married and confused:( :(

[isbell76]

well when we met the only problem she had was her depression, which I was able to deal with, and as time has passed there has been more and more health problems and there seems to be no end. Also, we got pregnat before we got married and I thought and felt I was doing the right thing even though I was scared to death, and never let her know it. I was trying to be the "tough guy", and now maybe I am just wore out. That is why I am so confused. I am ready to do the counseling, even for my self so I do under stand things better.

[Wakeup]

well when we met the only problem she had was her depression, which I was able to deal with, and as time has passed there has been more and more health problems and there seems to be no end. Also, we got pregnat before we got married and I thought and felt I was doing the right thing even though I was scared to death, and never let her know it. I was trying to be the "tough guy", and now maybe I am just wore out. That is why I am so confused. I am ready to do the counseling, even for my self so I do under stand things better.

You're exhausted. You really need to find a way to let your wife know that you are tired of being chief, cook and bottle washer around your household. You need to be strong in not enabling her to be the person she has become. You need education on how to tell this woman 'NO' when a no is needed. (like with her spending). I don't think she has a clue how you're feeling. If you tell her how you are feeling, do not let her tell you "you could get someone better." That's no effing answer.

You have my sympathy but I think she needs a bit of tough love so she stops taking you for granted.


Be well.

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with wake up, it's time for some tough love. It sucks and it's hard but with some people it's necessary. Personal experience, I have had to decide to not 'rescue' my husband when he goes out drinking. This means not sending anyone to find him when he drinks his cab money, no more covering shifts at his night job, no more sympathy for situations he puts himself into. It hurts. It feels like I am not there for him when he 'needs' me. Then I remind myself I get up every morning before I have to just to plait his hair for work (it's half way down his back, love long hair on a guy but I digress)

I can relate to your wife a lot on the depression side of things. I have been in and out of counselling for nearly half of my life. I have a very hard time staying motivated to keep the house clean. I also have a room full of art supplies I don't have the inspiration to use and a pile of unfinished paintings that make me feel like crap for not finishing them.

I don't know what the purpose of this post is..... I think I just wanted to back up WU and let you know that I'm telling you that as someone in a similar position as your wife.

[isbell76]

I have been doing that, and telling her what I have been thinking and feeling (of course nothing about devorce, for once that goes out there, there is no taking it back). All she says it that she will try, and ends up crying cause I am hurting her feelings. Plus I do not want to be a demanding husband and I do not expect everything to be perfect. If I am coming off in away that makes me sound like I do I do not mean to.

[Wakeup]

I have been doing that, and telling her what I have been thinking and feeling (of course nothing about devorce, for once that goes out there, there is no taking it back). All she says it that she will try, and ends up crying cause I am hurting her feelings. Plus I do not want to be a demanding husband and I do not expect everything to be perfect. If I am coming off in away that makes me sound like I do I do not mean to.

Don't cave to her crying and her simple words of 'I'll try." Tell her you need to see her actions that she is TRYING because you'll not be enabling her to coast on words without actions to back them up. You are not coming across as a "demanding husband." Its not demanding to expect your partner to be able to function and due simple everyday things that show you that she cares and wants to be your supportive partner. Not demanding at all.
Quit letting her crying and "I'll trys" end the conversation with you just accepting her words without action. Christ, does this woman need to be committed for a spell or what?

@ Minx: You truely are living both the op's and his wifes side of things to some degree. Thank you for sharing that. I hope you're getting some group support with people who are going through similar. E-hugzz!
Op: Group support might be a good idea for you as well.

[MaidenMinx]

Had a heap typed out until my son tripped on the power cord to the slowly dying lap top... dag nabbit!

ummmm... to sum up, as Yoda (not personally Star Wars fan, just married to one) would say "Do or do not. There is no try". When she says she is trying, tell her trying isn't good enough. (I keep getting sorry from my husband and I've started saying "I don't want to hear sorry, I want to see changes".) Maybe start with small expectations for her too. Maybe something like "to start, I'd like to see the dishes done and put away at least once a day". There is no reason to respond to that with "I'll try" if she does, tell her the Yoda quote. If she cries tell her you love her, you need to see some effort. Give her a hug and DON'T let yourself get dragged into further conversation about it.

