married and confused:( :(

[isbell76]

Hi all, I am new here and trying to work out some issues and any help would be great.

Here is the situation: I have been married for 10yrs, w/ 2 great kids. My wife has manic depressive/ bipoler which I knew going in. Yet for the past 10yrs she has had nothing but illness and surgerys. Most recently she has been diagnosed w/ fibromyalga. Now I do love her and have never thought about any one else untill a couple of months ago.
This is where it gets confusing: a couple of years ago my wife and I went though a time where she had an emotional affair on me, we did the councleing thing and worked it out. But during that time I reconneted with an old friend that I had a crush on back in school, no big deal untill she stoped by a few months ago (right before my wife was diagnosed). At time my wife could see that I still have feelings for this gal (this was after not seeing her for 17yrs). Now we never dated or anything, we are just realy good friends. Shortly after that this gal had said that she had a crush on me when I did for her.
My wife used to be and was just like this other gal, very active, out going and willing to try. Since all her problems she just wants to give up. I have talked with her about it all she says is "I'll try".
This other gal is in a relationship, but not engaged or married. I have told her my feelings for her, and we still talk, but it is not like it used to be. I think she does not want to ruin my marriage because of her. She even has ask me what is so wrong that I would turn to her. I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying. My wife and I are going to councling in Jan and I plan on going on my own as well.
I just cant get this other gal out of my head or heart and dont want lose her as a friend either. I feel more at ease around her than I do around my own wife. There is alot more just not enough time. any help would be great.

[Saya]

I think that you are feeling this way because your wife isn't unwell...
If you really want to make this marriage work for both of you and your children then you probably have to stop seeing and stop talking to this female friend of yours.
Going to counseling will probably not help you much unless you stop seeing/talking to your female friend.

[IndiReloaded]

Everything in your post says you miss what you had with your wife. Its not about this other gal at all, except she is a reminder of what you think you have lost. Saya is right: focus on counselling and your wife getting well (for better/worse, yes?). Do everything you can to make this happen. If, after all that, things are so bad you still want out, consider divorce. But make sure it will really help your entire family situation improve. Often, it just adds unnecessary drama to already overloaded families.

[bcgirl]

If you want this marriage to work out....stop seeing this other gal. You can't be even friends with her....you have a crush on this gal yet still want to be friends? It's not reality. Reality doesn't work like that. Go to counselling with your wife and try to make your marriage a good and happy one.

[isbell76]

I have tried to make my marriage a good one for 10yrs yet my wife will make coments like " you can leave me for some one better", " I dont know why you are with me since I am always sick". If after 10yrs why has my wife not gotten it? When my wife makes these coments and others like them, it makes me want to give up and not try any more. Also she is not wanting to help herself stay healthy by watching what she eats and setting a good example for our kids. She quit smoking several years ago yet once she found out about the fibro, she has half ass started again and lies to me about it. I do not want to be in marriage couceling for the rest of my life, I did not grow up were my parents had to go to counceling, let alone make it part of the marriage. Am I wrong to think that making it part of the marriage is not normal? Also I am the only one working and she does not want to try and help out but loves to spend, spend, spend and I do not make that much. She will be feeling fine in the am and go visit with a friend for 2-4 hrs but then is to sore to do anything around the house. Like I said there is lots more that has been adding up. Also I do not get to see this other gal, she lives 2hrs away and we only get to chat once and a while. My wife is also friends with this gal.

[MaidenMinx]

You stated that you knew your wife was unwell before you married her, as indi said, for better or worse. How long were you with her before you married her?

Oh, and when your wife puts herself down, that's the depression speaking. You think you feel horrible being married to her, stop and consider how hard it may be BEING her. I'm sure you're not always fun to live with either.

It sounds to me like you have already left this relationship. Do your wife a favour and give her the freedom to find someone who will support her through thick and thin.

Oh, and this other woman, she's not your wifes friend. If she was, you'd have been hung out to dry by now.

