Boyfriend doesn't want me around?

[Saga]

Hi gentlemen,

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a month (we've known each other just over 2). I know, it's not that long, but I thought that these were supposed to be the times when a couple couldn't get enough of each other. He told me before we started dating that he had a lot of female friends, which kind of intimidated me, but I like him a lot and wouldn't ask him to get rid of them...I'd just like to meet them, partially just to see how they act around each other- if it's tense, I'll know something's up. Well, as far as plans go I feel like I often have to ask him if he wants to hang out, and sometimes he's too busy, which is fine, but he rarely makes an attempt to reschedule. We see each other one day a week, and we only live 25 minutes apart (both at our parents' houses- he's still in college and I graduated in May and am working to save up enough to move out, but that's beside the point lol). Now this week alone, he has gone to hang out with friends at a college an hour north, spending the night in a female friend's dorm (he claimed her bf was there too); gone to a male friend's birthday party at his house, and the friend told him he should/could have brought me because he wanted to meet me; is going out to eat with a female friend for her birthday, and is going to ANOTHER college get together an hour south, spending the night at ANOTHER female friend's dorm room (he says she and her roomie both have boyfriends). I have not been invited to any of these events I feel like he's leaving me out, especially since his friends are bringing their SOs along. If it were a boy's night I'd completely understand, but it's always mixed, or just girls. He is also younger than me (22, I'm 25), so I understand the want to party and have fun- I'd just like to be included sometimes, or at least feel like he's making more of an effort to set aside special time for me. Am I overreacting since it's just been a couple months or do I have a right to be somewhat concerned (especially with the spending the night with girls)? What reasons (besides wanting to flirt) might there be for his not wanting me around?

I guess I might add that when we DO spend time together it's great- it's just not as often as I would like and as I'd mentioned, I don't feel like he actively pursues me. And I don't bombard him with texts or calls- half the time I wait to see if he'll text me first, so I don't think I'm being too clingy. And as far as calling I almost always have to call him or ask him to call me. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

[steviej]

Sounds like he wants the single life with a girlfriend on the side for when he feels like being in a relationship.
You need to wonder where this is going.

I'm all for having time apart to see friends but it sounds like he's taking it to the extreme.

[Jazzersize]

Isn't it obvious? If you tag along he's not going to get any outside action. You're like a wild card tucked up the sleeve. Ready when needed.

[Saga]

Yeah, I'm feeling like I'm just there when he feels like it. We talked this week and I said I'd like to be included in his plans with friends at least some of the time. I met one of his female friends, but it sounded like SHE asked if both of us would like to go out with her and her boyfriend. I was invited to a Halloween party and before I could even invite him he says (through IM) "good, I'm happy for you" and proceeded to tell me he'd be spending the weekend with these girls in their dorm. Now, if it's a movie marathon and the 2 roommates supposedly both have boyfriends, wouldn't you want your girlfriend there to cuddle with??

I'm thinking about saying to him I don't think he's ready for a relationship, and that it's fine if he wants to live a party life and stay/flirt with girls, but I'm not going to sit aside and "watch" it happen and I can find a man who will make me a priority in his life. Is it too early for that, or is that too extreme?

[bulrush]

First it sounds like he's not interested in you.

And I don't bombard him with texts or calls- half the time I wait to see if he'll text me first,...

And maybe it's because you don't act like you like him. You don't really contribute to the relationship much, do you? As far as this post goes. I bet he thinks you're not interested, so he's moving on. If you're passive, you can't expect to keep a boyfriend for long.

[Saga]

And maybe it's because you don't act like you like him. You don't really contribute to the relationship much, do you? As far as this post goes. I bet he thinks you're not interested, so he's moving on. If you're passive, you can't expect to keep a boyfriend for long.

Bulrush, I do contribute. What I mean by not bombarding him with calls and texts is that if I send the first text, I wait until he responds- I don't text 15 times in between. Sometimes I'll wait for him to send the first one just to see if he's thinking about me, because he often takes a while to respond anyway. I've told him a few times that I really like him and want to spend more time with him, etc. I often have to initiate when we hang out and call him or ask him to call me. But when we do talk on the phone (maybe two or three times a week) it's for hours, and when we hang out we have a lot of fun.

