Being Emotional VS Being Needy

[BFTrick]

I've been really open with my current girlfriend, more open than I usually am with girls. I have no problem telling gfs about my life, aspirations, working through problems, etc. But the thing I have a hard time with is telling significant others how much they mean to me and how much I really miss them. Previous experience tells me that the more detached I am the more they will like me. It feels like I took the message from [URL="http://www.amazon.com/Game-Penetrating-Secret-Society-Artists/dp/0060554738"]The Game[/URL] and applied it to my life which is bullshit.

Recently I've been telling the gf that I do miss her and that I wish we could have found a way to see each other over the holiday. It seems to be working out ok but I'm wondering at what point I just start sounding needy. I feel uncomfortable telling her this but I think it is probably the right thing to do. It is just scary as a guy.

Thoughts on sounding needy versus being emotional and honest?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell her how you feel, but don't try to guilt her into changing her plans to see you and things like that.

[devonbrown]

It has nothing to do with being a guy. It has to do with the societal roles and the fact that you have internalized them. You need to embrace the fact that you have these feelings and that you are not weird for sharing them.

The key to avoid sounding needy is to understand the need for communication. It becomes needy when you stop listening to what she wants as well. If you share your feelings and you listen to her feelings, there shouldn't be much trouble.

Good luck.

[oldskool83]

tell her what you miss or enjoy about her. if you cant tell her to her face or by phone why dont you write it down explaining when your away this is how i feel. mail it to her while you are away. that will not come off as needy.

[bulrush]

You will sound needy if you demand or imply she has to change her plans to suit your whims. Try not to do that. Or you will sound needy if you can't live without her and must be with her every waking minute of every day ZOMG!

Just relax, and tell her what's in your heart. Talking about your emotions is fine. But if you shed tears EVERY time you see a puppy, you might have a problem.

"A real man can show emotions, and still be man."

[DailyGrinder]

This thread has been helpful to me as well. I often thought of sharing feelings as a bit of weakness. I kept myself very guarded, mainly because I felt that to let my guard down would mean that I would feel extremely vulnerable. I like the advice that says: "Just relax, and tell her what's in your heart."

[bulrush]

Sharing emotions during high school will get you beat up, that's why guys don't do it. As one gets older, it is more socially acceptable to show emotions, and cry, in front of select people.

[DailyGrinder]

That's a good point. It takes time to unlearn that behavior. For me often times I would tune out any of my feelings out of fear of losing self control, as well as losing sight of the rest of my life. Rather than deal with emotions, I would bury them so I could keep focused on, work, school, etc.

[BFTrick]

All of the responses here were very helpful. Thanks a bunch.

I talked to the gf yesterday and I told her I missed her and that in a perfect world I would have liked to make different plans. She seemed happy to know that I care about her. I'll keep going down this road but it is still pretty unfamiliar.

[oldskool83]

a simple truth can get ya pretty fare, and you wont loose your gaurd, but at the same time dont hold it forever, let it down slowly for her.

[alwaystryin]

I find this topic very interesting. I know that not all men are unable or unwilling to share their feelings. I understand that men are often expected to be or act a certain way, so it's not always easy to express feelings. I'm curious though, have you (men) ever lost a relationship because you couldn't/ didn't express your feelings? And what's up with guys that will drag a relationship through the mud or go as far as to hurt their partners feelings, or do things like cheat or slowly withdraw, when after all is said and done it would have saved both parties a lot of time, energy and bullsh*t to have just been upfront with your feelings in the first place?

[DailyGrinder]

I suppose that my distance contributed to the end of my relationship. I just had so much going on all at once and had to deal with problems from her. I worked two jobs and go to grad school. At times things would start to build and I would have to choose between the distractions she was creating, and my own things. Even though I always knew that spending time together often fixed things, I often simply went and did my things to make sure I wasn't neglecting them. I was only waiting because I knew I like her, and she knew she had some issues she had to deal with. Maybe it won't make sense to many of you, but I was giving her that chance to work on herself. Thus, I wasn't ready to break it off just yet. Now a lot of things have changed for both of us. So I suppose that's where we are at the moment.

[alwaystryin]

I just had so much going on all at once and had to deal with problems from her. I worked two jobs and go to grad school. At times things would start to build and I would have to choose between the distractions she was creating, and my own things. Even though I always knew that spending time together often fixed things, I often simply went and did my things to make sure I wasn't neglecting them. I was only waiting because I knew I like her, and she knew she had some issues she had to deal with. Maybe it won't make sense to many of you, but I was giving her that chance to work on herself.

^^ Did you say these things to her? I think it's perfectly respectable to be on top of and not neglect your own personal responsibilities.

You know.. I think that when you're in a relationship with someone, it's not good to make decisions based upon what you think 'most girls' or 'most guys' would say, think, do, etc... I feel like that's the time when you should consider your partner as an individual. Don't forget that when you're in a relationship you should be working together. Granted, truth can hurt and it can lead to arguments. But when you're not open about what's going on inside of you then your partner doesn't have a full deck to work with. 'Well, why didn't you just say that?!' is all too common after the fact. People aren't mind readers. There will always be challenges and overcoming them together is what builds strong relationships. Communication is critical. I'm not saying people need to be all Dr. Phil about everything and I know it's not easy for guys to just spit things out, but it certainly makes it easier to make decisions and accept changes when you have all the information to work with.

You already told her how you feel. Now she knows. There's no reason to harp on it or repeat yourself. I know I always appreciated it when my bf would express his mushy feelings and I know it wasn't easy. And it was a rare occurrence. But I was happy to hear it and it mattered a lot that he was willing to step out of his comfort zone because I knew it was important to him for me to be aware of certain things. Hopefully it does to her too. It hardly makes you less of a man. I think it makes you more of one because you're standing up and taking care of business.

[2snobal]

Sharing emotions during high school will get you beat up, that's why guys don't do it. As one gets older, it is more socially acceptable to show emotions, and cry, in front of select people.

This is the main reason why many relationships in high school don't work out. I don't see too many people that are willing to cry in front of their girlfriend and explain how they feel, for fear of humiliation. Holding things back from your partner won't help you, it'll just hurt it. Communication is key.