Advice on my girlfriend?

[AnnonymousMan]

I'll be as mature as possible as I word my story. All feedback and even negative criticism accepted. I want honest replies as to what you would do in this situation.

I will start at the begining,
My current girlfriend and I met through a friend of mine. She is actually his X. Of course this crosses common friendship barriers and has complicated things but it isn't a top concern of mine since I have learned that 'love' will always find a way to unite two people.
Anyway, she seemed amazing as new relationships feel vibrant and exciting. I wanted to rush into things and speed things along but kept it reasonable. Hugs came first, then kissing. It was a slow process even though it was already at this point in just three weeks. Of course this leads to even further things and we were already messing around physically when we had only been dating for about a month. Now for the record, I just want to state that I 'was' a virgin at this point and she was not. We are both a little over 18 years old but I will leave exact age out of this. I would also like to state that I have had several girlfriends in the past with one being a semi-serious relationship so I felt adequate enough to handle common relationship issues. My current girlfriend had been in just two previous relationships with one being very serious and long-term.
Just so things don't seem so focused on physical things, we connected great when speaking to eachother and were pro's at hanging out. We never had a single fight before what I am about to explain happened.
We were messing around one day, so I decided to take things even further. I knew she wasn't a virgin since she had dated her previous boyfriend for two years. I have further evidence to backup why I thought she wasn't a virgin but it isn't important since she wasn't a virgin anyways. I treated her like a virgin however, as I believe virginity means nothing and every new relationship should be treated as a 'first time' as every single person on this planet is unique and differs from everyone else.
We started messing around (no sex at this point) and after I did something for her useing my hand, she makes a comment to me asking, "Do you want me to do something for you?". Now I may be over thinking things but who the hell asks that? I told her no because I figured if she cared about me as much as I did about her she would do it without asking since I never asked her if she wanted me to do anything for her. Anyway, she eventually did do something for me after we talked for several minutes and after about ten seconds she literally says, "I give up." and sounded frustrated. Of course I tried talking it out with her but she crawled into her shell which of course left me to go cry in another room. At this point I thought many things like what is wrong with me? Am I ugly? Am I small? etc... Eventually after several more days and several more failed attempts on her end, I eventually came out and asked her about her sexual past since I thought the issue couldn't of been me, but maybe a bad sexual past? She explains things to me and it all checks out well with no issues, but now I am burdened with the thoughts of her with other guys. Turns out she had been with two guys in the past. After this bombshell had been dropped on me it only made things worse.
I eventually gave up on the small stuff and assumed she just wanted sex because maybe she thought I was being childish doing these others things. So I ended up sleeping with her. Now two more mess ups here. First, she pulled out lubricant which made me automatically assume it had been used with other guys since I had no idea she had it (It was brand new and never used, which I later found out.) and while we did the deed she acted like a brick wall with absolutely no emotions. It literally felt like I was making love to myself and no one else was even in the room.
Anyway, to speed things up so I don't end up typing pages, it took her 2 months to finally explain to me why she said "I give up." that first time. She claims she was insecure and thought she was going to mess up or not be able to satisfy me to the point that she literally got stage fright. I asked her why she never explained that to me and that she had made me cry that night and she said she ignored the entire thing and just wanted to forget that night even happened. She said she felt bad and just wanted for it to go away. Of course I explained to her that this is reality and nothing will just 'Go away'.
Anyways, after thousands of arguements about her sexual past, the begining of our own relationship, and her lack of self confidence I admitted to her that I was a virgin. I told her that I felt used at the begining since she never did anything for me and that I even felt sort of raped when we first had sex since I didn't even want to in the first place, I just thought that is what she wanted.
It's been a year and several months now and we still argue about all of it. She is a very defensive person and not to affectionate of a female where I am the exact opposite of that. I have, for the most part, gotten over her sexual past since I understand that in order to move forward towards the future you can't live in the past. I just can't help the memories of a terrible first time and how a person can be so insecure and mean to just give up on a person like that without even saying anything. I mean damn, as a guy I could of used and abused her. A lot of guys I know are players and wouldn't care at all what had happened. I don't know if I am an over emotional guy or that I just have values but in her whole two years of dating her x has she not learned anything? I have also learned that she never 'gave up' on her x which makes me wonder why the hell I was so different.
I understand that I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else and I know that my girlfriend is definetly different now as she is at least semi-emotional during sex and she is more caring. I have changed her a lot for the better but why was I her learning experience? I am now stuck on the bad end of everything and constantly dwelling on issues that have hurt me and that cannot ever be fixed, only forgiven. I don't think I can ever forgive her for anything and I always think of how utterly stupid a person must be to make the mistakes she has.
Lastly I would like to add that she repeatidly treated me as if I was just another 'lay' instead of as a first time. She even admitted to this. I explained that if she were a virgin things would of been different and that you should always treat a new person as a new first time. I just feel like maybe she needed time before jumping into another relationship? There are now bad rifts created in what should be special moments in a new relationship and I feel that we are building things on top of an unstable foundation and our whole relationship will eventually crumble.
My ranting is done for now, feedback please?

(Not sure if this belongs in this forum or the Intimate forum, but seeing as its more about emotional issues I think this is the right forum)

[Riku]

Ok, I'll be as nice as I can here because you are obviously young. You need to STOP thinking about it so much. You are 18, unless you marry the next girl you have a relationship with and live happily ever after, you have to get used to the fact that there were people before you. I have a ton of lingerie and by your reasoning I should throw it all out when I start a new relationship so the guy doesn't start thinking about all the other guys that may have seen me in it instead of seeing how hot I am in it. That's ridiculous. And when you are having sex stop talking! Seriously, that just ruins the entire mood and that's why she gave up. When you start talking (excluding dirty talk or telling the other person what feels good or where you want them to touch you) you ruin the moment and then your brain takes over and honestly your brain shouldn't be too involved when you are having sex. And the rape comment...seriously?....grow up. Not wanting to have sex but going through with it is not anywhere near rape, you are just trying to find somewhere to place blame for why it was horrible. But guess what, most first times are horrible. Get over it and next time just let go of trying to be so logical about it all. Focus on how badly you want someone and how turned on you are and let your body take over, not your head.

