Should I give it one more shot?

[Stephanie86]

Hi guys!

So, I'm back again. Mental stability are def not the words I'd use to describe 2011
Well, last time I mentioned I (insert vomit) declared my love to this guy I know. Which he replied by giving me a ton of compliments, but not a I feel the same. If it's not a yes, then it's a no. I moved on. Well I tried. We still spoke on occassion, and he kept trying to get my attention when I tried to ignore him. Which I thought was pretty low of him considering I poored my heart out to him.
Now, he knows I'm moving at the end of January. Not far from where I live now, but still I'm gone. My cellphone is now filled with texts that he's really, really going to miss me. Just that, and more than once.

I'm confused yet again. I know he has trust issues, and I know he's not the emotional type. He jokes around a lot, but when it comes to sharing emotions he basically runs away as fast as he can. So, this is totally out of character for him. Which makes me wonder if he's had a change of heart. I know, I'm a gullable, stupid, soft cow. Love does that to me. It makes me sick to even admit that
I just don't know what to do with it. I've tried to move on, but it hasn't worked out that well. Now that he's sending me those texts it just brakes my heart once again. But on the other hand, I'm just wishing (really wishing) this is his way of reaching out somehow. I mean, what's the point in telling someone (who you know is in love with you) you'll really miss her over and over and over again? It's not that he's playing me. He could've had me a long time ago. Even now, if he would just say what the hell he was thinking even once in his life it would make things so much easier. He never does that. It's always vague. On one hand he never really replied when I did the pooring, on the other hand he's not letting me go. It's f*cking me up. I know I should let him go, but could it be that I should give it one last shot?

[Cerby]

No. Read this link and if they apply to you or this guy, then forget it.

[url]http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/[/url]

[Wakeup]

Awesome link, Cerby..

[Stephanie86]

I agree with wakeup, awesome link. But, since I'm a woman there's always a but (we can't help it), I already live by pretty much all those rules. The first one does stick 'If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.'

I accepted the fact (well, I had to live with it anyway) that he didn't want to make room for me. But, it just doesn't make any sense. I was basically perfect about the whole situation. I told him, he didn't really reply, so I let it go. At least as far as he knew or could've known. I acted normal. Like a always did. I didn't hold it against him that he didn't say a thing afterwards, we just carried on the same way we always did. We didn't see eachother that much to begin with, still don't. I would've imagined that you want to create some distance if someone tells you that. Which he did at the beginning. No problem. That's normal.
It just doesn't make sense that he's now trying to fight for his spot by trying to get my attention. And why keep texting that he'll miss me a lot all of a sudden? It's not that he overlooks my worth, relationship wise yes. This just throws me off track, cause he never expresses any emotion what so ever.

Be as bold as you want to be. I just really want to understand what the point of acting like that is, cause I have no clue how to act around him if he's doing things like this.

[smackie9]

Ya that's a keeper.

[smackie9]

You are moving away so why should you care........ new place, new people, new things to do....new life.

[Stephanie86]

You are moving away so why should you care........ new place, new people, new things to do....new life.

Can't help it. Regardless I still care for the guy. It's easy to say you're starting something new, get over it. It would be a whole lot easier if guys would just (even for once) talk. No bullshit, just say what's on their mind. Simple yes/no would be a good start. And regarding the 'Ya that's a keeper', he hasn't had an easy life. He's a good guy. I want to understand, so I know how to react. That's all.

[smackie9]

You see that just caught my attention "he hasn't had an easy life"...you got "I can fix him syndrome" It's a tell tail sign that you feel you can rescue him with your love...He doesn't need any rescuing....stop wasting you time with this idiot.

[Stephanie86]

No, it merely explains that he's always had a wall around him. We we're friends for a long time before all this. I'm not 16, I know I can't fix anyone. It's not that I want to rescue him with my love. It only explains that I've been there as a friend, and seen him struggling with himself. The comment is me being annoyed by someone saying 'that's a keeper'.

