I cry day and night

[SweetMessiah]

Hi fellow friends,

Even while writing this post I can't control my tears. There is no end to this misery, I know I have the right to be happy but I am just shattered with all the wrong accuses she has made on me. How can a person who claims to have true feelings for me and love me so much hurt me this bad.

I never understood the meaning of a break up and especially intense ones where people commit suicide and take other big steps. But today, I understand that pain completely. No matter how much I try to divert my mind or think about something else, I just end up realizing the fact that I am no longer with her and everything was just a dream.

Here are the details. Please it's a little long, I would request you to read it completely. I had to put in all the details to give a clear picture.

I was with this girl for close to 2 years. She had joined my Team in the Company and that's where I got to know her. Though she had a past behind her. When we met, she was in the process of separating from one guy whom she was married to for 1.5 years. They never stayed together and she told me about the problems. I wanted to help her and I supported her there. Anyway, her divorce happened and it was a big thing for me to roam around with a girl who is a divorce. But I never gave it a second thought since she was very really good to me and we started developing feelings for each other.

After a few months we started hanging out together and getting to know each other much better. She had so many good points about her which I wanted in a girl and I started considering her to be my life partner. She wanted the same.

However, there were a few shortcomings in both of us. We both are short tempered. We started working on it with each other, and though it was extremely difficult to control our emotions and not burst out on each other while fighting, we did start bringing about that change. So, it was effective and this motivated us to be with each other even more since things were really working the way they should.

Our frequencies matched so much, we supported each other a lot in things that we like. I would take interest in her hobbies and the kind of stuff she liked, and in the same way she did with me.

We did have a lot of fights, just as in any other relation, however we learned how to make up and patch up quickly and be back together to have fun.

BUT. There was always one big issue with her which I never really thought much about. It was her habit of changing her mind very often on big things. There were numerous instances, where she would completely contradict what she said a few days ago and then say, yeah now I feel different about this topic. So, I said, yeah it is possible for a person's views to change with time though a few days is too much but still it was ok. Then it became sort of a routine. there were so many instances, where either her opinion about people would change, or her opinion about stuff right from small things like movies to profession to people and almost everything started changing.

Even when we would make a plan for something, there were instances, where after few days, she would say something different. So, I discussed this with her nicely and explained it to her. I told her, that it bothers me, her habit of changing her words, her opinions and things like that. I asked her to think over it and try to understand that it's not a good habit to always keep changing your words. In some cases it can be a problem also.

Now, here's the thing. Right from our initial days, I told her one thing, that I would marry a girl who is ready to devote herself to family and managing house. That's my way of thinking and there are many people who think this way. It's not about forcing the girl, but I would prefer a girl who is willing to quit her job after marriage and give more importance to family and managing house and things like that. So, the first time I told her, her reaction was a little weird. Neither did she say NO straight away, she thought for a while and then said, but I won't have financial independence. I said, that's not the case, if you have trust on me and love me, you shouldn't be bothered. I gave her examples of our parents. Both of our parents have a similar family structure. Mothers are managing the house and looking after family and things like that.

So, I asked her very nicely in the beginning itself, that this is my point of view, so can you please let me know your thoughts over this since I would like to know this before considering big things like marriage. She said, yeah I am willing to quit my job, since I also understand that it won't be possible for me to manage the house and family at all along with the job.

Then, there were numerous instances when she would bring this topic up on her own, saying that now she feels that it is so difficult to manage the house and family and everything along with a job. She said, now I want to devote myself to family after marriage and it's not possible, at least for me to manage both. These things she told me at least a 1000 times. After hearing this from her so many times, I felt that ok, there's just everything right about this girl for me and I should look forward to marrying her.

I told her, we will plan about the marriage. I asked her, that how does she want to continue with her job for now? She said, I would like to work as much as I can before we get married so that I can also fulfill my dreams till the point we get married. I said, fair enough and my feelings for increased so much more seeing the fact that she is so understanding.

