Quick opinion - Needs quick replies!!

[AwptiK]

I did something pretty stupid on Saturday night and really pissed off my girl. I didn't cheat or anything major, but I did majorly piss her off.

Sunday afternoon she texted me to let me know she was really upset at me, I asked her if I could call and apologize. She said "No, i'm really mad" and so I apologized via text. At the end of my apology I said that after this text she has all the time and space she needs to think things over and i'll be around whenever she decides what she wants to do.

Basically right after apologizing, I ordered flowers online, to be delivered to her work today, at some point before 3pm.

I asked the cashier, a mutual friend of the both of us, to let me know when they arrive. Cashier's initial reply was "Can you cancel the order?" I called and talked to the cashier, who had talked to her about things earlier in the morning and was told, "I just need my space, he needs to just ride it out" and, more importantly, "He better not try anything, he better not send me flowers - I have a feeling."


I was pretty surprised to know she even had such a feeling.. I've sent her flowers once in the past 3 months and that was when we first started talking. I'm the only guy who has ever sent her flowers.

I'm questioning the seriousness of "he better not buy me flowers". The cashier often misinterprets how my girl says things and the seriousness in which she does.


What do I do? I can't cancel the order online anymore, but I can possibly try to call and work something out with the florist shop. If I send the flowers, or if they're uncancelable, i'm going to keep on keeping to myself and all, but I'd rather not mess things up more.


Edit, I decided to call and cancel. They were already on the truck and headed there, but the manager called the driver for me. I want to give her what she wants - afterall. I called the cashier and told her I cancelled and the cashier brought up another valid point, the other employee working with me tonight is a bit nosey and likes to talk about everyone else's business, so that would have probably added a little irritation to my girl.

Lastly, I'd like to think that when she expects flowers, which she said "I have a feeling" out of the blue, that when today comes and goes without flowers arriving, she might wonder why I didn't send her anything. I'll just "ride it out" like suggested and when things are okay again, i'll send her some flowers then

[bulrush]

1. Never go on third party information. Talk to your gf directly.

2. Your gf does NOT want you to send flowers? And she "wants her space"? That sounds bad. Why does she want her space? Is she normally wishy washy?

[AwptiK]

To 1, yeah I make my decisions based on my gf, not about what other people say. In this case though, in my apology I said i'd give her the time and space to think things over. I can't really talk to her about sending her flowers. I kind of wish I just let the flowers be delivered, but i'm already past that point.

To 2: I'm questioning the seriousness of the flowers line. Our mutual coworker doesn't quite pick up on how serious or not serious my gf can be, but I can't quite find out for myself. Ultimately, even if she liked them, she'd have gotten interrogated by the other supervisor who comes in when she leaves, adding a little stress to her.

To answer the second part a little more, i'll provide some backing information. She's a "single mother" and has only been raising her two year old son by herself for 3 months now. That's when she left the boy's father, whom she was no longer "in love" with, but stayed with him so that she could provide for her son. On Saturday night, I had been drinking with some friends and around midnight I tried calling her a few times. I don't really know why and I didn't pay attention to the time. In the end, I ended up waking up her son, who sleeps beside her. Throwing off his routine and adding a lot of stress on an already stressed out girl is why she's upset at me. Yes, I know how stupid what I did was..


The whole space thing, is mainly about her cooling off. Being with someone, given her life, takes a lot of effort and requires as little stress as possible. She is the kind of person who can be extremely mad over a small situation.

I'm sure in a few days things will be alright and i'll probably send her flowers at that time, for now though, regardless of how what she said to the cashier can be interpreted, I think it's best if I let her have space right now. She is a VERY blunt person, she'd have said to me that she was done with things if that was the case.


To me, the flowers line is probably her saying "I'd prefer he not do anything, like sending me flowers, because then I wouldn't be able to be mad at him or i'd be less mad at him than I should be." Like...she has the right to be mad and i'm sure she just wants to be mad long enough to get her point across. I've always thought that if an apology is accepted right away, the one apologizing doesn't really feel the harm in what he/she did.

[bulrush]

On Saturday night, I had been drinking with some friends and around midnight I tried calling her a few times. In the end, I ended up waking up her son, who sleeps beside her.

Don't do that again.

To me, the flowers line is probably her saying "I'd prefer he not do anything, like sending me flowers, because then I wouldn't be able to be mad at him or i'd be less mad at him than I should be." Like...she has the right to be mad and i'm sure she just wants to be mad long enough to get her point across.

