How can she do this to me TWICE???

[dfletcherhall]

It's a complex story - my ex and I had been together for around a year, all going well. In July of this year, I got the feeling something had changed - the spontaneous 'I love you' texts stopped etc, and my gut feeling was that I was losing the love of my life. I of course did completely the wrong thing, becoming more and more clingy and needy, constantly seeking approval, trying to see what she was texting and all the really embarrassing stuff. This of course, eventually drove her away, and I was unceremoniously dumped, the reason given being 'I just don't want to be in a relationship' - even though it transpired my replacement was with her the same night!
Anyway, lets fast forward another month - we play on the same pool team, so I was forced to see her every Tuesday evening. I tried (incorrectly!) to be the friend, be supportive, ask no questions about our relationship or her new one. Fast forward another month - the 'I miss you - wanna coffee?" texts started. Of course, instead of playing it cool, I leapt at the chance. She started volunteering information about her and the other guy; tried to justify what she called 'cold feet' and all this stuff. I was so relieved, and optimistic, and within a few weeks we were back together. So much so, in fact, just 10 days ago we were choosing engagement rings, wedding dresses, the whole package. We found the perfect house, put down the deposit, arranged transfer of utilities - all sorted. The only 'hurdle' was she felt shee needed a face-to-face with the 'other guy' to explain everything (which yes, I became insecure about - they work together also!) - so, Thursday night she goes out ("I really won't be long - I love you, adore you, worship you - let me deal with this and we'll be happy for ever") - Friday we're moving in. Thursday night however, as it gets closer to midnight, she won't return my texts or calls. Early hours Friday morning, still no contact. Friday lunchtime, I'm at the house, and as the Cable man turns up I text her to ask whats going on - I get a six word reply: "I'm not moving. I am sorry". And that was it! She of course spen the night with 'him', but has claimed in a brief communication since she chickened out and didn't want to feel dependent on me. As one can imagine, I'm gutted. The emotional rollercoaster of the last few months has left me physically and emotionally exhausted, with no self-esteem, confidence, or hope. Even though I KNOW she treated me so badly, and is obviously not my long-term goal, why do I still love her so passionately, leaping at the phone every time I get a text or an email in case it's her, constantly running these negative jealous thoughts through my head that distract me to the point of no appetite, no sleep, and I'm just lost. The hopelessness and despair just overwhelm me. The rational part of me knows I need to move on, forget her, and find someone who genuinely cares for me, but the emotional part of me feels I can never be happy without her, and that part's winning. I know I need to move on, but lack the motivation and the resources to do so. I'm overwhelmingly alone and hopeless - convinced I'll die a sad lonely old man - the thought of Thanksgiving/Christmas alone fills me with such dread. I'm lost, broken, and don't know how to fix it.

[BrownBear082]

take some solace in the fact that you found out now and not later after the "i'do". Also remember this if she didn't see how special you are then she wasn't the one for you. I know what your going through and its going to be tough. Just remember you a good man and you did everything you could. You put 100% in and she didn't.

I hope this helps, and if it doesn't am sorry but you are going to be ok you will find someone special who will give you 100% of them self just as you did.

[dfletcherhall]

It's so odd - I KNOW I can get through this, and will, but the thought of feeling like this for weeks/months, just somehow makes the NOW even worse.......

[dfletcherhall]

Man, this is tough - I mean, here I am, a successful guy in his 40's, with several degrees (including one in psychology!!) - I'm a successful musician, phenomenal pool player, with a great job and career - so why do I feel so crappy? How do I let go of the fact that this woman controls my happiness and my thoughts? I've been dumped before, and recovered before - hasn't everyone - but this one is killing me!!

[Wakeup]

This "dump" is harder because she took you on an emotional roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows and your balance is off now. Your ego is bruised as well as your heart. She's a stupid bitch. You haven't realized that so I think it's time you got a little mad at her for being an undecisive cow who has no regard for anyone but herself. Then you need to forgive yourself for being so keen to be with someone so inconsiderate so that you can come to terms with things and get to the stage of being glad that she's no longer in your life because you certainly don't want anything to do with someone who is so screwed up that they appear to be unable to be happy unless they're jerking someone about. Don't let thoughts of her stagnate you in this state. She's not worth you making pain over her your best friend so get moving on your recovery ~ as you know there will be another girl but you have to be emotionally well in order to find her.

[oldskool83]

she sounds younger then you and not mature enough for your level. she also has a problem jumping into things it seems. some people can only function i chaos, which sounds like she had other isses as well, somthing was going on with the other guy, she missed in you what the other guy was lacking, but once seeing the other guy again shit prob started back up.

your in love with her because you are loving what she was, not what she is now. actions are speaking louder then words here, and gut feelings are always right. let this one go because you will add more stress to your life when someone else could add happyness.

[dfletcherhall]

Thanks guys - I so wanna feel that way about her - but right now it's like I'm pretending to feel that way - because the few logical brain cells I have left tell me all the right stuff to do, think, act - but the overemotional ones keep winning - but I put on the smile, go to work, all the stuff - I just need some peace - I hate waking up with that instant knot in my chest and stomach - I want to be 'normal' again, and I don't feel I have the strength to keep going. This sucks!!!

