My ex

[majackson1988]

My ex and I went to the same high school, but we didn’t know each other at all. I met her my sophomore year of college, and we proceeded to date for two years. We were crazy for each other, and I understand that those feelings are temporary. During October 2010, she broke up with me. It was a combination of letting myself go, being a little controlling, and her turning 21 with her single roommates, and long distance (We lived about 2.5 hours apart when we were at school, but only 5 minutes apart at home) But it came down to her just wanting to be single, not to date anyone else seriously, just to see what was out there I guess. The thing is our chemistry was so good, and she even told me last time we spoke that she felt she wouldn’t find someone she would be more comfortable around. I took her for granted and I should have done better. However, we handled the break up horribly, especially by her. We hung out during thanksgiving and Christmas every day, but it turned back to sh*t when she went to school. She left me on a hook for 5 months and I didn’t know how to get off of it, as I wasn’t strong enough. This was a very rough break up for me. Finally, in March I had had enough of her leading me on and off, so I broke it off finally since she didn’t want to commit to me. While I am not mad anymore, I sure as hell am not ready to forgive her. We have had no contact since March 2011 until this past thanksgiving (2011). I ran into her briefly at a bar and just said I had to leave, and said bye after a few exchanges of words. Later that night not long after I left, I received a text from her that said “it was good to see you, I wish we could have talked a little longer”. I have said nothing back and still haven’t, and do not plan on it. I have lost 15 pounds since I last saw her, and 30 since last October (doing P90x, I actually have a six pack now, and I feel very confident with myself, something I lacked while we were together) anyways, heres my questions. Why would she send that text, as she knows a friendly message at this point is useless? What was she hoping to gain? Could she still have feelings for me? I am just starting to stand on my own two feet again, and I do not want a relapse. I am 23 and old enough to understand that there is no such thing as “the one”. But I find myself still wishing we were together, because she is simply the best friend I have ever had. Since the break up, I have done a complete overhaul on the person I am, and we have so much more in common now. I am not sure if she is done with this single phase, but there is too much risk in calling her or texting her, and blowing it for good. For those that say simply move on, I am doing a great job of that, and ultimately if my ex and I do not work out I will be fine, but I have to find out how she feels about things. We both graduate from college in the spring, and there is a good chance we will run into each other at home again over winter break coming up in a few weeks. We don’t really run in the same circles, but many of our not so close friends are mutual. I need some advice in the best approach I can take in this situation, as well as you thoughts on the text she sent me (she had been drinking some). I want to make her wish she had never broken up with me, something she said she knew she would feel someday.

I can also clarify anything I haven’t already covered. I appreciate your advice!

[MerryH]

It's difficult to give you advice when you don't even know what you really want with her. First step is for you to figure that out, I guess.

As far as what that text really meant, it doesn't matter. Maybe she misses you, maybe she was just drunk, maybe she wants to be able to be civil with you and let you know that you don't have you run away when you see her in public. Who cares? You don't forgive her and you've decided not to respond, so don't put any more thought into the text.

[majackson1988]

I guess what I really want is to get back together. I do not know if that is possible, we did some serious damage to our relationship towards the end. However, enough time has passed that I don't really care about what happened. The text aside, I have no idea if she is over this "single phase" she was in. I know what I want, I am just not going to be devastated if she inst interested. Where do I go from here? Try to run into her over break in a few weeks?

[workingman78]

Have to ask yourself a simple question "Has the thing that broke you guys up the first time changed or been resolved?" If not then don't bother, it isn't worth your time, and you have been down that road already.

[majackson1988]

That's just it. The only thing that came between us was curiosity and distance, and how could I possibly know if she is over her own curiosity? Distance is hard and ultimate it killed our relationship, but not until spring are we both done with school.

[MerryH]

Where do I go from here? Try to run into her over break in a few weeks?

