My girlfriend of almost 4 years still refuses to french kiss me

[Cambridge]

I'm at the point of ending the relationship. We have sex, but it just doesn't seem intimate; she jumps off as soon as were done. I thought it would change given the amount of time and now realize she's set in her ways. We discussed this and she told me the peck on the lips she does allow never was given to any of her previous boyfriends and I should be thankful of that. Also, she never wants to cuddle. Am I right to move on?

[bloodtippedrose]

Was she ever molested as a child or did she watch her parents go through a nasty divorce?
She could be afraid of intimacy, or a massive prude. Lucky to get a peck on the lips? Thats just wrong.
It could be a foreshadow of her giving up on sex altogether after marriage, who knows.

[Cambridge]

Thanks Bloodtippedrose.....she mentioned to me before that it is very common that sex is practically non-existent (once a week at best) or stops after marriage......there just seems to be too many red flags; my hope was that she would change.

[Tanguerra]

There are a few possibilities going on here. It is possible she has been raped or molested of course. If so, therapy is definitely advised as it would not be good for her to carry this with her the rest of her life. If you suspect that, it is something you might want to very, very gently raise with her. You could start by saying something like - 'I heard a story at work/was talking to a guy today about this girl who was molested as a child. She has a lot of fear about sex now. She doesn't enjoy it. Gosh, that must be tough ...'

It could be that she has had unpleasant sexual experiences in her youth and just 'doesn't get it' that it can actually be pleasant and enjoyable. It could be that you yourself might need to do some studying up on sexual technique, spend more time on foreplay, work on building intimacy without any sexual connotations, etc. It might not be 'all her fault'. After all, it takes two to tango, eh?

It could be that she just doesn't like the way you kiss. Sorry, but it's possible. Maybe she finds it a bit too 'slobbery' but is too polite to tell you or doesn't want to hurt your feelings? It happens. Everyone's different. You could try saying to her 'show me how you would like me to kiss you' and just keep still and let her do it to you the way she likes it. She might start with a quick peck, but if you keep it playful and fun, she might then try being a bit more adventurous. You could make it into a bit of a game "Pretend I'm Johnny Depp (or George Clooney or whoever) - how would you kiss Johnny Depp? I bet he'd get more than a quick peck, eh?" Whatever you do, don't go all 'slobbery' on her or it will go very pear shaped very quickly. You might never get the full 'tongues' experience, but you might find things improve if you take it slowly and gently and let her take it to the level that she's comfortable with. If you can find a way to kiss that both of you enjoy, it could lead to an improved intimacy between you.

As to sex, how often do you just touch her affectionately without having sex in mind? Do you sometimes just give her a gentle touch on the shoulder in passing, a quick hug for no reason, a nice neck rub without an 'ulterior motive'? Some women, especially after a while, begin to see sex as something of a 'chore'. Dreadful, yes, but it happens, even if they have previously really enjoyed sex with their partner. At the first sign of intimacy or affection from their partner they can start to 'freeze up' because they think 'Oh no, he wants sex, I'm not in the mood / I'm tired / I don't want to / I've got so much work to do'. Try, ever so gently, just being affectionate without expecting it to lead to sex. It could take a while, but you might notice she starts to loosen up and relax a little.

Have you tried a little good old fashioned romance? After you've been together for a while you can get a bit lazy about all that 'mushy stuff' then wonder why the 'sizzle' has gone out of the relationship. Take her out to dinner and a movie. Give her little compliments. Bring home a bunch of flowers for no reason. Sit and listen to her talk about her day or do something she likes you to do, like go shopping with her or whatever, just to please her. It's amazing what a bit of positive care and attention can achieve. Don't expect to be 'rewarded' with sex after this though. Do it for it's own sake (keep your fingers crossed of course - you never know...)

Do you get along well apart from the bedroom? Do you like each other's company? Do you make each other laugh? Do you have fun together from time to time? Mystifyingly some men will be grumpy, moody, distant or cross with their partner all day then suddenly expect the woman to be all 'in the mood' at bedtime as if by magic. Female libido just doesn't work that way. Annoyingly perhaps you have to be nice to your partner ALL THE TIME to keep her sweet.

If none of the above is working it would definitely be time to get some outside help. It is time for some serious relationship counselling, possibly also a visit to a sex therapist. Don't ignore problems like this and expect them to fix themselves. I certainly would not be wanting to marry someone who was already emotionally and physically cold towards me. That would be opening up a world of pain for both of you.

[Cambridge]

THANK YOU...TANGUERRA for your advice. As it turns out she was raped quite a while back. She's had many bad experiences with men, but still pragmatic and does realize there are good ones too. When we kiss it's like pecking; I've never been close to having my tongue near because she purses her lips and never lets her guard down no matter how romantic the situation. We talked about this and she says that's just the way I am. I'm very affectionate and she even tells me this; I have to initiate holding hands, hugging, etc. She never initiates these gestures. Romantic things don't seem to change her behavior. As far as sex being a chore, I seem to believe she thinks this as well. I can give her oral pleasure, but she tells me she won't give me any till we're married. It's not what she says, it's her body language. She pulls away alot when I touch her after sex. She doesn't want to meet my parents or my brother, I hugged her in public one time and she chastised me. She hates public displays of affection. We do have great conversations and can talk for hours and hours though and we make each other laugh. We talk to each other 4 times a day if we're not together. There are bright points in our relationship too, but I'm not feeling like I'm loved even though she tells me she loves me. I have all these red flags and still have hope, but I'm tired and don't want to invest more time into something that very likely will get worse.

[Tanguerra]

Yes. You definitely need to work on this problem together and come up with a solution. Under no circumstances should you get married without fixing this problem. You will both end up being miserable. Worst case scenario since you say you enjoy each other's company and like talking to each other etc. is that you should aim to become 'just friends'. However, she will carry this problem into her next relationship as well and it's unlikely to cure itself on its own. Some people are just less outwardly affectionate than others though and if you are just not compatible in that way and it's not something she thinks is a problem that needs to be worked on you have a problem on your hands.

If you both value the relationship and want it to improve you really might want to consider seeing a sex therapist to help her work through her issues with sexuality in the wake of the assault. You'd see a doctor if you had a broken leg, wouldn't you? It's wise to consult a professional if you have a problem like this too. Or, if that's a bit too much you could try to find a Tantric Sex workshop somewhere in your area. Tantric practices usually focus initially on just holding each other and building trust and intimacy with your clothes ON. This could be a good first step? If she's not even willing to consider doing something like this with you it's time for a major rethink.

[Boisdevie]

She needs therapy and if that doesn't change the situation between you then you need to move on.

[Cambridge]

Thanks again Tanguerra, and merci beaucoup Boisdevie....I'll ask her about therapy, but since I know her really well, she'll no doubt say I don't have a problem and love it or leave it. I'll try. Thanks!

[Tanguerra]

Well, you know you can lead a horse to water.... If she simply refuses to acknowledge there's a problem or do anything about it and it's very important to you (as, of course, this is) you need to make sure she understands that this is putting the future of the relationship in jeopardy. Try to have a rational discussion with her (no shouting, crying or carrying on). It's not an easy topic for most people to discuss, but it's important that you discuss it all the same. It might also be a good move for you to start seeing someone about it in the first instance, to get some advice and suggestions, and to show her that you are prepared to 'walk the walk' with her, not just try to 'fix' her.