[isbell76]

My wife and I were together for like a year and a half then we got pregnet with our first child, yes before we were married. And yes I have supported her through so much, I am just feeling like I cant carry her through it all if she does not want to try to help her self even just a little. I cant always be with her to tell her what she should do like not to smoke and she has to be the one to motivate herself to work on loosing the weight. I can see how hard it is to be her, I have to live with it every day and it sucks every once of energy out of me to help her try to feel just a little better. To watch some one that you care so much about and have been though so much with, go from being a very active person that would fight her illness every day to some one that just does not want to try to fight any more, hurts so much and makes me so sad. When she says that she thinks of suide (but no plan) that scares me cause I have to work and with having firearms at home, what am I going to walk in to from work one day? What if I have to work late and my kids get home before me and were to find her? These are the fears and thoughts that I have to live with every day, and for me yes it is getting old and tireing. ( in reading this please dont think that her weight the only issue or that I only consider that. my wife never was a small since we have been togeather, the weight is just one issue that she complains about. And yes she has put on some from all her meds, yet she has also incressed her food intake with less exercise).

[vashti]

I don't think you should divorce her until your kids are grown, unless you plan to take custody of them, and are sure your wife would allow it. You knowingly put yourself in a position to make babies with someone with multiple mental illnesses, and you can't leave your kids alone with someone like that.

[isbell76]

my kids are my life first and for most!

[Phoenix23]

My parents are in a very similar position as you, actually, so I understand. I've been trying to get on my mom's case for a long time now about needing to eat better, and my stepdad tries to get on her case about exercising.

It's difficult to be motivated to do those things when you're in pain, but if you don't try then you won't stop being in pain.
In my experience what first has to be dealt with is the mental and emotional pain. Once that is under control then the physical pain can be worked through. But even if you feel physically fine, but your mind or heart isn't there, you won't move forward much.

She doesn't need simply marriage counseling, she needs spiritual intervention in order to restore hope into her life, hope that she can have a better future, motivation to take care of herself.
Praying works, but also seek out locally a church that operates in the gifts of the spirit and see if they can either give words of wisdom and knowledge that will help guide you in how to go about resolving this situation, or if they can lay on hands and break some of the severity of this depression that has gripped her.

I can tell you from experience the doctors won't be able to do anything about her mental or physical health at this point. That's going to be all a matter of lifestyle changes and/or spiritual battles.

Get her on a detox diet of primarily fruits and veggies, preferably organic, distilled water (lots of it), and detox aids like apple cider vinegar, zeolite for removing heavy metals, green tea, etc. You can also mix protein and dairy into the diet to your preference, but absolutely no cereal crops or high carb foods like potatoes (You're trying to avoid taking in sugars as much as possible, carbs are basically sugar. This will cause the body to burn your fat for sugar, which will also mobilize a lot of toxins that are stored in your body and get them flushed out). Which over time will deal with the symptoms of fibromyalgia, restore her energy level, rebalance brain chemicals and hormone levels. All kinds of good stuff both mentally and physically.

Of course it won't work unless you can get her motivated to do it, motivated by the hope that it will work.

[bcgirl]

I have tried to make my marriage a good one for 10yrs yet my wife will make coments like " you can leave me for some one better", " I dont know why you are with me since I am always sick". If after 10yrs why has my wife not gotten it? When my wife makes these coments and others like them, it makes me want to give up and not try any more. Also she is not wanting to help herself stay healthy by watching what she eats and setting a good example for our kids. She quit smoking several years ago yet once she found out about the fibro, she has half ass started again and lies to me about it. I do not want to be in marriage couceling for the rest of my life, I did not grow up were my parents had to go to counceling, let alone make it part of the marriage. Am I wrong to think that making it part of the marriage is not normal? Also I am the only one working and she does not want to try and help out but loves to spend, spend, spend and I do not make that much. She will be feeling fine in the am and go visit with a friend for 2-4 hrs but then is to sore to do anything around the house. Like I said there is lots more that has been adding up. Also I do not get to see this other gal, she lives 2hrs away and we only get to chat once and a while. My wife is also friends with this gal.

well both of you have checked out of the relationship....why not get a divorce? You are obviously not happy being married to her, why not end that misery?
Yes marriages are hard work....but they don't need to be torturous. What you've just described says that this marriage has no hope to survive happily.

