My ex-fiance is driving me crazy

[Confusedsouls]

This is quite a long story but i will try to make it as short as possible i would really appriciate some advice.

I was going out with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and he proposed to me i knew i was getting engaged however i was still soooo shocked.

A few days after getting engaged we had a annoucement party which i thought would only be close family and friends however his family ended up inviting 150 people.

Up until the party i was excited but nervous i was throwing up everyday and i didnt know why. Up until my engagement i got alot with my mother in law really well i use to tell people " i have the best mother in law" from the moment i got engaged i felt like i was somehow their property now, my mother in law right away in my eyes turned into the mother in from hell. The day after we got engaged my in laws came over and everyone started talk about wedding plans and i stated i wanted a wedding by the end of the yr ( at this stage it was april 2011) my mother in law right away said " nooo thats not enough time i wont have time to get ready" this pissed me off because i had told my fiance for a very long time i did not want to have a very long engagment. But i let this slide with my mother in law, then her and her daughter were telling me what places they think i should have my wedding. Little did they know i had already planed in my mind all the details about the wedding as i had already known i was getting engaged. I felt like my opinion was not vaild but again i let it slide.


Our engagement party day came and it was very overwelming, i felt like my fiances family just did what they wanted to do ( yes it was at their house but its MY engagement) At the party i stayed more closer to my family and spent more time mingling with my cousins as i was more comfortable doing so and i got in trouble of my fiance for doing that.

I felt like my engagement was taken over by not only my mother in law but also my fiances friends. I was not happy and i did not like happy at all on the day.

My fiance was very angry with me because it " didnt look like i was happy to be engaged and the way i acts embarassed him"

He had never been this agry with me before. His cousins started telling him " she has bi polar" which i do not. The next thing i know he is asking for my ring back. Everytime i would speak to him he would go mental at me on the phone i didnt know what to do.

I spoke to my mother in law who yelled at me also telling me " ive lost so much weight" and when i responded and what i havnt? she tells me " i do not care about you" at this staged we were still engaged, she was on the phone fighting with me about who i SHOULD put in my bridal party according to her and about stupid things that did not need to be talked about.

I think the reason why i acted the way i did at my engagement party was because of something that happened a year earlier.

When i first met my boyfriend he went overseas for 2 months without me, i got over it. Then the next yr comes aroud and he went behind my back afte me begging him for months to go overseas with me, he went and booked a ticket with his cousins and friends to go for a month.

I could not believe he lied to be when i asked him he said to me " i knew you would get angry i just thought you would get over it" and " its my last trip alone with the boys"

I NEVER got over it. I felt so beytrayed and i lost alot of trust and respect for him because of this. He went overseas and i stayed at home. The whole time he was gone i was soooo depressed. I hanged out with his family every day for a month. I went to dinner at his house, went shopping with his mum. All while his in a different continents partying away WITHOUT ME.

He came back after a month and realsied he had made the biggest mistake. I couldnt believe it took a trip for him to realsie how much he loves me. he tried everything to make me happy, showed feelings, boughts me flowers. But no matter what he did i jsut could not get over him going overseas. He though proposing would make me happy. Which it would of only for the right reasons.

I think the fact that he chose his friends and cousins over me to go overseas with was like alarm bells to my ears. We had been together for a1 1/2 years and he still was acting like this.

every fight we had i would always bring up " but you went overseas and left me" it was always in the back of my head.

I think this is the reason why i acted the way i did at my engagement, i think i pushed for us to get engaged because yes i did love him but i really wanted to know he would never elave me again the way he did.

I always have known i wanted to marry him, the moment i met him i said " thats the guy im gonna marry".

After we broke off our engagement i lost 7kgs and i was aways from everyone i know ( my family and friends live a few hrs away so all of his friends were my friends) i had no support besides one cousin.

I couldnt believe the guy i wanted to marry would do this to me, treat me like this. everytime we spoke it would always end in us going mental at eachother.