There were a few instances in between where she told me that she really likes her career a lot and before she met me, she never thought this way. She never imagined also that one day she would quit her job. However, she said, after meeting me and having discussions on this topic, she understands completely that it's not possible to manage both together.

I never ever forced her to take this decision as per my wish. It was almost like after that, she was the one who would bring up topics like, I would like to take care of our family this way, decorate house this way, wait for you till you come back from office, have fun on weekends. So, I was glad to know that she is happy with this decision of hers.

One day, she told me that she had a discussion with her friends at the hostel where she stays about career. Those girls said that we can never think of quitting our career. When she told them about her views, they said, are you sure you are ready to quit your career for your guy just because he likes it that way? They told her that she won't be comfortable after we get married and she has quit her job since she is used to this pattern of life.

She quoted me this incident. And I asked her very clearly and politely that you still have the time to think over this. I told her that her friends do have a correct point and you should not force yourself to do things which you don't like. Since, tomorrow, if we have fights or things like that, you will start feeling like you have nothing left with you. So please I don't want it to be this way. You take your own time to think about it. If you say, I want to work as much as I can before we get married, then fair enough, we will wait till that time. If you say, you can never quit your job, then be honest and tell me that now itself, I won't feel bad and instead will respect your honesty.

I told her that please don't say all this thinking that we cannot marry if you continue with your job. I don't want it to be that after we marry and then a few months later you start regretting that you quit the job. So, please be clear on that. But she kept saying, that I have just no problem with quitting the job.

She said, I don't want to work in Corporate Offices anymore. Rather I would take up something lighter where I don't have to follow the routine of day and night in office. I said, that's fair enough. We will look for all the possibilities. There are many job avenues where you can work from home as well. She said, I am interested in Interior Designing. I said, that's nice, then you can take it up once we get married.

She suggested me taking up Teaching in School, I said, all this is cool with me as well. Since, this is manageable and not much of a problem to our personal life as well.

From what I understand in a relation, if two people agree on one thing, then it should be good correct? We should not impose our opinion on each other. I followed this all through and it was like a perfect situation and everything was falling in place for me.

Now, for the past 1 month, there has been a lot of friction between us. It's not much of an issue since we do talk in between and we had decided to patch up back again. This Monday she called me up and said, can we meet up? I said, definitely it would be great to see each other after so long and we'll be like before.

I was so happy to get that call from her. However, after sometime, a little argument or friction was there over a small thing where she had changed her opinion. So, I said, you still do the same? Keep changing your mind. I said, your words will lose their value if you do like this, Please stick to your words/promises/plans, that would be good for our relation.

All good till this point? Then why the hell broke on me after that?

She drops me a message saying lots of weird stuff. She said, you have taken my independence away, why will I quit my job? I will continue with the job forever. I was taken a back. All through we had such a good understanding and everything was so good, then why she is saying all this today? So, I told her, don't you remember you said me all this before?

She said, yes, I remember that you asked me nicely and all that stuff. But fact is, I love my job and I will continue with it. She tells me, that I should have understood it and it's my problem. She says, I should adjust with this fact and accept it.

She tells me, how can you expect me also to quit my job after marriage? After working for so many years, how the hell can I sit at home? I will be so frustrated. It's just not possible. Yes, I know it was my mistake to not tell you before. But I feel, that there's nothing wrong in it. So, I am just expressing myself and this my decision.

I said, all through for 2 years, why you told me a different story and painted a different image about yourself? Don't you even remember that you had yourself told me all this? She says, yes, with guys like me this is the problem, we are over possessive, dangerous, we don't want our girls to talk to other guys, we just threaten the girls to stay back at home and work like a servant!!

I just couldn't control my emotions and tears came out. How could she tell me also all this wrong stuff? I still asked her, why is she saying all this? Are you ok, please take your time and think about it. She said, whatever it is, I have told you, nothing more.

I said, this is heights of changing your mind and views. We had such a good understanding over this. She said, no, I will continue with my job in Corporate and I love my job. It's my problem that I never understood her and I should have adjusted.