[isbell76]

well both of you have checked out of the relationship....why not get a divorce? You are obviously not happy being married to her, why not end that misery?
Yes marriages are hard work....but they don't need to be torturous. What you've just described says that this marriage has no hope to survive happily.

I am actual at peace with the idea, yet scared at the same time, I dont want to hurt my kids and am so torn, that is why I am waiting for the counceling for the both of us and for myself.

[isbell76]

I am taking in all that everyone is offering, and thank you! Thank you for giving be a place to express my thoughts and feelings, it all helps in dealing with every thing!

[isbell76]

My parents are in a very similar position as you, actually, so I understand. I've been trying to get on my mom's case for a long time now about needing to eat better, and my stepdad tries to get on her case about exercising.

It's difficult to be motivated to do those things when you're in pain, but if you don't try then you won't stop being in pain.
In my experience what first has to be dealt with is the mental and emotional pain. Once that is under control then the physical pain can be worked through. But even if you feel physically fine, but your mind or heart isn't there, you won't move forward much.

She doesn't need simply marriage counseling, she needs spiritual intervention in order to restore hope into her life, hope that she can have a better future, motivation to take care of herself.
Praying works, but also seek out locally a church that operates in the gifts of the spirit and see if they can either give words of wisdom and knowledge that will help guide you in how to go about resolving this situation, or if they can lay on hands and break some of the severity of this depression that has gripped her.

I can tell you from experience the doctors won't be able to do anything about her mental or physical health at this point. That's going to be all a matter of lifestyle changes and/or spiritual battles.

Get her on a detox diet of primarily fruits and veggies, preferably organic, distilled water (lots of it), and detox aids like apple cider vinegar, zeolite for removing heavy metals, green tea, etc. You can also mix protein and dairy into the diet to your preference, but absolutely no cereal crops or high carb foods like potatoes (You're trying to avoid taking in sugars as much as possible, carbs are basically sugar. This will cause the body to burn your fat for sugar, which will also mobilize a lot of toxins that are stored in your body and get them flushed out). Which over time will deal with the symptoms of fibromyalgia, restore her energy level, rebalance brain chemicals and hormone levels. All kinds of good stuff both mentally and physically.

Of course it won't work unless you can get her motivated to do it, motivated by the hope that it will work.

I have tried for so long, and maybe I am at my last straw, cause I have told her I cant motivate her and she has to motivate her self. she will not eat fresh fruits or vegies, she loves to get into the kids candy. she even has them trained so when the would get a piece of their halloween candy they would ask her if she wanted a peice and of course she said yes! I have made her aware of this fact so now she just gets it herself and hides it from everyone. How is that trying to inprove herself?

[Phoenix23]

It's not a hopeless situation, but you need to get her to realize that too in order for her to be motivated. She seems resigned to living the way she is and letting you leave to find happiness elsewhere.

Since you mentioned you pray, that's why I'm telling you that it is first a spiritual battle.
The mental and emotional part will follow.
Then the physical part will follow.

Sure improving the physical will make the other two easier, but if you try to do that first then you'll find (as you already have) that you can't make any progress because there's a lack of motivation, stemming from a lack of will (mental, emotional), which in turn stems from a lack of hope (spiritual).

Get that in order and seek help through spirit filled individuals. They can not only give you words on what you should do, what strategies to use, but they can also remove internal barriers and kickstart the healing process which will make it easier for her to continue improving on her own.