Men and lying :(

[headorheart]

My boyfriend of 5 years lies to me all the time. For example, he promised he would quit smoking 2 years ago, and I've caught him smoking 3 times in the last year.He lied to me about his age when we first me.

In our 5 years together, he has lied to me twice about girls he had made friends with, first time round, when I found out that he had been txting her and lunching with her he told me they were just friends, I never spoke to her but I took his word and i forgave him. This time, I found out he was emailing an old friend through a secret email I didn't know about, he told her he was single and flirted with her. When I confronted him, he denied it like a pro, finally he admitted the truth when I told him I had information he didn't know about. I told him we were over. He's apologized endlessly, he says he didn't understand why he lied and he had no intentions of following through with her. He told me we are meant to be together and wants us to go to therapy to fix our relationship. Whats going on in his mind? should i trust him or is he going to break my heart again. All my girl friends have told me not to go back to him.

Thanks in advance.

[HeartIsAching]

There's volumes here that you're not speaking.

A secret email you didn't know about? So how'd you find out? How much snooping/digging did you have to do?

Your deep distrust and suspicion may have driven him to stupid acts (If I'm going to do the time, I might as well do the crime), or it may have developed from his stupid acts... the point is, I don't know the story here.

But what I do know is that if you're incapable of trust, you might as well give up on the relationship. Without trust you've got jack.

[sadie_genie]

But what I do know is that if you're incapable of trust, you might as well give up on the relationship. Without trust you've got jack.

And...this guy obviously isn't worthy of trust.

OP: You found out he went behind your back and told a girl he is single and flirted with her. On top of that, he lied to you about it. If I were you, I would dump him. How can you have respect for someone like him?

[HeartIsAching]

And...this guy obviously isn't worthy of trust.

OP: You found out he went behind your back and told a girl he is single and flirted with her. On top of that, he lied to you about it. If I were you, I would dump him. How can you have respect for someone like him?

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

[mwahahaha]

You should let him smoke. Stopping smoking makes you do all sorts of crazy shit.

[littlelady89]

But what I do know is that if you're incapable of trust, you might as well give up on the relationship. Without trust you've got jack.

I can see why you would end up snooping. I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying. For anyone with any sense of intuition or gut-feeling etc etc, it is SO easy to know when something is off or someone is holding something back. I can see how you can end up looking for answers. The big issue here is trust, and it is one of THE biggest issues to have. Again, I have the same problem and I completely disagree with the above statement by heartisaching. Therapy can help you let go of whatever it is that stops you trusting people, whether it's been the behaviour of this bf or something before him; therapy can dig it up and chuck it out. If your bf has actually suggested couple therapy I think it's worth a try after 5 years and if you really love him and feel there COULD be a future. But everyone is different, I just need to know when I walk away from someone I have done all I could to make it work so I have zero regrets. But if you feel you can't get past this, even with professional help, you have to say true to yourself and treat yourself with respect and let him go. Definately don't put up with this any longer, if he doesn't begin to make changes then you need to stand your ground and walk away, or he will slowly slip back into these old habits and you'll be even more hurt and let down than before.

[headorheart]

I found out because this girl who he had been emailing him had not spoken to him in a long time, she search his profile on a social network and found out he was in a relationship with me, she emailed me and told me about this. I had no reason to go snooping around his personal stuff, I know a lot of couples share email passwords etc. but this has just not been something that we practice. He has his personal space, and I have mine. We have always been this way, and I'm not sure if this was part of the problem.

I do love him, and I think I would consider going to therapy with him because other than the lying he was perfect. But I will admit, I worry that he will hurt me again, and the next time round, my friend will tell me "I told you so"