28 and worried

[redditkeet]

Hi everyone,

I'm 28 years old and single (I did have a long term relationship and we wanted to get married, but we broke up recently). I notice that a lot of my colleagues and friends are married/getting married or are in serious relationships.

Also, I notice most of the men I meet my age are in relationships. The ones that aren't taken are single because they just want to have 'fun' (sleep around) and don't want to commit. This is what worries me too.

So I have some questions, I hope you can help me out

- what about your male colleagues and male friends in their late 20's/early 30's? Are most of them in relationships too or do you know some/plenty who aren't?

-Are they still single because they just want to 'have fun' (sleep around) or did a lot of sleeping around in their 20s? Or didn't they find the right person yet/focused on their career etc?

- do you know people who met their partner in their late 20's/early 30's and are happily married now?

- at what age did you meet your partner (how old was your partner when you met?) and marry?

I hope you can help me, I sometimes really feel like an outcast It's like everyone around me got married in their 20's

[Boisdevie]

When you're on your own it's easy to feel as if you're the only person on the planet in the same situation. As an example, I moved to France at the age of 39 as a single person. And I wondered whether I would meet someone. I did. It can happen for you too.

[jules82]

Don't feel so bad. I recently turned 29, and it took me all these years to finally meet the right guy to settle down with. I even had found through dating in my later 20's that guys our age still don't want to commit and want to live their lives in bars and clubs, fooling around. There are some though that do want to settle down, it's just a matter of actually meeting one - and clearly it's not going to be inside a bar/club. I always felt like an outcast, I didn't really let it bug me too much though. When you frantically search to find love, it will never happen. It's just the way it is....You have to live life, focus on you and in due time if the right person exists for you, he will come along. It happened for me - and I'm almost 30! I wouldn't change it for anything though. My boyfriend was so worth the wait.

[greentea11]

Don't feel bad. Just because your friends are married doesn't mean they are probably all married to the right person. Half get divorced and then there's the ones that don't but really wish they could. You will find the right one, just don't rush it and settle. I'm 27 and there's lots of people I know who are single.

[redditkeet]

Don't feel bad. Just because your friends are married doesn't mean they are probably all married to the right person. Half get divorced and then there's the ones that don't but really wish they could. You will find the right one, just don't rush it and settle. I'm 27 and there's lots of people I know who are single.

greentea11, the many people you know that are single, are they mostly male or female? I notice around me there are some single women but not many single men.

also, are they single at your age because they slept around a lot etc/wanted to have 'fun'? Or did they focus on their careers for example?

[MaidenMinx]

For many a moon there were more men on the planet than women, now it is reversed, which is why tutu find so many more single women than you do men.

In my friendship group, hubby and I are the only married ones. Actually, in the group of friends we keep most in touch with we're the only couple.

Out of my single male friends in their late 20s - early 30s only 2 actually want a relationship. Out of those 2, I'd only consider one worth pursuing only because the other it's terrible with money. Neither are bad looking, both are great with kids.

Hubby and I met when we were 22, together within a year, bubby came a year after that. We fort married this year and our son is 7.:-)

[redditkeet]

so your other single male friends just want to have fun with many women?

[Kaius]

I was the first of my peers to get married (at 24) and divorced (at 36). Most of my friends met their future spouse around late 20s.
There are plenty of men in their late 20s who are single because they just graduated law school or med school, and never had time (or energy)
to be in a relationship while they were in school. Career-minded men tend to settle down later. You have plenty of time to find your man. What's the rush?
You don't need to marry anyone. You do it when you find that one special person.

[redditkeet]

do you know many guys in their late 20s single for that reason personally?

[kbee]

I totally agree with williebooker. The marrying age is different for everyone. I am in your exact same situation. I'm 30, have been engaged twice, and I broke up with them both because I knew they were not right for me. I am in another relationship now that I am still not content with. Honestly, I'm not being picky-- I'm being smart: the first fiance lied to me about doing drugs and he also cheated on me; the second fiance wouldn't get off his ass and look for a job. The guy I'm seeing now just has a lot of very annoying qualities that I think will drive me crazy if I stay with him-- I am currently trying to set a time and place to talk to him and break things off.

I am 30, but I'm not going to let that pressure me into a relationship. I know what I want and what I am willing to tolerate. I understand the whole 'biological clock' ticking... but I look at it this way: maybe the best person for me is actually a man who has been divorced, knows how terrible that is but also now knows exactly what he needs and wants and what mistakes he made; and if I'm35 or 40 by the time I meet him, maybe he is in his 40s too, financially stable, with kids that are healthy, beautiful, and good enough for me. Maybe I won't need to add my own.

I know that may not be what you are looking for, especially if you are set on giving birth to your own kids. But my point is, you can keep your eyes open for love, but don't rush it and don't force it. It will naturally come to you. Just put yourself out there, make yourself available, and be positive!

[greentea11]

Yeah most of the people I know have been in relationships, not too much of just wanting to have fun. They're just single because the relationships didn't work out. Some had a divorce. I dunno maybe its where I live, I kinda notice big city life is harder on relationships.

[MaidenMinx]

so your other single male friends just want to have fun with many women?

Some of them are man-sluts, others have decided they have had enough of relationships and don't want the bs that goes with it.
One of my male friends (29 next February) is a couple of years out of a ltr where he felt conned into impregnating his then gf. His daughter is now 4. About a year after the mother of his daughter kicked him out, he started up with my best friend. They were together just over a year but he broke it off because she wanted to move in with him, he wanted to move in with my brother. The fact that she wanted them to live together freaked him out and made him realise that they were so far from being on the same page that they were in different books. She is still devastated (she was hearing wedding bells) and he's not finding it easy either (nc isn't working for them, they have too many mutual friends). He genuinely liked her but is genuinely petrified of getting 'stuck'.

