Can a guy and girl really be just BEST friends?

[ceciliaxoxo]

I've fallen in love plenty of times. I've been in two very serious relationships , and both times I was heartbroken, the second time probably beyond repair. But that's not the story I wanna talk about right now.

I went back to school this fall, probably because I had been lost for a year and I needed to focus on something else than my personal life... therefore giving a clear path to my professional one seemed like the best idea. I honestly did not expect to make any friends, because this was a one-year formation and all I wanted out of it was a diploma and a job. It turns out I met some of the most amazing people and that they helped me through what I now know was depression in the last couple of months.

One of those people is a guy. He was amazing. He listened to my problems and he honestly helped me deal with them. Not only that but he made me laugh when I needed to, he took me out when he say my mood was going down, and he has been nothing but supportive in all of my decisions and choices. We text, call, chat and of course talk all the time. Rumors in the class have started that we are of course dating, but there is not one inch of truth in that...

Because he has a girlfriend. He has a smart, beautiful and nice girlfriend. Before him and I became the best of friends, he told me he was even thinking of marrying her. And boy does she love him...

But ever since him and I became best friends... things have become shaky between them. They have been fighting a lot. As a friend, I decided that I was gonna help him get past through the fights they had. One day he told me they broke up because he couldn't take the lack of trust on her behalf. I told him this was dumb, because I understood everything she had doubts about. The day after they were back together.

But now I am realizing that I might actually be falling for this guy. I honestly don't really know because I have NEVER felt this way for anyone before. I have never had the urge to randomly text a guy in the middle of the day for a silly picture, never had someone I could call when I was crying, never really wanted to depend on a person so badly. He is the closest person I am to right now. And I know I am that person for him too. We haven't spent one day without talking to one another. My number appears a million times on his phone bill (I went abroad for a weekend, and he spent 30 euros in roaming charges!!!). He calls me late at night to go drinking with him until the early hours of the morning. He comes for dinner to my place at least once a week. He rarely mentions his girlfriend but he does it occasionally. We sometimes talk about the guy I'm seeing. But most of the times we laugh about silly things, we discuss sex, family, the future. And when we do there is never one awkward silence, never one uncomfortable moment.

So... the question is... are we really just friends or are we kidding ourselves? Am I just attracted to him because right now he's the only guy that hasn't disappointed me lately? I'm getting really confused about my feelings for him, and his feelings for me!

Help? I know this was long, but I really need an answer. Let's make one thing clear. Whatever happens, I hope this guy stays in my life forever.

[bulrush]

You are attracted to him because you are grateful for his help, nothing more. He went out of his way to help you during your time of need. It was nice of him, but it has nothing to do with compatibility for a relationship. He has a girlfriend. If he's not in an open relationship, you should stay away and make sure nothing awkward happens.

[Drumzzz]

i experienced something similar

i had a depression and there was this one girl who i really got along with
(i had know her for over 3 years)
we had good conversations and we started to miss eachother if we were not together
she had a boyfriend so i really didn't want to mess up things
after getting closer and closer we both gave in to it

this week we were 'together' for 2 months, but she still hasn't decided if she wants me or her boyfriend

this was the first time someone told me she loved me, couldn't miss me, ...
the insecurity really starts taking it's toll
i know i should just break up, but there are a lot more details to it than just this
i just can't

this story may start beautiful (as i know it) but it really gets less beautiful towards the end (now)

if he has a girlfriend but expresses his feelings for you, you're in deep shit
think if you really want to know... but if you do, prepare yourself

i hope you understand what i'm trying to say

[Riku]

I agree with bulrush. I think if you really care about him and you have such a great relationship as it is (and you are both seeing other people) you need to push these feelings out of your mind. Keep in mind that most great friendships will outlast your relationships so if you honestly want to be his friend and have him in your life for a really long time, you have that opportunity. Trying to get into a relationship with him could be something that would eventually end everything.

[sara_skirter]

A dude at my computer course is my best ffriend in the class. He made a pass at me pretty early but because i am married of course i said 'let's just be friends'.

[skeeziix]

This is a tough one really, I guess I would wait it out for a while and see how it goes. I am assuming if his gf is insecure because of you two there is probably something going on to make her feel that way, which will probably eventually drive him to leave her. But that also doesn't guarantee that he will come crawling to you. And if you say anything to him it might scare him away from you???