Anyway, I have nothing more to say. She broke my heart, just burnt it and threw away. Such stuff, I can't even imagine hearing from her.

No matter how much I make myself believe that this is what she told me and this is the truth, my heart just won't agree. How can a person change so much? How can she say such false stuff to me?

I tried reminding her a lot, that see, you are the one who told me all this and we had a good agreement over it. I had asked you to think over it, right in the beginning. She said, yeah my mistake for not telling you before, but now I have realized, it's not possible for me, so better to tell you now itself rather than delaying it.

I feel cheated here. We all have our own views of relation and dreams of a married life. We have the right to discuss with each other and present our views right in the starting itself. Based on that we come to a conclusion and stick to that.

I can't help, but ever since this has happened, it's been days and I can't control my emotions. Just one question, why she did all this??

SweetMessiah

[SweetMessiah]

Hi,

Can somebody please reply? I can't even sleep at night. It's 3:30 AM here and I am so freaking disturbed about this. How could she give me such false assurance? Just to keep me with her, she kept making false promises. I know her friends have a lot of influence on her and she stays in a girls hostel where most of the girls are extremely career oriented. We have been out of touch for close to 1 month, so she must have been very vulnerable in this period and her mind could easily be poisoned by her friends on this topic. But, I wanted a girl who would stick to her words and promises. She won't change her mind just because her friends tell her what she should do.

I can't ever get over this. I know there's no point in even contacting her since this is beyond repairs. But all the moments, where she would discuss with me about this, pretend to be so much in agreement with me and paint a false image of our married life, all those moments are just flashing in front of me non stop. I always thought it's fake what they show in movies, but no it's reality.

You give a person a false assurance for 1.5 years and then say whatever I told you till date was without thinking and I never meant it. She messaged me that night saying she's outside her hostel till 1 AM and having a great time with friends while I was crying so much. How could she just hurt me so much and move on with her life?

On this Monday itself she contacted me and said she wanted to meet me and wanted to see me and that she missed me so much. It had been a month since we had seen each other. But what for?

She always insisted on assurance about marriage to me. She said, that since she already had a bad past and was a divorce, she wanted some sort of assurance from me so that she could gain the confidence of her parents that I would marry her. I did everything to assure her and even till date, I tell her that I have not changed my words and I would love to marry her. But now I really wish, that I had always given her this assurance and one fine day told her, no it's not possible for me to marry you since you have a bad past behind you and how can you even expect me to marry you?

I really wish I had done that to her. I never give any sort of false assurance and once I have made a promise on something, I live up to it. But what did I get in return? I have never cried so much in my life.

I know, I should not contact her anymore. I tried restricting myself but then I picked up the phone to drop her message to let her know how much she has hurt me by changing altogether as a person. And I just realized she has blocked my number as well.

I can't even sleep, I feel like shit crying day and night and not eating anything, not doing anything. And she on the other hand is having a great time with her friends. How can someone be so cruel and moreover when they claim to love a person so much and have true feelings for them.

[Saya]

I understand that your heart broken, and I'm sorry for this to happen to you.

There's probably something wrong with her since she kept saying one thing and change her mind ALL the time. (I'm sure there is some kind of disorder, but I'm not sure what it is called)
How can you still want to be with her and have a future with that kind of person?
Do you actually know why she got divorced? I'm sure what she told you is not true
But anyway, what she did was wrong, but you deserve to be with someone better than her so you should just try to move on, try to forget about her.
If you did end up getting married to her, I'm sure same thing will happen over and over again.

[boobaa]

Breathe.

Don't live in the past. Do not live in the future. Concentrate on the moment, on a 1 millisecond moment, like an animal. This the way to direct, honest, and happy life.

[Fru]

What a bad situation. I am sorry you've been through such awful times.

