Pls stop me from breaking NC!

[dior01]

I woke up today feeling anxious and just not in a very good mental state.. I know it will pass but I need support..

I had all kinds of nightmares last night.. I've been fighting with my mother lately (she has a tendency to do that to me every year for the holidays)...and I have no other family in this country...so the loneliness has kicked in and I had all kinds of nightmares last night... repressed images from my childhood.. (I had a very difficult childhood and an abusive alcoholic step father),.. paired with images from my failed engagement to my cheating ex-fiancee..and then finally images from my recent break up to a man I still really care about...

I don't know where all of this came from..maybe it's just New Year's anxiety..? But I woke up super sad and missing my ex whom I've been in NC with for 2.5 weeks and who I'm almost positive is probably back with ex girlfriend... sigh I broke up with him...so I don't know if I have the dumper remorse right now (even though I did nothing wrong and he gave me no choice but to pick between him or my dignity after he kissed his hysterical ex behind my back when she begged for him to get back together with her)... but I have such an urge to text msg him!!!

I had this great idea to send him a loooong msg as my goodbye and my NYE resolution would be to forget him for good and change my number..I don't know what this would accomplish other than to make me look stupid.. I think I am reaching out to him because I want him beside me for NYE and I'm so sad this happened... plus the loneliness thing I guess... I wish he would have been the one to talk to me by now... What I wish even more is that I could feel strong and stable again..

Someone pls tell me why contacting him is a horrible idea

[jen91]

I don't actually think the "no contact" thing is always a great idea. To me, it feels like you're holding in feelings. I'd say that you should do what makes you feel better, what makes you happy. If telling him goodbye gives you a sense of closure and makes you feel better...maybe you should. I wouldn't feel stupid for it because you just expressed feelings that you've had bottled up inside. Even if you get no response, it doesn't matter as long as it helped you. That's just how I feel.

[Wakeup]

I'll repeat what I told you in your other thread:

New girl: Keep up the no contact and get on with your life without Mr. Indecisive in your life. If he wanted you, then he would have told Old Girl to go **** herself, he would have blocked and deleted her so she couldn't harass him while he nutured his budding love for you. Google: Rebound Relationship and educate yourself about what you were involved in. If you take him back, new girl, I'd have a hard time understanding why because the chances are higher that he'll leave you again once he gets his mojo back from breaking up with old girl once again. Whatever you do New Girl, do not start hanging with him while he's still with her. If you let him have his cake and eat it too, he will never respect you enough to consider you past the casual.

Old Girl. You're a piece of work and I tell men to stay away from women like you all the time. Boarderline personality disorder presents in the way you treated your relationship with this 'boy." People who's actions say "Get away from me, now come here" make horrible partners with their emotional abuse.

Your problem is you were hoping the break up would manipulate him into being with you and forgetting her. Thing is, he was never over her and you didn't have a chance. Did you google "Rebound Relationship" or have you just done sweet fk all to get over this turd you pine for?

If you write that letter, don't send it because that would be even more manipulation attempts on your part. I suggest you write out your guts/mind until you get writers cramp (don't do it on the computer) and then keep that letter to keep referring to everytime you miss someone who didn't love you enough to let go of a skanky old ex. Then, when you've had your fill, when you've garnered enough personal insight about yourself to let go, that you BURN that letter and resign yourself to the fact that you're better off without him. You are or he would have never kept up the contact he did with an ex.

Choose to be happy without him instead of choosing to be sad without him. The choice is but you are preferring to choose to be sad, why?

[dior01]

I'll repeat what I told you in your other thread:

Your problem is you were hoping the break up would manipulate him into being with you and forgetting her. Thing is, he was never over her and you didn't have a chance. Did you google "Rebound Relationship" or have you just done sweet fk all to get over this turd you pine for?