Do you irritate her often? She might have the perception that you sending flowers is a way for you to escape a chance to learn from your mistake. Her anger might be appropriate in this case, if you irritate her frequently. So she wants you to learn from your mistake for a while, before you try to "make up" and send flowers. I.e. she wants you to think about things before you act.

I don't advocate one partner "punishing" the other. This is not a parent-child relationship. However, there are some people that really need a smack upside the head.

I would suggest, if she's open to it, that you take care of the kid while she naps once or twice to make up for her losing sleep. Would she be open to that? Each nap would be about 3 hours.

[AwptiK]

To the first sentence, I surely won't. In my apology I stated that I would do whatever I had to, to not do this again. Simply by not making contact with her after 9:30pm (the time she stated she's in bed by), unless we were already talking.

I don't irritate her often, if at all. Things have been smooth sailing since the beginning. We've had one prior incident. We basically started talking immediately after she left her son's father. She wasn't ready for a relationship, but she did want to take things really slowly. Things didn't exactly develop slowly and we backed off. A few weeks later things had built back up to an uncomfortable point and we backed off again. I was really frustrated and I expressed that. Believe me, I don't need more pain from then.. I was pushy and acted like a kid who didn't get what he wanted. I didn't buy my way out of that one, she simply responded to my apology by saying that things were over and I did my own thing from that point on. After a bit of time, we started talking again and then started dating because she is ready to have a relationship. The entire time since that night, i've been chill and relaxed about things, which has lead to the point I am at today (minus how I was the other night).

I'm only telling this story because she mentioned this event when she explained that she was mad at me.

But regardless, I am hoping that she is just wanting me to learn and see the seriousness of things. I don't agree with the "punishing" either, but I probably should get a smack upside the head for the other night.

I don't think she'd be up to the idea of taking care of her son while she naps. He's 2 and he's at a stage where he's extremely clingy to her. If she is home, he has to be in the same room and probably attached to her. She'd either not be able to sleep or he'd have to nap with her. I'll try and think of some way to make things up to her and involve her son too.

I appreciate your advice by the way!

[devonbrown]

I think you pissed her off more than you realize. And her not wanting you to send flowers speaks to me of something else going on in the relationship - namely, that she feels a bit smothered. Best bet is to do exactly what you said you would do and back off her for a while. Let her decide what she needs and don't try to anticipate her wishes.

Good luck.

[AwptiK]

Thanks Devon. Yeah, I found out today through the coworker I believe I mentioned, that I did a lot more than I originally thought. Not only did I wake up her son, but he was awake until 6am. Not only does that mean she was awake too, but the entire following day, he was tired and constantly trying to fall asleep on her. She wasn't able to get anything done she intended for the entire day. The other main point I hadn't heard before was she was very against being the person that I end up drunk dialing in the middle of the night. (This was actually my first, and will be my last, occurance of that)


I would disagree with the smothered part though, I really am very chill about things. I put forth just as much effort as she does, I don't do more than that or smother her in any way. For example, most days we don't talk unless she texts me first. Most of those days though, i'm already going to see her in the afternoon, or have already spent time with her earlier, so I don't try to keep too much in contact.


The same coworker from before said she would call her tomorrow and talk to her about things. This wasn't done by my intentions, the coworker and my girl always talk about things like this between them, so this is a natural thing. I'm just lucky enough to receive a summary when this call does happen. Mainly, to see if she has made a decision about things and just hasn't told me. (Either: It's done and I haven't told him, or, we can be together still, I just need more time to be mad and show him i'm serious). And the second main point, is just to ensure she does let me know when she comes to a decision. I'm not really too worried about hearing from her if she's not done, she'll let me see her anger for however long she needs to, then it'll be obvious when she comes around. If she is done though, it'd be nice to know as soon as she's set on it. She is very blunt though, thankfully. I've known her for longer than these past 3 months and i've seen her make things blatantly obvious to others.

Lastly, we work together tomorrow night. She texted me after she left work asking if I could ask another cashier to work her shift, he couldn't. She texted again at 10 to see if I would let her be supervisor, I said yeah. Tomorrow will be kinda rough, I want to talk to her and all, especially knowing what I do now. That's why I let her be supervisor though, she'll stay busy and i'm stuck at the front. The only way we would talk is if she comes to me. I KNOW I would make the excuse to see her if I was the supervisor.

Well, that's all. Still being chill, still doing me.


Let me add one little detail, even if things are okay, I think i'll be pretty far down the ladder compared to where I was. We were talking about having sex for the first time in the very near future. A pretty big step for both of us, since it takes a lot for both of us to get to that level with someone, so I don't think too much good can come out of her finally having that trust and get to that level with me, just days prior to this.