Trusting boyfriend in Thailand. Reassurance/advice desperately appreciated!

[untrusting]

Short version; My boyfriend cheated on me and now I don't trust him in Thailand for two weeks.

Long version; I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months, 3 months into the relationship, he had a drunken one night stand with a girl he met in a nightclub. It was and still is the most heartbreaking experience I've ever been through, and 3 months later i still have nights where I cry myself to sleep. I wouldn't wish the hurt on my worst enemy. This was honestly the only incident where he has ever 'stepped out of line' in the whole six months. He is caring, loving, generous and thoughtful. I even considered him so close to perfect before he cheated on me. Since the incident, he has been, for lack of a better word my 'lap dog'. He is so remorseful and is willing to do anything to make me feel safe and secure again. Barely drinking, inviting me to all the parties he attends(which he has only attended one of) and hasn't set foot in a club/bar the whole time. He lets me go through his phone and Facebook, and has even offered to delete every female contact he has from both. He buys me flowers and does absolutely anything I ask(not that I abuse this at all).

He is going to Thailand with a friend I don't particularly trust, who on his last visit had sex with a prostitute, recieved many 'happy endings', smoked marijuana, cigars and cigerettes(all of which I am very opposed too) and drank a disgusting amount of alcohol, and participated in many other unsavoury activities such as the 'ping pong show'.
I love my boyfriend, but I still can't trust him. I am so so scared about him going away to another country for two whole weeks, especially with this friend.
I have told him how worried I am, and he has done his best to reassure me and let me know 'there is no way anything like that will ever happen again'. He even said 'I will cancel the trip if you are so worried'. There's no way im going to ask him to do that, but at this stage, im going to be sick with worry everynight. The thought terrifies me.
Please. If anyone has any advice or thoughts on whether to trust him, how to trust him, and personal stories, I would be so so appreciative. Anything at all. Thank you so much in advance. If you need anymore information/details to make a better assessment just ask!

[jschenone]

I'm sorry!! I go by "once a cheater, always a cheater." If my boyfriend ever cheated on me, it would be over. No questions asked. Knowing me, I would NOT be able to live with a man who cheated on me. Even if I loved him, I would not be able to do it.

However you may be able to do it. If you can stay with your boyfriend, then you should. You should do whatever you feel is best for yourself.

Your boyfriend seems to have really regretted that he cheated on you and he's going to lengths to prove to you that it won't happen again. That's really good... Lastly, I believe that trust is blind... There aren't any tips I can give you on how to trust your boyfriend. You just have to do it. Just have faith that he wo'nt cheat again.

I know what I would do if I were you... but ultimately, the decision is up to you. Are you willing to accept and live with the fact that he cheated?

[Wakeup]

It was and still is the most heartbreaking experience I've ever been through, and 3 months later i still have nights where I cry myself to sleep.

This is a measly 6 month union. Why would you stay with him and put yourself through this kind of grief. Show him the curb before he goes away and then you won't have to worry about a thing while he's away. 6 Months and he has a drunken one nighter? Pfffft. He's certainly not worth your tears and continued angst. Say bubbye to him. At 6 months the last thing he should be wanting to do is another woman.

*Whats with the Thailand and boyfriends going when girlfriend don't want them to posts lately?

[Lipp]

[URL="http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/61341-dreaded-thailand-discussion-advice-needed.html"]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/61341-dreaded-thailand-discussion-advice-needed.html[/URL]

Rubba dub dub.

[untrusting]

Wakeup have you ever been inlove? Surely you understand its easier said then done to just 'show him the curb'? It was a very difficult decision to decide to stay with him, but I can see light at the end of the tunnel, and we have made improvements. Thank you for your contribution, I do appreciate it, but I won't be breaking up with him. Not right now anyway. PS. My boyfriend had this trip planned and paid for before we started going out.

Jschenone, I know all I can really do is just let him go and have faith he won't cheat. And if he does, its goodbye, no doubt about it. I really just wanted a way to cope over those two weeks..

I did read that Lipp but I believe my situation is different to hers.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup have you ever been inlove?

Yep.

Surely you understand its easier said then done to just 'show him the curb'?

No one said it would be easy. However; what you're putting yourself through after only knowing this man for 6 months, to me means you don't treat yourself very well. After 6 months, with very little invested emotionally, financially, or even getting to know this guy he's already shown you the crappy side of him when he should have been on his best behaviour at that point. I would certainly not try to keep a man who cheated on me.

It was a very difficult decision to decide to stay with him, but I can see light at the end of the tunnel, and we have made improvements.

Where so if you're "crying yourself to sleep every night?" What makes you stay with this man that while in the midst of the supposed honeymoon period, he felt the need to schtuup another like some irresponsible man-skank. What is it that compels you to stay and cry and mis-trust. IMO it will be much easier on you now to let him go then to stick around crying and mistrusting only to find out that since you let him get away with it this time, you'll certainly be easy to pull one over on a second time.

I won't be breaking up with him. Not right now anyway.

When then? When he brings back some STD from "The sex capital of the world." That's the only way you'll be able to tell if he cheated on you or not anyway.

PS. My boyfriend had this trip planned and paid for before we started going out.

Really, what difference does it make when he planned it. You should be more concerned as to when he booked it.

These are just some things for you consider and to self-reflect upon. At only 6 months is he really worth all your angst and mis-trust?

[untrusting]

I'm in no way defending him or only taking advice I want to hear, im simply telling you how it is. We have known each other for about 10 months all up, dating for 6 months, he cheated 3 months in. I never said I cried 'every night'. Some days, it just really get to me and I feel very emotional about it. This isn't every day.