[IndiReloaded]

Her crying sounds the same as guys who get mad when their wife makes a legitimate complaint. Its an attempt to deflect responsibility. Let her cry (its her release of frustration) but she still needs to do her share. Anyone with kids will recognize this tactic "You can cry... I understand its hard, but you do need to clean your room. It smells. Sorry." :-)

[isbell76]

thank you,, all of you! it does give me some direction to go for now untill we get to counceling.

[MaidenMinx]

You're most welcome. Best of luck.

[isbell76]

well the wife and I got into a major fight last night...... she told me that she was going to try for disablity, now she has no dr backing, will not go through the steps that the dr told her, she just wants to give up and skip straight to the end. It pissed me off cause she said she would try to do what they told her to. I let her have it big time and she also basicly called me a lier for this past friday I was to buy something off of craigslist made a 2hr drive and the guy never showed, and while I was there I stoped at the bar that my friend works at and hung out for a few hours, drank for 3, soberd up for 2. It was nothing more than a guy night out. By the time we were done with the fight she said I was to sleep on the couch, which I did and she also made the coment that maybe the couples theripy should be devorce theripy! She said it not me! Later she knew she was in the wrong and said that she would get the appointment cancled, she worked on supper, then said "I love you" wanting me to respond and I did not! She hurt me very deeply last night and I know that I hurt her, later in the night she wanted to "talk" about it once the kids were home and I would not!

[MaidenMinx]

Are you having financial issues? I ask because she might be looking for an easy penny as well as an 'out' of responsibility.

Your impromptu boys night out wasn't the greatest idea. Whenever my hubby does something like that I hate it because it feels like he can go and do as he pleases yet I am stuck at home.

Keep telling her that trying isn't doing. Surely what the doctor has asked of her isn't too hard.
Ask her bluntly if she wants to be better (ie mentally and physically healthy). Do so calmly. If she gives you too many "Yes buts" let her know that when you use the word but you basically negate everything that came before the but and what you say after the but is the truth.

[isbell76]

well the impromto night out... she tells me to have them cause I am usally the home body and have been for the past 10yrs when I let her go and do what she wants to, she usally goes over to a friends house daily yet is to sore to do anything when she gets home.

Yes money is tight but we are makeing it on what little I make. the reason she was going to try for disablity was cause her mom keeps hounding her about trying for it! When my wife does not get simpathy from me she looks to mom and so her mom just asks her about the disability and wont stop!

What the dr asked of her was to go through the medical regimant, 1st set up appointment with family dr ( I had to keep on her to do it and she has keep putting it off, now has one but not for another couple of weeks when she was to have seen her last month) 2nd she can have her lyrica increassed one more time then it is onto pain meds, then if that does not work then on to disablity. So no not that hard!

[MaidenMinx]

Maybe pull her mum aside and tell her she isn't helping.. that isn't support.

Didn't mean to project my crap on to your story, I apologise for that.

I hope you can get her to see that she is not doing herself, you or your kids any good. Good luck.

[bulrush]

I read the first 10 replies and here's what I got.

1. Sounds like your wife is depressed, possibly from her illness. Is she on meds for depression? Because if she is, they aren't working.

2. I agree, it sounds like this other woman represents what you lost and still long for in your wife.

3. This is my belief about G_d. He will not fix things for you, but will show you a path of how to fix them. The bad thing is, I really needed to be on meds and G_d never told me anything about that. What a letdown. Now I'm on meds (no thanks to the Powers-What-Is) I'm 100% better.

4. Stop seeing this other woman, it's just making things complicated. There should be no contact at all.

5. If your wife won't try effective meds, then she will not be in a position to help herself. Why stay? I got a divorce when it became clear my ex would never ever help herself make a positive change. She was just dragging me down. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to change. Now I'm much happier. The divorce was tough, but it was necessary. I do not feel guilty about leaving someone who won't help themselves. But with depression it's more complicated. Depression means they think there is no hope for them, and they often don't want to try new things, they are emotionally spent trying to deal with just regular life.

6. Related to that, it's hard for me to respect someone who complains about something but refuses to do the work to change it. I changed my life through hard work and researching the things I needed (various meds). She can do it too. And I had depression. I got through it. But not everyone can.

[vashti]

Listen isbel, I'm a nurse, and I can tell you for sure that the pain med path is an awful one. Do the Lyrica, and get her some mental health assistance with someone who will be tougher with her and hold her more accountable. (You do realize that many people in the health care field believe fibromyalgia is a psych disorder, right?)

Your wife sounds more than half-way down the road to prescription junkie-hood. Honestly, I couldn't live with what that looks like.