a month later and im still hurting so bad

[headsashed]

Well its been just about a month since my ex of 2 years dumped me and the pain is just so unreal,i know a month isnt that long but i thought it would have got a little easier,but its got worse. I suppose im half to blame though because my ex has kept constant contact since we split,99% of the time she was the 1 to txt or call me 1st,ive only responded,sometimes ive ignored it as i was hurting too much.

Most the calls and txts have been general chit chat but they always end in arguments because we always ended up talking about our relationship. The other night i was really drunk and replied to her txts and they was nasty,i felt better after but only for that night. Yesterday was the 1st time we spoke properly since i sent them nasty txts and things seemed ok,like a fool i asked if she wanted to come for a coffee or something and she said she wants to see me and misses me but its porbably best we dont see each other and would let me know later on. In the end she didnt come but we still txt each other,i asked if she thought it would be worth a shot in giving in 1 try to save our 2 year relationship,she was saying stuff like i dont think it will work etc,so we left it at that. She then said its upto me if we stay friends or not and i just said i dont know because im hurting too much.

During these 4 weeks she has been pretty hot and cold with me,shes said things from i love and miss u,to things like lets be friends,Even sometimes we would be talkign and she would get snappy at me for no reason.

Our 2 year relationship was great,not many arguments etc,holidays,days out,the lot,then that 1 day she said she wasnt happy and it broke me.
Ive asked her if theres anyone else,she says no,she just wasnt happy,even though up until that day she dumped me she was normal. I really am hurting so bad and ive tried everything to get over her,from drinking with my friends to NC,tried being friendly etc,nothing has worked.
I know deep down it really is over between us,but why always contact me then go cold after a while,it hurts me. I do love her and want her back but i know its never going to happen now. i hardly slept last night and when i did fall to sleep i dreamt about her with another guy,so u can imagine how im feeling right now,and ive not heard anything from her today. grrr,think i need to give my head a shake.

[Krik]

Sorry to hear about the pain.. I know how hard things can be..

One thing I want to say about your story.. You said she kept in constant contact with you, even though she was the one that broke up with you. This is the worst thing you can do.

You need to stop responding to her calls and texts, and tell her that its best you take a break because this is not helping either of you.

For one, she will use these calls to get over you, while you are still hurting, and two, it will keep you thinking that maybe there is a chance, and not help you to move on.

Sorry you are going through this pain, it will get easier, but you need to take that first step and break contact, completely. Not permanently, but just so there is enough time for you to stand on your own to feet.

Use this time effectively to find a new hobby, do things you have always wanted to do, and work on yourself.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.

Kirk

[McRich01]

headsashed, Sorry to hear about your pain in relation to your recent separation from your Ex Girlfriend.

I to came out of a 2 Year relationship in June this year, I can tell you that it is the worst pain ever, It feels like a bomb has gone off in your chest, In fact i can't describe anything like how i felt. I was an absolute mess, The girl i loved so much and meant the world to me walked out on me.

In the first stages of Heartbreak, I actually found that I wasn't after advice, But I was after reassurance, Which is the case for many people who are left Heartbroken, We immediately seek reassurance as to whether we will get through this, Which is where i can honestly say to you, You will be okay, And you will get through this ! (Take it from someone who's been there).

You have to change your focus in life, You can not hang onto 'False Hope' or the thoughts of getting back together, In fact, You're making the biggest mistake ! You are still holding onto Contact with her, Which trust me, Will only make things worse.

You separated for a reason, The absolute number one rule to 'Getting Over Someone' is to in fact cut all contact with them ! Why ? Well, Think of it like quitting smoking, Its near enough impossible at the start, But distance and time away from smoking will actually make your body 'Get over it' and the addiction will fade with time, This is exactly like getting over an EX, Distance, Time away and absence are the keys to moving on ! You have got to stop talking to her, Block her Facebook (I did with mine, And still have), Block her number or get a new one (I did). You have to give yourself time to recover ! Your mental state of mind is crippled right now, You've lost someone who meant a lot to you.

