How can I help my friend??

[SecretlySad]

For the past 3 months, my 26 year old friend has been sleeping with a 19 year old man. They were both in agreement that it was just sex.

She noticed over the past few weeks that he hadn’t been contacting her and when she tried calling him she got a message saying his number no longer existed. She sent him a message on Facebook asking if he had changed his number and he replied with “yes. I don’t want to sleep around anymore”.

She is angry, upset and thinks it’s her. She is allowing it to consume her to the point where it is making her feel physically ill. She is stalking him online and making herself even more upset doing so, whenever she sees him communicating with another girl.

I don’t think she understands quite how tough a “FWB” relationship can be if you can’t completely disconnect yourself emotionally.

I don’t know how to help her. I have tried all the clichés… he’s not worth it etc etc but she is still severely depressed.

[Love'sReject]

It might sound immature, and really it isn't advice or altogether relevant for that matter...but DAMN! How did he get into that kind of "relations"-ship?

In high school, my life changed when I saw "The Graduate" for the first time. Like, where do these guys go to get so lucky?

Sorry, just sharing my envy at that.

[SecretlySad]

It might sound immature, and really it isn't advice or altogether relevant for that matter...but DAMN! How did he get into that kind of "relations"-ship?

In high school, my life changed when I saw "The Graduate" for the first time. Like, where do these guys go to get so lucky?

Sorry, just sharing my envy at that.

Haha this guy doesn’t look 19. He’s about 6 foot 5 with one of the most incredible bodies I’ve ever seen.

[Love'sReject]

Haha this guy doesn’t look 19. He’s about 6 foot 5 with one of the most incredible bodies I’ve ever seen.

So I would guess! Holy mackinaw.

Well, being an envious guy and that being pretty rare territory, I couldn't possibly have any idea to even begin thinking of how to advise.

[smackie9]

She is 26 and is bent out of shape over some 19 year old kid? She has some serious low self esteem. If it were me I would try to paint her a picture of how naive she is to be playing around with a 19 year old.....most 19 year old boys are only out for sex...that is all it was, just sex. She must have trouble distinguishing love from sex.

You could just say the guy is a jerk and she deserves better...there there, hug, pat on the back, etc.

[smackie9]

I dated a 19 year old when I was 24 for a very brief time....nothing to write home about that's for sure.

[Love'sReject]

She is 26 and is bent out of shape over some 19 year old kid? She has some serious low self esteem. If it were me I would try to paint her a picture of how naive she is to be playing around with a 19 year old.....most 19 year old boys are only out for sex...that is all it was, just sex. She must have trouble distinguishing love from sex.

You could just say the guy is a jerk and she deserves better...there there, hug, pat on the back, etc.

With that, put in the best way, I think you might have your solution. Of course, I could imagine she'd probably be pretty obstinate but if a good dose of the truth doesn't work, there probably isn't much external help can really do.

[Love'sReject]

I dated a 19 year old when I was 24 for a very brief time....nothing to write home about that's for sure.

At the risk of sounding really shallow, was she hot?

[IndiReloaded]

I don’t know how to help her. I have tried all the clichés… he’s not worth it etc etc but she is still severely depressed.

How about focussing on your own problems instead of trying to use your friends as a distraction from yours?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/62143-Is-this-quot-stonewalling-quot[/url]

This is classic for someone that WU would call "codependent", BTW. Trying to rescue someone else in lieu of addressing your own issues, that is.

[MerryH]

SS, can you see the irony in your asking us about this? Your friend has this problem where there is a clear solution, but she's being a little stubborn and unwilling to change for whatever reason, and she's not taking your sensible advice even though she seemingly comes to you asking what to do, and you really really want to help her because gosh, that's such a bad thing she's putting herself through and if you could just help her understand that and encourage her to make the right decisions, she could really stop being miserable.

That description matches the last thread you posted. You got a little sore at me when I told you I was frustrated with one of your responses, but can you understand the frustration?


Okay, anyway, on to your question. If I had a friend who was in your friend's situation, after doing the comforting "it's okay, he's not worth it" thing, I would be very honest and tell her she had unreasonable expectations from a FWB situation, and that he is completely allowed to decide he didn't want that anymore. He might have gone about it in an immature way (surprise, he's 19 years old) but the fact remains, he's done with it and there's no amount of online stalking that will change that.

And then, after trying your hardest to help her and she still won't listen to reason, resign yourself to the fact that people will not take advice if they do not want it, no matter how sensible and reasonable it is.