Are we getting back together??? Need help!

[Kealy]

Hi guys, after torturing my friends for 2 months I thought I would come here to see if anyone has some wisdom to depart!

I'll try to be short as possible with this. Met my ex bf 2 years ago when I was studying in England (I'm Irish, he's English). He is my first love, my first everything. I'd never felt such joy in all my life and I can truly say the happiest times of my life were spent with him. Basically, I moved back home for a few months after I qualified and we stayed together. I ended up finding a job back in England and moved to a different city closer to him so we could be together. |It wasn't easy. It still isn't a year on. I know very few people here and my job was demanding to start with. It put a little pressure on us but for the most part we were very happy.

So the break up came 2 months ago. I was becoming frustrated that he never wanted to sleep over at my house. It sounds so futile and I cringe as I write this. How could I end a relationship over this?? |Something so stupid! But it had got to the stage where he point blank refused to discuss it, even talk about compromise. He said he couldn't sleep well beside someone else, it's not personal, he can't relax out of his own environment etc etc. I became so wound up that I'd made such a huge sacrifice to move here for him and he can't even spend the night. But honestly, everything else in our relationship was great. Even intimacy. We were very much in love and best friends. So one evening I just snapped after I'd asked him to come spend the night as I wouldn't see him the next 2 following weekends. He said no. Point blank. I got angry and ended it. It was over the phone.

I hate myself for it. I love his person so so much. I immediately regretted it, realising we could work through this. I went to see him the next day but he was cold and said to give him space. I'm ashamed to say I begged and pleased for him back. At times I have actually felt suicidal. I've felt so alone, so utterly heart broken I was unable to function. We were no contact for short periods, but often in touch. So now I'm very confused about where this is going....

He agreed to see me 2 weeks ago. We met and walked on the beach and went out for a meal. He held my hand. He hugged me. He said he missed me and loves me. He was reluctant to talk about getting back together straight away. He says he doesn't know what he wants. That we can't expect to just get back together as nothing has been fixed. I Havre realised in losing him that I don't need him to change, I just want him. I told him this. We still text pretty much daily, all quite friendly, but he still has not arranged a date to see me again. I sent him a birthday gift a few weeks ago, and he still hasn't opened it. He won't accept my friendship back on facebook. I am so confused about this.

I am in a limbo with my life. If he decides he doesn't want me anymore I plan to go back home to Ireland to live as I cannot stay in that place where I went to be with him. Everything reminds me of him. But what I want is to live there and be with him. My family and friends are disgusted that he is being so indecisive and think it is so unfair to leave me hanging especially when he knows the position I am in with my life. But I don't know what to think. Is he still in contact because he's lonely or is he really missing me? Wouldn't you think he would want to talk about our situation to sort it out if he really wanted to rather than ignore it? Wouldn't he be planning on seeing me again? I feel like I'm just dangling, waiting for him to decide if I'm worth having. I know he knows I love him desperately. I know he loves me but I am so confused. I am so lonely and scared for the future. I don't know if I should tell him he needs to decide rather than leave me hanging...I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you so much for reading guys.

[steviej]

Its time you stopped being a doormat to this guy. All the hard work and sacrifice has been on your part. He doesn't like staying over? Sh1t excuse, what he's saying is he likes to have as much time away from you as possible.
Stop chasing him, it's not attractive and it won't win him back. All its doing is saying 'i don't care how bad you treat me, i'll put up with it and beg for more!'

Cut him out of your life and move back to your family and friends and start enjoying your life again.

[Kealy]

I'm so afraid that if I leave, I will never ever find anyone like him again and regret the decision completely. I am applying for jobs back home and wouldn't move until I was sure I had work. I think what I'm going to do is play this to and fro-ing game until I get offered a job and then explain that he needs to give me an answer and hope that will work. This sucks so much :'(

[steviej]

You're worried you won't find anyone like him again... Someone who doesn't make any effort to see you despite you moving to a new country to be with him, someone who is happy to not see you for weeks at a time...
Don't worry, you'll have no trouble finding another guy like him! :p

Time to go no contact, give him space to realise what he's missing. There is nothing worse. Than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you, don't put yourself through that.

