How to overcome insecurities

[pepper]

Hi,

I would run into this man a lot at my work. We have each other on facebook so I started talking to him on there. I eventually asked him to hang out. He agreed. I had this misunderstanding with a man that lasted months. I feel for him but he said he wanted to be single because he had a stressful time with his ex and just wanted to be single for a while. I ended up feeling a lot closer to him than he did to me after. Months later I tried talking to him again. I thought we enjoyed talking to each other. I asked him about hanging out again and he said he wasn't sure. He told me I was too insecure and clingy and he didn't feel comfortable being my friend. He said he just wanted to fool around with me and never have anything more with me. He also told me that if it hadn't been for my insecurities we might have been able to be friends. He said that maybe in a few months we could talk again...I just need to get over this myself. How do I get over insecurities? I feel like I have a lot to offer (i.e. educated, nice, pretty) but I always feel bad about myself. I took a chance on this guy and then hell broke loose...

[carl1222]

Your post is a bit confusing ... is the man in your first sentence the same man you are talking about in the rest of your post? I will assume it is.

It is not unusual for someone to not want to get into a serious relationship soon after a bad break-up. So it isn't too surprising that he would be looking for someone whose company he would enjoy, but with no strings attached for the time being. The more important thing, therefore, is does your own insecurity and clinginess undermine new relationships for you in normal, non-rebound, situations? Do you find yourself needing an annoying amount of attention and reassurance? Do you have issues with jealousy?

[parkbom]

Why don't you leave him alone and find another guy. There are so many guys out there why him? He's not into you, so move on. I was stuck in this kind of situation when my friend already made it clear that we're just friends nothing more, so leave him alone. He may think your insecure, needy and clingy because I think he told me many times that he does not want a relationship at the moment but you're still talking to him and want to hang out with him. Are you really insecure or is it because he said so, you think you are? Everyone is insecure you know.

i say instead of trying to overcome your insecurities for HIM, go out and look for another man who likes you for who you are and wants to start a real relationship with you. This man just wants Friends with benefits, but nothing more. Even if you offer FWB, he may not want to be in a relationship with you probably just wants to keep you around for fun and his own pleasure. Time to move on.

[Aeradalia]

He said he just wanted to fool around with me and never have anything more with me.

He stated precisely what he's looking for - a simple fling.

He also told me that if it hadn't been for my insecurities we might have been able to be friends.

Here he's offering a bs excuse which shifts the blame from him to you.


The guy appears to be manipulative, and even if that's not the case, it's clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

So, what remains is what are you really wanting? If you're wanting a relationship, he's made it apparent that he doesn't desire that. It's time to move on. His rejection of your advances may not have anything to do with you. Sometimes, a person simply isn't interested, and no amount of self-help or modifying of your behavior will change that. It's ok to let him go and find someone who is interested in what you have to offer.

[pepper]

Your post is a bit confusing ... is the man in your first sentence the same man you are talking about in the rest of your post? I will assume it is.

It is not unusual for someone to not want to get into a serious relationship soon after a bad break-up. So it isn't too surprising that he would be looking for someone whose company he would enjoy, but with no strings attached for the time being. The more important thing, therefore, is does your own insecurity and clinginess undermine new relationships for you in normal, non-rebound, situations? Do you find yourself needing an annoying amount of attention and reassurance? Do you have issues with jealousy?

I find myself needing a lot of attention but I am not a jealous person. He did not tell me he wanted a new strings attached until after I confessed to have feelings for him.

[bulrush]

I have to say this now that I have more experience. I used to have intimacy issues, where I didn't like if girls got too attached to me, because they appeared "clingy". Now I'm over that, and I have no problems expressing how I feel about a girl, and I like to spend a lot of time with them. So, to some girls, I'm the one that might appear clingy. So there's a fine line between "being clingy" and having a very open heart and being attached to someone. I do like if a girl likes to spend a lot of time with me. As long as they don't get jealous. You might call it clingy, I call it being close to someone.

I think "being clingy" is defined, perhaps, by if the girl cries because she can't spend as much time with the guy as she wants to. She becomes unrealistic about her expectations.

So, are you unrealistic about your expecations? You have to keep in mind young men have not developed their emotions very well, nor do they know how to deal with yours.

I think it would help if you read a book about the difference between male and female psychology. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is older, but a good start. There might be something more modern and helpful. My point is, men and women view things differently. Women are much more comfortable showing emotions, men are not. Plus women develop emotionally much faster than men. This difference can put a strain on a relationship if you don't understand that it's normal. I think this is one reason why younger women like older men, because the two are now emotionally closer on the maturity ladder.

We could also use some details of why you feel insecure, or what the guys perceive as insecurities.

[pepper]

We could also use some details of why you feel insecure, or what the guys perceive as insecurities.[/QUOTE]

He says I messaged him too much. Last year we talked online for 2 months since I was away at school. I asked him about hanging out. He said he wasn't ready for anything serious but still thought I was a smart, cute, funny girl and he liked to talk to me. He kept sending me messages saying he couldn't wait to see me. I got him he was the first person I saw because he was so eager to. We went out to get something to eat and then watched a movie at his house. He kept coming onto me and I kept saying no. I had a huge crush on this guy and that I normally wouldn't have done so early. We did not have sex. He messaged me a few days later about going out for coffee. We hung out once a week for the 10 weeks I was back. I then went away to school again. He did not msg me like he said he would. I came home and asked him to hang out again. He was distant...he then told me he just wanted to be friends. We hung out twice after about once a month...we then made out again. I told him how I felt and he told me I was supposed to be a one night stand. We have known of each other for years...how was I supposed to be a one night stand? Anyway, we stopped talking for a while. Later I ran into him and it was awkward. I said I was over it and asked about maybe being friends. He agreed and then kissed me when we hung out. A month later I asked him to habg out again. He said it wasn't a good idea because I was going to fall for him and he could never have romantic feelings for me. We hung out again and it was fun. I then said something about how I was afraid of developing real feelings for him because there was a clear physical attraction. He said all it could ever be was a physical attraction. We stopped talking again...I ran into him and we talked and it was nice. I asked him about hanging out and he said I was too insecure and it was too much effort to be my friend. He said all he ever wanted was to get off. I feel like what he says now doesn't match his actions from before. I keep running into him (we live in the same neighbourhood).

[oldskool83]

he wanted to hump u and thats all. you hear it for yourself

find a better guy to spend time with.