We just talked and I told him that his spending the night in a girl's dorm makes me uncomfortable, and he said he completely understands. Before we'd talked he'd already made plans to come home tonight instead of tomorrow, so that's good...although I heard no "boyfriends" in the background when we were on the phone, only female voices, but I'll just have to trust him that nothing's happening.

[Hayden10]

I am sure you contribute, I mean what exactly what do you need to show a guy that you like him if you are together? I don't want to be down on him coming back early, but it seems to me that he might be doing that either because things didn't go as planned or because he got bored with his females friends. Make him work more for your attention. I would.

[smackie9]

You are a fool, I bet money on it some of them are fwb. If this relationship makes you question things or makes you feel uncomfortable, get the f uck out, and don't look back.

[Saga]

I don't want to be down on him coming back early, but it seems to me that he might be doing that either because things didn't go as planned or because he got bored with his females friends. Make him work more for your attention. I would.

Things DIDN'T go as planned...he told me this afternoon that he'd be going down there tomorrow. I call tonight and he's down there now...he "was just able to work things out." And now I think this girl might be his ex! Good old facebook...

I'm trying to make him work, hence the waiting until he texts me sometimes. I know girls are "supposed to be unavailable sometimes and make him chase you" but those are games to me and I don't like games. If I'm free, I'm free. If not, I'm not.

Smackie9, maybe I am a fool lol. I'll find out soon enough. I've just never dated a guy with a lot of female friends so I don't know how all that works. I guess I can't expect to ALWAYS be included, but I don't know. He knew I was free tonight. And tomorrow night he "has to see" about going to the party with me because he has homework, but Sunday is for me.

[smackie9]

Well there's a difference between just dating, and a relationship and this looks like you are just dating. If your relationship expectations are not being fulfilled don't continue to go out with him. I dated a guy like that, and I felt like I was a part time gf, and nothing more. I just broke up with him and found someone more suitable to my expectations.

[gingerina]

If you really like him don't broke up. Just be cool and very very busy everytime he calls. Be nice but cool. Sorry but if you are only dating you have to play games a little bit.

[Hayden10]

His ex? Don't ever make that mistake. He sucks, just leave it, if he really cares he will come to you. I would just let this rest and get your energies back up.

Smackie9, maybe I am a fool lol. I'll find out soon enough. I've just never dated a guy with a lot of female friends so I don't know how all that works.

I have always had more guy friends than girlf friends and when I have a boyfriend then I limit my time with my guy friends. And I do not go running after my ex. Any normal person does this. And if he is friends with so many 'girls that are only 'friends' then he should have no problem introducing you. You can't trust him now.

[Saga]

Gingerina- We're not just dating. We are SUPPOSED to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And no I did not initiate this- he did. I don't feel as though you should have to play games and tricks to get your boyfriend to spend time with you. He should just WANT to! And even so, he doesn't call me enough to even pretend to be busy- I'm usually the one who calls or asks him to call me.

Hayden (and everyone)- OK...I jumped to conclusions: the girl was not his ex. HOWEVER, get this- the girl had apparently forgotten he was even coming to visit this weekend and had made other plans, but he changed his plans to make sure they'd be able to see each other. And he conveniently didn't say a word to me about it- I just called to find out he was down there. MEANWHILE, I know you're all aware it's Halloween weekend, and one of my friends is having a party tonight, yet his response when I ask if he wants to go with me is "well, I'll have to let you know...I have homework...but Sunday we can hang out." He's known I've wanted to go to a party with him all month! Yet he can make mountains move to spend time with female "friends" who forget about him?! It's definitely ultimatum time. This is ridiculous! > I obviously come second to friends. His parents' place is 10 minutes from where I work and yet he never even asks to grab lunch or dinner with me.

[toshiba]

Isn't it obvious? If you tag along he's not going to get any outside action. You're like a wild card tucked up the sleeve. Ready when needed.

THIS. Bringing you would be like taking sand to the beach, like bringing oranges to Florida.

Seriously, this guy sucks, if you put up with this you are forever-hopeful, and/or like being walked over. He should want to spend his B-day with you.

[vashti]

He's too young for the kind of relationship you want. I wouldn't waste any more time on this.