Boyfriend will become an illegal alien unless I marry him...

[Vegemite]

OK so we have been dating about 3 months (I know I will have people rolling their eyes already lol, but hear me out)... the relationship has been going pretty well and he seems like a guy I could be with for a while, however he just recently dropped this bombshell of information on me -

He had his previous visa cancelled before I met him for reasons that aren't important to go into here, and is currently on a bridging visa until he has his appeal hearing. Basically the appeal is just a way to buy time - he hasn't got a hope of actually winning it. Based on extensive internet research about current timeframes for appeals, he could have his hearing any time from now up to early 2013... and he is not eligible for any other visa besides the partner visa

Now, I am pretty much one of those "marriage is just an unnecessary peice of paper" people... if I get married for real it will just be a celebration/affirmation of a commitment I already have to someone... so in this case I would be viewing the marriage as just a way that I could help this guy to stay here and so we could continue our relationship... and if we broke up it would just be called a divorce... I have no problem with that...

The concerns I DO have are these -

* While I do believe that our relationship is genuine NOW, the visa would not become permanent for him unless we stayed together for 2 years after we got married, so I am concerned that if the relationship breaks down within that timeframe and if I want to leave I will feel too guilty because it's basically a deportation sentence for him, and if HE didn't think it was working he would either just stick it out for the 2 years and then leave or else just 'make the best of it' more permanently out of a sense of obligation to me (he seems like the sort of guy that would do that)...

* Being married can mean whatever I want it to mean, but we would have to move in together and have joint finances etc for real ... I'm not sure I'm ready for that... what if it's a disaster and we break up soon after moving in together? I mean I *think* he would be OK to live with... he does housework and has a fairly passive personality - I don't think we'd fight over household stuff... also he has more money and earns more than me, so he wouldn't be becoming my dependent or anything... in fact it would almost be the opposite... but who really knows? We could move in together before we married and lodged an application of course, but time is not something we have a lot of...

* I'm not sure what I should do with this information right now - whatever I decide I feel like I need to do it ASAP - time is really ticking... if I'm not going to go through with it I feel like I should end it now because I don't have a future with someone who's an illegal alien and also if he isn't with me maybe he will be able to find someone else who is willing to go through with it... and if I DO go through with it it needs to be ASAP as well because we will need to lodge the application before his appeal... but I feel like I need a couple of months to think it over... should I tell him all this or just wait and see how it goes for a while and hope his appeal date doesn't come up? I don't want to get his hopes up ... he isn't pushing this at all - he hasn't even suggested it, and I don't think he will... he just gave me this information because we are starting to get more serious and he thought I should know what the situation is...



... opinions?

For immediately: Should I just break it off right away? Should I give him this whole speil and see what he wants to do - if he's willing to just wait for me to make a decision? Or should I just wait a while and see if I can come to a decision and THEN tell him? Assuming of course that time doesn't run out...

For in a few months: what do you think? Could I move in with him and go through with it?


Thanks for any help

[oldskool83]

i would never marry sum1 who you dated for 3 months. you dont want to go thru divorce, trust me. its never cut and dry, its never cheap and most people end up being separated for a few years and just....well its a PITA. if he wants to be with you he should take the correct steps to be legal, if not screw it.

they make new guys everyday.

[ladyluck]

I am not sure what country you are from But i am Australian and my boyfriend was from the USA, i saw many lawyers about immigration and its not as easy as just getting married! Visa Fraud goes on so much that they have really cracked down on it. you need to prove the relationship is real (please dont think i am not saying its real, its just immigration will ask why you are getting married after 3 months) then they will look that his Visa is about to expire and put 2 and 2 together.
There is alot of paper work involved and it takes many years.
There are interviews involved with immigration where they ask you so many questions, imagine sitting there and not knowing the answers!

I personally wouldnt do it after 3 months, you dont want to get charged with Visa fraud and lose all rights to travel abroad

[vashti]

If you end up marrying him, I suggest you look at the arrangement as PURELY business, and not romantic. After only three months, the only reason he would marry you is because of his legal status - NOT for love.