I decided to stay with him because up until that point, he had been the most caring, supportive, generous guy I'd ever come across. After the incident, he continued to be the most caring, supportive, generous guy I have ever come across. It truly was the only bad thing he has ever done. As I said, it was the one time he had made a mistake, only time he had stepped out of line. Its something he describes as 'the biggest regret of his life' and he'd 'do anything to take it back'. He begged me to give him another chance. He has put in so much effort and showed me how much he remorse he has. And just a little extra information, we haven't had sex yet. So I think I can safely assume he isn't using me for sex. I've also told him we won't be having sex either until he goes to a doctor and can prove to me he doesn't have an STI, which he insists he's planning on doing.

He in no way 'got away with it'. Not at all.
Let me ask you a genuine question. Why should I give up?

[Wakeup]

You said "I still have nights I cry myself to sleep." Doesn't sound like much fun to me.

You're starting a relationship on a very shaky foundation. You can't trust him, you've not had sex with him so he screwed someone else to supplement you, he's going to the sex capital of the world without ever having had sex with you. Do you honestly think he's going to turn down sex when he's away. No, you don't because if you thought he would be faithful to you, then this thread wouldn't exist.

Now, if you're so desperate to keep a guy around that makes you scared and desperate and if he's so desperate for sex that he can't wait for you to have sex with him so he has it with someone who will then that is your perogative and who am I to try and talk you out of being with him. If you're not ready to break up with him yet then stop worrying about what he'll be doing when he's away and trust that he'll be celebate while with you and away from you.

You're looking for strangers to reassure you that he won't cheat. Sorry, but I can't see how we strangers (at lease this stranger) can assure you when there is not enough good solid loving history with one another to give you what you want. Perhaps someone else will see it differently. Remember, he himself (who needs to give the reassurance you crave) couldn't reassure you even after offering not to go.

[untrusting]

You do make a good point, I will admit that. I just don't think im ready to give up on him yet.
I guess if he cheats on me while he's away, it will be a lot easier for me to break up with him, and if he doesn't well then all is ok.

[Wakeup]

... and how will you be able to tell if he cheated on you or not while he was away? You'll not be able to tell unless he comes up with an STD. Do yourself a huge favor and make sure he gets tested before having unprotected sex with him. (don't let him slip that one under the rug whatever you do.)

[untrusting]

He'll be getting tested before we have sex regardless. Condom or not, he's getting tested.
He told me off his own back about cheating on me, so I think his conscience would get to him. I'm friends with quite a few of his friends, so if he did, and it got to any of them, im confident it would get back to me.

[MerryH]

He in no way 'got away with it'. Not at all.

When are you going to stop punishing him for it, then? You accepted his apology, and by staying with him, you implicitly agreed to get over it and move on. You can't keep having him act like your "lap dog" (for lack of a better word, indeed.) That's humiliating. Since you will not break up with him, you just have to trust him. There is no "how do I trust him?" You just do it because you have to, in order to sustain a relationship. I guess you'll find out later if you made a bad decision or not.

Also, you're building a pretty good case for him yourself, so you're kind of answering your own question here.

[IndiReloaded]

Whats the difference between trusting and trustworthy? Figure that out and you'll have your answer.

Search the site. This isn't the first time this question has been posted.

[Gypsybell]

I think you need to grow up a little and realise that all you have with this bloke is an idealistic notion of love and not any earthy connection at all. If 2 people commit to each other on an adult level then it should be because they are so in love that no other person can attract them. So your boy either wasn't that committed at 3 months, or is pretty immature ( To tell you he slept with another woman and cause all that upset was pretty dumb, if it meant nothing to him. He could have been a little wiser, before and after the fact)
Sounds like he is still too young to settle for a serious affair and should be free to play the field till he is. Assuming you are of Western culture, it is not clear if you are also virginal or how old you are. While you are celibate, there is no irretrievable commitment by either of you.

I am certainly not critical of that, nor am I saying love is any less valid because it has not moved to a sexual plane. It's lovely to take time and make responsible choices. And this situation is a perfect example of the wisdom of waiting. It is the way to find out if what you both feel is strong enough to build on without the totality of physical commitment. Nice, but as i said, idealistic for the times. You've done pretty well to get this young man to abide by it, given the sexual freedom of today.

He sounds like a nice boy, but you should be realistic about your expectations and stop having a fit of the vapours over letting him off the lead. Even though you've had him acting as your lapdog because he was honest enough to tell you about his transgression, probably because having sex with the other girl only proved to him that sex isn't all he's looking for. But maybe you are, and now he knows that, at least for the time being.

Love is never unconditional in the human condition, you forgive, nurture trust and learn together. Or you do the opposite and part ways. So you have two choices. Now you have to trust him or give him the flick and go start from scratch with another girly dream. He's making sacrifices for you. He has already proven that he's sexually active and had every intentention of indulging his male fantasies when he booked the Thai trip prior to meeting you.( Can I ask if that was a schoolies trip, because he's graduating shortly?) He's offered to cancel the trip, told you he's not going for the sex, he's paid and committed to a mate's trip, but you get to say yay or nay. Stop being a dog in the manger, if you want him to act like a man instead of a whipped dog, grow up and make a decision. And for Godsake, get a backbone and stop weeping over old shit or your life will ultimately end up full of crap.

[Gypsybell]

Whats the difference between trusting and trustworthy? Figure that out and you'll have your answer.

Search the site. This isn't the first time this question has been posted.

TRUSTWORTHY equals integrity, which is from the bone, or "what you do when no one is looking" and still come out clean, When your word is your bond and your life is proof of it.

TRUSTING equals a leap of faiith in the discerning person: the confidence in ones own ability to make the right choices and to connect wisdom wiith gut instincts. OR, the instinctual faith of innocence, ( Old dogs and children get it right mostly)