Wife hiding Facebook messages and emails - need advice!

[blackstallion]

Hey guys - I'm new to the forum and could REALLY use ur feedback and opinions...

Ok, so while I was up at my cabin my wife went into one of my business computers
to basically snoop behind my back (she didn't tell me)...

She found an email to a old buddy of mine that she got really upset at me for. This
friend told me he'd been going through a rough time, so in order to relate, I brought
up a situation a few years ago, telling him "my wife left me and took my daughters,
etc. etc. it was really tough on me..." It was literally one paragraph, again, just to
be understanding of what my friend was going through, and trying to relate.

ANYhow.. So she's texting me accusing/blaming texts, and yelling at me on the
phone about what I wrote, accusing me of not being over my ex wife, saying I
should have not referred to her as my "wife", and I agreed and said yes, I
should have typed "EX wife" instead of "wife", etc...

Anyhow, I explained as best I could to her to calm her down and everything, and
let her know she has nothing to worry about with my EX wife (this has been brought
up many times)... And then, here's the problem...

I asked her for HER password to Facebook and her email account. We'd already
agreed in the past to share passwords and be totally open, the whole "full disclosure"
thing. So there's that. *And* the fact that she was JUST inside my email account
looking over all my emails!

...But despite this, she flat out refused to give me access (going on 2 days now).

I ask her why, and she just tells me she has "nothing to hide" and acts like I'm
totally CRAZY for asking. In fact, she's called me crazy numerous times now for
even asking, and bringing it up. I reminded her that sharing passwords is
something we agreed on. And that she was *just* looking at all my emails,
and without even asking or telling me first (behind my back).

Apparently she doesn't know what a "double standard" is. Anyhow...

I'm concerned now that she is hiding something at this point. And I want to
know what you guys think. Is she right, and am I "CRAZY" for thinking she
should give me access to her messages like she had access to mine? (I'm
talking about this specific situation and not just password sharing in general.)

I also told her I'd give her access to ANY of my accounts on the spot, while
I was on the phone with her. She said no to that as well, because she didn't
want to give me HER info. obviously, and already had read my emails.

I also know for a fact she was emailing her ex, about our step daughter, and
that she deleted the emails to him already (she told me). She says he's nuts
and she wants nothing to do with him, and I believe her there - though I don't
get why she would delete the emails when she always *insists* on reading any
emails I have to send to my ex. Another double standard. Anyhow...

BUT, I don't understand *at all* her HIDING her email and facebook messages,
instead of just giving me the password. (???) The thing is, I have never snooped
on her like she's done to me a dozen times. This is the ONE time I've asked
since we've been married for year and a half now. And she's flat out just
denying me, calling me "sick" and "crazy". And saying "What don't you get??!!!!"
"I'm not hiding anything!!!"

So then I ask her, "well fine, but then WHY can't I have the PASSWORD?" And
she simply doesn't answer me.

I tried my best to explain that this is pretty tearing me up because I can't imagine
any other good reason not to give me her password if she has nothing to hide,
unless she HAS something to hide.

Ur thoughts? Is she hiding something most likely? Emails and contacts with
other guys? Etc?

Thanks guys!! I appreciate your time .

-Brett
P.S. I'm also not looking for a 'pick me up' though I appreciate that kind of
thing as well, I'm just looking for the honest, straight up opinions if you think
she's hiding something, or if I'm just being "crazy" and shouldn't even be asking
for HER info. like she's seen mine.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It sounds like she's definitely hiding something.

Just tell her that you flat out don't trust her, and it seems like she's flipping everything on you to divert attention from herself. Tell her that her mistrust of you, coupled with her unwillingness to submit to the same set of rules, is unfair and it's just shady and you want to separate. You really should take off for a while and decide if you really want to live the rest of your life like this. You didn't say one good thing about her, so I think you should stop asking for the password and leave her. Tell her you know she's been speaking to her ex, so she should just go be with him. See what she says to that.

Grow some balls, and stop playing by her rules.

[bulrush]

Yes, she is hiding something. First she agrees to share passwords, and now she doesn't? She sounds childish, so maybe childish tactics will get the message across to her. Change all your passwords and don't give them to her.

