How to solve/handle this disagreement?

[HereComesTheSun]

Thankyou so much for your help. I admit, i dont know how to communicate too well, my dad used to tell me that all the time. I find myself shutting down easily too if i dont feel like i am being heard or unfairly treated.

But with him, i feel i DO try everything. I usually do say how i feel when he acts a certain way.. I will say something like "Babe, i just feel hurt and unnapreciated when you ___.. I wish that sometimes you would just ___" His response will ALWAYS be "Babe, you are just been so stupid, you need to smarten up.. Or Babe, i love you dont be silly".
Then il act all cute and innocent and loving, he responds much better to this way. Il sit on him, kiss his face and kind of as you say try to strategize my way through to getting him to talk to me. But as soon as talking starts he pushes me away.

Il keep trying then it just goes in the way of me shutting down and acting pissy, then he will be mad at me for that.. its like a vicious circle its just so frustrating!!
He would never consider couples therapy, he says it is for married couples..

I always get the feeling he just doesnt care about us. He seriously does act that way, but if i ever try to leave or say i have had enough he will beg me back and tell me how much he loves me and cares about me and will work to make us work. But it never sticks..

After i posted this today, we ended up having a big blow up too.. Things just are really bad between us right now and i dont know how to fix it I feel like i am doing it on my own. He just thinks he is in the right and has nothing to talk about..

[HereComesTheSun]

Oh and when i did see it the first time. I was shocked, but we did have a good laugh about it, kissed abit i had a look around It wasnt a big deal until he said the things he did.. He just came out with.. "Im keeping it like this though babe.." So it kinda seemed to me like it wasnt the mistake he had made it out to be.. Ugh

[Wakeup]

But with him, i feel i DO try everything. I usually do say how i feel when he acts a certain way.. I will say something like "Babe, i just feel hurt and unnapreciated when you ___.. I wish that sometimes you would just ___"

That ^^^ is just a disguised "You" statement.

Read this link (courtesy of Heartisaching): ~ [url=http://www.healthyliving.org/hpc/Articles/IStatements.html]I-Statements[/url]

I always get the feeling he just doesnt care about us. He seriously does act that way, but if i ever try to leave or say i have had enough he will beg me back and tell me how much he loves me and cares about me and will work to make us work. But it never sticks..

Then, You need to effectively communicate to him that you will not tolerate the dysfunction any longer and that things need to change or you're not going to stick around to be unhappy all the time.

You guys sound young, this is likely not going to be your last relationship so if you're not happy with him then leave and read some literature on how to communicate or, chill and read it while you're still in the relationship and learn while within. Just know what you want and if it's too much to bear his indifference then say ciao, grieve the end of the relationship and when you're healed, pick someone who you can reason with.

[

Oh and when i did see it the first time. I was shocked, but we did have a good laugh about it, kissed abit i had a look around It wasnt a big deal until he said the things he did.. He just came out with.. "Im keeping it like this though babe.." So it kinda seemed to me like it wasnt the mistake he had made it out to be.. Ugh

There you go changing your story yet again.

Good luck, read books on how to resolve conflict and the art of communication and if it doesn't work with him you'll be all that more educated with the next one.

[HereComesTheSun]

That ^^^ is just a disguised "You" statement.

Read this link (courtesy of Heartisaching): ~ [url=http://www.healthyliving.org/hpc/Articles/IStatements.html]I-Statements[/url]

Then, You need to effectively communicate to him that you will not tolerate the dysfunction any longer and that things need to change or you're not going to stick around to be unhappy all the time.

You guys sound young, this is likely not going to be your last relationship so if you're not happy with him then leave and read some literature on how to communicate or, chill and read it while you're still in the relationship and learn while within. Just know what you want and if it's too much to bear his indifference then say ciao, grieve the end of the relationship and when you're healed, pick someone who you can reason with.

[
There you go changing your story yet again.

Good luck, read books on how to resolve conflict and the art of communication and if it doesn't work with him you'll be all that more educated with the next one.

lol I just added that because when i read over it, it just seemed like i freaked out about it..Which i really didnt at first. But i reacted in the wrong way when he mentioned thats how he wanted his body to be..