Sure. That seems like a good start. Don't be stalkerish, obviously, but if you run into her, be friendly, make her laugh, try to connect. If she's receptive, ask her if she wants to see you one-on-one, like at a restaurant or something. See where it goes. She'll probably make it obvious if she's still in this "single phase."

[Dune]

Wow.. Your situation sounds so close to what I'm going through.. The coincidence is almost uncanny.

[majackson1988]

Wow.. Your situation sounds so close to what I'm going through.. The coincidence is almost uncanny.

I feel like a lot of people my age go through similar things, its part of being young I think. It's sad that things have to work out like they do, but I would not have made so many positive changes for my health and social well being had it not been for the break up. I know it helps to talk things out so if you ever want to chat, I would be interested in hearing about your similar situation!

[majackson1988]

Sure. That seems like a good start. Don't be stalkerish, obviously, but if you run into her, be friendly, make her laugh, try to connect. If she's receptive, ask her if she wants to see you one-on-one, like at a restaurant or something. See where it goes. She'll probably make it obvious if she's still in this "single phase."

I guess thats what I will try to do. There is however a chance I will not run into her, and I was wondering if a call to get coffee randomly would be a good or a bad idea. I'd let her know I couldnt stay that long once we were there to keep it short and sweet, which should according to many online articles only help my cause.

[Dune]

I feel like a lot of people my age go through similar things, its part of being young I think. It's sad that things have to work out like they do, but I would not have made so many positive changes for my health and social well being had it not been for the break up. I know it helps to talk things out so if you ever want to chat, I would be interested in hearing about your similar situation!

Indeed a lot of people our age went through the same thing! One of my close friend too had the misfortune of going through a crappy situation like this.

Like your ex, my ex pretty much went through the same thing (turning 21, moved in with a group of single roommates, LDR). Also, she wanted to string me along (told me we're bf/gf only by status and not in actual fact, dated/flirted around, went clubbing+made out with some other dude, said she loves me but is not IN love with me) I can go on and on but you get the idea. It's really mixed up on her end, and I think she's just playing games, so I decided to do some damage control.. Her making out with some other guy was the last straw for me, so I ended it and then she blames me for it.. Wth? She didn't wanna commit AND she didn't want to get her hands dirty by ending the relationship.. Just made things ugly enough that I would leave, and THEN decides to lasso me back when I go, but not wanting to commit to me.

Like you, I also did a complete overhaul of myself (six packs included), and I understand how you're feeling. My ex will be returning in the summer (Australia is in the Southern hemisphere, therefore, winter for America) and I have an inkling that we would bump into each other via some mutual friends..

Anyways, I just wanted to mention that I do feel like how you do, and even after one year, I admit that that feeling is hard to kill. I think a lot of those feelings come from the fact that you've treated your partner well, and have played your part well as a partner. I feel that a large part of the resentment comes from how "unfair" the breakup is.. After all the effort that was put in, it feels as if we surely deserve more than this. Somehow, I feel that I'm stuck because I never got to express my side as she never gave me the opportunity to. But I keep trying to be the bigger person and do my best to forgive myself and her.

If I may, the part where you're stuck is where you still seek her validation. Your brain says "Hey, I'm a better person now, she should want me back now that I'm better. If she could only see.. etc etc."

[majackson1988]

Indeed a lot of people our age went through the same thing! One of my close friend too had the misfortune of going through a crappy situation like this.

Like your ex, my ex pretty much went through the same thing (turning 21, moved in with a group of single roommates, LDR). Also, she wanted to string me along (told me we're bf/gf only by status and not in actual fact, dated/flirted around, went clubbing+made out with some other dude, said she loves me but is not IN love with me) I can go on and on but you get the idea. It's really mixed up on her end, and I think she's just playing games, so I decided to do some damage control.. Her making out with some other guy was the last straw for me, so I ended it and then she blames me for it.. Wth? She didn't wanna commit AND she didn't want to get her hands dirty by ending the relationship.. Just made things ugly enough that I would leave, and THEN decides to lasso me back when I go, but not wanting to commit to me.