You have to divert your attention and thoughts away from thinking about 'The good times you had with your ex', If you continually bring up really good pictures of your ex in your mind, Those amazing times spent together, You will hurt your self, I found bringing up how she made me feel was good to divert my attention from this, You have to make a huge mental effort to help yourself through this.

Think about this,

If shes a 'Great Girl', Then you must have been a Great Guy to have her right ? So, Trust me, You will move on with time, And you will find yourself someone again, More importantly you need to find yourself first, You need to find who you are without her, And trust me, When you do, You'll Probably look back in 6 months and think 'Why did i make myself suffer so much', I do, I regret begging for my ex to come back, The best move i ever made was by cutting all contact, The first 4 weeks where extremely difficult, But if i can do it, So can you, I haven't spoken, Seen or communicated with my ex for over 3 months ! And trust me, I'm well on the road to recovery.

As for the dreams, I still dream about mine, 2 years is a long time to spend with one person, Its because you miss them, Your mind is subconsciously thinking about them, Unfortunately this will fade with time, And yes, The chances are that they are either with someone else, Interested in someone else, Or talking to someone else, Mine did, It hurt me when i found out, But at the same time it was closure for me.

Remember, No Contact...

Trust me buddy, It will get better !

I wish you nothing but the best ! Take care and look after yourself.

[Devilsbane]

Back away bud.

You can't keep looking at that. You are never going to be able to move on if she is still in your life, especially if you break down and invite her out only to be rejected. (I don't blame you for trying, I do stupid stuff like that too).

Back away for you. Find someone new to occupy your mind if you have to. But you are right, a month is so long and yet so insignificant. About a month ago I started trying to work things out with my ex. At first there was sort of someone else so it was very hot and cold, mostly cold. I was devastated and basically stopped eating. Plus side to that is I dropped 20 pounds in about 3 weeks (and I wasn't overweight to begin with. 178 down to 158). Everyday was like a dagger. But you know what? Time really does move by pretty quick. I never thought I'd be able to do a month of this, but here I am. You have a lot of life to live, and 10 years from now the month or 2 of pain will barely even be a memory.

To quote Monty Python, Always look on the bright side of life. Go youtube the song, I sing it everytime I question how things are going and it really helps to refocus me. Life is still good, I have many good things going for me. If she doesn't want to be with me, it is her loss because I know that I'm a great guy.

Good luck and stay strong. It won't be like this forever.

[lakers.rulez]

Hey Headsashed, Sorry to hear about your break-up and your pain. I'm in the same boat with you. I got dumped 5 months ago and I still have that pain. I started to do lots of different activities now. I run, go to the gym, and whenever I feel down I tend to go online search for inspirational quotations and started to write and post it on my bed room wall. Now, I decided to go learn how to play guitar. The break-up is devastating as I'm with her for 8 years and all the sudden "I don't feel the love... Letz just be friends". But I know she is probably seeing someone else. I don't hate her. I don't wish bad things happen to her etc... Matter of fact, I wish her well and be happy. There's nothing you can do when your love one decided to be apart. You'll just have to accept it and move on. Time will heal us. I like this quote "Life isn't simple. But the beauty of it is you can always start over. It'll get easier" I forgot who wrote that. How about this one "What can't be cured must be endured. Time and patience will make them easy." Here is another "to love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

I hope you feel better as time goes by. It's a very difficult thing to endure but it's not impossible, as the word itself says "I'm possible".

[Kyeema]

Hey you,

you have been writing here since July about your "ex"...

Do you still remember she kissed that other guy from work and that's why she broke up and wanted NC for a week? This is what you posted in your first thread... so it's been nearly 3 months now and you're still caught in the drama your ex creates for you...