[Mona_B]

It is manipulation, what he does. Obviously he doesn't want a relationship with you, because he made this clear, but he likes having you on the hook and he is successful with it. If you let him, you will play this game endlessly because he won't give up on it, it is feeding his ego. This is tough because you care for him and he is giving you mixed messages, but in the end you have to let this go. I would bet, if you go to him now and tell him again that you would like to be with him, he would still say he isn't ready and "wants to be friends".

Actually, you may just want to do that. Call him and ask him straight away why he is texting you all the time and if this means that he wants to be together with you. Instead of guessing because we can't really help you. You probably won't like the answer, but then you know for sure.

Of course he has issues and it doesn't mean he is a bad person. But you can't fix them as long as he doesn't see it.

[Stephanie86]

Too bad I can't see the thanks button anymore. It somehow vanished, but thank you Mona_B! That's what I thought, but what is getting a bit "cloudy" every now and then when he does stuff like this. Especially when I reach the point when I tune him off and am totally done with this crap. That's when he comes back in the picture.
Actually makes sense. If I did go to him and do that, well he wouldn't blurt out he's not ready, he'd leave it vague. If he did say he wasn't interested he'd lose all of the attention he's getting. Thanks for making it "click". I needed that.
Next time he texts I'll put him on the spot and ask him straight forward. Been ignoring that bit, cause I do know what the answer is and always has been. Just sucks to hear it, then again this isn't working for me either.

[Mona_B]

I think it is the best way, because otherwise you keep thinking about it and it won't let you go. People like him have a sixth sense when you are ready to tune them off and then they come back. He needs your attention.

Not that it changes anything, but I think people who do this have big childhood issues. Maybe they learned it from their parents, father abusing mother and she always comes back, no matter what. Or they are very scared to let anyone close enough to see them for what they are because they are insecure. Whatever, that is why they invented therapists, it is not your job. I don't know you, so I can't say it. But I do fall exactly for this type because I have my own issues which completes the whole dance... The only way out is to stop dancing and move on. And to learn to appreciate people who appreciates us and don't give mixed messages about what they want. They are out there :-). So go and ask him straight up, tell him you don't like what he is doing and if he doesn't want anything from you to leave you alone. If you get a vague answer, take it as "I don't want you", this is what it means.

[Stephanie86]

But I do fall exactly for this type because I have my own issues which completes the whole dance...

Same here. I did tell him he needs to back of several times, but it always leads to me turning into bitch mode. If he'd try to get my attention I'd burn him to the ground verbally. Cause I do know that what he's doing is totally unfair to me. Not the part that he doesn't want me as such, but him not letting me be. Giving me some space. Which then leads to me regretting that and trying to take it all back. It's a pathetic vicious circle I know.
It's not that he has childhood issues. It's the second part. Him not wanting anyone to get close. I can relate to that (which makes it that much harder).
How did you handle guys who had the whole pushing/pulling thing down to perfection? Cause I can see how this will go on forever. If I don't talk to him, ignore him, he'll just keep on going. If I don't do that he'll still keep on going. I know I'm the only one who can stop this, but I'm just not really there yet. More like right in the middle of it.

[Mona_B]

I can't really handle it, I am better in giving advice :-). Well, I have been in a situation where I felt the guy was keeping me on the hook and playing me. It was very strange and like you, I was very confused. What I did, I wrote him to leave me alone, that his emails are blocked and what I was really thinking of all this. It was the only way for me to get it out of my system. Everything else would have ended in discussions and nothing would change. I am still chewing on it. But I keep reminding myself that a friendship like this is highly dysfunctional, because a man or even just a friend who likes you will do things to make you feel good and when you think about this person you feel safe and happy. Being stressed out and unhappy means something is not right at all.

[Stephanie86]

Oddly enough this makes me feel a bit better. Not that I'm glad you're still chewing on it (can I ask in what way it's still bothering you) but good to hear this from someone who can relate. Maybe I do need to sit down with him and tell him straight forward what he's been doing. Don't know if he actually realizes it, or that might be me making up yet another excuse for him. It's never going to end if I don't find any closure.