Don't want to be with husband, now in love with another man? Help?

[sarah43245]

Hi,
Please help me!
First I would like to say I am not posting this for people to attack me. I know I have made mistakes and I feel terrible about it. If you want to attack me, then don’t reply and please do it in your own mind. I am only human, we all make mistakes.

Every relationship I have had in the past has ended up hurting me. Everytime I fall in Love I have got hurt.

Ok in October 2010 I started talking to a guy from another city. In a short period of time we became very close and good friends – best friends, speaking nearly everyday on the phone. In november that year I went away to visit a friend who was just married. While there I bumped into an ex boyfriend, the friend I was staying with had a big fight with her new husband and being with them was unbarable. My ex offered me to stay with him. I did and we started dating again. But for some reason I felt like I was cheating on my best friend, even though we had never gone out. I extended my holiday and stayed over Christmas and New year. In January the guy I was staying with proposed to me. I was shocked but for some reason said yes. I didn’t love him, but he was a good person inside and treated me like no other boyfriend had treated me before. I made a mistake and I married him thinking I could fall in love with him. We got married in January 2011. As time went by after this, I regretted my decision more, we fought a lot and he used to say some nasty things to me, and was generally a very cold person, not giving me love or affection. In May I had to go home for Visa issues.

When home I did not miss him and we continued fighting. We arranged to go on holiday a little after (our honeymoon). We fought every day and I told him I wanted to break up with him. He begged me for another chance so i agreed, but didn’t really want to, any affection I had for him before had gone. After the holiday he went home and I went back to my home. Waiting for the visa documents to process.

All while this was happening I stayed in contact with my best friend. I didn’t tell him everything, but he helped me stop being too sad.

In September my friend was visiting my city for a holiday and we arranged to meet. Immediately we were so close. We did nothing to cheat on my husband, but I felt I had feelings for him. He was perfect. While with him I just wanted to kiss him and be with him. I thought he just thought of me as a friend. But after a week he left. I missed him so much. He was like the guy I had dreamed of my whole life. I knew he was special from before, but now I had fallen in love with my best friend.

After he left, I said I was missing him and after some talking, he admitted the same and we realised we both had feelings for each other. I had butterflies in my stomach, I had never ever felt like this about someone and I felt he was my soul mate.

We carried on talking everyday nearly and we both fell even more in love. Meanwhile my husband was still making me unhappy, I did not love him, he didn’t make me happy in anyway and I had no spark for him, I had no desire to be with him. I tried to break up with him, but he would just ignore it and change the subject. I wanted to scream. I knew I didn’t want him and that was enough of a reason to break up, but also I am ashamed to say my feelings for another man led to me doing it also, but I felt very guilty. We had delays with the visa documents and to be honest I didn’t have any desire to rush things along. My husband came to see me in December and within a couple of days I broke up with him. Even though I shouldn’t have, I was thinking of my best friend every second, the man I love. Even though I broke up with my husband, he again pretended like nothing had happened, when I brought it up again, he would just cry. I felt so bad, so guilty. He was not a bad person, but I felt him more of a friend, but not someone I wanted to be married to.

He went home at the end of Dec. Since then he was calling up again pretending like nothing happened, and again my guilt was driving me crazy, I felt so bad.

Its now 2 weeks on. I know I don’t want to be with my husband. He doesn’t make me happy and I don’t love him. But I feel terrible leaving him. Also every bit of me including my heart is telling me to be with the man I love. But I am terrified. We have never been together, everytime I fall in love I have been hurt in the past, but this love is like no other I have had before, I think of him everyday and he feels the same. I am scared of regret, scared of making another mistake, I know no matter what I am going to hurt someone lots. I have the choice of hurting my husband, or the choice of hurting my soul mate and my happiness.

Please help!

[Bonfire]

It's pretty obvious what you should do right? I don't think you need anyone to tell you.

[Boisdevie]

If you're not happy in a marriage then either try to fix it or end it. Simple really. And ending a long term relationship always hurts. There is no way to avoid it.

[dem862]

Hi,
Please help me!