Nothing will change unless you change it, Headsashed, YOU have to move on and let her go not matter what does or how she reacts... you have to make this decision... so... what are you holding on to? A girl who cheated on you, broke up with you and still uses you whenever she needs you... you are worth more than that! It's time you started to show some self-respect and got her out of your life for good! How long do you want to endure this (self-inflicted) pain? Yes, she texts you, but it's you who answers her texts, it's you who asks whether you should give it another try and she always says no hurting you again... but YOU asked the question Headsashed and she just gave you the answer you already knew all along before!

Believe me, I know how hard it is to split up, to be dumped (for me it was 8 years of relationship, the love of my life as I thought), how much it hurts and how easy questions like that slip out of your mouth... that's why you need to stop replying to her texts and seeing her... at least for a while... long enough for you to pick yourself up and feel better, accept the separation and start to move on with your life without her...

I know it's hard, but you have to do what's best for you... you have to stop torturing yourself, it's no more her fault, she just does what's best for her (of course it's not fair), she does whatever she needs to feel good, so now it's up to you to start doing what's best for yourself! She won't do it for you, nor will anybody else. Start taking responsibility of your life and finally move on!

You deserve way better than her and some day you will find it!

Feel hugged
Kyeema

[headsashed]

thankyou for all the replies.
kyeema,we got back together after the last incident,things seemed great again,everything basically went back to normal, or so i thought. I know its time to let go and thats probably why im hurting so bad, i also know its all down to me now but i keep failing,im not strong enough and i dont know why,ive tried everything to get over her but nothing seems to be working.
Yesterday i did what i thought was right to get closure,aftera few txts from her i decided to send her a message,basically saying i need to move on,wish u all the best,ill not contact u etc.. It was probably the wrong thing to do but it kind of felt good,it wasnt a ploy to win her back either,i just thought it would be nice to say bye nicely and leave things good.
She txt me after that sayig thanx and she loves me too and like a fool i asked 1 more thing,i told her to be honest with me now because later on it would hurt me more if i found out,so i asked if there was someone else. She said no,so i just ok,but when i got up this morning there was a txt from her asking why i was up at that time,i havent replied,i cant.
On the other hand,ive been talking to this new girl on a social site,she looks nice and sounds nice,we exchanged numbers and have been txting,she wants to meet now,ive said ok but i know its the wrong thing to do as im still inlove with my ex,she also lives about an hours drive from me so it would be harder to see her. I think it maybe too soon to meet her but then again it might actually take my mind off my ex for a little while and help me move on,but i cant use a innocent person for my own needs,its not fair.

[Kyeema]

You are strong enough! You will get through it! And if this new girl helps you, meet her, but be honest with her about your situation so she can decide for herself and in case it's too much for her back off... that's all you have to do to not use her - be honest!

And I think it's good you texted your ex that you want to move on and no contact... now you just have to stick to it no matter how hard it is... but only you can do it! Your ex obviously still gains a lot from your texts so she won't stop... you have to! Block her number if you need to...

You're strong, Headsashed, but up to now you have used your energy to cope with all the trouble in your relationship... now target your energy elsewhere... in moving on, meeting new people, building your own life... at least that's what I found... now that my ex is gone I have so much more energy that I finally get things done! I realized how much energy I had put into helping and supporting him and making myself smaller than I really am... now I have all this energy left for myself and I use it! You can do the same... pull your energy away from her und use it for yourself... great things may happen this way...

Love and light
Kyeema

[headsashed]

i know its now upto me to be strong,my ex hasnt text since this morning either,tbh i think she is actually moving on herself,maybe thats whats hurting too,i dunno.
I told this new girl today that i split with my ex a month ago and im still not over her,she understood and was glad i was honest,and shes literally still txting me,so thats a good sign.
What i have failed to mention in my previous posts is that ive been an emotional wreck this past month, 1st my ex dumps me which shattered my heart,then i lost my job a week later,so financially im a mess now and im close to losin my home,a week later my cousin end up on life support and he still is to this day,the day after my uncle died. So it all got to me and ive really struggled,maybe thats part of the reason ive replied to my ex,because im obviousley still close to her,well with love,and think she is the 1 to comfort me.

