What Now?

[Veerebby]

I posted this in break up but I guess I should've posted it here instead since maybe another man would have SOME idea of what's going on...

My ex and I broke up almost 3 weeks ago. Things were pretty ugly when it ended because we were both going through some very serious things. We lost a baby a week prior to the split and we both took it very hard. On top of that, I was getting frustrated with him because I felt guilty that he was spending all this time on me and "half-assing" his schooling, so I started pushing him away hoping he would get things straight.

Things came to blow and he called me up one day telling me he couldn't do "this" anymore. I asked him why and he couldn't really give me a reason except that he didn't love me anymore. I told him I didn't understand because we just saw each other the night before and we were completely fine. This guy was completely head over heels in love with me, sometimes I think he was more then me. I hung up and completely blocked him out. A few days later I got a message from him saying that he was sorry and that the way he has been acting isn't him at all. I just told him I was disappointed. He went on to say he was sorry for treating me this way and that it just hurts too much to talk to me because he loves me so much. I simply just replied back that I wanted my space for awhile. He got offended by this for whatever reason, and I never bothered responding back.

Two weeks went by and I finally got the guts to email him and let him know how I was feeling. I didn't expect him to read it, but I felt like it was something I needed to do to finally let go. My email contains a tracker because of my job and sends me notifications of what time the email was opened and how many times. A few days later I received one saying he had read it. And then two more the next day, but no response. I left it go until this past Thursday when I emailed him asking if I could get my things back over the weekend. I never got a response until Saturday evening saying that he could meet me somewhere. I responded back with a time and an okay.

Saturday evening I met him at the local grocery store parking lot (funny, because that's where we first met each other). He walked over to my truck and handed me a bag of my things. I opened it up, but none of the things I actually wanted back were in there. He said he "forgot" to bring them. I'm not sure how he could of because they're articles of my clothing that have my last name all over them. I got pretty upset and told him I'd give him his when I got the rest of mine. He started to walk away and I finally just gave in and handed his things to him.

He started to get into his truck when he kind of hesitated. I just simply asked him if that was it. He looked upset. I wasn't planning on bringing anything up that happened between us and I'm sure he wasn't either but it happened anyways. I sat in my truck while he stood in the freezing cold apologizing to me and that none of what he said to me while all this happened was how he truly felt. I told him I was just disappointed because I felt like we actually had something. He said we did, but just so much was going on that his head is spinning. I told him I wouldn't have been upset if he would have just flat out told me he needed some time to himself for awhile, and he said that he was afraid if he told me that I'd be angry. I told him I don't care what happens as long as he's happy.

I told him I was just upset by the situation because I know that even though we both don't want to admit it, we both truly care about each other. He told me that he read my letter and that it meant so much to him that I took so much time to do that and then reached through my window and hugged me. I wasn't expecting it at all and I finally hugged him back and apologized to him and told him I'm here for him. He said he's sorry for pushing me away and that he won't do it again. He was really upset and just kept hugging me until I finally pulled back. We talked a little more about things and us needing space from each other and he hugged me a couple more times and kept putting his hand on my arm. I told him I had to go and I asked if that was okay and he shook his head yes and said I'll see you around soon.

I guess I'm just confused. The entire thing just completely threw me off my path that I was headed down. I had it down to the point where I basically convinced myself things were over and I didn't care anymore. I've always had a really strong connection with him ever since I met him and I could definitely feel it all coming back Saturday. I'm not in a rush with anything because I know right now this is what's best for us, but I feel like he is second guessing everything he did prior to that. I still love him and I know he loves me too, but at this point I've been able to be so strong because I figure if we're meant to be together we will, and no matter what happens in between none of that will matter. I know I can't sit around and put my life on hold and I haven't done that at all, but there's still a huge piece of me holding on to him. I feel like if we both use this time by ourselves wisely it could really strengthen the bond we have with each other, or if not it could just completely destroy everything. I'm supposed to see him again this weekend to get the rest of my things. I feel like he had the whole only having half my stuff planned out. I'm not really sure how to handle it.

