Very rare break up...Please read and help me...please

[JDLong89]

This is without a doubt the hardest break up I've ever went through. My (ex)girlfriend, 19, and I ,22, just broke up after dating for 7 months. The reason and situation to why we broke up is what confuses me the most.

I got a scholarship for baseball to play at a college 8 hours away from home. I told her that we wouldnt work out if I left home and she stayed, so she agrees to go to a cheaper college near mine. Everything was fine and i loved her even more for making that decision. I was her first love and we got along great...until I found out i wouldnt be going to the college until the spring semester, which meant that she would be starting a new life away from family and friends by herself, living with 3 random girl roommates, without me. Everything was cool at first i came to see her and we skyped and communicated well...Then it changed...

The next week after i saw her on the weekend, where she cried miserably to me begging me not go because she was alone, she changed. She said that a weird feeling came upon her that made her have doubts and question the relationship. The things she was saying made no sense and only devostated me. We seemed to skype and talk on the phone less, but txt more. She always seemed to be busy when i wanted to talk and when we did she would sound annoyed at me. She then called and said she didnt want to be with someone that she couldnt give 100% to. This is why it's confusing...She moved down there just for me so i know she loves me, but she drastically changed so fast, saying all this negative stuff about our relationship that she never said before and wasnt true....

I have no clue what to do. I know i cant change her feelings and make her get back, but i know she loves me and the fact that we never see each other doesnt help the cause..

So please anyone, give me some advice...please

[Nacomy]

they say that sometimes distance changes people and relatioships. maybe that all it is.

i think you need to sit with your gf, face to face, and have it out. talk about what you want and need from the relationships and whether your wants and needs are being met. then you go from there...

[JDLong89]

yea she is coming down from there next weekend. Its definately going to be weird. Ive learned from a past heartbreak not to push it. They say play your cards right, so i guess i gotta try.

[Gypsybell]

Moving on to the Uni/college experience is a pretty big milestone in life. It's a pity you didn't get to experience it together, especially since she did a lot of compromising to be with you. But you have to deal with what is, so you may not really understand the changes that are taking place in her psyche until you go through the same transition. ( I am assumining you are both young and leaving the family/hometown environment for the first time?)

College has a way of making one get a rush of the independant 'grownup' syndrome, whereby all things past may be like lead shoes holding one to childhood.This reverts to nostalgia for the safe haven of 'home' in due course, but you will find that, once the innitial homesick newness wears off(usally a week or 2 or until one finds their way around and meets supportive others) then life goes into overdrive and phonecalls from home (or on the 'old' subject plane) are a bit of a handbrake, if not a downright aggravation. Its called FREEDOM! college is the place for expanding , experiencing and broardening ones thoughts,feeings and ideals. Brace yourself, you will get to ride the rollercoaster too. And hopefully you will get back onto the footing of a shared adventure.

In the meantime, try not to turn it into a difficult weekend for yourselves when she comes home full of stories and new things to talk about. Be interested and ecxited for her. If you resent her new outlook then she will not share with you. She will in turn, resent your attitude. Or avoid telling you anything. Many couples find it easier to split up than ask someone to just take a back seat for a while. If you can be the exception to the rule, it may save the day. Good luck.

[smackie9]

It's simple.... her expectations are not being fulfilled. Yes the transition is bad enough, but to have the plans change like that is devastating for her. She doesn't want a long distant relationship plain and simple. She is being realistic, she is in college, she is experiencing new freedoms, and she wants someone THERE to share it with her.....college campus is full of nice opportunities. I don't blame her for wanting to end things.

[JDLong89]

Ha well played sir. I admire the deep advice. I got the feeling that she was absolutely pissed off at me. It wasnt my fault i was told (by the college coach) to have 2.0 GPA so i took summer classes, got brought it up to a 2.05, and then she decided to move down so we BOTH were packed and ready to leave when i got the phone call telling me i need to stay at home (yes with my parents) and take fall classes at my community college.

And yes i agree with both of ya'll and thank you for the help. I know this is an honest and very down to earth girl. She wants freedom and yes i was a little strict at first but I realized it was JEALOUSY and that maybe made her feel controlled which in every single case of the relationship is a horrible thing. I know she is still the one for me and i know she is not looking for another guy or atleast get serious so ive grown to realize that it is actually a good thing ya know? So if i really am her true love then when i get down there and live the same lifestyle and she is used to her new lifestyle then we could possibly mature from this and get back together. Reguardless, i know that this is a good thing thats happening for both of us.

