Would anyone even WANT to be with me?

[downandaboutout]

I'm in a bit of a rut in life right now, and I'm not even sure it's worth my time to pursue any sort of relationship.

I'm a 22 year old male, I go to school full time and I live with my parents. I'm sure some of you think the school thing is great, and I do too, but as hard as I'm working, it still doesn't help me feel like any less of a loser; I can't imagine that any self-respecting woman would want to be with someone my age who can't even support himself yet. I'm wanting to get a part-time job and start school part-time so I can move out, but even if I am successful in that, I have many months left of living the way I am.

On top of that, I've never even kissed a woman, or had any sort of intimate connection with anyone, so it goes without saying I have no idea what I'm doing relationship-wise. I've always just acted like myself to everyone, being kind and mellow, because that's the kind of person I am. I can talk to people and make friends just fine, whether men or women, but I've never connected with anyone, and I'm starting to think it's because I'm not assertive enough. In general I am kind of shy, and have never been in to the party scene or any of that; I'm more of a quite video game/book/movie/art type.

So I'm just wondering what people, especially women, think. Would you be willing to look past my financial/living situation if we really connected on our interests and things? Or is it just too pathetic, me living with my folks, like I keep anticipating it would be if the topic ever came up when I was talking to a girl. Should I keep looking for love, holding my head high with hope, and being happy anyway; or do I just need to work to get my life together before I even think about going after any girl.

I have confidence about things in my life - I'm intelligent, I work hard, I'm in good shape, I always try to be a good person, and I have a few interesting hobbies - but despite all of my strengths, I just can't get this one failure out of the back of my mind, it just seems to overpower anything good I might have to say about myself. I'm also wondering how unhealthy this situation is for my psyche, being alone for so long; I know it isn't doing me any favors given my situation, but I can't help but be really depressed these days. I know no one can love me if I can't love myself, but things just seem so hopeless right now; if you have any advice for as well, it would be much appreciated. I'm just curious to see what other people think about my situation.

[IndiReloaded]

Its tough right now for a lot of young people. Your situation is very common. Don't worry, you sound like a very normal young man. Its not like it was in my day, when kids left home for uni and never came back. Go out and date girls, have fun, work hard. You have to believe you will be successful and keep your eyes on the target. Use this opportunity of being at home to save up as much as you can for when you do get a FT job and the chance to boost from the nest.

BTW, its extremely common in other cultures. Japan, for example.

[MerryH]

Living at home at age 22 is a lot more common now, especially with the economy. (oops, beaten^^) Plus, you're going to school, so you have a good reason to be living there. It's not like you're bumming around with no job and living in your mother's basement indefinitely. You're not pathetic. Don't even worry about that.

Don't wait to start pursuing relationships. Get out there. At least go on some dates. Get practice. Now is the perfect time to experiment.

[samanthamum]

Don't worry... I am a 21 year old student in college. I'm not living at home, but I know lots of people our age who do! If I went to school closer to home, I would too, no doubt. At your age and in your circumstances, living at home will not be a turn off. My boyfriend lives at home, actually. You just need to get out there in the community! If you have friends who like to go out (not party), you should find some bar to go to or something! Not some sleazy bar--a classy bar. You know, the quiet ones that serve imported beers on draft! Or if you don't drink at all, there are always fun things you can do like going to watch karaoke (you don't have to sing) or a trivia night (if you know a lot of useless information, you'd probably really enjoy this)--they usually have both at bars and some restaurants like TGI Fridays or BW3's. Really, just going out to dinner with friends every now and then is great fun. As long as you make an effort to get out of the house a few times a month, you're bound to meet someone you click with (you're not going to meet anyone if you stay in your house all day!). But...just talk to your friends and see if you all can't come up with something fun to do--I understand you may not have much money right now, but there is always something to do--even on a super tight budget.

Don't stop looking for love... It's the most wonderful thing there is. It can be painful at times, but when you find the one for you, it will all be worth it. To me, love is the most important thing in life.

Anyway... I know I kind of talked about lots of different things. But maybe what I said can help you somehow. Just don't lose hope. It's very powerful. If/when you do find a girl--the right one will love you just the way you are... That is absolutely true. Don't settle for anything less. I know the perfect girl has to be out there looking for you--well she might not know it, you might surprise her! (That's what happened with me and my boyfriend...lol.)

