Intro and advice greatly appreciated

[amc204]

Hi everyone, my name's Alex and am looking forward to communicating with you in the near future. I suppose what bought me to these board was the scenario I'll explain below.
I went out earlier today with a girl I met at a birthday party of someone I know a few weeks ago. Firstly I was amazed that she agreed to go out with me as I'm not very good with these kind of things (I'm 28 and never been in a proper relationship).
Anyway I feel it went well as we went for a walk and then for a coffee afterwards where we got to know each other a bit more and chat/laugh a bit. When we said bye to each other I asked if she wanted to me up in about 10 days time to go somewhere else to which she said she'll see if she was free. I went back home feeling quite good.
Anyway I've now noticed a private message she sent me on facebook saying thank you for meeting up. She would just like to be friends though and that she hoped I didn't mind her saying that as she didn't lead me on.
This has led to me wondering if I was maybe a bit too full on when I asked if she wanted to meet up again in about 10 days time or whether I should have left it a while.
Should I just forget this or is that the sign of me giving up too quickly. I don't have much (if any) experience with this sort of thing that I feel completely stuck and useless. I haven't replied to her as I think it would be too soon but do people reckon I should forget it or say to her that I didn't mean to be full on and whether we could try again?
Many thanks in advance for any replies

Alex

[Gypsybell]

Reply right away and keep it casual, A simple " Sure, no worries, great talking to you.I enjoyed your company, maybe we could do it again sometime." And don't take it further unless she is enthusuiastic. At least you get a chance to save face that way.

. Don't acknowledge any brush off or get into any explanation of why. She is giving you a gentle hint that she is not into you romantically. Not yet. But she likes you enough to contact you civilly on facebook, so don't rush her and don't be so intense. (if you were a little full on, back off now and let her see you have sensitivity) Be COOL.

You could follow up in a day or two with another '"Hi" and just converse about things you talked about over coffee, obviously you had some rapport or she wouldn't have gone out with you from a meeting at a party. You are more in front than if it was an online connection and that your first meeting. You attracted her in the flesh, so now you need to work on your social skills around women. If you really takke note of what she says, you'll discover that most women are trying to coach males about what they want (without being too diirect) listen for the hints. She took the trouble to say she'd like to be friends with you. Its a good start.

If you had a specific thing you invited her to in the ten day framework you could mention it again, providing she is chatting with you freely. Otherwise just think about getting to know her well enough on line to say " hey, a few of us are going to such and such for drinks, see you there?" or some such. You need to get your confidence up around women, so its time you startd just talking to them like mates and realise that they are just people. Lose the skirt factor and you won't offend or frighten them off, but no woman goes for a panting puppy. So you better start somewhere. Good luck.

[amc204]

Hi Gypsybell,
Thank you so much for your message. I read it first thing on monday morning when I was pissed off and down about starting another week at work particularly after the encounter on sunday with the girl I explained above. It really helped to cheer me up and taught me to try and be a bit positive every now and then.
I did what you suggested and sent a message back to her saying 'yeah thats cool, no worries. It was great to see you, I enjoyed your company and maybe we can go again sometime', she replied by saying 'hurrah, glad you're not annoyed with me and of course I'd always be happy to hang out as friends'.
Anyway I'm pleased she got back to me with what I feel is a positive reply (I was really fearing I wouldn't hear anything). Now to hopefully meet up with her again at least before christmas and see where things go I guess?!! I don't know.

[Cerby]

Hi Gypsybell,
Thank you so much for your message. I read it first thing on monday morning when I was pissed off and down about starting another week at work particularly after the encounter on sunday with the girl I explained above. It really helped to cheer me up and taught me to try and be a bit positive every now and then.
I did what you suggested and sent a message back to her saying 'yeah thats cool, no worries. It was great to see you, I enjoyed your company and maybe we can go again sometime', she replied by saying 'hurrah, glad you're not annoyed with me and of course I'd always be happy to hang out as friends'.
Anyway I'm pleased she got back to me with what I feel is a positive reply (I was really fearing I wouldn't hear anything). Now to hopefully meet up with her again at least before christmas and see where things go I guess?!! I don't know.

She has made it clear she isn't interested in you beyond friends. Its nothing you did, first dates are designed to determine compatibility, and she simply didn't see it. I wouldn't bother meeting up with her again if you are interested in her, it will just be a waste of your time. Use this experience and move on to another girl.

And if anything, 10 days is far too long, so you didn't move too fast. I'd have aimed to take her out within the week.

[Gypsybell]

Cerby is usually great at putting the male perspective across and i think its value to have both points of view. He is right about the girl's first impression from a romantic point of view, and I know you are looking at it from that angle too, but I don't think you should ignore this giirl at all.

In fact I think you should persue a friendship with her. One, because at 28 you really need to start relating to women better socially and there is real value in having a female you are attracted to for skilling up purposes. Two, because, as I said, she was attracted enough by your appearance to accept a coffee date, so it is possibly your inexperience that cruelled it. If you get to know her and you both relax she may see things differently. Trust me, there's many a girl who appreciates having a male around who can actually converse with her on a level of equality and that is a very real basis for real love to grow from. Just talk to her without sex on the agenda and watch her bloom. Didn't it make you feel more relaxed and happy when she answered you on f/b? YOU HAVE ALREADY SURPRISED AND INTRIGUED HER BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T REACT LIKE A TYPICAL MALE To HER GENTLE REBUFF (you took the advice of a woman, and as I told you, most women TRY to let men know what they want and need, but most men just don't hear it. This is a nice girl with a good heart. You can only gain by knowing her. Good luck.

