overwhelmed by interest

[manychoices]

I get a lot of interest from guys even though I don’t dress provocatively. I have always had a strong hunger to be heard and to be appreciated for my unique and innovative ideas.

The typical scenario that happens is, a guy approaches me, but for whatever reason he is enamored to the point that he can’t seem to hear and process what I say, which I find to be a huge turn-off. I also find that almost immediately, a lot of guys do not want to, or ignore/ don’t hear my boundaries. I might say something like, “I don’t like texting”, but they continue to text, or I might say, “I have a hard time keeping in touch when it’s not about planning an event or something specific” and they keep calling with nothing to say.

I am definitely an intellectual, and require a lot of uninterrupted time to process my thoughts and observations, but typically guys think it’s appropriate to interrupt me at the grocery store, or wherever, when I am deeply in thought. When annoyance is the first impulse, and then they proceed to ignore what I say, it’s not a recipe for success. So when 98% of my interaction with “suitors” is negative, it doesn’t endear me to the concept of being in a relationship.

Sometimes, it will be the third guy who approached me *that day* to start a conversation, and then attempt to ask me for my number. I am okay with talking to strangers, but it certainly takes a chunk out of the day. And then they want to start a relationship of some sort, initially a friendship.

If I get approached in this manner a couple of times a week, over the course of a year that’s about 150 guys who want to be my “friend”. It’s just not possible. It’s so overwhelming to me that I tend to just say no all the time. And I don’t like making people unhappy, and then I feel bad, and sometimes the guy gets offended, how can you say no to me? But he doesn’t realize he is the third guy that week, or sometimes that day, and this is impossible for me to maintain.

People don’t have a lot of sympathy for my situation, either. They’re like, poor you, you have so many people asking you out, what a whiny baby.

However, what if you were frequently interrupted by strangers who felt entitled to your time, pushed your boundaries, didn’t listen to what you said, and wanted, after that, about three hours a week and multiple phone calls, texts, or emails? On occasion I have attempted these “friendships”, but it always ends poorly, with the guy wanting more.

I am blond and thin and often get cat-called, as well. I dress conservatively but this does not seem to help. Feeling like pursued prey on a day-to-day basis just makes me want to be left alone, and does not inspire me to pursue relationships or sign up for a dating site.

I get approached so much, I have considered wearing a fake wedding ring.

Does anyone have any kind or socially acceptable "blow-offs", a way to say, you are a nice person but we are not, ever going to be friends or lovers? Because I don't have time to follow up with random strangers, or to have them follow up with me?

Please do not make fun of me or say I am spoiled or full of myself. This is a real problem and I don't know how to handle it. I dread going to the grocery store sometimes. I don't think of myself as "hot", and usually do not even wear make-up.

At some point I would obviously like a great romantic relationship, but feeling like strangers and acquaintances are constantly wanting more than I am willing or able to give just puts a bad taste in my mouth and makes me avoid the process of getting to know people.

[wolfie91]

It seems to me like you're patronizing these men for no discernible reason except for the fact that they have approached you.

but for whatever reason he is enamored to the point that he can’t seem to hear and process what I say, which I find to be a huge turn-off.

If you prefer to meet men in a solely intellectual setting, you should learn to rebuff these people quickly and thoroughly. Someone who approaches you outside of a sphere where you are comfortable (or actively seeking male companionship) should receive no mixed messages from you if you don't want to drag it out with someone that you were not interested in to begin with. Don't give him your number if your snap judgement has determined that he's not worth your time.

“I have a hard time keeping in touch when it’s not about planning an event or something specific” and they keep calling with nothing to say.

Generally, people don't plan out their every conversation, especially on the telephone. The extension of this gesture (the phone call) is just their way of maintaining your interest (assuming that you are interested). The way that you've phrased it here makes it sound like you expect every moment to be filled with stimulating conversation, and that simply isn't rational--especially when you hardly know someone.

but typically guys think it’s appropriate to interrupt me at the grocery store, or wherever, when I am deeply in thought.