I wish you the best of luck. And don't stop working hard! It's nice to see a young man actually working to get where he wants to be. Also, one thing you might consider is moving in with a friend or two if you end up getting a job--maybe that would seem more grown-up to you and you wouldn't have to pay as much for rent/bills...but be warned, should you decide to do this, choose your roommates wisely...

[downandaboutout]

Thanks, I think all of that helped. I guess I wouldn't want to be with someone who was turned off by something trivial like that anyways, because I myself would never be judgmental about something like that to another person.

The only thing is, in response to your post Samantha, I go out with friends all the time, but never have I met anyone. I go to a lot of concerts, and to restaurants all the time. I'm not going to stop of course, as I like music and food and most especially my friends; but is there something I'm doing wrong? Like I said before, I'm kind of shy, and I think that might be my problem; but I just think it's too weird to go up to random strangers at a concert or a bar or restaurant and try to make friends. Even if I'm just making small talk, it just seems like I'm desperate for attention unless I have something insightful or interesting to say. I'm probably just worrying too much and should try to enjoy myself even if I say something stupid or generic.

My other theory is that until recently, I always looked a lot younger than I really am; in high school I looked like I belonged in middle school, in the beginning of college, I looked like a high schooler, and now I just barely look like a college student. So I think a lot of people think that just because I look less mature physically, I'm the same way personality-wise (which I'm most certainly not); I know most women want a mature partner, and consequently have shied away from me in the past.

I guess I'll just keep trying like I always have, and try not to worry about it, but I do still think I might not be assertive and engaging enough; I'm just worried though, that if I actively try and engage people when I normally wouldn't, I won't be showing people my true self.

[Sonrisa]

how about posting a picture here?

[tmc92ic]

I can tell you for sure that your financial situation (Living with your parents and not being able to support yourself) has nothing to do with the matter. So you don't need to stress out about that nor do anything drastic like get a job just for that reason. The majority of college students all live with either their parents or in a dorm. Rarely do they own/rent their own house or apartment. But even if you did, that isn't your problem here.

You said you don't party or go out... that is your problem. You can't expect a girl to appear at your front steps and fall in love with you, no. Get yourself some friends who go out a lot. Go out to the bar, club, and parties. Your first party might/might not be a little bit awkward but don't let that discourage you. My first real party (9th grade), I stood against the wall the whole time. By my senior year in high school I was ****ing girls in bathrooms/bedrooms of other peoples houses. If your shy, get some liquid courage. Liquor. Until you grow out of it.

When you do go out though the first thing that will get a girls attention is, I hate to say it, physical appearance. You mentioned your physically fit... and I hope by that you mean you got some pecs on your chest and some serious muscle weight on your arms. Just buy some fashionable clothes suitable for a college student. (Usually tacky shorts, random tee-shirt, and some sick shoes (Nike 6.0's or Sperry's are my preference). Just observe other people...). If not... it's still all good. You will just have to work a little bit harder to get their attention through other means... like talking to them, impressing them, making them laugh, etc. Yeah, this is all a bit harsh and shallow... but it's true.

Also the shyness, you need to lose it ASAP. You can be a 4'2" fat hairy troll looking creature and still get a better girl than half the guys out there if exert some confidence. Confidence is NUMBER ONE ABOVE ALL THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

how about posting a picture here?

Not that it will help or anything, but I am curious too. ;D

[downandaboutout]

how about posting a picture here?

I guess it couldn't hurt, I just hope no one I know will see it, that would be embarrassing; the chances of that are pretty slim though, I suppose.

I don't think I'm ugly, but I suppose one never knows unless they ask for an honest opinion; so please be honest, I can take it. I've always figured I was about as average as one could be: I'm no George Clooney, but I'm no Clint Howard either.
Just add a .jpg to the end:
i1236.photobucket.com/albums/ff453/grateguy11/IMG_20111004_150940

[IndiReloaded]

Nice pic. Clean cut, bright eyes, nice smile. You do look young tho. I wouldn't have guessed you were 22. That's a compliment, btw, you'll groan now but will be grateful in 10 years.

It could be that the girls find you a bit young looking. Mbe some of the gals here will have tips for how to 'age' your look a bit.