And thankyou so much for that link, that is so helpful! I see what you mean about the disguised 'you' statements, i thought i was doing well at trying to communicate.. Damn. lol But thanks for clearing that up, i am definitely going to practise this with him and even just talk to him about trying to communicate together so we can improve and not get ourselves upset like we do.
I also think that he doesnt take me seriously, which is completely my fault. We have had so many arguments and me saying if u dont change im leaving and then me not left.. Which is why i am scared he wont listen now.. But then i wont be able to go back on my word..if that makes sense..
I am going to try my hardest, because we do get along well other than our disagreements like this. Thankyou SO much.

[asdfg789]

@OP, both of you are still relatively young and your tastes, preferences will continue to evolve. Just because he did everything to please you in the past does not mean he will necessarily continue to do so. But it may not be a bad thing cos he needs to be comfortable with who he is, what he is etc and not just be doing things to please you.

So, if you want this relationship to last, you need to be prepared for changes as long as it is not something that is destructive to the relationship. After a while, he will probably get sick of being a 'baldy' and return to his original state. If he doesn't, so what ? is it something worth breaking up over ? That, you have to decide.

[ices]

Why don't you just try to be positive. Tell him what you like. "I like it when...". At odd moments. Not in a 'talk' as such, just passing mentions/praise of what he is doing. Ignore the negative for the time. Give him some positive reinforcement. It strikes me that you are all about what he is doing that is wrong for you and you are doing everything for him. Have you considered the pressure this would put on him. Perfection is unattainable and it is pointless to try and foist that need on someone else.

[MerryH]

i just didnt understand why he would shave when he knew i didnt like it..

Because he likes to hurt you and make you feel small and worthless and unimportant? It's pretty obvious, I think. Remember how he shoves, hits, and bites you, among other things? It's a continuation of that. So was his "you're not skinny" comment. I don't think there's anything else to it. Why do you think it's anything other than that?

[HereComesTheSun]

Because he likes to hurt you and make you feel small and worthless and unimportant? It's pretty obvious, I think. Remember how he shoves, hits, and bites you, among other things? It's a continuation of that. So was his "you're not skinny" comment. I don't think there's anything else to it. Why do you think it's anything other than that?

This is what i worried it could be about... But we came so far from that horrible situation we were in, we havnt fought like that in a long time and he hasnt done anything to that extreme since i used to come on here. I kind of worried this could be some of his anger and resentment surfacing again and worry that it could return to our old ways. I have tried SO hard to make things better, and for a long time it was perfect again like we first were.. But now i feel like the only reason we are okay again is because i do everything his way and how he wants it..
I kind of feel we could very well slip down that road we were once stuck in. As right now, i feel greatly unnapreciated.. After coming on here last time, i became more independant than i had ever been. I got a better paying job, got my own place, driving license and car. Now i sometimes feel like he is using me in a sense. Which is what i mean when i say i do everything for him. I take him to work, pick him up, take him anywhere he needs to go..And all i want from him is appreciation.
I guess i had been feeling like this for a while then this particular situation got me worried so i came here.

I know lots of people will just say leave him, which is maybe what i should be doing.. But it just doesnt feel in my heart the right thing to do.

[Wakeup]

^^^ well, that's a whole nuther ball game now isn't it.

If he has a history of abusing you physically then I have to say that perhaps he's graduated to only verbally, mentally and emotionally abusing you. No one can convince you to leave him if you're not ready but I will tell you that it's hardly a happy union if you're the only one who ever puts in any effort and you're walking on egg shells ALL of the time to keep the thing together.

Think hard on this. Do you want to do what you do and go through what you go through for the rest of your life? Do you want a father to your children that will consider it your job to do EVERYTHING that it takes to raise happy, healthy, well adjusted children while he also expects you to do everything to keep him happy as well. What about you? Who makes sure you're being loved and appreciated and equally valued?

After coming on here last time, i became more independant than i had ever been. I got a better paying job, got my own place, driving license and car.

