How to solve/handle this disagreement?

[HereComesTheSun]

My partner and I are having quite a strange disagreement, it seems like a silly petty fight to close friend who i have told. Maybe it is, but it is really getting on my nerves.
I wanted to come here and ask what someone elses opinions or if anyone has any advice it would be great..

So i really love men with a decent amount of hair. Its my preference, i am actually really turned off by a man with no pubic hair, chest hair etc.. My partner has the perfect amount, we have talked about how much i love how he looks and how much i would dislike it if he shaved.
Well 2 days ago, he shaved everything off. Pubes, ass, stomach, chest. He took his clothes off before telling me and i was honestly kind of shocked. I reacted in the wrong way, i know i did. I asked him why he would do that when he knows exactly how much of a turn off for me it is.. I also asked if it was for someone else.. Wrong way to react i know.

We were discussing it, i said i still love him and are attracted to him, but i just didnt understand why he would shave when he knew i didnt like it..
I used an example of me, he dislikes bigger girls, i would say im pretty average. 5'3 115lbs. I asked how he would feel if i purposely put on weight knowing he would dislike it.. His answer was.. 'You are not skinny'.
I was so hurt by this, i worked my ass off to get to my weight i am after having my daughter. I was beginning to feel sexy around him and now i feel like a fat pig..

Now we are both hurt, i am upset with him and feeling stubborn about it all after his remark... I was trying to say i loved him just how he is, i felt he was saying he wants me to change.

I am not sure how to take this, its making me angry to be honest and it feels stupid that it has all started over some shaved pubes.
Any advice? Thanks for listening.

[devonbrown]

First off, he said that you were not skinny. He didn't say you were fat. That is how you were interpreting it. Maybe he thought you were saying you were skinny and he was trying to say that you were just the right size but it came out wrong. That is possible.

But as for the shaving everything off, I guess I don't really understand why he would want to do that. Yes, he knows your preference, but I don't think he necessarily was thinking about you when he did it. Personally, I would not be surprised if he did it for someone else, because that is really a drastic behavior. But that other person might be him. Think about who tends to shave their chest - bodybuilders, professional wrestlers, etc. People who want other people to look at them and at their physiques. It is a bit of a narcissistic behavior and narcissistic behavior is normally not very good for a relationship with someone else.

As for the shaving his pubes, unless he is planning on starring in some adult entertainment, I am not really understanding why he would do that. Why did he tell you he did it?

By the way, all of this advice changes if he is a teenager. He might have shaved everything just because everything is still new and confusing and he was curious. Puberty does that to people.

Good luck.

[HereComesTheSun]

Thanks for the reply, we are both 21 years old. I have had gotten an inclin before that he is very selfish.. Just some of the things he does, is always thinking about himself in a way... But i overlooked it, thinking it was possibly all mens behaviour. lol
I did maybe take his statement in the wrong way, he apologised for it but i just couldnt shake the upset feeling i got, i teared up when he said that and he acted really apologetic.. But now it is always on my mind. Things that never bothered me before, watching porn, looking at nude mags etc.. Now are really bothering me and i feel ugly to him.

As for the shaving, i just cannot get my head around why on earth he would do it.. He literally took EVERYTHING off. It was shocking to say the least when he pulled down his pants..
We bought an electric shaver for his head/face so he could touch up himself without me putting the clippers to it every other week.. He said he was just touching up and grooming, when he went too far and when he had shaved abit, he had to keep going as it was looking uneven and silly.. To the point when everything was off.
I dont know if it was for someone else.. I am 100% sure he isnt cheating, but i have the worry he might be planning on doing so... I just dont understand it..

Where should i go from here? If i try to talk to him about it, he gets defensive and pissed off. Saying its stupid we have to even talk about it and i should love how he looks, hair or not. Which i agree with. But I know i keep myself exactly how he likes me.. Blonde hair, nice weight, tanned, nails done.. I dont understand why he would go against my preferences.. I dont know how to feel better about myself after what he said... And i dislike the worry that i have about his strange behaviour

[Wakeup]

As for the shaving, i just cannot get my head around why on earth he would do it.. He literally took EVERYTHING off. It was shocking to say the least when he pulled down his pants..

His reply:

He said he was just touching up and grooming, when he went too far and when he had shaved abit, he had to keep going as it was looking uneven and silly..

He told you why he shaved it all off: WTF don't you believe him? You're making a mountain out of a mole hill and your causing YOURSELF to hang onto a totally negative emotional response when you don't have to. You're making your rude remark to him about you and your insecurity and indignation is probably exactly what he wanted to accomplish because you hurt his feelings he wanted to get you back and let you know how your words can hurt just as much as his can... Immature on both your parts. Now, forget it. He didn't say you were fat. Everything you're conjuring up in your head over that remark is your own thoughts (not his). Stop reacting with so much unnecessary drama. Don't give it another thought and remember that his bush will grow back soon enough. Drama, drama, drama.. blech!

