Need advice on how to stop thinking about my boyfriend's past/his ex-girlfriend

[BoldAsLove]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year 2 months. He's 21 and I'm 20. He's my first boyfriend, but he's had girlfriends before me... His last relationship lasted 1 year 9 months, but he ended it because he knew he wasn't in love with her & he said there were many things he didn't like about her. He told me that when we met & got to know each other, he fell in love. And he had never been in love with any girl before me. I doubted him at first, but I believe him now because I feel it, he tells me, and I know from his actions.

Everything in our relationship is great, but the thing is, I get SUPER caught up with his past. I'm jealous of his ex-girlfriend and I always think up some reason to believe that he loved her more than he loves me. Also, I'm upset that they've had sex. They had unprotected sex too, and we haven't, and I feel like that makes me one step behind his ex... He says that the first time he had sex with me felt like being a virgin again and sex with me is emotionally and spiritually different from the sex he had before because of the way he feels about me. I'm also upset that my boyfriend's had sex with 4 other girls before me...

My boyfriend tells me all the time how much he loves me and he's told me numerous times that he's honestly never felt so much love and never been in love or so crazy about another girl before me. He tries to tell me that even though he wishes I was his first and it would've been nice if I could've been his first girl, he says sex doesn't really mean anything...

But that still doesn't change the fact that it hurts me so much to think about him being with those other girls...
So now I'm super sensitive when we talk about sex or about birth control because it makes me think about his ex-girlfriend...

How do I just STOP letting the past bother me? I feel like I won't be completely satisfied in my relationship until we've been together longer than he's been with his ex and until we've also had unprotected sex...

Does it matter that my boyfriend had sex in the past? SHOULD it matter? Just because you have sex with someone, does it mean that you have real feelings for that person?

Please help!!

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PS: Although he and his ex work together, they don't talk (unless to say hi, but even then, my BF doesn't say much), they don't hang out, they're basically not even friends anymore. His ex has a new boyfriend but I know she's still bitter. My BF says he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, he says he just wants to put that all behind him and spend all his time thinking about and being with me...

[bcgirl]

The past is the past and you can't change it. You're a jealous person by nature, i am too. The thing is you're 20 yrs old and he is your first bf. Reality is you are most likely not going to end up married to him in the long run. As you get older, people will have more sexual partners. I believe the average number of sexual partners an individual in North America will have in their lifetime is around 8-10 people. So, in other words.... you need to get past the sexual history. It is VERY rare you will come across a twenty something year old virgin, and if you do....the odds that they will have some sort of mental or social problem is very high. By age 30, it will be very rare for you to come across a man who's never had a serious girlfriend...and if you do, the odds that they have some sort of mental or social problem is very high. By age 40, many people are already divorcee's and have kids...so if you are single by then, it's almost absolutely impossible for you to find a 40 yr old virgin.

Does it matter that my boyfriend had sex in the past? SHOULD it matter?

No, it doesn't and shouldn't matter. By age 20, most of the population are non-virgins.

Just because you have sex with someone, does it mean that you have real feelings for that person?

you will most likely experience a one night stand or two in your lifetime. You'll answer your own question then...

[bluesummer]

I agree with above post.

You can't erase what he's done in the past, and he's obviously not with her anymore for a reason. Most people don't spend the rest of their lives pining over exes and it doesn't sound like you have any reason to believe he is. What this boils down to is your own insecurity. You have to be able to tell yourself that he loves you and really feel that, and feel that you are worthy of his affection.

I wish I can say I don't know why you're so hung up about who he's slept with before you, but when I was your age I had the same issues. I cried when my bf told me he'd slept with over 10 girls before me and I'd only slept with one guy. I felt that somehow all the girls in the past made me insignificant, and I got jealous all the time......it really ruined our relationship. That's what's going to happen to you if you don't move past this.

[BoldAsLove]

I agree with above post.

You can't erase what he's done in the past, and he's obviously not with her anymore for a reason. Most people don't spend the rest of their lives pining over exes and it doesn't sound like you have any reason to believe he is. What this boils down to is your own insecurity. You have to be able to tell yourself that he loves you and really feel that, and feel that you are worthy of his affection.

I wish I can say I don't know why you're so hung up about who he's slept with before you, but when I was your age I had the same issues. I cried when my bf told me he'd slept with over 10 girls before me and I'd only slept with one guy. I felt that somehow all the girls in the past made me insignificant, and I got jealous all the time......it really ruined our relationship. That's what's going to happen to you if you don't move past this.

Thanks for the advice

We've been together for over a year and I can't even tell you how many times I've cried and given him a hard time. He's still putting up with me and I guess that really goes to show how much he wants to be with me. I know I'm stretching his limits and I've tried to just let it go... He's told me countless times that if I were any other girl and I was crying and putting him down all the time about his past, he'd have dumped me a long time ago. lol. He said he loves me & can't imagine being without me, so that's why he's still with me even though I can be really immature about the situation... I take him for granted

My main problem is my insecurity of course, and also that I just don't know HOW to stop thinking about it. I'm insecure because I lost my virginity to him and he's my first boyfriend. I've never even KISSED a boy before him. and when he told me he's had 4 other girls I just feel like I'm 10 steps behind him.

My BF says that there isn't even a comparison between me and his ex because he loves me, my personality, my family, everything about me so much. I don't even know why I'm jealous...

I want so much to break up with him sometimes... and purely for selfish reasons. Sometimes I think that if I broke up with him, found another guy, that I wouldn't be jealous of anything anymore, because I would have a past as well.
I think it's "not fair" that my boyfriend's been with other girls and I gave myself up to him. I know I'm selfish and I'm thinking wrong but I just don't know how to stop

[stinkyface10]

hi bold,
thank you for your sincerity. may i ask how things are going lately in relation to what you were speaking about? i ask because i am going through something similar to what you were then. thanks -stinky

[Rinabear]

Gain some confidence within yourself. Be glad that you two are having protected sex. A lot of men will cheat on their girlfriends/wives and come home and have unprotected sex with them. That is just disgusting. When the time is right for the condom to be off... will hopefully be at the right time. If you keep dwelling on his past and bringing it up.. trust me, it's just going to bring you down and also, the relationship. I'm sure you don't want that right now. Remember, all of that was BEFORE you. So, what matters is what he is CURRENTLY doing to you and with you. I am in a similar situation as to where I stayed bringing up his past that I completely abandoned what he is doing to me and with me now... which matters most in our relationship.