how much past baggage is too much

[daddyo5423]

I am currently in a serious relationship. We are both very much in love with one another. My only hesitation with this girl is her past. Basically it goes something like this. She married her high school sweetheart and had three kids. She then got divorced and ended up in a 7 year relationship with his brother. She claims the 1st guy cheated, and she divorced him and that the brother had also been cheated on and through that they ended up together. Besides that she lives in the same suburban city and runs into both all the time, and seems to have no problem dealing with the akward moments that come with that type of situation.

Personally I think the whole situation is a mess, i don't want anything to do with this embarrassment of a situation. And there is also an outside chance she left the first one for the second. I just believe in privacy, morals and values. I sometimes think I am more ashamed of her past then she is.

I guess I am wondering if perhaps I am wrong for wanted to get her to remove herself from this mess. I want a fresh start where I am not faced with her past follies everywhere I turn

[NeilPearson]

I am currently in a serious relationship. We are both very much in love with one another. My only hesitation with this girl is her past. Basically it goes something like this. She married her high school sweetheart and had three kids. She then got divorced and ended up in a 7 year relationship with his brother. She claims the 1st guy cheated, and she divorced him and that the brother had also been cheated on and through that they ended up together. Besides that she lives in the same suburban city and runs into both all the time, and seems to have no problem dealing with the akward moments that come with that type of situation.

Personally I think the whole situation is a mess, i don't want anything to do with this embarrassment of a situation. And there is also an outside chance she left the first one for the second. I just believe in privacy, morals and values. I sometimes think I am more ashamed of her past then she is.

I guess I am wondering if perhaps I am wrong for wanted to get her to remove herself from this mess. I want a fresh start where I am not faced with her past follies everywhere I turn

She is who she is and she isn't going to change. You need to decide if it is something you can live with. If so, accept it and be supportive and just understand that's the way it is.

If not, you need to re-examine if you want to be part of the whole situation.

I would say either accept the situation, love her as she is... or get the hell out

[Way2Roux]

If you want to stay with this woman, you are going to have to accept her past

[Kathryn6586]

It does sound like a messy and embarrasing situation. The fact that she went from one brother to the next is strange. But yea you basically just need to decide if you can deal with that or not. If you feel her morals are low and you're that embarrased by it then you may want to move on...

[devonbrown]

The past is the past. You have to look at the present and the potential future. Unless the past is a problem in the present, don't worry about it. If the only reason it is a problem is because you are making it a problem, then you really have to examine how YOU are handling things in the present.

Good luck.

[warriormaiden]

I'm not gonna lie, that brother thing would trip me up. That's very shady.

[daddyo5423]

The worst part is her kids go to school and do sports with the second brothers kid. It is so awkward it is unreal. I think she is embarrassed, but is trying to put lipstick on this pig.

[daddyo5423]

I get that, but is it wrong to want a fresh start? Is it wrong to see this as a complete debacle that she should be absolutely ashamed of for herself , the children, and their father. I just want to see some form of repentance and understanding that it was completely unacceptable situation

[Shayna*]

If you love her and want to be with her, dont be scared to look past the baggage. If you dwell on her past then it will only hurt your relationship in the end. Everyone makes mistakes, and has a past. Sometimes it is not the past that we would want for the person we love, but that cant be changed. If she is trying not to dwell on the situation and look past it to be with you, then maybe you should do the same. She is probably not proud of her past, but she cant change what has happened. If you keep making it a big deal in your relationship then it will eventually tear you apart.
Just try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, and look past the baggage. If you want to be with her, then this is all you can do.

[bulrush]

She got away from (or cheated on) her ex, with someone most like her ex, his brother! Sounds like she doesn't like to work on relationships, instead she jumps from guy to guy, hoping that one will "magically" fit her needs. I see a red flag here.

[girl68]

a gf with an ex and kids will *always* have baggage and and likely her kids will almost always be her priority over you. If you don't like it there's nothing wrong with you, but you shouldn't be attempting to be with this woman.