I'm thinking that maybe she was never completely sure about the whole quitting her job thing. You said her initial reaction was weird and that she had to take a lot of time to think about it. My guess is that she initially decided that having a family with you was more important than her job. I know people will say anything to stay in love, even if it's not 100% true, they manage to convince themselves that it will be true in the future even if it's not now. But then, perhaps as time went on she began to think about it all and weighed the situation more, and decided that she wants to follow her own career instead. It's not right that she should lead you on, but it's also possible that she didn't mean to. Maybe she really believed she would be happy as a stay-at-home mom, but upon reflection found that it just wouldn't work for her.

In any case, it's shameful of her to gloat about having fun with her friends while you are in such pain. Taking pleasure in others' suffering is sometimes human nature, but it's always horrible.

Maybe you are better off with someone else, as much as it sucks to hear that it might just be true. Someone who really does share the same goals in life and the same views about raising a family. Some women don't want to stop doing what they love to raise a family, and there's nothing wrong with that (as long as they make sure their partner knows). Some women are only too happy to drop everything and take care of new kids. It depends on the person.

It sounds like she doesn't know her own mind. You should break it off, because it sounds like she can't be trusted to stick to her guns. Sounds like you really love her, so I am very sorry to hear of this.

[SweetMessiah]

Thanks for your kind replies.

I am not sure if this is some kind of disorder but it is definitely a personality problem. Since, this very Monday she called me up, sounded so polite and nice to me, taking interest in all my problems and trying to help me out. She even said she wanted to meet me and spend time together. Her feelings for me were as true as before and so many things like that. Then definitely, she doesn't even realize this fact that her change in decision was going to hurt me so bad. Because, if she did realize that, she would have discussed this with me in a very delicate manner. We would have come to some sort of conclusion. That was certain.

I guess, the major problem lies in the fact that she doesn't even realize that her change in this decision has a huge impact on me and has hurt me so much. It's almost natural for her to change her opinion and idea about something even after an year. How could that be even possible? We all know what we've been telling till date and if we end up contradicting ourselves, what does that say about us? I wish she was mature enough to understand this.

There were certain changes in her personality which were quite evident to me. It just hurts me so bad. I try not to think about all this but the flashes of all those good moments keep haunting me every time. We had planned to meet up this weekend and what it has come to. She didn't even bother once also to owe up to her mistakes and at least try and talk things out.

Yes I truly loved her so much. She also knew this that my love for her was so pure. But what did I get in return from her? In the past 1 month, infact she had initiated the contact more than me and it was she who had dropped more mails expressing her feelings for me and that how much she loved me.

So, yeah I am sure about one thing. Maybe she loved me a lot and just couldn't imagine her life without me and so she refrained from expressing her feelings in a true manner and her views about marriage life. This was her biggest mistake. No regrets and no remorse from her side after that. She almost said it like it's no big deal and she really didn't sound like she gives a damn about my feelings much either.

That night while I was crying so much, I requested her repeatedly to call me up and talk. I have this problem of stress attacks and sometimes when I get a lot of stress, I get those attacks. She is aware of this problem. So I dropped her those messages saying if she could call me up and it's urgent and that I am just not able to believe what she is telling me. She kept saying, it's not possible to talk at all.

This hurts more than anything. If I knew she wanted to talk to me urgently, I would have called her up. How can a person change so much in just 4 days? She was the one who contacted me on Last Sunday and this Monday to plan on meeting up, to express her feelings and she was the one who kept saying that her feelings for me were so true.

[hopegrace]

Hope that you found some peace and went to bed man!
I am very weak too I am under Cheating post.
But trust me sleep helps a lot!

[SweetMessiah]

Thanks. Yeah, I fall asleep either while sitting in front of my PC or just lying down on bed thinking of my good moments with her. I have a very irregular pattern of sleep now and it's making my health worse. She just changed completely and seems to have no sort of regrets and remorse. She finds it completely natural and wants me to accept it without any problem.

She is completely irrational. If a person criticizes one thing till date and today finds it completely ok, what does it tell us about that person? Only I know of the million instances when she discussed with me that how difficult it is to manage both family and job together and that how it's impossible for her to do both. There were a few other girls in office here including my own team, who had a very disturbed personal life and the reason they said was related to their career. As they were not able to devote any time to their own family and house was a total mess. She used to take example of those girls and tell me, that I don't want to screw up our personal life that way and will be devoted forever.