If you write that letter, don't send it because that would be even more manipulation attempts on your part. I suggest you write out your guts/mind until you get writers cramp (don't do it on the computer) and then keep that letter to keep referring to everytime you miss someone who didn't love you enough to let go of a skanky old ex. Then, when you've had your fill, when you've garnered enough personal insight about yourself to let go, that you BURN that letter and resign yourself to the fact that you're better off without him. You are or he would have never kept up the contact he did with an ex.

Choose to be happy without him instead of choosing to be sad without him. The choice is but you are preferring to choose to be sad, why?

Everything you say makes perfect sense.. I did google "rebound" relationships.. a lot of the "warning signs" they say to watch out for never seemed evident to me..
-He never talked about the ex until she started to crank call him
-And the moving really fast thing.. well maybe my past experiences have done me a disservice here because I have had 3 serious relationships in my life... with very little dating in between.. all of them started off really fast paced.. I move in with my ex fiancee after 2 months and we were together for almost 3 yrs and engaged.. I dated another guy for 4 yrs before him who also swept me off my feet very fast..and my highschool bf and I became "official" after one date (although I know highschool doesn't count but just throwing it out there) None of those guys were on the rebound...so I didn't see it as a warning sign....
-I also read about the one month rule per every year they were together..so essentially don't go out with someone that got out of say..a 3 yr relationship if the break up happened less than 3 months ago..etc... they were over for 6 months and NC for 3 months..and together for a yr and a half.
I think the most valuable thing I read however was that a rebounder can mask his emotions..so sometimes there are very few warning signs.. which I think was most likely the case here..because I was flabbergasted at how his attitude changed overnight once she started contacting him even though he rarely even brought her up before..I think even I talked about my ex more than him!

I think that this was half rebound syndrome.. half ego... had he dumped her 6 months ago then moved on to something better..I don't think her begging would have had an effect on him.. but I think he loved the fact that this girl who treated him like sh!t for 1 yr and a half...made fun of him..then dumped him through text..suddenly was threatening to kill herself and wanted his babies.. he loved every min of it..if only you could have seen how his attitude changed and his head got so big... it's like he was a different person! So that makes him very immature..and also makes him exactly the opposite of the guy I thought he was..

I think I'm hanging on to the good times because it had been a long time since I felt this way and I thought I'd never find love again after my ex fiancee (whom I was convinced was my soulmate in the past) I'm not sad by choice.. it's like uncontrollable at this point.. I've had a lot of hardship and I think it comes out every time something bad happens to me..

The letter thing is a great idea.. I did that with my ex fiancee.. unfortunately there's not that big of a list I can write.. "he kissed his ex behind my back and now there together"... don't know what else I could put on the list of things I hate about him (my ex's list was 3 pages long..lol.. that's because I had 3 yrs worth of stuff on there)

[Wakeup]

Everything you say makes perfect sense.. I did google "rebound" relationships.. a lot of the "warning signs" they say to watch out for never seemed evident to me..

Are they evident now that you've had a chance to reflect on things?
There are a lot more signs than still talking about his ex and moving really fast.

-And the moving really fast thing.. well maybe my past experiences have done me a disservice here because I have had 3 serious relationships in my life... with very little dating in between.. all of them started off really fast paced.. I move in with my ex fiancee after 2 months and we were together for almost 3 yrs and engaged.. I dated another guy for 4 yrs before him who also swept me off my feet very fast..and my highschool bf and I became "official" after one date (although I know highschool doesn't count but just throwing it out there) None of those guys were on the rebound...so I didn't see it as a warning sign....

Why aren't you still with any of these men? Are you happy being a serial monogamous person or would you be happier finding someone compatible enough to spend the rest of your life with? How do you manage to go through so much hurt by breaking up every two - three years?

-I also read about the one month rule per every year they were together..so essentially don't go out with someone that got out of say..a 3 yr relationship if the break up happened less than 3 months ago..etc... they were over for 6 months and NC for 3 months..and together for a yr and a half.

That's a guideline. If it were totally to be relied on, then you'ld be over this guy by now, no?