Concentrate now on making you happy and improving relationships with the friends you have over here (or making new ones).
Don't give him any ultimatums, if he wants to get back with you then it has to be because he wants to, not out of you forcing it.

[Wakeup]

But it had got to the stage where he point blank refused to discuss it, even talk about compromise. He said he couldn't sleep well beside someone else, it's not personal, he can't relax out of his own environment etc etc.

What? He never invited you to stay with him either?
So what happens if you get back with him? Do you spend the rest of your lives living apart? Separate bedrooms from the get go? He has some intimacy issues that he hasn't cared to get help for or, he just doens't want anything more with you then what he was getting. You were'nt happy with that so why would you want to settle for it? In a bit of time you'd be right back where you were where you were fed up with him not progressing the relationship once again and you'd have to go through all these awful feelings all over again. Why would you want to keep doing that. He won't compromise so it means you have to concede and you're not happy with what you'd be conceding to.

Leave him alone, don't contact him anymore, I think he's just slowly fading away hoping you'll learn to adjust without him. If he loved you and wanted to be with you the way you want him to be then he'd be seeing you more, pursuing you more and you'd be happy and content. You're not anywhere near happy and content and you wouldn't be if you got back together with him with nothing having changed.

That's the truth of the matter. Read the replies you've gotten so far and logically think it through.

I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you thought they would but you should really go no contact with him, allow yourself to grieve the end of your relationship, keep busy, join classes, co-ed sports teams, join a hobby group, read up on self-improvement and you'll soon enough be ready to meet someone new who will appreciate who he has in front of him.

[Kealy]

Thanks for your replies. I want to show him that I won't stand for being treated like this and so I haven't replied to his texts today. But he keeps texting me asking if I'm ok..which is not like him at all. He is normally so strong and so together. Why would he be wanting to just let me down gently by being like this? I have seen a side to him I didn't know existed through all of this, but of course it doesn't stop me wanting him. I am secretly hoping that showing him I can be without him will make him decide he does want me because I've been too desperate this far I'm not strong enough to cut him out completely

[Wakeup]

I'm not strong enough to cut him out completely

That's like a cigarette smoker saying "I'm not strong enough to give up this habit for good." If you want to be happy and find a man that can give you all of him and not just a bit of him (like this guy is doing) then you'll make yourself be strong enough. Nothing has changed, nothing will change and you trying to manipulate a change out of him is counter-productive to you getting over him because you're now waiting to see if the no contact makes him love you the way you want him to love you. Really???????

Anyway, I suspect you'll handle it the way you feel is the way you can. Good luck.

[steviej]

Unfortunately, most people only learn through their own experiences, not through the experiences of others (advice).
I get the feeling nothing said here will make any difference to what you are going to do, so i'll just say try and put yourself first for once, instead of someone else.

Let us know how you get on! Good luck.

[Kealy]

I did it. I told him I need an answer, and if he won't give it to me then I have made a decision. It's me over him. I have a life too, and there are two of us in this. I asked him why he kept texting me like everything is ok, and does he really see us getting back together. He just said 'because I miss you'. He's been using me because he's lonely but doesn't really have any intention of us getting together again. He cried and said he is sorry and he loves me so much but it's not enough because the problems we had are unfixable. (Only because he won't change). I know he's right. I moved to this country for him. I told him I'm moving home when I get a job there and not to contact me again. That I should have had this closure two months ago. I told him I love him so much, thanked him for the best years of my life, and wished him all the best in everything he does. And left with my head held high.

Thank you for the inspiration to let me realise what I deserve.

[Wakeup]

Now you know for sure and you can begin to heal. I give you much credit for taking back your personal power and putting control of yourself back into your own hands. That alone will give you the self-worth, self-respect and confidence to heal from this all that much quicker. If he should realize he's made a mistake, make some guidlines and relationship boundaries that you both agree to adhere to or you'll just be going back to the same old situation.

Best wishes.

[steviej]

Well done, can't have been easy! As wakeup says, be wary of him getting back in touch, now he's lost his control over you and you are your own person again he might suddenly decide he wants you back, but only because he can't have you!

Be excited at starting a new life chapter

[xiaokanla]

There is nothing worse.

[Lovehelper]

Wow good job!