[Wakeup]

She rearranged everything to be with you and then when it was your turn to be the one to rearrange, you bailed on her basically. She's now gotten a taste of freedom and she's likely attracting some male attention as well.

You're both young, experience life with other people and learn to be independent. If I were you I wouldn't try to talk her into anything and you, like her (apparently) take advantage of your singledom so when you get to college you can do some of the things that single people like to do.

Very rare break up...Please read and help me...please

It's not rare at all.. this kind of thing happens everyday.

[JDLong89]

I understand but before she left we had a truely great relationship and never fought. But yes we can both enjoy being single.

But i have one last question, given that she was the one that wanted to end things and said she needed space, do u think that she will ever stop and think to herself "maybe i should try to give this another shot?"

and in YOUR opinion, given i do go down there to my college near hers in december, where do you see our relationship going? i dont want an i dont know answer, im saying in your opinion do u think the odds lean more towards us or away???

[Wakeup]

I understand but before she left we had a truely great relationship and never fought. But yes we can both enjoy being single.

yes, enjoy it so that you know for sure if she is the one you want and if she does come back to you, she'll know that you are the one for her but don't push her. Let her make her own decisions and don't wait around hoping and pining and wasting good and valuable singledom while she figures herself out.

But i have one last question, given that she was the one that wanted to end things and said she needed space, do u think that she will ever stop and think to herself "maybe i should try to give this another shot?"

Sure, but only if she finds herself with a bunch of losers who don't treat her well.. Then perhaps she'll realize what she lost when she let you go.

and in YOUR opinion, given i do go down there to my college near hers in december, where do you see our relationship going? i dont want an i dont know answer, im saying in your opinion do u think the odds lean more towards us or away???

*looks in crystal ball* Sorry it's too cloudy, the clarity is not there to give you an answer. I do see that your "relationship" is no longer so you're going to have to start from square one with her and if she appears to not be interested then don't waste your single college years on trying to win her back over.

Good luck, don't be too meloncholly. You still have this weekend to perhaps make arrangements to have a date when you arrive and you can see how things go then. If she doesn't want to see you at all, then accept it, cut all contact with her so that you can swiftly heal from this break up and enjoy your next 4 years. I have a feeling if you're on the college baseball team you'll have enough groupies admiring your style that you'll not be lonely for long.

[smackie9]

Relationships will come and go in your life, this one has ended and so will the next and so on. You have plenty of years to enjoy before marriage.

[JDLong89]

Look i know i can get girls..thats never been a problem, but ive never "loved" a girl but once and that was 5 years ago. This one i knew from the minute we talked for the first time that she was different than all the other because, she was honest. Thats all ive ever looked for and the fact that i could trust this girl is what made me fall in love with her. Now for her she has never been loved and i gave her that, but she is very insecure about herself and has never had true friends. Now that she has friends down there she is happy and im still in the picture but i know im not that important, this is why i never got mad when she sad she needed time apart to find herself even though when a girl says that it is usually another guy that they've found. Not in her case, i really do believe her. She's out on her own now and has the freedom perk along with it and she is trying to enjoy all of it because she knew that she could never see me. I do not have a problem with that at all. This is just hard because i never thought she would ever break it off but i am really thankful for the help and advice yall have given me.

[JDLong89]

Ok i just found out that she will be coming back home for the weekend. She texted me telling me this and she also asked me if we could meet up so she can give me my stuff back, which by "stuff" she means this sentimental necklace of mine that i wore for 2 years straight and gave it to her before she moved, and that's it. I know that when i see her it's going to be very awkward because the last time we saw each other (when i visited her the first week she was down there) it was perfect and we were happy, but the bad trials that we went through in between that visit and her coming down this weekend is going to make this extremely hard and complicated.

Now, my question to the ladies is...How do I approach this situation. I know the "act cool" characteristic but that's not what I mean. It's what can I expect out of her, and yea I know she's meeting with me to give me my stuff back, BUT could there be a possibility that she actually wants to see me?

And one last question, I really want to ask her what happened with our relationship prior to her leaving to her leaving and deciding we don't need to be together. I know she'll say she doesn't know but, this may sound confusing, but I know that she knows there is a real reason; like her being alone and having to adapt and change her entire life because I wasn't there and she knew we didn't have the money to see each other so she had to get me off her mind.