I actually know 2 men who married an American woman to gain legal status. One married a girl he knew for a week, and they stayed married for 5 years. He says it was the most generous act anyone ever did for him.

The other guy married a woman who charged him the price of a new car. (It was a business arrangement, after all, and she was giving him something very valuable.) They are still married, but only in name. He lives separately from her.

[John Littlejohn]

if he wants to be with you he should take the correct steps to be legal, if not screw it.

I don't know about Australia, but in America, where you and I are from, there are no "[URL="http://reason.com/assets/db/07cf533ddb1d06350cf1ddb5942ef5ad.jpg"]correct steps to be legal[/URL]." Unless you are a relative of a citizen or have an employer sponsorship which generally requires both a willing employer and a career specialization that no US citizen is likely to have, then the only "correct step" is to apply for the green card lottery, which you have about as much chance of winning as the real lottery.

It's probably different in Australia. I don't know.

If you end up marrying him, I suggest you look at the arrangement as PURELY business, and not romantic. After only three months, the only reason he would marry you is because of his legal status - NOT for love.

Of course. But then, love-marriage is a pretty newfangled concept that was underground at best and taboo at worst from the dawn of history up to the Enlightenment. As late as the 1960s, students surveyed regularly reported that they would marry someone they didn't love if they nonetheless met their economic criteria. Marriage for economic benefit has a long and robust history. Just sayin'.

[bcgirl]

How do you know he is not just using you as a means to get married and stay in the country? Marrying someone isn't as easy as signing some papers and then getting a divorce afterwards. Marriage means... living together, joint assets, (you don't need to be sharing your bank accounts together), you'll be paying higher taxes depending on where you live, you'll always want your first marriage to actually mean something...leave the illegal alien marriage for your 2nd or 3rd marriage. Also, if you don't mind marrying an illegal alien..there are tons out there willing to pay tons of money for the chance to live in your country.

[devonbrown]

In my opinion, marriage is more than just a piece of paper. But, even if you see it as that, there are other factors that come into play. A lot of which you pointed out yourself and the follow-up comments pointed out some more. All of those things yell "RED FLAG." Even if you do not believe in some sort of sanctity of marriage, you still are putting yourself in a very difficult situation which encompasses some huge risks for you. Personally, I would not do it.
Good luck.

[Vegemite]

Thanks for the replies so far guys.. a couple of points to re-iterate/clarify:

* I'm under no impression that he'd be making a real commitment to me by marrying me... in fact I wouldn't be making a real commtment to him except to help him through the visa process. I would be viewing the marriage as a hoop that needs to be jumped through in order for us to continue our relationship, nothing more.

* I am not an airheaded ditzy 18 year old who's fallen head over heels in love and can't see when her boyfriend is a douchebag who's taking her for a ride. I have relationship experience. I have dysfunctional relationship experience. I am 99.99% certain the relationship is genuine on his part. In the 3 months we've been together I have met and we have hung out with many of his friends (several of whom are australian born citizens he has met while here), I have spoken to his mother on the phone... etc...

* I have nothing to lose economically - I have zero assets and earn way less than he does. In fact I stand to gain a fair bit. That's not why I'm considering this at all, I'm just saying - there's no worry for me about money in this.

* I am not about to marry him tomorrow. I will be with him at least a couple more months before I make any decisions

* What do people think I should do NOW -

1. tell him all of my concerns and that I MIGHT do this but that I'm really not sure yet, that I'll need some time to think and we'll just have to hope the appeal date doesn't come up yet and see what he has to say, or
2. say nothing to him until I have made a decision so as not to get his hopes up, or
3. End it now



ladyluck - I know it's not as simple as just getting married, and that is definitely another factor on my mind... I've asked a whole bunch of questions on another forum dedicated to that sort of thing about the technicalities/details of what we'd have to do.... Was more just looking for ethical advice on this one... but on the subject, is it considered visa fraud if the relationship and living arrangements/finances etc are real? Yes we would only be marrying because of the visa issue, but the de facto living arrangement would be real... is there any requirement that the marriage itself be looked upon as a making a huge commitment and not just a formality? And how could they know that anyway if the rest of it was genuine?