At one stage i went almost a month without speaking to him which for me was hard. I thought okay we must really be over. The out of nowhere 2 months ago he calls me and says i saw you going home ill come over, i was beyond shocked. He came and was acting like nothing had happened trying to talk to me and be nice which i didnt understand.

he told me for the first time ever that maybe yes he did **** up and make a mistake and he might have to change ( up until now he thought he was perfect) i told him " what do you want from me i cant deal with this"

then he starts telling me he wants to work things out after a few weeks of " working things out" he said he wants to be my boyfriend again. I was like OMGGGG finally we are back together. But this time it was different everytime i wa around him i was scared to talk scared he was going to wake up and say i do not want to be with you. Last week during one of our phone calls i said something like "i do not reall care about others right now i care about u" and he snaped it at me saying this is why we will never work, i just do not feel the same way i want to be friends

like how can i be friends with my ex fiance, what am i gonna be a bridesmaid at his next wedding or something? he just says i do not want a relatioships and now i am so confused. He calls me and msgs me random things but i feel like he just wants to have me there in case.

I am not sure if i should ignore him, give him an ultimatem, or just keep trying?

i just feel like when im with him these days i have to watch what i say because everything i say makes him angry. When we talk about our engagements he goes mental and started yelling.

I do not know if he is just confused because he is still hurt?

i know its such a long story but i would really love it if someone could help.

[bulrush]

Your boyfriend sounds a bit over reactive. The best way to see a person's personality is when they are under stress, and how they react to it. Do they ignore the stress and be happy? Or do they get mean and worry over everything?

[MaidenMinx]

Let him go. How dare his mother try to plan your wedding! You don't need that drama.

[Confusedsouls]

he is the kind of person (or at least i feel that he is) where his just easy going he never worries about anything, im the one that always worries and he ALWAYS says to me "just get over it" "stop crying your being immature get over it"

i sometimes feel like he thinks if something is too hard he just doesnt bother doing it.

that is why i think he doesnt know if he wants to be with me, he went from proposing to me, to taking back my ring and treating me like shit and not talking to me, to then coming back into my life saying saying and saying lets get back together and now he is telling me i dont love you the same way i want to be friends.

firstly i do not think 3 weeks is enough time to really see if you still love someone. i think he is just very angry about the engagement as i said because if you talk to him about everything but that he is fine, as soon as you mention what happened he turns mental and starts yelling and says to me " if i came and spoke to you when i asked for the ring back (back when we broke up after the engagement) i would of ended up spending the rest of my life in a cell. i cant believe he says that because he is usually sooooo nice.

My question i guess to everyone is:

do you think i should continue telling him i love him and want to work things out?
is he just still very hurt 7 months later and thats why he confused?
should i ignore him?
or should i give him an ultimatium - either decide if you want to be with me if not then do not talk to me?

thank you soooo much

[MaidenMinx]

Honey, rather than answer your questions I'm going to ask you one.

With what you have witnessed is this a family you really want to marry into? And I really want you to think about that before you respond because this is the way I see it happening (and this is the positive possibility.
You get back together with him and everything is fine for a while. Eventually he gets over the engagement party enough to propose to you again. You accept. You tell your families. Next thing you know you have his mother planning your wedding again. You sigh and decide it's for the best if she plan it, you just want to get married. Your wedding is somewhere you never wanted it to be, you dance to music you didn't want, your bridesmaids are women you didn't pick in dresses you would have never put them in. You have a honeymoon somewhere you never wanted to go. After 6 - 12 months you suddenly realise you are all but trapped in a marriage you didn't really want or think through.

I know that is just one possible outcome if you get back with him, but I honestly believe it is the most likely one. Is that the life you want?

[Confusedsouls]

I totally understand where you are coming from and it is definitely something that i have thought about. However sometimes i think maybe i do overreact to much? Obviously a mother is a women every women loves weddings and if its your own childs you would want to be a part of the preparations. I think with his mum she started throwing ideas around and i don’t expect her to do that and i just got defensive right away. Just because she is giving me ideas does not mean i have to follow through with them? I just expected everyone to leave me alone to do what i want and i guess people in my culture don’t do that (i am of European background) and me living by myself i have become use to getting my way and not listening to others suggestions? Im not sure? I think maybe we both got to excited and i went into bridezilla and she turned into mother in law from hell.

But as i said it is something that i have thought about in depth and i have come to the conclusion that no matter who you marry you will always have people that think they can control you.