Do you think us seeing each other may change her whole concept of being free and maybe work on things???

Please. I need help ASAP!!

[Wakeup]

Just go without expecting anything other than you getting back your necklace. If you have no expectations then you'll not be disappointed. Do this logically.

The facts are.
1. She broke up with you and has not asked for or hinted at wanting a reconciliation
2. She is meeting you to give you back your necklace.

Thats all you know so I suggest you don't think about anything else but those two things when you meet her. Respond to her lead.

[smackie9]

Good advice! I know you want someone here to tell you that she is coming down to ask for a second try but that would foolish to say. Lower your expectaions so as you don't hurt yourself even further.

[Tanguerra]

My suspicion is that she has met someone else at her new college, or at least realised that there are other guys out there and this has cast her relationship with you in a whole new light for her. If you value this relationship, if you really love her as you say you do, if you really do get along well and want to fix this you will need to play this very, very carefully. I know you're still very young, but really good relationships are hard to find and they are worth making an effort to keep if you can. You don't want to turn around at age 40 and wonder what would have happened if you had worked this out.

I think this event is very key:
"The next week after i saw her on the weekend, where she cried miserably to me begging me not go because she was alone, she changed. She said that a weird feeling came upon her that made her have doubts and question the relationship. The things she was saying made no sense and only devostated me..."

Trust is the basis of all good relationships and it seems that you let her down by 'abandoning' her in her new college which completely destroyed her sense of trust in you and by extension in the relationship. Obviously this was very difficult and painful for her. Not only was she in a new place, away from family and friends but also away from you, the reason she had made this big change in the first place. First she felt sad. She 'cried miserably' and begged you 'not to go'. Then, probably, she got angry. That would be pretty normal and understandable for a young girl in a situation like that. So now she's not sad, she's mad and she wants to see you and 'return your stuff'.

To get to your question:
"How do I approach this situation. I know the "act cool" characteristic but that's not what I mean. It's what can I expect out of her, and yea I know she's meeting with me to give me my stuff back, BUT could there be a possibility that she actually wants to see me?"

Of course she wants to see you! If she didn't she could just mail the necklace to you. Duh! You can 'expect' her to be angry with you. If the necklace is symbollic and sentimental for both of you she is probably wanting to return it in person to hurt you to pay you back for hurting her - not very nice, but there you go - and also to have some kind of 'closure' on her feelings for you. She might also be wanting to give you one more chance to fix this. This is your big chance, don't blow it! If you work this out your relationship might end up deeper and stronger than before.

This is my advice:
1. Listen - She might yell at you and say all kinds of hurtful and critical things to you. Depending on her personality, she might be cool and distant to you. Whatever happens - LISTEN TO HER. Let her explain to you why she's upset. If you don't understand what she's saying say 'I don't understand, can you explain? I really want to make sure I get this. It's important...' Under no circumstances should you get angry back with her in return no matter what you do! Don't argue with her. No whining, no complaining, no excuses, no self-justification, no yelling ... Cop it on the chin like a 'man'. Just say, 'You're absolutely right. Uh huh. I understand.... etc. etc.'

2. Apologise - Say "'I'm sorry. I let you down. I was a jerk. There's no excuse for it. I wasn't there for you ...." Have a bunch of flowers or a card or some little gift to give her too - nothing too elaborate or expensive - just something cute or thoughtful and definitely sentimental and as romantic as possible - red roses with a really thoughtfully written card, a little stuffed toy saying 'I'm sorry' - something like that. There's no point giving her a piece of jewellery if the the idea is she's giving you back a piece of jewellery! Even if you don't resolve the problem this weekend, she can take that away with her and you never know, she might start to soften towards you after a little while.

3. Support - even if you don't end up being able to resolve this with her this time, don't panic. Be sure to tell her you'll always 'be there' for her in future, as a friend if nothing else. Tell her she can call you if she ever needs anything, that you will always love her no matter what, etc. If you guys really do get along that well I'm sure she won't want to lose your friendship either. Even if she's met someone else, that doesn't have to be the end of the world. Hang in there. You never know. The 'new guy' could easily turn out to be not as wonderful as she first thinks (happens a lot after all). If you're still 'in her life' there's a good chance you could get back together again in the future, even if it takes a while. Again, that could be the thing that makes your relationship more solid than ever - if she tried going out with someone else but found she still liked you better.

Good luck! I really hope it works out for you.