[ceciliaxoxo]

Let's be clear here. I am NOT planning to steal him away from his girlfriend. 1) I have way too much respect for her 2) I have been cheated on twice, and I am against every side of it 3) i would lose all the respect i have for him if it was so easy. I helped him through one of their biggest fights ever. I do not want him to break up with her for me. If it happens organically then I won't force them to get back together, but right now this isn't the problem I have.

No all I am trying to figure out is what his feelings are for me. I mean can a guy really care for you that much with only platonic intentions? Would a guy go out of his way to pick you up in traffic from a place that's an hour away from him? Would he randomly talk to you late at night just to chat? etc...

Still confused.

[Riku]

I mean can a guy really care for you that much with only platonic intentions? Would a guy go out of his way to pick you up in traffic from a place that's an hour away from him? Would he randomly talk to you late at night just to chat? etc...

Yes, yes and yes. If he is your friend yes he may do all of those things and they in no way mean he has any feelings for you. Stop searching for signs that he likes you and just be his friend. If you really respected his relationship that much you wouldn't be wasting so much energy on this.

[IndiReloaded]

I mean can a guy really care for you that much with only platonic intentions? Would a guy go out of his way to pick you up in traffic from a place that's an hour away from him? Would he randomly talk to you late at night just to chat? etc...

Yes he likes you more than 'just friends'. You don't need us to tell you this, you just want the e-rush of having it confirmed. So there you go.

Now that you know, I wonder what you will do about it? Will you have the strength to set proper boundaries? That late night chatting needs to stop. It is very disrespectful to his present relationship. IMO, you need to back off until he breaks up with his GF. Don't contribute to that process in any way or it will come back to bite you later.

Remember: reputation is what other people think of you, but honour is what you know about yourself. Good luck.

[sadie_genie]

Indie puts it very nicely.

I think putting an end to the constant contact is the right thing to do. If you are really that important to him, he would choose you over his gf. If you choose to entangle yourself in this love triangle, it will get messy. Even if you don't intend to cause drama, his girlfriend will.

[oneandonly]

......If you choose to entangle yourself in this love triangle, it will get messy. Even if you don't intend to cause drama, his girlfriend will.

.... and who can blame her?!

[Leona77]

I was in a similar situation...Luckily, I stopped all contact when I realized some other feelings were starging to develop and when he repeatedly lied to his girlfriend (now his wife) about the number of times he called me or skyped me or met me...I refused to take part in anything that would cause any harm to their relationship. It was difficult,painful and sad because we shared such nice comunnication and friendship,but it was the right thing to do & I never regretted my decision. Staying friends would have been selfish and inappropriate.

You should stay away.Period.That's the honoruable thing to do. What happens after that is not something you should anticipate or think about right now. Just move on and find yourself somebody free to share all this experiences with.

[ceciliaxoxo]

Thank you all for your help. I will definitely do my best to stop all the flirting but you should know that 1) he is still one of my best friends and I dont think I can just let him go. 2) I cant really just stop contact with him as we are in the same class in school and in a lot of work groups together.
It's tough to avoid someone you see and talk to every day. What I will do is stop hanging out with him one on one, or at least till I feel like we have reached a less ambiguous relationship...

[Gypsybell]

You've fallen into a trap and it boils to ethics. You need to back away from this personal involvement and see it for what it is.

A great bloke helped you get through a bad time by being socially supportive, along with others in a class room setting. Immediately that sets you in a common interest zone and people who share a learning experience often get closer faster than in other situations (try sharing a massage course where everyone chooses a partner for the course and takes turns being either the massager, or the body, being intimately explored, everywhere EXCEPT intimately. And yes, with their clothes off!) Trust and sharing can be a heady experience in this hothouse environment. (Imagine how that affects actors in a love story). But it depends on personal integrity as to whether ethics get breached.

You know he is neglecting his girl to be spending that much time with you and that if it continues you will be responsible for breaking them up. Not the act of a friend. Do what you will, but be aware of what you are doing and don't try to sugar coat it. Back off or take the advantage and grab her man. Just know that you will certainly lose the good feeling in the process.

[Kaius]

The only way a man and woman can be best friends is if neither is sexually attracted to the other. They can have innocent crushes, but nothing hot and heavy.... that would ruin the friendship.
My first day of college I met a girl, and she had some really nice boobs.... I was attracted to her. But as we became friends, the attraction turned into deep friendship.
There was a time during the summer we lived together, and she would walk around in bra and panties, and I wouldn't even look at her... no sexual chemistry at all.
To this day we are still good friends...19 years later.