[MaidenMinx]

Ok, you're over-reactive. Lets hang draw and quarter you. ( sorry, I tend to be over reactive too)

My point being, maybe you could benefit from the Marilyn Monroe school of thought of ' if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best'. Please realise that when some people say that they mean it as an excuse for their horrid behaviour. I take it a ' I am aware of my flaws and working on them.if you don't have the patience to bare with me while I work on me, I don't need you.'

[Confusedsouls]

Haha its funny i always think about that quote when i think about this situation i feel like i did one thing wrong like not smile at my engagement and i am being punished where as he has done alot of stuff to hurt me but apparently “ i need to get over it coz his perfect and im not” according to my mother in law.

I know everyone makes mistakes which why i chose to still stay with him after he went overseas. I always remind him that relationships take effort and without effort it does not work. Obviously he does not think the same as i do as i am willing to try and make an effort to make it work and he is just running and hiding and telling me “ you hurt me”. I feel like punching him in the face sometimes hahahaha

[MaidenMinx]

His mother thinks he is perfect? Sounds like an objective family /sarcasm.

I don't think he is worth your energy. He sounds like the type to cut and run at the first sign of difficulty. If you want kids (not sure if you do, just saying) you want a man who will stick with you through everything because kids are a lot more stress than a difficult engagement party.

If you are going to take him back, do so warily.

[Confusedsouls]

Yes that's what she said his perfect and his always the centre of attention I was like **** yeh I know his your son but seriously haha and I'm sure that she didn't tell him half the things she said to me

I know kids are hard and I have told him that I don't think he would be there for me if we had a fa
ily together judging from his past behavious and he is like so shocked that I think like that

I guess it's obvious that he needs to really grow up and be a man I guess

Should I even bother making him decide or should I ignore hi

[MaidenMinx]

I think you should ignore him. He's proven over and over your opinion counts for little.

[Gypsybell]

I don't think you'll have much luck ignoring him. Far better to have a definite reckoning and tell him straight what your feelings are. Instead of pussy footing around, making excuses for him and everyone else who, in actual fact, didn't consider your feelings at all. They came at you like a wall, overriding your rights and opinions and if you couldn't stand up to them before marriage then you would have little hope after it, they would take over your children, or at least tell you how to raise them and undermine you at every turn. He is showing you no respect at all.

Some families are like that, and if you aren't made of the stuff to withstand their exuberence, you get run over, and rundown for your faults. Which will multiipy as familiarity makes you just a faceless member of the rowdy clan, they have no respect foryou because you are weaker than them. He will always be the star. Your needs will always come second, to nowhere in the running. And this was made obvious way back when he went overseas and said "I KNEW YOU'D BE HURT, BUT RECKONED YOU'D GET OVER IT".
Then he dumped you because you upset his family,( you ungratefull little doormat you!) Now he's back flogging a dead horse (your relationship) and at no time has he been prepared to really listen to your reasons for being unhappy, or if he did, offered no support, as in telling his family to back off. He cares more about their opinion than yours and always will. Be sane. you know you should have chucked him out last year when he was such a boorish oaf, and you can't forgive him even now. Why botherto try? Use your righteous anger to give you the backbone to give him the shove.

If you really want to find out the depth of his 'friendship', tell him his family sucks and exactly why, and if he shouts, yell him down. Do it! Because that is what you will have to do to get his respect, be a fishwife. Is it worth it? Get rid of the drongo and move on.

[Confusedsouls]

omg hahahaha you are so right I know I should of broke up with him after he went overseas but I just thought no you havnt come this far to let a stupid trip ruin everything but then I think he didn't even consider our relationship when he booked the stupid ticket

You are right when you say that he cares about other peoples opinions he always tells me stop worrying about what others think but then he says to me " how embarassing would it be if I told people we are back together" like are you serious what happened to not worrying about them

I just do not understand why he tells me he doesn't deserve me and I can do better then him I feel like just chocking him it's like
who do you think you are to tell me what I deserve hahahahahaha

[Gypsybell]

Its called reverse psychology, oldest attention seeking trap in the world. The vain, egotistical types make a big deal about running themselves down, Like, "Oh, I'm so awful! boo hoo, poor me, you deserve so much better...." and you're supposed to feel flattered and disagree profusely, like "But of course I don't! Why, you're just wonderful!" batting eyelids, 'My hero!"

Don't fall for his crap. Next time he says it, agree with him and show him the door. Because you do deserve better than that!