[dfletcherhall]

So, tonight I have to see HER - I need to get the mobile phones back that I took out on a family plan for her and the daughters - obviously I can't continue to pay for a family's-worth of cell-phone use. I'm trying to build myself up enough to be strong and dignified and end it with closure. Not loking forward to it, but it's the last outstanding detail. Hopefully then I can properly start to build some kind of recovery, and move on. I so want to feel 'normal' again.

[steviej]

You're a musician, this is the time you'll probably write the best stuff you'll ever make!

[dfletcherhall]

lol - thanks Steve - I'm slowly trying to inch my way into a recovery - the continuous obsessive negative spiral of thoughts is strangling me from the inside - I'm gonna have to try hypnosis or meditation or something...!!!

[dfletcherhall]

Yeah, I have to let this one go - but don't know how - every waking moment my thoughts are of her; everything I see/wear/eat/smell/do reminds me of her. I can't see a future without her in it. Her last words to me as we swapped our respective items on Thursday were 'I'm sorry - I love you' - and then walked off without looking back. I'm so hurt. The constant anxiety/adrenaline causes a permanent chest pain. I so want to move on, get past this.

[Horseyguy]

This "dump" is harder because she took you on an emotional roller coaster ride of extreme highs and lows and your balance is off now. Your ego is bruised as well as your heart. She's a stupid bitch. You haven't realized that so I think it's time you got a little mad at her for being an undecisive cow who has no regard for anyone but herself. Then you need to forgive yourself for being so keen to be with someone so inconsiderate so that you can come to terms with things and get to the stage of being glad that she's no longer in your life because you certainly don't want anything to do with someone who is so screwed up that they appear to be unable to be happy unless they're jerking someone about. Don't let thoughts of her stagnate you in this state. She's not worth you making pain over her your best friend so get moving on your recovery ~ as you know there will be another girl but you have to be emotionally well in order to find her.

Nice one, couldnt have put it better myself

[Kyeema]

Yeah, I have to let this one go - but don't know how - every waking moment my thoughts are of her; everything I see/wear/eat/smell/do reminds me of her. I can't see a future without her in it. Her last words to me as we swapped our respective items on Thursday were 'I'm sorry - I love you' - and then walked off without looking back. I'm so hurt. The constant anxiety/adrenaline causes a permanent chest pain. I so want to move on, get past this.

And you will... probably not today or this week, but in a while you will be able to move on and find somebody else who really loves and appreciates you... but for now... why not let your emotions win over your brain and feel all the unpleasant and painful stuff that is there? It's an emotional situation you're in... and it won't be forever and the sooner you go through all this and face it, the sooner it will be over... don't think about how long this will feel so bad... take one day at a time or even just the next 5 minutes if everything is falling down... you always can get through the next 5 minutes...

So give yourself some time and why not really write some songs about it and use this as an outlet for the emotional turmoil inside of you? Perhaps then some day you will look back and thank her for giving you the material for your best songs ever... everything is possible...

And truth is, she lost more than you did, because you are a wonderful, loving, caring and emotional guy of a kind she will hardly ever find again. You on the other hand love her for what you see in her, but not what she is right now. In fact I think it's her who has the low self-esteem, not you. She seems to be not really grown up and hasn't made up her mind on what she wants in her life. You, however, are and have.

By leaving you again under these incredible circumstances (I am sorry you have to go through all that!), she left you shaken, of course, she was the love of your life (but perhaps she really wasn't and the love of your life is still to come into your life?), but deep inside you're strong and stable and although she left you, I'm sure you're coping better than she does. She's just running away. Again. But don't you worry about her, it was her choice and now she has to get through it and grow on her own. You can't save anybody else but yourself. You take good care of yourself and you'll see, sooner than you think the sun will be back in your life!

Big hug
Kyeema

PS. I know this poem doesn't really cover broken heart pain, but somehow it fits anyway for anyone who needs to move on and leave somebody/something he loved behind:

THE JOURNEY

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~Mary Oliver (from Dream Work, 1986)~

[McRich01]

Fool me once, Shame on you. Fool me twice, Shame on me.

P/s, You won't die a sad lonely man, Just because this relationship has not worked out, Doesn't mean that's it, Just pick your self up over time, Get your self out there, Go find some amazing women who respects you !

[Eagles81]

DFletcher -

You commented on my thread, and I just read yours' and it's scary how similar our situations are, despite your's being a lot more involved and serious obviously. I wish I could tell you what to do to feel better. I think when girls do the whole "I love you, I'm sorry <now turn and walk away>" they think it's better than just walking away. Maybe they think they're helping your ego... but it makes it worse. It leaves you with more and more questions, like "if you love me why the **** are you doing this to me?" Because I think the truth is they loved the relationship, the ups and downs, the feeling of being in love (look to some of "wakeup's" excellent advice).. but the girl didn't necessarily love you(or me in my case) as a person they want to be with. Listen man, it's been not even a full week for my breakup..but it kills, it hurts so much. I can't even imagine the pain you are feeling right now. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Everyone will tell you "take your mind off things, there are other fish in the sea, she's a b1tch and she didn't deserve you, etc..." While good advice, it's much easier said than done. I'm with ya man. Feel free to private message me if you want to chat some more with someone who feels where you're coming from. Hang in there.