My brother on the other hand (25) was engaged a couple of years back. Looong story but it didn't work out and now he is quite literally boning everything he can. He has no intention of stopping either. (that reminds me, I have to give him my drs number so he can get tested. He's such an idiot)

Point of the story, guys scar really easily when it comes to relationships. The less emotionally aware a guy is, the greater chance he won't get over his first love and that experience will tarnish him forever and he'll take it out on the women around him. (gross generalisation, I know)

[Gypsybell]

I don't think it is unusual to be 28 and single these days, I wouldn't recommend marriage any younger than 30 myself. The 20's are for finding out who you are, before deciding who you need as your life partner.

Its notable that many are waiting longer to choose a life partner and, in a lot of cases, marriage is being left out of the equation altogether. Live- in trial relationships are equal to what marriage there is, today, and marriage itself is not binding with divorce being the simple procedure it is. ( You have Reno in America, but even in OZ, you can go to the courthouse, get a form, stand over at a shelf desk and fill it out in about a half hour, then take it back to the cashier with $180 and they give you a court date(which you don't have to attend) a letter is despatchted to serve your partner(whom you don' t have to see again, or find, just make reasonable attempts to get postal notice to him) and 3 months after the court dissolution, a decree Nisi arrives in the mail.( Property and child settlement is a seperate issue only if it is contested, and defacto relationships have the same rights there )

So marriage is no big deal. Finding someone to spend your life with, and have kids to, still is, but even that has optional loopholes (sperm banks, single parenting, and work conditions geared to make it possible, etc).

What all that boils to is that staying together for a lifetime is rarer than separation these days and that's because it is based on choice, not law or financial support. So making the right choice is they key. Its not often one is mature enough at 20 to make that choice. And once the first flush of youth is negotiated, and the hormones and romantic notions settle down (or get diluted by failed ideals and reality shocks) then the notion of being tied dowm and loaded with responsibility, pale somewhat, especially to men. And who can blame them. If they don't get the right girl and it ends in divorce with kids involved, then they are screwed financially, by child support and no where they can afford to live. While the wife gets the house and is free to move a new lover in at will. And no one is saying it is easier for a woman to be left with those kids and a house to maintain without hubby(which is why she's more likely to look for a replacement) .

Yes, this 'free loving' world we have shaped by our dissatisfaction with the old values, is no picnic on the 'forever' score. So ladies, I would not be huffy with young studs in their late 20's whooping it up on the singles scene instead of settling into harness for the convenience of your bio clocks. We enabled them by our free sexuality, they don't have to marry us for our favours anymore. We emasculated them with our 'Equality prowess', They don't feel up to our spoiled expectations, and we pretty much blew the mystique out of romance. We even get insulted by their protective instincts. So what's in it for them, really?

Think about what you have to offer before wailing about what you want. And if you are still into playing games, expect to get played.

As the mother of sons I'm pretty up on what their side of the story is. My boys were healthy party animals and I encouraged them to live like there's no tomorrow and experience the world before settling down. One never married untill he was 34 (to a girl 30 and never wed before ) The other is now 32 and only just thinking about looking, (career man with multiple degrees, sportsman with multipe awards, drives a 350Z, has his own apartment, Travels and is a 6ft total Hunk!) Plus I have 2 girls, one who didn't opt for marriage at all, or settle before 30, but both are now late forty's and have long term partners and kids. So you are not an old maid, by any means and if you take, for example, the newly married Prince william and Kate of England, you can see that intelligent, aspiring young people of today are not rushing into marriage early, but rather developiong their independant goals and personalities, before jioning their fate with another. It's all about compramise once you do, more so for a woman once children appear. Some people are never ready for that, but it is easier if you already have the confidence of achievemment behind you.

So don't despair at 28 and don't go getting desperate or settling for less than a man who makes your heart sing. If you have made it to that age without a major mistake or a child in tow then you are what some party weary bachelor has been hoping to find. A girl ready for the long haul and an equal adult with only light luggage, not heavy baggage. A golden catch. Don't worry, he'll find you.Just relax and smile. Useles worry will give you wrinkles!

[bulrush]

Point of the story, guys scar really easily when it comes to relationships. The less emotionally aware a guy is, the greater chance he won't get over his first love and that experience will tarnish him forever and he'll take it out on the women around him. (gross generalisation, I know)

I have to agree with this, I'm a guy. Guys are not naturally wired to deal well with emotions, though they can learn if the put effort into it, and they are smart. So most push their hurt deep down under, where it festers, and grows, and comes out later.

I don't think it is unusual to be 28 and single these days, I wouldn't recommend marriage any younger than 30 myself. The 20's are for finding out who you are, before deciding who you need as your life partner.

I agree with this also. The brain is rapidly growing until about age 25 for most people, so most people are not receptive to wisdom that is given to them. They have to learn things through their own mistakes. When you find the right person to marry, you will know.

And many more people are not marrying today due to the high cost and high likelihood of divorce. They just live together, have some kids, and do things that way. In Michigan I also see LOTS of single women with kids. It seems kids are more important than marriage to women around here. Plus there is a shortage of decent men with jobs. No job=high stress, which means the relationship is under a lot of strain.

So don't be pressured to get married just because your friends are. I have friends in their 40s that are single. Some are divorced, some never married. They are happy this way.

[aspie guy]

I've never had a girlfriend either. Never even had sex with a woman. I never had anything intimate with a woman and that includes hugging and kissing.

You can say I'm ugly but I don't think so. I just never let it bother me though.

There are many people in the world who will never have a girlfriend and will never have sex.

In fact, I'm sure that more than 1% of the world population die as old-age virgins.