Experience is a good thing (within reason lol), don't be so afraid of someone who has been with other people, IMO experience makes sex 100 times better.

[AnnonymousMan]

"And when you are having sex stop talking! Seriously, that just ruins the entire mood and that's why she gave up."

"Focus on how badly you want someone and how turned on you are and let your body take over, not your head."

Hey thanks for the feedback. I just want to point out a few things to you since I didn't want to write pages of details the first time I posted.
You say to stop talking and that it kills the mood. The mood was long since killed though when she first opened her mouth to ask me if I wanted her to do anything. But I know what your getting at. That second part I quoted you on, I was totally into it until she said I give up. I don't think you understand the turn offs she did which killed the mood. Then to ignore the entire situation is a bit...how do you say, not nice?
I'm not really looking for anything to blame but I know what you mean about the rape thing, after all it takes 2 people otherwise it would of been rape. Especially if I didn't say 'No." but idk. What do you think though about the insecurities?
Also about the other guys thing, I stated that I was over it. It just doesn't appeal to males since they need to feel in control and they have some sort of male ego going on. I understand people are not pieces of property to own and they can do whatever they want in life. The issue however, which will remain a fact, is that you bring your previous relationships right into the bed with you, on your honey moon you bring previous relationships into the marital bed. This means that not only are you both not sexually experienced equally but that you now have something to compare the other person to and that is wrong. That is why I said I treat everybody as an individual and treat everytime as the first time, otherwise they might aswell be another lay.

[Riku]

What doesn't appeal to males? Girls that have slept with other guys? You should try doing a search on here for any of the many threads girls have made asking if guys care if a girl is a virgin. If my memory is right they almost always say they don't want a virgin. I think being confident and secure with yourself comes in part with having experience and is much more desirable to men than a virgin is.

[regdenied]

jeez I didn't know I had to read war and peace to give some advice!

[AnnonymousMan]

What doesn't appeal to males? Girls that have slept with other guys? You should try doing a search on here for any of the many threads girls have made asking if guys care if a girl is a virgin. If my memory is right they almost always say they don't want a virgin. I think being confident and secure with yourself comes in part with having experience and is much more desirable to men than a virgin is.

Alright, I have to be blunt with you.
First off, why would I need to search and find out the 'majority' of what people think just to feel like your point is proven. I don't care what the 'majority' of people think is. If everyone thought the color white was cool to wear, that wouldn't sway my decision to wear red.
Secondly, with my first time I was not only confident and secure and not knowing what the hell I was even doing, but the attitude was still present. A female doesn't need to bang 100 dudes to gain confidence. Confidence can come in a variety of forms and for the most part comes from your own sense of self worth, insecurities that ARE NOT present, and self esteem.
I would also like to add that my gf had no clue i was a virgin. That goes to show that confidence is not an issue with some virgins. It seems to me that you are stuck on this whole "Her sexual past" thing which isn't even my issue here. Sounds to me like you are trying to come up with an excuse for your own sexual history and perhaps you have had a guy call you an inopropriate name or even broke up with you over this.
What I am getting at isn't how well a girl can bang you, but rather the emotional feelings that are present during sex and how that might of even been affected by her sexual past which MAKES her not being a virgin, matter in this case. I could care less how good she was in bed, but rather how affectionate she is and some sort of emotional drive rather than it all being entirely physical. This goes along with why they say younger teens shouldn't have sex and why its an 'adult' activity. Yes they can have sex and are more than capable, but the 'adult' part is the intimacy and emotions that young teens can't handle quite yet. That takes MATURITY and age.

[Riku]

Wow, you are a dick. Grow up. I was asking a question to clarify what you meant and you get all defensive. This has nothing to do with me so don't try to spin your insecurities on me. I'm apparently the only person who bothered to read your wall of text douchebag so don't go attacking me when I was trying to give you some advice which is what you asked for. Don't reference what "MEN" as in other men, not you, want and then turn around and say you don't care about what others do or want. So you are confident...really? Then why are you so concerned about another guys dick being in her before you? Or if you are so confident why are you crying about having sex with her when you weren't ready and being "raped". Also, confident men don't go crying when a girl gives up on trying to get them off. If you are so confident, why did you go cry in another room asking yourself if you are ugly, or small..... And I was referring to girls anyway because you are so hung up on her not being a virgin and you even say that she has confidence issues. So try reading my posts before getting yourself all worked up and go crying again.

[AnnonymousMan]

LOL!

You need to calm down Riku. Insults are uneeded as I have yet to call you any sort of name.
I am not being defensive I am simply clearing up what you are misconstrueing. My topic has only been on this forum for not even half a day so don't go off half cocked that your the only one to read it. If I have referenced 'men' I apologize. I speak for myself only and from a statistical standpoint. About her sexual past, I don't care about another mans dick, I was merely stating the EMOTIONAL abuse that may have been done to her from a bad sexual past, which isn't even the case at all. If you took the time to read my original post than you would CLEARLY see why I had issues with it other than another mans dick inside of her. My confidence is natural, the reason I went into another room was because of hurtful things she said and did. That had nothing to do with confidence, that has to do with a human beings feelings you insensitive boob.

You are clearly not mature enough for your own opinions to matter so they are no longer needed here.