Do you do a lot of deep thinking at home? Typically that sort of thing is better left to the time when you can devote your whole being to it. I don't go to the gas station to work Calculus problems, because I'm not going to be able to focus. I realize that you are extremely protective of your space, which I can sympathize with, but the fact that you deem it as "inappropriate" for someone to speak to you at the grocery store seems pretentious to me. Like it is inconsiderate of them to bother you. Think about it from an individual's perspective. He sees an attractive, self-possessed woman in the grocery store. The odds of him encountering this woman again are low. So he approaches you. He has no way of knowing that this will upset you, and when you give him your number even though you (internally) livid with him, he thinks he has a chance. He continues to inadvertently cross lines that you have failed to clarify (calling even when you have trouble staying in touch, which for most people means, "you need to do some of the legwork here").

I do think that you need to try and feel less threatened by it. For most of these guys, asking you for your number is probably a little intimidating. They are worth the 5 minutes it would take out of your busy day to politely rebuke them.

I don't have time to follow up with random strangers

This confuses me a little. Doesn't everybody start off as a random stranger?

If you really want to get rid of them, get a beer belly and get started on that mustache.

[Superfantastich]

Perhaps join something which will have you associating with people that are interested in the same things as you are

[Boisdevie]

If you didn't give all those losers your email address and phone number then you would get a lot less of those annoying emails and phone calls wouldn't you? For an intellectual you seem remarkably stupid.

[bulrush]

Men approach women because the vast majority of women do not approach men. Nothing you can change, so you just have to deal with it.

As far as saying "no", try: "I just don't have time to be friends or more right now." Then push your cart along. If they persist, repeat yourself, more firmly the second time. If they still persist, ask "Will I have to call security?" There is really no way not to sound bitchy with this one.

1. Or simply go shopping with a very large, muscled guy friend. Have him play the part of your boyfriend.
2. Or simply say you have herpes.
3. Or the clap.
4. Or you are chick with a dick and you are saving for "bottom surgery".
5. Or you have leprosy and it's currently under control of powerful medication.
6. Or twitch your head and mumble "...the voices...he said they would stop..."
7. Or say you are a lesbian. And your girlfriend is a body builder with a black belt in jujitsu and is very jealous.
8. Maybe say you are a domme, and you like to inflict pain on men. And draw blood.

[Wakeup]

OP: I think it's woman like you that prompted David DiAngelo and Mistry to write books about Negging and how to handle rejection.

As Bois says... they can't bother you with their attention if you don't give them your phone number. You don't owe these men a thing. Just don't respond and they'll leave you alone but first you have to not worry that they won't like you if you do unlikeable things.

[vashti]

Telling a stranger you are already involved in a relationship is the easiest way to get rid of them. I'm surprised you haven't figured that one out yet.

In any case, I think you should try to relax and enjoy the attention a bit. Believe me, it won't last forever.

[Wakeup]

Telling a stranger you are already involved in a relationship is the easiest way to get rid of them. I'm surprised you haven't figured that one out yet.

Particularily since she's had so many opportunities to figure it out. O.o

At some point I would obviously like a great romantic relationship, but feeling like strangers and acquaintances are constantly wanting more than I am willing or able to give just puts a bad taste in my mouth and makes me avoid the process of getting to know people.

? Have you considered talking to a psychologist about your inability to say "Thank you, I'm flattered and appreciate your confidence, but I'm currently in a relationship?" Trust us you're not the only one in the world who has turned down a guy or two in the meat section of their local grocery market... God bless everyone of them for their confidence and bravery. Very attractive that.

[alwaystryin]

Either don't stop for every joe schmoe that approaches you, wear a bag over your head or leave your house a lot less often. You may want to consider the fact that your consideration of people as 'interruptions' is not exactly a healthy social attitude. But don't you worry, as vashti said.. it won't last forever.

[Mona_B]

Yep, wait until you are 30 years older and you will be happy if it happens, LOL.

Sorry, sounds pretentious to me and kind of arrogant. You don't know these people and what is wrong when they approach you. They can't know from the outside that you are such an intellectual who happens to be in deep thinking while standing in front of the milk and does not want to be bothered by someone so inferior. At least forgive them for their ignorance, not everyone is on such a high level as you to understand ;-).

It is not that this happens to me a lot, but if a stranger approaches me and I don't want this, I simply say no. That simple.

[Leona77]

Troll...don't you think?

[angelsnairwaves]

lmao bulrush! Funny you mention those things because I have told guys that I am a lesbian before. Or that I'm hairy. Dead serious. Works like a charm.

[JadenMia]

I agree, i am so confused why she hasnt used, 'sorry i have a boyfriend'. Its the easiest way to ward off an unwanted man. lol

[IndiReloaded]

Troll...don't you think?

Yes, of course.