[Kyeema]

Hi Headsashed,

when bad things happen, they never happen alone... trust me I know... and 2011 is a tough year for all who want to grow personally, it's the year of change... my ex broke up with me and left me with 3 dogs, an old, yet-to-be-renovated house (which he had promised to do, but never finished) in a place we moved to because he wanted to live in this area and some debts, my favorite uncle died, my washing machine and several other household appliances broke, my oldest dog was diagnosed of heart insuffiency... have I mentioned that my Dad has suffered from apallic syndrom since 1998? Shall I go on? Still I try to keep my chin up and want to trust that the challenges I'm given are there because I can manage all this and find my way through... some times I'm so tired of all this because I'm so overwhelmed by all the negative stuff that I feel I can breathe... but I'd never give up even if I feel like it!

What I wanted to say is that you're not the only one going through hard stuff and lots of it and that I trust in you and know that you will be able to get through all of it even stronger than you are now...

Are you able to work? Then I'd suggest you first start looking for a job... being out for work all day will keep your mind of a bit... and once you've got a fix income again you will feel better about yourself... don't you think?

You're not alone, Headsashed, and you're strong - you'll get through all this and when you're ready you'll find a girl who really loves you for who you are... till then just concentrate on yourself!

Lots of hugs,
Kyeema

[McRich01]

thankyou for all the replies.
kyeema,we got back together after the last incident,things seemed great again,everything basically went back to normal, or so i thought. I know its time to let go and thats probably why im hurting so bad, i also know its all down to me now but i keep failing,im not strong enough and i dont know why,ive tried everything to get over her but nothing seems to be working.
Yesterday i did what i thought was right to get closure,aftera few txts from her i decided to send her a message,basically saying i need to move on,wish u all the best,ill not contact u etc.. It was probably the wrong thing to do but it kind of felt good,it wasnt a ploy to win her back either,i just thought it would be nice to say bye nicely and leave things good.
She txt me after that sayig thanx and she loves me too and like a fool i asked 1 more thing,i told her to be honest with me now because later on it would hurt me more if i found out,so i asked if there was someone else. She said no,so i just ok,but when i got up this morning there was a txt from her asking why i was up at that time,i havent replied,i cant.
On the other hand,ive been talking to this new girl on a social site,she looks nice and sounds nice,we exchanged numbers and have been txting,she wants to meet now,ive said ok but i know its the wrong thing to do as im still inlove with my ex,she also lives about an hours drive from me so it would be harder to see her. I think it maybe too soon to meet her but then again it might actually take my mind off my ex for a little while and help me move on,but i cant use a innocent person for my own needs,its not fair.

Best way to be, Don't hold onto her any longer, I did, And from what you've wrote it sounds pretty similar to what i went through.

Just be careful about meeting someone new, Remember your emotions are all over the place.

Best of luck.

[headsashed]

Thanx again for the replies,my internet has been cut off so im on my phone,i wont jump into a new relationship,because i stll love my ex,things again kicked off last night,i was told yesterday that this guy had msg my ex somet about he heard she wanted to do bad things with him,she had replied saying come out and ill show u,.. that just hit me so i txt her saying i hated her etc,i was wrong to txt her but i waa fuming,she then kept ringing my phone but i wouldnt answer,in the end i did,silly me,we argued again,but she kept on the phone,i asked her if what she had done with my long msg id sent other day,she said she had deleted it because she didnt want to keep reading it,but yet this msg from that guy is still there,she said theres a msg that ud probably take tge wring way and she is only goin out ti have fun with her friends,..its the hurt i feel when thinking of her with another man after not even a month thst got me angry and send that txt,im stupid snd need slapping,maybe i should oppologise,i dunno,im just stupid and will never learn.