Every relationship I have had in the past has ended up hurting me. Everytime I fall in Love I have got hurt.

Maybe you should consider just being single for a while. Just sayin'.

[bbunny]

I stayed with a boyfriend for three years because I was too afraid to hurt him by leaving. Now that I've left, I feel great about it. It seems that it's clear to you that this friend of yours is the man you want to be with. I would break it off with your husband sooner than later, it will save both of you drawn out heartache. It's always hard to break up, pain is never avoided in the situation but you need to do what you feel is best for you.

[vashti]

Please use birth control. In fact, please use 2 forms.

[smackie9]

Step one, you made this mess now clean it up. Come clean with your husband. Tell him you are with another man, you are in love with this other man and you want to be with this other man. Second, call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Do not apply for your visa...stop all paper work or cancel it. Lastly, tell your BF everything..... ask for his help. If this man truly loves you enough, he will support you all the way. If he doesn't then you better rethink about being with this guy too. You have to tell him, he is going to find out everything anyways. This is a man you want to be with and is your soul mate, then there should never be any secrets kept from him am I right?

Tip: learn to be honest with yourself (and everyone involved)before you decide anything especially when deciding to marry someone. Obviously you only know how to make poor choices, so learn to talk to someone close to you like a friend or family member for advice.

[IndiReloaded]

Idiot. This story is as old as the hills. Bonfire has called this one.

[bulrush]

Sounds like you should divorce your husband. But you really shouldn't get married. You seem to think that a relationship will work just because you love them, you never mentioned compatibility or common interests. Love doesn't fix a relationship, knowledge of how a relationship works, and actions, fix a relationship. ALL relationships have problems at one time or another and if you don't have the skills to fix it, the relationship dies, you start another one, and the cycle starts all over again, and you get hurt again when this new relationship ends.

No matter how many relationships you have I suspect they will all go bad because you don't understand the importance of compatibility.

[IndiReloaded]

ALL relationships have problems at one time or another and if you don't have the skills to fix it, the relationship dies, you start another one, and the cycle starts all over again, and you get hurt again when this new relationship ends.

This is the cycle we see today with many relationships. Enjoy it until it gets a bit hard and then bail. Of course, it depends on what ones goals are. If its marriage tho, I agree with you.

[bcgirl]

Every relationship I have had in the past has ended up hurting me. Everytime I fall in Love I have got hurt.

do you think that it's not a coincidence this happens each and everytime. Perhaps it's YOU that makes poor love choices over and over and over again?

As for the husband.....why not just file a divorce? You'd feel so much better as if a weight has been lifted. You don't love him and you two fight constantly and you never loved him to begin with. My friend married someone she wasn't in love with...thought maybe she could grow to love him. It's been 6 years and 2 children later....they are finally getting a divorce. Don't wait until children to realize you need to leave your husband (it's going to be even harder). Leave him now.

[oldskool83]

divorce, prepare to get kicked out, so find a place. oh and try and take him for everything else, you already went out side the relationship and what all you needed. lastly...you file for divorce...he should have to pay to get rid of you yet, you already stepped out.

as far as the new one...be preparied he will peace you...normaly you loose both when you pull these stunts...lol, get a dog and get your vag sewn shut...you'll find a good man only then, just get all the sand out before ya sew it shut

[bulrush]

In order to fix things, one has to admit their failings, and fix themselves.

do you think that it's not a coincidence this happens each and everytime. Perhaps it's YOU that makes poor love choices over and over and over again?

I don't think the OP is a bad person, I just think she lacks basic relationship skills.

[bcgirl]

I don't think the OP is a bad person, I just think she lacks basic relationship skills.

never implied she was a bad person. Just that she does lack the tools to be in a serious relationship so therefore it's no coincidence that she finds herself in unhappy relationships. She needs to go back to square one and understand herself first before she can understand the concept of a proper relationship.

[IndiReloaded]

She needs to go back to square one and understand herself first .

lol, people toss these phrases about as if they actually understand what it means. What does it mean "understand herself", exactly?