Not sure if she's lying, cheating, or being honest

[Vercingetorix]

I've been going out with my girlfriend for about 9 months now. She's shy and insecure, especially regarding her looks. About 4 months ago, I noticed that she was making comments on a guy's Facebook pictures about how sexy he looked. I told her this was inappropriate because she was going out with me. She said she didn't mean to disrespect me, and she stopped. She started it again a couple months ago, but this time she's kicked it up a notch. His profile is public so I can see everything they say to each other. He lives in a different state than she does, by the way.

She's made comments about how silly he is, and that they should wrestle to see who's sillier. She's also said, "Sweet dreams stud muffin ;)" and "Your the one with the point [referring to his crotch]...;)." To one of her posts he said, "Keep Messing around; next time i see u im-a give you son or a daughter lol ;-)" and she replied, "My my my, heard that from you before. you must really want to do that ;)." They call and text each other, but I don't know what they say. Judging from the content of their Facebook exchanges, I'm concerned.

I confronted her about this the other day. She said I was being insecure and she had told me nothing was going on with him. She got the impression that I didn't want her to talk to him, and I said I don't care who she talks to; I'm upset because I told her that her behavior bothered me and she continued to do it anyway. She ran crying to him (on the phone, of course).

I'm not big on Facebook, and "Relationship Status" and all that doesn't matter to me. It's too much drama. But I am concerned that she's lying to me. She's acting inappropriately, even though she knows it bothers me. While she may not be able to physically sleep with this guy, I'm concerned that they may be cybering or having phone sex. I don't believe her when she says nothing is going on. Am I overreacting? On the one hand, I know it's just Facebook. On the other hand, if she acts this way on the internet, couldn't that behavior cross over into her daily interactions with people? I don't know what to do, and I'm not sure if I should continue in this relationship. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time.

[Cerby]

Facebook is rough for these situations, and is brutal for creating relationship stress.

The truth is, if you're uncomfortable with something, and she knows and persists, then you have reason to be concerned. There is a line between being a controlling insecure jerk and being cautious is pretty clear, and I think you're just being cautious.

9 months is a reasonable investment, thats where things start to go from dating/early romance to serious. If you're unsure about things, sit her down, talk to her, and if you can't reach a compromise, decide what you're willing to do to stay with her or walk away.

Relationships are hard work, but when you feel there is an issue with trust, then you need to do what it takes.

[bulrush]

I think you should be concerned. If she has a cyber affair, she might have a real affair. So, if she wants to flirt with guys, tell her you will be flirting with girls. See if she gets the message.

[Cerby]

I think you should be concerned. If she has a cyber affair, she might have a real affair. So, if she wants to flirt with guys, tell her you will be flirting with girls. See if she gets the message.

Not good advice, don't solve problems with threats.

[devonbrown]

It sounds like she may be acting out her desires for attention online with this guy, thinking that it is harmless because he is not around. You said she is insecure and shy and she is probably enjoying the attention.

However, just because someone is not next door doesn't necessarily make her actions right. She is at least emotionally cheating on you.

Where I think the difficulty lies is with her definition of cheating/inappropriateness/etc and yours. They are obviously different definitions. So you need to have a mature conversation with her about your different expectations of a boyfriend's/girlfriend's behavior. Once you have that conversation, you can make a decision if you want to stay in a relationship with her.

Communication is the biggest hindrance to relationships. Specifically, lack thereof. Never assume just because you think a certain way that your partner things the exact same way.

Good luck.

[sweetgirl1989]

Sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you believe her actions are inappropriate. Ask her if she has feelings for this guy. Just because he lives in another state doesn't mean that she cant cheat on you. If she is talking that way when she KNOWS you can see it. What about the things she says to him when you CANT see it. Also, If she is calling and texting him are you sure that there hasn't been bad pictures sent? That she doesn't erase the other stuff is she is having phone sex or sexting with him? I think you have a legit reason to be worried. But then again none of that stuff could be going on. But I suggest you talk to her Tell her how it makes you feel that she is saying that kinda thing to someone else. Does she say that kinda stuff to you?