Well done. Now, tell him something like this: "I feel under appreciated and feel I have to try all the time when this should be easy peasy while we both feel loved." If he doesn't come around to wanting to please you, then think hard whether or not you can do what you're doing now ~ forever.

Good luck in getting him to stop being so self absorbed. Start by stopping being a martyr to him.

[MerryH]

But now i feel like the only reason we are okay again is because i do everything his way and how he wants it..

Yeah, you're probably right. You avoid being abused by not ever doing anything "wrong" or having your own opinion, and just acting the way he wants you to act. Do you think this is healthy? Is this good for you?

I know lots of people will just say leave him, which is maybe what i should be doing.. But it just doesnt feel in my heart the right thing to do.

Count me as one of those people who say just leave him. If leaving him doesn't feel right in your heart, then maybe your heart is wrong in this case. Seriously, hearts can make really stupid decisions. Hearts have no common sense. They are basically retarded. Your brain is a better judge. Use your brain.

[MerryH]

nuther

"Nuther" is not a word.

[rafterman]

"Nuther" is not a word.

Who Fvcking cares.......you get the point, you meat head. Get a life

[rafterman]

. Use your brain.

Practice what you preach....shweeetheart.

[HereComesTheSun]

Thanks for all the advice, it is greatly appreciated.

I thought long and hard about the advice i received here, i see that shouldnt be doing everything the way he wants it.. My best friend is always preaching about how i shouldnt be a pushover to him.. At first i didnt see it like that. He doesnt drive, he lost his license due to a DUI. When i passed my test and got my car, he was upset and thought i was going to leave him and start a new life. I promised him this wasnt the case and that it would be good for us, i could get him to work and save us a lot of money, be able to see him more often as i could pick him up etc...
It has gotten to the point of me stringing myself trying to get him places.. Making myself late to work, stopping the things i need to do to pick him up, taking him and his roomate to places they need to be etc.. I didnt care at first but all i wanted was appreciation. We were good for a while. but now i feel he is using me.. He doesnt come to visit me until about 10.30 at night then just wants to go to bed, then wants a ride to work in the morning. Thats all i see of him lately.

I was thinking about it and invited him over last night to watch a movie. He said he would be over at 7, to see my daughter before she went to bed and to watch a movie. When i asked him, he asked if he could get a ride in the morning. I said, maybe not this time, it was a pain in the ass and made me late. So he said okay i understand. I was happy about it and would have probably given him a ride when it came to it.
It gets to 9pm, i call and ask where he was. He said he was chilling out, so i asked if he was coming to see me and he asked if i would give him a ride.. So i said no. And he replied that he wasnt going to make it.

It hurt, it always seems like unless he gets something out of seeing me, that he wont come see me. So i told him not to bother and hung up. He ended up walking over and showing up unexpected, i was pretty happy about it and we ended up having a good night. This morning he woke up in a mood, he said he couldnt believe i was making him get a cab and it was nice to see how much i cared. I told him that i felt used lately, like he didnt want to see me unless he got a ride. He got angry at me and told me to f*ck off. Said what was the point in the relationship when thats how i felt.. So i tried to explain if he just acted in a way i wouldnt feel like that i would be more obliged to give him rides etc.

He left, and i got a text message straight away saying 'This isnt how a relationship should be, we might as well just split so please dont talk to me again x'.
I feel bad for not taking him to work but now i feel even more like he is just using me.. And now i have shown a little bit of resistance to his orders that he doesnt want to be with me.. Ugh I dont know why he has to be like this

Sorry for babbling.. I just dont know what to think anymore, if i am over reacting or what is going on..

[Wakeup]

Well, he's just proved to you that the only value he has for you is what you can do for him. Let him sit on the back boiler for a while while he gets a cab to work every single day and maybe he'll appreciate how good you were to him and stop taking you for granted.

Why do you want him in your life Herecomesthesun? What loving actions does he show you that would prove that he is worth wanting to be with? Why do you want him? Why do you think it's okay for your daughter to see you upset and catering to the ungrateful whims of an asshole?