[amc204]

Thanks again for a very helpful reply. I've had a couple of finance exams this week so I've had other things to think about recently which while I hate exams hasn't been a bad thing as it gets my mind off this situation!
After your first reply I played badminton that evening with a group of friends and played as well as I have for a very long time which felt great. I've also signed up to do a marathon next year (don't worry that isn't purely on the back of your message, I did my first marathon earlier this year and wanted to sign up to another one!!)
I'm going to be meeting up with her next month to watch a football match (which happens to be between the team I support and the team she supports so that should be interesting) so between now and then I guess I have to learn to relax and just treat meeting up with her as something normal so that she sees me in a different way to the previous time.
Here's hoping it all goes well and that we can follow it up more in the new year

[DonJuanInc]

Hi everyone, my name's Alex and am looking forward to communicating with you in the near future. I suppose what bought me to these board was the scenario I'll explain below.
I went out earlier today with a girl I met at a birthday party of someone I know a few weeks ago. Firstly I was amazed that she agreed to go out with me as I'm not very good with these kind of things (I'm 28 and never been in a proper relationship).
Anyway I feel it went well as we went for a walk and then for a coffee afterwards where we got to know each other a bit more and chat/laugh a bit. When we said bye to each other I asked if she wanted to me up in about 10 days time to go somewhere else to which she said she'll see if she was free. I went back home feeling quite good.
Anyway I've now noticed a private message she sent me on facebook saying thank you for meeting up. She would just like to be friends though and that she hoped I didn't mind her saying that as she didn't lead me on.
This has led to me wondering if I was maybe a bit too full on when I asked if she wanted to meet up again in about 10 days time or whether I should have left it a while.
Should I just forget this or is that the sign of me giving up too quickly. I don't have much (if any) experience with this sort of thing that I feel completely stuck and useless. I haven't replied to her as I think it would be too soon but do people reckon I should forget it or say to her that I didn't mean to be full on and whether we could try again?
Many thanks in advance for any replies

Alex

I'd bet my house she didn't want to continue seeing you because you were too timid. I say this both because of your description of the date and you asking her to meet up "in ten days", and because saying:

I was amazed that she agreed to go out with me

is a huge indicator of a lack of confidence. If you're out on a date and you have no idea why that person would want to date you, you're going to subcommunicate that through your body language, tonality, approach to the date etc.

Going on a date when you aren't sure of what you're doing takes a lot of balls, so big respect to you for going through with it - lots of guys aren't able to take that first step.

Work on getting some more experience with women and move on. At least she was straight up with you and told you directly she wants to be friends after the first date, this site is full of posts from guys who are being lead on for months at a time.

[amc204]

Well Mr DonJuan de Marco (or Johnny Depp wannabe judging by the arrogance of your reply),
Thanks for making me sink into a deep depression last night on reading your reply. Maybe I deserved it for laying out my personality in a bit too much detail but you don't know everything about my situation and indeed haven't met the girl I met up with.
It seems like if I make one tiny mistake (which everyone in this life does) then I'm doomed and surely the human mind can't just forget things like this straight away or am I just a freak?
Oh and if you read earlier messages the reason I asked about meeting up in 'ten days' is because at the time I was concentrating hard on some exams that I had coming up which I explained to her. I hadn't done a proper sit down exam for 5 years before last week so I was making myself sick with nerves about it

[DonJuanInc]

Hahaha wow, what a huge disconnect between the way I meant that and the way you received it. First off I'll apologize if you feel like I was being arrogant or rude in any way, I definitely have no interest in insulting anyone, and especially not someone who's here sharing personal details and looking for advice.

If you have Skype, feel free to add me - my username is the same as my handle on this forum (donjuaninc). If you had seen my expression and heard me speaking the first post, I doubt you would've taken it so negatively.

Why would you sink into a deep depression? You said you were nervous on your date and I gave you props for going out anyway. I've been there and I know it's super intimidating.

I criticized you, sure - but not for the sake of insulting you. You said yourself you were amazed she even when out with you, all I'm doing is pointing out how unhealthy that perspective is, so you can change it.

I definitely don't know much about you at all, or the girl you met up with. I'm going purely based off of your single forum post, and obviously there's a lot of room for error there.

I think you're timid both because of your lack of experience (although there's nothing wrong with that, again I'm not bringing this up in a negative way at all) and because you thought she maybe wanted to be just friends because you were too "full on". No girl I've ever met would think a guy is being too forward by suggesting they meet in ten days.

I hope this clears things up.

Cheers

[Phoenix23]

When she said she'd think about it, she already knew she didn't want to meet up a second time but didn't want to just say it in person right then and there.

I wonder if she actually wants to be friends. If so, great, go for it.
But I had one say that to me who then appeared to have no real interest in communicating afterwards. Sometimes they will say that just to soften the let down, so you don't feel totally rejected as a person. So if she ends up not wanting to be friends too don't take it personal.

[amc204]

Hey there,
Well I met up with this girl again last weekend which was enjoyable. We met up for a tea (we're British!) then watched a football match together. I was able to chat with her normally and we were joking and catch up with what we did over the christmas and new year period. It's good to get to know each other a lot more.
While I'm not looking too far ahead as I know that's a recipe for disaster I do like it that she is in regular contact with me throughout the week.
I need to keep myself busy so that it is not playing on my mind all the time. I'm going to be starting training for a marathon in late May and running helps my self esteem a lot so maybe I'll start to see things in a clearer perspective rather than my usual downbeat pessimistic one.
DonJuan - appreciate your reply. I look back at what I wrote to you and realise I went a bit over the top.
We'll see what happens