Ladies, what is going on here?

[kajinn]

Back story: I was hanging out with this girl, things were going good then her ex called out of the blue and messed her up. She slightly recovered from it and decided she wants to keep things the way they were between us (hanging out, going on dates, having fun, sleeping together). However, she has become noticeably less interested in me since this phone call. We've still had some fun but she is extremely unreliable compared to before. He is out of her life again now (he called, f-ed up our situation and then blocked her phone number), so it isn't about her seeing him again. She said she isn't ready for a committed relationship from this ex situation and I said that is fine, I'm not in a hurry and I have fun with her, I don't mind getting to know her better before we take things more seriously anyway. But it is really hard to get her to hangout... yet when we do she is completely absorbed into me, loves cuddling, tangles up into me when we watch a movie etc. I've backed off a lot since that phone call, giving her space, texting her less, not asking her to hangout as often. This did not bring back much attraction and she is still sketchy, yet she still texts me first every single day (this was part of me backing off, not initating texts anymore). Also maybe important to note, I was having an off day this past Wednesday and told her about it. She was concerned, she asked me if there was anything she could do, and she really wanted to do whatever she could to help me out. She ended up coming over and spending the night for the first time ever during the middle of the week. She usually sleeps over one night on the weekend, but never during the week (this impressed me).

What the hell???? Why does she continue to text me (initiate texts) and chit chat but is so unreliable and shows little initiative to hang out... forcing me to make all the moves all the time, and even when I do she frequently turns me down with excuses, albeit reasonable, still excuses (if spending time with me mattered a bit more, being tired or getting up early wouldn't be such a big problem that she can't come over for an hour or 2... especially since it was never a problem before the phone call)? Yet sometimes she cares so much and tries to make me feel better when I am down? This girl is so confusing I am so about ready to tell her to just leave me alone because I can't figure out/handle her mixed signals, but I really don't want that. What is going on in her head? How does she feel about me? And how should I handle this situation? I really want to tell her all this stuff that I am thinking but at the same time I don't want to push her away. I like this girl and I want to progress our relationship, at least to the point where she makes more of an attempt to spend time withe me... please help this keeps weighing on my mind and is very distracting.

[gigigi]

if you are sure that she isn't in contact with the ex anymore, then i don't think you can necessarily chalk this all up to one phone call (unless it was especially momentous- hard to say without knowing what they talked about?). it sounds like you and she have got your signals crossed. if she's not acting distant or angry with you in some way, then i would guess she doesn't think there's anything wrong with the situation. especially if you backed off after she said she didn't want a committed relationship. terms like "committed relationship" can be confusing if you don't define them clearly, as it's easy for two people to have different definitions of a committed versus a casual relationship or dating. maybe you thought she wanted to take it slow but progress to a relationship eventually but she is not clear if she wants a relationship at all? i feel like this is a case where you need to talk with her about specifics. i understand that it could be stressful to approach this, but i think it doesn't need to be too overly serious if you just approach it more casually- ask her how she feels about the current situation, tell her what you want and see if you are on the same page.

[kajinn]

We talked about the phone call, she said he just apologized (for cheating on her and the whole lot). She asked him why he contacted her and he said he didn't know and he thought it was a mistake and then her blocked her. She told me she initially thought he had realized he made a mistake and that he wanted to get back with her but she was wrong... aka she isn't over him yet and this is why she isn't ready for a relationship. She is not angry with me, but she is more distant, I don't think she thinks anything is wrong between us since she never acts any different than usual. She still acts the same as before when she used to pursue me except it is much harder to get to hangout, she has frequent excuses. The way we defined our relationship was that we were going to keep having fun with each other and not worry about things getting serious or getting into a committed relationship... but I can't have fun with her if we never hang out... our daily chit chat does nothing for me since she is not very flirty or stimulating when we text. She is very hot and cold, it's annoying... but I risk completely pushing her away if I tell her I think she is starting to suck, which she is... I get more cynical the more the situation drags on and I would really like to figure this out, or tell her what I need to tell her in a way that won't burn any bridges, which I can't figure out how to do just yet.

[MerryH]

She told you she's not ready for a relationship and that she's not over her ex. And you told her that you're not in a hurry and were okay with that. So you've changed your mind now? Then I guess you should just tell her that you'd like to get more serious.

It's obvious that she likes you and cares about you. She wouldn't be texting you every day or spending one night per week at your place if she didn't. That doesn't mean she has to be in a serious relationship with you. That's actually quite a lot of contact, so I don't really understand why you have a problem with it. She told you that's all she could offer and you agreed to it. If you want more, say so (although it's a bad idea to start a relationship with someone who isn't over their ex.)

To be honest, you strike me as a little controlling and the type who gets angry when things don't happen the way you want them to. Maybe you just need to relax a little and see what happens.

[HeartIsAching]

You should give communicating with her a shot.

Ask HER these things. Tell HER what you're thinking and feeling. Don't assume you know what is motivating her, don't assume you know what she wants, thinks or feels, don't assume she knows what you want/think/feel, and quit playing passive-aggressive games - communicate instead.

[kajinn]

Thanks for the input, I was just a little frustrated when I posted this because she canceled our plans this weekend and then turned down a chance to make them up. I'm not controlling at all, I've backed off a lot and am giving her space. I just needed someone to put things into perspective for me. Instead of looking at all the little details I should just look at the big picture and go with the flow. I'm going to wait until she asks me to hang out because I don't want to keep asking her, which I have already told her, when she is ready to let me know. Thanks.

[kajinn]

Just wanted to post an update.

But first to clarify a few things...

She told you she's not ready for a relationship and that she's not over her ex. And you told her that you're not in a hurry and were okay with that. So you've changed your mind now? Then I guess you should just tell her that you'd like to get more serious.

I haven't changed my mind about being in a serious relationship, I'm fine with not being able to call her my girlfriend. I just didn't like the fact that I had to do all the leg work in every area and I'd like to hang out more than once every 1.5 to 2 weeks some times only totaling 2 hours at a time (our most recent hangout, which also felt kind of awkward).

Good plan because then when she contacts you.. She's totally in the driver's seat and you get to be at her beck and call.

This wasn't what I meant. I meant the next time, when ever she is ready to let me know, not every time. After I said this she ended up asking me when I was free the next day and we made plans.

OK so back to the update. I took hearts advice and I just flat out told her exactly what I wanted to change between us. I told her I would feel a little better about our "situation" if we hung out a little more and if she would initiate things more often. She said she felt bad that I felt that way and she accepted what I had brought up.

So the next day I go out of state for 5 days and she has DRASTICALLY changed. She has become very flirty and she even randomly told me she missed me (I had only been gone for less than 48 hours) and that she hasn't really missed anyone like that in a long time. Actually now that I think about it, she became very flirty after she realized that she missed me. She also sent me a very nice picture haha.... I guess it took me leaving the state for her to realize what she wanted? She is definitely pursuing me again... even more so than before, at least with the texting. It will be interesting to see how she acts when we hang out, I'm looking forward to it. Thanks again for all your thoughts. You have helped me figure out what move I should have made next and it was a good one!