[fruitloop]

Wow you two were really in love. This guy likes you and its pretty obvious to see that. I sort of take his side of the story here, he was so deeply conncected and devoted to you he took his eyes off his life and needed a while to get back on track with everything else going on. He didnt tell you this because he did not want to loose you, I have done it before. Therefore he freaked a bit and over-reacted.
He wants you back, and its clear to see you love him to.
Its up to you but I can tell hes feeling plenty of pain inside, take him back, but give it some time first, let him hug you a bit more when you meet up and go from there, as you say, dont rush into anything.

good luck

[Curly954]

It seems to me that the two of you have to start talking to each other freely about how you each feel and what each you think in order to re - establish the trust that you had in each other. You also must realize that there are times when the enjoyment and love in a relationship are oft sometimes replaced with worries and caring. Relationships need lots of work by both parties. Start talking until the cares are gone and the love and enjoyment will come back.
It's hard to talk freely sometimes, but you must be willing to take the chance and whatever happens ......happens !

[Veerebby]

Thank you. I know he's upset and that so much was going on that he just completely shut down and blocked me out. It's almost one of those "survival mode" instincts humans get when things get out of their comfort zone. I'm definitely curious to see what happens when I go to get some more of my things. We aren't really talking at all besides emailing back and forth one every few days. Other than that I've deactivated my facebook account and changed my phone number because I feel like it will do us both a lot of good. I can already tell that I've grown a lot from all of this and it's really helped to open my eyes. I want him to realize the same and know that I'm not the typical clingy woman who expects every second of his undivided attention, and that one of the reasons why I'm so attracted to him is because of his goals he has for himself. By him pushing those goals to the side for me, is making my drift away from him. I don't expect him to call me every second or text. Just messages throughout the day to know he's thinking of me or something completely random and a phone call at night or even every other night would make me more than happy.

[bulrush]

On top of that, I was getting frustrated with him because I felt guilty that he was spending all this time on me and "half-assing" his schooling, so I started pushing him away hoping he would get things straight.

Did you tell him you wanted to spend less time with him so he could increase his grades? Or did you just stop talking to him? I think I see some communication problems with you two.

This guy was completely head over heels in love with me, sometimes I think he was more then me. I hung up and completely blocked him out. ... I simply just replied back that I wanted my space for awhile.

You claim to be in love with him, then you "need my space" for a while? What the hell is that about?

I guess I'm just confused.

Yes, I can see that.

I had it down to the point where I basically convinced myself things were over and I didn't care anymore.

You convinced yourself it was over, but you claimed you loved him? I guess you didn't love him very much. What were the facts involved in you deciding you two had to break up?

I'm not sure what your question is. Maybe you feel better after writing all this down.

[Veerebby]

Did you tell him you wanted to spend less time with him so he could increase his grades? Or did you just stop talking to him? I think I see some communication problems with you two.
I told him that he didn't need to be calling/texting me constantly because I understand he has other priorities and so do I. He really took it to heart though, and took it as me pushing him away. It wasn't like that by any means.


You claim to be in love with him, then you "need my space" for a while? What the hell is that about?


I do love him. After things came to blow between us I was tired of the bickering and I didn't want us to both say anything we would regret because of how angry we both were so I stopped chasing after him. I think it offended him honestly and he took it as me not giving a damn. He texted me one night after I didn't talk to him all day saying "Fine. I'll just stop talking to you. For good." I just said If that's what you want. And he responded back "No of course not, but that's what you want." I just texted him back saying that we've been through a lot and we both need to take some time and regroup apart from each other and remember what brought us together in the first place.



You convinced yourself it was over, but you claimed you loved him? I guess you didn't love him very much. What were the facts involved in you deciding you two had to break up?


After I had a miscarriage we were both devastated. It was something we both really wanted. When we found out we both completely shut down and pushed everyone out. We have both always been the kind of people who enjoy being alone and not wanting to spend time worrying about other people, but when we both met each other it was something completely different. When this all happened we both resorted back to our old ways. It hasn't been easy for either of us to say the least. I'm the first girl he has dated since he left his ex over two years ago after being with her for 4 1/2 years and her cheating on him constantly. He is the first guy I've dated, let alone even let myself get close to since I got out of an abusive relationship with my daughter's father last April. I basically forced myself to be happy after we split and that I would be fine moving on without him, but when Saturday came it was pretty much a reality check to the face that I'm not.

I'm not sure what your question is. Maybe you feel better after writing all this down.

I guess part of me just feels better being able to write it all down. But I guess mostly I'm wondering what I can do to help our communication and try and make myself better at being able to talk to him. I've always just shut people out of my life and I feel like that's some of what got me into this mess because it made him feel like he didn't know me anymore because he had to force me to talk about things and what's bothering me. And I guess another part of me just wanted input on whether or not I'm just making things from when I saw him Saturday into something more then they really are and ruin whatever.