[v1k1n95]

I know how you feel. I'm 18 and all messed up from isolation. I was overweight (still am a little but far less), never had a girlfriend and only had one semi-friend in high school (more of an acquaintence). I honestly am the definition of a loner. I am also confident about most things in my life and have a generally positive outlook for my future (I have plans and stuff) but I feel a tremendous emptiness inside and it made me completely close ties with my only friend and almost everyone in my life. It's just me now and I'm scared to death I'll die alone. I wasn't going to go to college because I saw it as a waste of money but now I feel like any amount of money would be worth it to have one chance at finding somebody.

I think I have what the general public calls "depression." I don't believe in that sort of thing because I view it as me not being able to beat my own mind. Sounds nuts but I think the reason I'm alone is because I've honestly convinced myself I'm not good enough or that I can't compete with all the other guys. In reality (something I just discovered. haha), if I'm already alone I don't really have anything to lose so I'm at that point where I'm ready to man up and get things done. I'm ready to completely **** up over and over again until I get it right and will take the world head-on until I find my way.

It's like the second half of a quote I know: "...thinking makes it so." It's all in my head as far as I'm concerned. I am absolutely positive no woman has ever judged me as wrongfully as I have myself.

Good luck brother.

[Dudah]

Don't even worry for a little bit. When I read your post it really does sound like me. I'm 23 and also had no experience with women, studied and lived at home.

Now I have a girlfriend and things are going great and we love eachother. It was hard for me at first as I was quite nervous but it turned out fine and, as you said, she doesn't care when sometimes it shows im not as experienced as other guys; she loves me for who I am .

I did meet her at an orchestra though, so hobbies could be a great way to see people regularly and maybe build up a connection.

[oldskool83]

living at home is not bad because your going to school. no part time job will pay rent and food and whatever else you need....you'd be better ogff having a parttime job living at home and save a few bucks for somthing you want like a car or a house for your future. i lived at home til i wasn 23 then bought a house and got married.

your not happy with yourself, its clear. put down the video games and get outside, i dont feel playing games as a grown man is a hobby honestly. if your in good shape why no join a gym or talk walks or runs in a park. you would get interaction with people who will not be as critical such as in college.

also as much as i bet your not into the sceen, why dont you try a local bar/tavern or somthing of that sorts. if your shy eat a meal and have a drink later at night once a week. talking to people is not that hard, it just take a smile and hi. ive many of times seen a guy or a girl just sitting there, there are really no different then you, just forcing themselves to be out there.

[BrokenHearted78]

Hi, just wanted to say that a lot of young people nowadays are living with their parents while getting their degree. The important thing is you're working towards completing your education and moving forward so don't even worry about it. I'm sure you'll find someone great. Best of luck

[Th4tG1rl]

Nowadays, living at the parents house at the age of 20's is becoming very usual. The current economy doesn't help, and it's better having a place to live than none, even if means living with the parents.
Still, your are studying and hard working, it's not you're taking advantage of your parents.
There's no shame living with your parents, no matter how old you are. You are not doing anything wrong. Finding a permanent job and have a house it's becoming harder, and I know that, I live in Portugal.

I'm 24 years old, I'm at college and I live with my parents because: 1. My part-time job only pays college tuition and supplies; 2. Both college and work are very close; 3. I don't have the means or any other place to go.
All my brothers already have their lives, but they started earlier. They left school and they started working, but me (also I'm the youngest) I kept studying and no full time job.

About you, if you are truly (no offence) a hard working, fun and nice guy, living with your parents it's not a problem. Speaking for almost all the girls, if I truly like a guy, I would care less if he lives or not with his parents, it depends the situation.
But I do understand that could be a cultural problem, depending of the country/society you live. In Portugal, living with your parents is "almost" a stable situation. Off course you have less independence and privacy, but this times are hard, especially for students with no money.
So, what I'm trying to say is... if it's not a cultural issue, maybe it's because (you said) you're a loner, you should "get" out more and "expose" yourself more. If not for dating, having fun with your friends. Go meet your friend's friends. I know it's hard though, I'm kind of a loner too and I never had a boyfriend, and I care less... I mean! I used to think like that until I met this guy, but that's another story.

So...
Relax and think thing over again with different perspectives, you'll get a nice, loving girl soon.

Good Luck,
Th4t Gr1rl

[Endlessagony]

Try taking up any type of dancing hobby (make sure it's a beginners course), seriously if you're shy that's a great way to open up. You don't have to be good at small talk but you're still socializing very much.