[HereComesTheSun]

His reply:

He told you why he shaved it all off: WTF don't you believe him? You're making a mountain out of a mole hill and your causing YOURSELF to hang onto a totally negative emotional response when you don't have to. You're making your rude remark to him about you and your insecurity and indignation is probably exactly what he wanted to accomplish because you hurt his feelings he wanted to get you back and let you know how your words can hurt just as much as his can... Immature on both your parts. Now, forget it. He didn't say you were fat. Everything you're conjuring up in your head over that remark is your own thoughts (not his). Stop reacting with so much unnecessary drama. Don't give it another thought and remember that his bush will grow back soon enough. Drama, drama, drama.. blech!

Thankyou for the reply, this is what i was fearing. I did think i was making something out of nothing.. But it doesnt feel that way.. That was his reply and answer he gave me.. But other things he said made me think otherwise. He said he doesnt want it to grow back and is going to keep it all off whether i like it or not, that its the way he wants it no matter what i think about it.

I know it does sound silly of me.. But we have problems in our relationship, one of the things that i absolutely loved about him and made up for all the bad, is that he always wanted to please me. He always made a big deal of doing things to make me happy, striving to do things i liked.
It just feels like all that is changing, like he doesnt care what i like or dont anymore.. Yet i feel i do everything he wants because i strive to make him happier..
I dont know. Maybe its just stupid.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a selfish bitch, and just really stupid to boot. SMH.


Eat glass.

[HereComesTheSun]

You're a selfish bitch, and just really stupid to boot. SMH.


Eat glass.

lol Thanks. I wish i was harsh enough to earn the title bitch. Because believe me, sadly im not.
I do everything i can to keep my man happy, i compromise everything so we are both happy with the choices we make. It would just be nice to get something in return. Thanks for your lovely comment though.

[HereComesTheSun]

Im sorry.. i just need someone to go to for help... I have so many things i want to know how to handle my relationship.. How to communicate in the best possible way to him so we dont take things in the wrong way etc.. My relationship is is turmoil and i dont know what to do about it anymore..
Its not really about the shaving that is my problem.. Its the fact i feel like im doing everything for us.. and he isnt making an effort.

Sorry.. I just dont know where else to turn but you guys.. Most of you always give great answers.

[Cerby]

How long have you been together?

[HereComesTheSun]

How long have you been together?

Around 2 and a half years now.

[Cerby]

Ok, so you're feeling all the problems starting to ball up and come out as small conflicts. Have you sat down and had the old "State of the Union"? Aired out that you have some concerns with things, find out what his issues are, and take steps to correct them together?

Communication is the first step, you need to relay that there are problems deeper than the current conflict.

[HereComesTheSun]

Ok, so you're feeling all the problems starting to ball up and come out as small conflicts. Have you sat down and had the old "State of the Union"? Aired out that you have some concerns with things, find out what his issues are, and take steps to correct them together?

Communication is the first step, you need to relay that there are problems deeper than the current conflict.

This is what i desperately want.. I want to talk to him, find out what he feels and wants. I know he has problems concerning our relationship, i know he is starting to act unhappy. I am too.. I desperately want him to know how i feel and what i mean when i say things.. But anytime i want to talk, he doesnt want to discuss anything. I try my best to bring things up in the happiest manner, but he says i am just bringing unnessasary things up when we are over the arguement. I will try by starting off with admitting what i do wrong and asking how he would like me to fix it, but he shrugs everything off..

I try bring it up when we are getting along, he says there is no point dragging problems up for no reasons. When i try when we are moody with each other, he says he doesnt want to talk to me. I feel lost for what to do.. I feel like he is being unfair and selfish.. Sometimes i feel like things are only okay in our relationship because i do EVERYTHING he wants..

Like, i wonder maybe i am just not communicating in the right way.. or is it him just being plan unfair and nasty. Im lost TBH.

[Cerby]

Takes two to tango. But when it comes to communicating what you feel, don't take "no" as an answer. If this fails, resort to female trickery, take him somewhere where you're alone and talk to him.

If he still won't talk to you about your issues, then you're left with:

a) Couples Counselling
b) Leaving him

Option A is better, but if its clear the road is getting rockier and rockier, and he doesn't want to help smooth it over with you, then B will happen, one way or the other.

[Wakeup]

You are'nt communicating in the right way. Instead of asking him what he wants you to do to make things better, why don't you tell him how you're feeling instead. Use lots of "I" words and avoid "you" words that will just put him on the defensive and make him shut down. Don't let him dismiss you anymore. Don't take on all the responsibility for the discontent but don't put all the blame on him either.

You didn't mention that he said he wasn't going to grow himself back in until you were prompted. Why would you need to be pushed before revealing that direct stubborness from him. You only revealed that when you were called out on your behaviour so you're not communicated very well to us either. He told you why he did it and I think he just reacts negatively to your reaction. Don't take everything so seriously and try to infuse a bit of humour in your disapproval of his manniquin like appearance. A: "whoa, hello baldy, what have you done?" with a giggle would have gone over a lot better than: "What the hell is that and why did you do than when you know I hate it?" Ya see? I find when a guy won't communicate then you have to strategize it outta him.

[Cerby]

I find when a guy won't communicate then you have to strategize it outta him.

The technical term is "Female Trickery".