[bcgirl]

You should really look into this. My girlfriend is an illegal alien ....she is only here on a work visa, once it expires she needs to go back to her country. The thing is, she met a guy here. The guy loved her enough to marry her....they are getting married in a few months. The thing is, once he is her sponsor and husband....he has to take care of her....meaning, if she is unable to provide for herself (moneywise), he has to provide for her 3-5 years even after they divorce. Can't describe very well...read this article, perhaps it will help. Be VERY careful when making these decisions, you will probably end up screwing yourself over one way or another.

[url]http://www.articlesbase.com/immigration-articles/affidavit-of-support-2530768.html[/url]

[Vegemite]

I'm from Australia, not the US. We have something similar here but only in circumstances where the prospective partner is likely to need a lot of help from the government agencies upon gaining the visa. Since he earns pretty good money this won't be required from me.

[bcgirl]

^ I'm from Canada....and the same thing applies in my country. Australia is probably no different. My girlfriend is mainly marrying this guy to live in Canada, not so much for love....he has no clue about it ofcourse, and plus he is a douche who kinda deserves to get used in this way. My girlfriend makes a decent living on her own, but likes the fact that she has a "security blanket" just in case....

[Vegemite]

I don't have to sign as AoS here, I am sure - I've looked into it.

[HeartIsAching]

His immigrations status is not your responsibility, and you don't need to fix it for him. Frankly, I think it's highly likely he deliberately didn't tell you until he thought he could manipulate you into doing something for him. Even if he didn't, he kept this information from you... you really want to be legally bound to someone like that?

BTW - I am also one of those "piece of paper" people. My wife was my wife in name before we formalized it. The commitment we made to each other is what made/makes our marriage, not the permission of the state. Personally I resent the State's interference.

[bluesummer]

I did this, as much as I hate to admit it. My first husband and I got married because he was on a student Visa in Canada and it ran out and they weren't going to renew it. He had to leave the country in six months. We had been together a year and a half at that point (so it really was a relationship), we had already started talking about marriage a few years down the road. Then this came up and I thought I'd better just legally marry him to make sure we could stay together and get married 'for real' down the road. I was about 23 at the time. We married and no one knew except his family and friends, and two of my friends.

A week after we got married he told me he was interested in someone else. Seriously. It's a long story that played out over another 3 or 4 years, but I left him in the end and had to live with the burden of knowing I was still legally responsible for him while he was in Canada until he'd become a citizen. That meant if he went on social assistance Id have to repay the government for what they paid him.....I had to resort to threatening him not to do it when he got laid off from work, it would've killed me financially. He didn't become a citizen until 2007, just before I met my now-husband. I couldn't divorce him before he became a citizen or I risked having immigration look into things. It was awful and stressful, I went through so much crap and I had a much more solid basis for a relationship than you do now.

In hindsight, I should've had his ass sent home. Don't do it. It's not worth the stress even if he pays you. You'll always be worried about immigration doing some type of an 'audit' into the circumstances. You wouldn't believe the shit I had to do to prove our relationship and marriage were' legitimate'. Six years of my life wasted.

[vashti]

Of course. But then, love-marriage is a pretty newfangled concept that was underground at best and taboo at worst from the dawn of history up to the Enlightenment. As late as the 1960s, students surveyed regularly reported that they would marry someone they didn't love if they nonetheless met their economic criteria. Marriage for economic benefit has a long and robust history. Just sayin'.

... relevance?

Vegemite - I think you should carefully consider how having a marriage and divorce for this reason under your belt might affect a future love-marriage potential mate's interest in marrying you. Some people might not care, but I'm not sure that is a universal way of thinking.