I Feel Horrible for Leaving

[Samantha221]

I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Throughout this time I have watched him “hit rock bottom” over and over again. No, he’s not an alcoholic or drug addict but he just can’t seem to find any financial stability in life. Every time he gets a job something happens that causes him to lose it. He has probably had 10 jobs since I have been with him and has never gotten anywhere with any of them. This causes a great financial burden when it comes to his living and car situation because he never has a steady income. A lot of the problems he has are directly linked to his past. 10 years ago when he was a teen, he was convicted of a felony, served a year and moved on with life. He hasn’t been back to prison or been in any legal trouble since, but it still creeps up on him and is the main reason why he can’t keep good, stable work.

Well, he has recently hit the bottom again. He lost his job and hasn’t been able to find a new one for months. He started classes at a college that is quite a distance away and someone hit him on the freeway and drove off…totaling his car. He now has no car, no job, no money and no credit and can no longer attend school because of transportation issues. He feels that he is back at square one in his life again and is completely depressed & devastated. I have helped him financially over and over and over again but I refuse to mess up my great credit score for someone who I am not even married to. I even bought him this most recent car (that is now totaled) with my own cash. I try my best to build him up when he falls and make him realize that life is worth living and will get better, but at this point I feel that I can’t do it anymore. Even with my assistance he still hasn’t been able to find any stability in his life.

I have suggested to him that he starts from the bottom and builds his way back up. Find a job that is close to home where he can take the bus and save all of his money for a new car. I feel that he needs to do this on his own without my assistance because even with my help he isn’t getting anywhere. I feel that I need to end our relationship and no longer help him financially. I can’t go through this anymore…it has caused me a depression and unbelievable amount of stress in my life for the past 5 years and all his problems are holding me back from where I WANT to be in life.

I am successful in my life and career and I am ready for marriage and children and I wanted that with HIM, BUT we are no where near that after all these years of waiting. I feel he needs to do what needs to be done to make it on his own INDEPENDENTLY. I feel horribly guilty though…like I am leaving him at his lowest point, but like I said he has hit this point many, many times before and I have never left his side. I love him very much and he is a good man that is good to me and tries so hard to succeed. It breaks my heart. He never asks me for anything, I just offer it because I hate to see him struggle and fail. My whole reason for writing this is because I need to know if I am wrong for leaving? What do you think?…when do you say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” in a relationship?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Seems to be a cycle. Time to cut the cord. Don't feel guilty, you've tried many times, and it's always the same story.

[oneandonly]

wow Kudos to you for sticking up for him for so long. I honestly think you've done enough. 5 years is long enough to turn around one's life.

You need to get out for your own sanity and growth. Don't feel bad although I know you can't help feeling that way. Who knows? Maybe this break up will be a real push for him.

[Samantha221]

Yes, that's what I was thinking. It will push him because he will no longer have me as a "saftey net" when things go wrong. I still feel horrible though, but it's defintely a cycle. I think the hardest part is the fact that we are best friends. I'd never had that before in a relationship until I met him. I guess my biggest fear is that I will leave him and never find someone who I have that closeness too again. All my other relationships were flooded with cheating and trust issues and this one isn't. I don't know which situation is worse though..I almost think I'd rather be cheated on then deal with this lol...it's painful.

What would hurt the most though is knowing that I left him and then seeing him in the future happy and successful with SOMEONE ELSE.

[Wakeup]

I almost think I'd rather be cheated on then deal with this lol...it's painful.

You don't have to have either in your life. There are men who are put together that don't cheat. You staying and bailing him out all the time is just enabling him to be a lesser man. Let him go and grow up. BTW: Here after a certain length of time being a good, law abiding citizen you can write the government to have your records sealed so that an employer can't dredge up a criminal record. 10 Years crime free is a long time. Perhaps you could advise him to look into seeing if his record can be sealed at the point (depends on what he did too). It will mean lots of letter writing and getting references about his good character though.

Somehow I don't think a 10 year ago record is causing him problems though. What excuses is he getting for gettling let go?

Anyway, I'd stop enabling him if I were you. Point him in the right direction and then wish him well.

[Samantha221]

You are right I don't have to deal with either but it's hard to see clearly past that when going through something like this. I know it's out there somewhere though...

He is already looking into getting the record cleared.

[Wakeup]

Here's a pithy (yet good) suggestion. Get him to read The Secret. He needs to start thinking with more of an abundance mentality. You didn't say what excuse they were giving him for letting him go. (I still doubt is for a 10 year ago crime) Does your guy have some kind of disorder or is unable to keep a job due to his own actions. (sans the record?)

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree with Wakeup. It's not hard to keep a job, and they don't just randomly do background checks after you've started. He's been hiding the real reason he keeps getting fired, and my guess is that he's just a ****up.

[Samantha221]

I think you guys might be right. He always says "Oh, I found out it was just a temp job and they don't need me anymore." Or that they did a background check and found out he had a felony and let him go. Or they keep messing up his paycheck so he quits. It's always something but I have always had a suspicion that maybe he really just sucks as an employee and is lying about why he gets let go. I mean come on, I have had no problem keeping a job for the last 4 years...it's not that complex. Thanks for opening up my eyes...

[Queentee]

How is it possible that some1 cannot keep a job whilst others are finding it hard to get one job. i struggled to get a job and i treat that job like its my baby . he needs to wake up and realise that no one is going to baby him.he is a grown ass man .I think you need to leave coz at the end of the day we live in the real world.there should be no such thing as taking care of someone else when you both have hands and feet to work .You are not married to him leave,run fast ,start packing plz .is hes been doing it for 5 years he can do it for 5 more years and you dont want to end up getting married to a good for nothing type of brother. You will even have to end up paying for the whole wedding and debt will follow .He sounds like a nice guy but .leave