[daddyo5423]

I appreciate everyone’s input. I have been putting lots of thought into why something like this would bug me and I have come up with several things. At the end of the day she ended up in a LTR with a guy, the part that bothers me is that it was her EX husband’s brother. In the beginning of our relationship she concealed that it was her kid’s uncle she ended up with, but honestly i was relieved to know she had been in a LTR (too many flaky girls around these parts). I do believe that guy 1 cheated on her, she is far too passionate about it and we have had some minor trust issues that stemmed from that part. But even with that at best it was a shady move to end up with his brother and at worst it is completely deviant, and maybe she wanted to "get back" at her ex by getting with his brother. I think my issue is that shows me she has some integrity and moral issues. I could never even imagine getting with my ex's sister. not to mention how my kids would react to me being with their aunt all the sudden. I have high standards on things like this. If my friend so much kissed a girl she is officially off limits.

And the more and more she reveals about her transition from her kids dad to his brother tells me that it was a complete mess and that she was as much a perpetrator as she was a victim. So at the end of the day what is left for me in this? Can I stomach being with a person that at the very least has questionable standards and values. Can she change and become a high character individual. I do love her, and I know she loves me. I can tell she is scared that I will learn more and more and want to leave. I also can tell there is more to the story than what she has given me. If I had known any of this up front would I have continued the relationship? How much should a person reveal early on? If I am honest about the situation, I am frustrated, embarrassed and sick to my stomach with disgust.

So what do I need to get past all of this with her, and get to building our life together. I think I need certain things from her. I need to know she sees her actions as wrong, that she in fact values integrity and moral high grounds. I think she should acknowledge she did her kids father wrong and perhaps even apologize. I want her to see the situation her kids are in currently living in this town with both ex’s and that they could end up being teased about their family because of her actions. I just want to know she sees this like everyone else does. She has a way of sweeping things under the carpet without acknowledging fault, this has to change. I guess I just want acknowledgment of the mistake and that this situation is a mess and not “just fine” like she tries to paint it. Those things will eventually need to happen for me to continue, I just know my limits and I don’t do well with questionable ethics and standards. However I really respect people who own their mistakes and can correct them.

[girl68]

I think it's very sad you have judged her character to the core. And that you above herself thinks he knows how to best rectify a situation that you are not part of. I do not think that being with a person you love is wrong, regardless of who it is (unless of course it's child abuse or incest). Let's be real here a 7 year relationship isn't one without love.

She only need do right by herself. She need not satisfy YOUR moral stance if they are not HER moral stance. I hope she refuses you, and leads her own life without your judgment because frankly not everyone cares to adopt the same moral standards.

[daddyo5423]

I think it's very sad you have judged her character to the core. And that you above herself thinks he knows how to best rectify a situation that you are not part of. I do not think that being with a person you love is wrong, regardless of who it is (unless of course it's child abuse or incest). Let's be real here a 7 year relationship isn't one without love.

She only need do right by herself. She need not satisfy YOUR moral stance if they are not HER moral stance. I hope she refuses you, and leads her own life without your judgment because frankly not everyone cares to adopt the same moral standards.

its not about judging her, its about compromise. Too people loving one another can/should be willing to make sacrifices or adjustments. If she had (and she has) any issue in my life, I would do all I can to correct it and give her comfort. Its a mistake to think of this as a past issue. This is something she is dealing with. I watch her kids be overcome with panic because they know he is around. Im askin her to do whats best for herself too. Why would anyone want to lay around in their own crap and then have the people they care about do the same. Sounds like you are selfish as she is being

[girl68]

Contrary, I simply disagree with YOUR morals. You're entitled to morals and having a certain standard- whatever you deem to be acceptable and not acceptable but it is a mistake to assume that one should jump on your moral code just because she loves you and you love her. What you're doing is presuming that your beliefs are the best beliefs out there... they are not necessarily you must simply accept that. By me (and her) disagreeing with you you bust out the you're selfish line. It's simple, my beliefs are not superior to yours, nor are yours superior to mine- they simply differ. I would resent you forcing your moral code down my throat regardless of your what you claim to be good intentions based on love.

I agree with you on one point and 1 point only. She should address the kids' issues. I do not however, believe she should be apologizing for her actions on choosing to be with a man who I presume loved her.