Like you, I also did a complete overhaul of myself (six packs included), and I understand how you're feeling. My ex will be returning in the summer (Australia is in the Southern hemisphere, therefore, winter for America) and I have an inkling that we would bump into each other via some mutual friends..

Anyways, I just wanted to mention that I do feel like how you do, and even after one year, I admit that that feeling is hard to kill. I think a lot of those feelings come from the fact that you've treated your partner well, and have played your part well as a partner. I feel that a large part of the resentment comes from how "unfair" the breakup is.. After all the effort that was put in, it feels as if we surely deserve more than this. Somehow, I feel that I'm stuck because I never got to express my side as she never gave me the opportunity to. But I keep trying to be the bigger person and do my best to forgive myself and her.

If I may, the part where you're stuck is where you still seek her validation. Your brain says "Hey, I'm a better person now, she should want me back now that I'm better. If she could only see.. etc etc."

Sounds very similar. She made out with some guy at a bar, I was willing to look the other way after I expressing my anger. She told me she loved me, but wasn't in love with me. Then we took some more time a part, but had made plans to see each other once more, and she totally forgot. I cut it off then as hard as it was to do which I did in person. Then we hadn't spoken till a week ago from tonight. Even more similar, she actually studied abroad in Australia from June 2011- August 2011. But youre right I do seek that validation, and while its not essential to my life, I do not know where to go from here, I am lost.

Side note, I know she hasn't been seeing anyone since we broke up on any sort of a regular basis. She has always been the girl to go from relationship to relationship, but I liked the fact that she meant she wanted to be single. I just have this feeling that even if she does date around, no one will compare to what I gave her.

[bcgirl]

she is still young and it is completely normal to want to explore the opposite sex and party and do things that college kids want to do. It's best to get it out of your system so you'll have no regrets before settling down with kids....then having a midlife crisis because you never gotten the chance to be single and do all the crazy and wild stuff college kids are supposed to do. Perhaps the reason why she is texting you is because she'd had lots of time apart from you and time to party and explore without you and have not found a decent guy yet besides you. My advice is to let her go and allow her the freedom to do what she pleases and screw all the guys she wants. When you two get a bit older and fate happens to let you two cross paths, who knows what can happen again. As for you....go out and meet other girls. You may realize there are tons of compatible matches for you out there

[Dune]

she is still young and it is completely normal to want to explore the opposite sex and party and do things that college kids want to do. It's best to get it out of your system so you'll have no regrets before settling down with kids....then having a midlife crisis because you never gotten the chance to be single and do all the crazy and wild stuff college kids are supposed to do. Perhaps the reason why she is texting you is because she'd had lots of time apart from you and time to party and explore without you and have not found a decent guy yet besides you. My advice is to let her go and allow her the freedom to do what she pleases and screw all the guys she wants. When you two get a bit older and fate happens to let you two cross paths, who knows what can happen again. As for you....go out and meet other girls. You may realize there are tons of compatible matches for you out there

I understand.. Took me awhile to get it into my head. What I don't respect was the way she went about it. I'm pretty reasonable, and if she'd explained things to me, it would've hurt a lot less for me, and after so long together and from all the ways that I've loved her, I figured she owed me at least that. Some respect and decency to end things with some consideration for my feelings. Not some 180 flip, gtfo my life I wanna be single and you can shove your love back up your ass bullshit. Such a coward she is, not being able to own up the slightest bit.

[majackson1988]

Ok, well then this begs the question. Do I wait to run into and ask her to coffee ect. to catch up (was 9 months long enough), do I call if i do not run into her to ask her out to something, or do I wait and just keep pursuing my own interests and goals? (I know that unavailability is sometimes the best choice here)

[Dune]

You decide.. Do you want her back or not? Be honest with yourself. However, do consider other factors and don't just blindly follow your heart.