I think the most valuable thing I read however was that a rebounder can mask his emotions..so sometimes there are very few warning signs.. which I think was most likely the case here..because I was flabbergasted at how his attitude changed overnight once she started contacting him even though he rarely even brought her up before..I think even I talked about my ex more than him!

There ya go. Keep in mind that she sounds like she is emotionally abusive and if he is addicted to the drama, had not yet gone cold turkey no contact long enough to actually be over her, then when she called again, she brought up all the highs and lows of the roller coaster she had him on and he just jumped right back on that drama ride. He may have needed some therapy to get over her completely for all you know.

I think that this was half rebound syndrome.. half ego... had he dumped her 6 months ago then moved on to something better..I don't think her begging would have had an effect on him.. but I think he loved the fact that this girl who treated him like sh!t for 1 yr and a half...made fun of him..then dumped him through text..suddenly was threatening to kill herself and wanted his babies.. he loved every min of it..if only you could have seen how his attitude changed and his head got so big... it's like he was a different person! So that makes him very immature..and also makes him exactly the opposite of the guy I thought he was..

There ya go, again. You're capable of seeing the real him. So, why do you hope he calls you? You're better off without him and his emotional immaturity.

I think I'm hanging on to the good times because it had been a long time since I felt this way and I thought I'd never find love again after my ex fiancee (whom I was convinced was my soulmate in the past) I'm not sad by choice.. it's like uncontrollable at this point.. I've had a lot of hardship and I think it comes out every time something bad happens to me..

You should seriously work on that falling immediately with the next guy who shows you a little attention. You're finding out way too late that the men you "love" aren't who you think they are. Learn to keep yourself from becoming vulnerable to men who you don't yet know. These little mini-relationships will keep happening to you if you don't step back and take things slower.

The letter thing is a great idea.. I did that with my ex fiancee.. unfortunately there's not that big of a list I can write.. "he kissed his ex behind my back and now there together"... don't know what else I could put on the list of things I hate about him (my ex's list was 3 pages long..lol.. that's because I had 3 yrs worth of stuff on there)

Maybe write a letter to yourself then, promising not to consider someone your 'soul mate' until you actually know who they are ~ quirks and all. ;o)

After you've taken proper inventory here, I hope you're past the need to contact him..

Happy New Year.

[Wakeup]

I don't actually think the "no contact" thing is always a great idea. To me, it feels like you're holding in feelings. I'd say that you should do what makes you feel better, what makes you happy. If telling him goodbye gives you a sense of closure and makes you feel better...maybe you should. I wouldn't feel stupid for it because you just expressed feelings that you've had bottled up inside. Even if you get no response, it doesn't matter as long as it helped you. That's just how I feel.

Hows contacting working for you so far, Jen? Telling someone goodbye yet another time will only make her feel "better" for a short while, it will only be a temporary fix and when that manipulative little adventure doesn't yield the results she hoped it would, she'll be right back to square one in her recovery. It's text book ~ hence why we repeat it so much in these types of situations. Contacting does NO good for either party.

You get closure from within,, when you've accepted that it's over and it wasn't meant to be because if it was, then there wouldn't be a breakup in the first place.

[IndiReloaded]

Someone pls tell me why contacting him is a horrible idea

Its not. Go ahead and get really drunk and text or call him tonight. Pour your heart out to him. It will give him a good laugh. Tomorrow, you'll feel like an ass and wonder why you didn't believe us. Pretty normal stuff. Some people need to feel the fire themselves before they understand about being burned.

[dior01]

I DID IT! I went out.. I had fun.. and most importantly I didn't text my ex

Gotta say I secretly hoped he would have..and it hurt like hell to wake up alone, sad and hung over and check my phone to see nothing..so today will be a challenge as well..but at least I managed to resist the urge! (pat on the back)

Thanks for the support!

[IndiReloaded]

Everytime he doesn't contact you should reinforce your NC as a good decision. Clearly he doesn't want you, so why would you waste your time on him? Screw him.