It's just driving me crazy how she could do it today? Today she says, there's nothing wrong in it and that it's my problem for not being cool that she wants to continue with her job. I mean wtf? What about the 2 years in between where you lied to me non stop. My simple question to her was, why till date you kept saying a different story to me? Should have kept it straight and clear to me right from beginning and not given any sort of false hope.

This is the point where I think no matter how much I love that person I cannot trust her again. Just left with one question, why she did this with me?!!!!!!!

[hopegrace]

You can never guess or know it.
I feel the same way as you do. I will even take some sleepaids tonight. It's getting late here, so I will try to rest.
Have some rest too!

[MaidenMinx]

It sounds to me that she was telling you what you want to hear. It appears to me that her long term choices were be a stay at home mum and wife or not be with you. For the first while the appeal of being with you was enough to make her compliant to giving up her job (which is something she didn't want to do I the beginning) but over time she realised how much she would be giving up and that she never wanted that, you did.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh and I personally think all those times she was saying it's so hard to manage work and home I think she was trying to say I can't do this! What type of boy friend were you? Did you expect the house shiney and clean when you get home from work with dinner on the table?

[SweetMessiah]

Calm down. I don't think you are understanding the situation. First read it completely before stating your views. Read other people's reply above. They all understand what happened, so I guess you are missing something.

It's not an act of dominance if you think by any chance. You think, I was pushing my views on her? If that's the case, then looks like you got nothing from my post above. That's why I said, Read it, else don't leave a comment without understanding, ok?

We all have our own goals in life and our own views of a married life. Is there something wrong with that? What is required in a relation, understanding between 2 people, correct?

You think, I am hurt that she always wanted to work and be career oriented!! NO! If that was the case, I just wanted her to tell me, what she really wanted. You get it? Yes, like you have yourself written, She was just saying what I wanted to hear. Well, so whose fault is it? Is it mine?

What do you expect in a relation from your partner? That just the way you express your feelings, the same way they also do right instead of just giving you something you want!

[SweetMessiah]

And think twice before saying, what type of a boyfriend I am, ok?

I don't think you have a right to hurt someone's feelings with your bad comments just because they don't match your views of married life. I have no problem with a girl who is working or having fun in her life. There are certain views and concerns I had, which I had discussed with her. And if she really wanted something, all I ever wanted from her was to tell me that honestly and then we would have worked out a solution. Do you get my point?

The very fact that after reading my entire post, you think it's all OK, that just shows you will be the kind of person who is OK with the fact that your partner goes against their promises after 2 years? Maybe when something like that happens to you, we'll see how logical you are that time!

Please if you don't understand the problem, I request you not to leave bad comments and hurt more. There are several understanding people, who understood the situation and they understand where I got hurt. If you don't, I request you not to leave bad comments like these. I have been a very nice boyfriend to her and given her all my Love.

When she said, she wanted to quit the job and that's it her own wish, she said, she would like to take up something lighter after marriage. Did I say NO to that? I was the one who asked her what she wanted and agreed to that. She said, she wanted to take up teaching in a school/college or something like that. I was completely ok with it. Then today, she says something entirely opposite of that.

It's about contradicting your own views. I don't understand how someone can be so OK with a person who contradicts their own views entirely.

[hopegrace]

Hi are you SweetMessiah?
I hope that your pain is going away millimeter by millimeter from your heart and soul.
Did you sleep, eat?
You have to be among people. It does help,trust me. I was a wreck in the morning, but forced myself to get up and went to school. It is so much easier here. I even smiled I know that saddness will crush me on my drive home but we have to be stronger people!!! Cheer up!

Sorry for personal question, but where are you from?

[MaidenMinx]

I think there are 2 sides to every story and reading yours made me wonder what hers is. If you want to hear only what you want to hear, this isn't the forum for it.