But really, you two need to talk this out. She sounds insecure and over reactive. The issues underlying her insecurities need to be dealt with or things might get worse.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree partially Bulrush, but I think her insecurities are stemming from a projection of her own behavior. What else would make sense in this scenario?

[blackstallion]

Thanks guys - I appreciate ur feedback...

Just wondering if anybody else agrees, or disagrees?

I should also add, I was nice about the password at first, but then
after realizing she was not going to give it to me, I pretty much got
REALLY angry with her (as she's done with me) and went off on her
that afternoon... Mostly telling her to 'f off' and then saying well
ok, then I'm changing my passwords and I'll contact MY ex's and
you'll see how it feels to have ur own husband hide stuff on purpose...

Immature, totally. And I apologized that night sincerely and the
next day was as loving as I could be. But then SHE was back to
being nasty again... I was back to asking nicely about the password,
etc., explaining why it's causing me to think she's hiding something
which obviously feels like crap.

And I *do* love her lots, and have lots of good things to say about
her so don't get me wrong there.

It's just that I can't function in the relationship if she's intentionally
hiding stuff from me like this.. Or so it seems and so far you guys
agree.

Btw, separating is not about growing balls. I've been through divorce
and leaving is not as simple as that. I'd rather work it out because
I love her. That's where 'balls' come in. Sticking it out.

But really here, I just want to know if you guys think she's hiding
something (more opinions).

Thanks again, I appreciate it.

Brett

[Wakeup]

What is the point of your thread if all you want is validation of your personal opinion that she's hiding something from you? How is that going to resolve the very obvious fact that you two act like you're 12 and I give this marriage about two more years tops if you don't learn to communicate, resolve conflict, compromise, trust and show some loving actions towards one another.

My advice: Change your passwords to all your email accounts and then stfu. Don't even tell her you've done it. Get on with your life as if you actually trust her and if her ACTIONS get your gut screaming at you that she's stepping out on you then start worrying. Until then do you think it's possible that you stop acting like Snookie and The Situation and learn to live like you actually like one another?

I don't often agree with a tit for a tat but if she's unwilling to allow you into her email then she should not have carte blanche to yours. What's good for the gander is good for the goose as far as email access goes.

[MaidenMinx]

I agree with wake up. At this point, whether or not she is hiding anything is pretty much irrelevant, your next step is damage control.

Re-focus your thoughts. If you catch your brain being suspicious, think about the things you like about your wife. Train your brain to not dwell on the negative by pushing the positive. I know this isn't easy, but it's worth it.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

When I said grow some balls, I meant in general. It was more aimed at the scenario of you staying with her, since I figured you probably would want to. Looking back, I see how you took it the way you did, particularly since that's what I emphasized in my post, but really, I meant stop playing by her rules within the relationship. You really should change your password, and you really should start looking at other women. Start talking to other women too. Make it really obvious. Start distancing yourself and make her feel like she's not important to you. You are going to have to break her if you want to stay with her.

[am76]

Its obvious she's hiding something. But.. by now she has deleted everything, so honestly you will never know what happened. Change yours, and don't go back down that road again.

I had something similar to this happen to me before, and I absolutely KNEW my ex was cheating on me, but needed physical proof to throw in his face. (Childish I know) but, I wanted him to know that I knew everything. I added a keylogger to our computer and GOT the password. He was cheating, and I was gone

[IndiReloaded]

Change your passwords. Don't ask for hers, but ask her to sit with her and show you her FB and emails. My husband reads over my shoulder all the time. I find it annoying, but I don't stop him either. Shrug.

[hopegrace]

Change your passwords. Don't ask for hers, but ask her to sit with her and show you her FB and emails. My husband reads over my shoulder all the time. I find it annoying, but I don't stop him either. Shrug.

She might erase all previous messages though, and then let you see her page

[blackstallion]

Thanks, I appreciate the comments and opinions so far!

Brett

[bluesummer]

Change all your passwords immediately, she isn't playing fair.

FWIW, my ex husband was suspicious of me all the time. Alwas accused me of wanting other men, always wanted to know where I was, who my friends were.....this was before Facebook thank god. He was cheating on me the whole time, and his guilt over his own shitty behaviour was causing him to project it back onto me. Idiot.

[IndiReloaded]

She might erase all previous messages though, and then let you see her page

And that wouldn't be at all obvious, would it. :roll eyes: