought it was heading that way but it's not like you're disappointed or anything (obviously, just say this if it's the truth). I think the important thing is she understands that you are not with her just in hopes to get sex.

The key is communication. You have only been dating each other for a very short time, so it's normal to have these sorts of misunderstandings. If the relationship progresses, you will learn to sometimes understand each other even without verbal communication. But in general - especially at the beginning of new relationships - talking is essential to avoid unpleasant situations such as this one.

On a side note (I'll just state the obvious here), next time you're sleeping together, wait until she initiates (or clearly lets you understand that she is willing to go to the next level).

[ccand84]

Yes, things were much more heated, she had completely undressed (unlike the other two times), we'd had a really nice evening. But for some reason she took offence and I'm not sure what to do next...

[searock]

Well, seems like you had every reason to believe that you were going to go all the way. But sometimes it's fun to have heated foreplay without intercourse, and that's what she was looking forward to. She should have been more explicit in letting you know that, though (unless you had discussed it in previous occasions?). While she had every right to stop you from having intercourse, it doesn't seem like she had a "right" to take offense, since the whole situation indicated imminent intercourse so to speak. Something quite similar actually happened with my boyfriend, the first times we were dating. We were in bed together, both completely undressed and playing around, he starts looking for a condom and I'm like "uhm, I'd actually wait a bit longer for that". I wasn't offended at all, nor was he: we just communicated.

So yeah, I think you should talk to her and discuss this issue together, so you can see where you both stand : ).

[ccand84]

That's exactly it... started looking around for a condom and she was like 'what's happening here'.

Thanks for your replies though - they definitely help. I'll give her a call this evening and hopefully clear it up.

[oldskool83]

tell her you'd like to see her again and take her for dinner. maybe she thought u wanted to feel up her vag and the peace her.

[Wakeup]

Yes that's exactly what happened.

Why are you sleeping in the same bed if you've not yet had sex yet? That is not a very smart thing for either of you to do. It provokes false feelings and it's a cock-tease to say the least. Don't allow yourself to become her cuddle bitch. If she doens't want to have sex with you yet then don't give her the opportunity to confuse you by being in your bed like it's a freaking teenage pajama party.

I suggest you back off for a bit and call her in a few days and ask her out again. If she agrees then don't bring it up until she does, but if she asks to sleep over tell her that you'll not be doing that again. That its not a good idea unless you've both agreed that your ready to move to the next level. Sleeping with someone you've not yet had sex with is how you guys get yourself placed on the "Friends Ladder" google it and educate yourself.

Keep in mind that if she's not ready to have sex with you yet then she shouldn't be leading you on the way she is. That's why its a good idea not to sleep with someone until you've already had sex. At least then you won't get the wrong idea from girls who don't know what the hell they want.

[searock]

Why are you sleeping in the same bed if you've not yet had sex yet? That is not a very smart thing for either of you to do. It provokes false feelings and it's a cock-tease to say the least. Don't allow yourself to become her cuddle bitch. If she doens't want to have sex with you yet then don't give her the opportunity to confuse you by being in your bed like it's a freaking teenage pajama party.

I suggest you back off for a bit and call her in a few days and ask her out again. If she agrees then don't bring it up until she does, but if she asks to sleep over tell her that you'll not be doing that again. That its not a good idea unless you've both agreed that your ready to move to the next level. Sleeping with someone you've not yet had sex with is how you guys get yourself placed on the "Friends Ladder" google it and educate yourself.

Keep in mind that if she's not ready to have sex with you yet then she shouldn't be leading you on the way she is. That's why its a good idea not to sleep with someone until you've already had sex. At least then you won't get the wrong idea from girls who don't know what the hell they want.

Hmm I don't entirely agree with this - I would agree if all they had done was cuddle, but they were having foreplay, which sort of is sex actually. Sex is not just the intercourse part. Maybe she likes to become physically intimate with a man one step at a time, getting gradually more comfortable with him and eventually having intercourse. It makes sense to me - my bf and I have actually done exactly that, and we are now both very happy with our relationship : ).

I do think that the OP and his date should discuss their views on sex though. If she doesn't want to have intercourse ever, then it's obviously a problem. It's a problem even if she only wants to wait, but the OP does not. So yeah, I think communication is the key in this case (as in many others).

[Wakeup]

Hmm I don't entirely agree with this - I would agree if all they had done was cuddle, but they were having foreplay, which sort of is sex actually. Sex is not just the intercourse part. Maybe she likes to become physically intimate with a man one step at a time, getting gradually more comfortable with him and eventually having intercourse. It makes sense to me - my bf and I have actually done exactly that, and we are now both very happy with our relationship : ).

I do think that the OP and his date should discuss their views on sex though. If she doesn't want to have intercourse ever, then it's obviously a problem. It's a problem even if she only wants to wait, but the OP does not. So yeah, I think communication is the key in this case (as in many others).

She can get intimate one step at a time but she can do it without sleeping with him. I tell all young men who confess to this happening to keep a bed for sleeping in alone or to share with someone they've already consumated the relationship with. It keeps things crystal clear and avoids the guy from being placed on the friends ladder, there is no mis-communication as to intentions and it avoids false emotions as well as becoming vulnerable before you even know who they are.

You guys are happy now but you worked hard at that and, your boyfriend (if I remember correctly) was confused with why you were waiting so long to finally give in. I understand why he would be now because sleeping with someone you're doing everything but intercourse with would make any guy confused, IMO.

Cheers, Sea.

[searock]

Hm I still think it all comes down to good communication. My bf and I slept in the same bed several times before we had intercourse - even before we had oral sex! But we both always understood each other very well, so there was never any misunderstanding/awkwardness/whatever. We both knew that it was best to take it slow and progress gradually, and we both knew that we were looking for something long-term with each other, etc: we knew exactly what we wanted and we knew we wanted the same things. That's the key I think.

She miscommunicated with him by sleeping with him, getting naked and having heated foreplay with him, I agree with that. They should have discussed the issue before they slept together, since it seems like they aren't very good at understanding each other in other ways - as is normal, since they only just started dating. But if they verbally communicate and discuss the issue now, it can be fixed.

[vashti]

She shouldn't be sleeping in your bed without expecting that you to think it might lead to sex, especially if she is naked. Her being offended is ridiculous, unless she is still a teenager and too stupid/inexperienced to know better.