How to build back your self esteem after a crushing relationship

[Endlessagony]

After 9 years together I can now say that my relationship with my GF has finally come to an end. At the same time I'm kind of happy with the possibilty of meeting someone who isn't an abusive and lying cheater but I also feel utterly empty inside.
I've moved to a new town and started studying again and there's lots of great girls here so my chances at meeting someone should be pretty good. The problem is I have a gaping void inside which I have no idea how to fill.
The last few years together got really ugly and I used up everything inside me. It's not that I'm crying and needy at all, I'm just uncapable of processing my inner workings. It's a big problem because it's almost impossible for me to open up to people, I get along with them fine and people seem to like me but there's a barrier I can't cross right now.

How do you rebuild yourself after someone crushing you? I do my best to socialize here and I go to all the happenings. I've met some great people and generally been trying to keep myself busy. I guess ultimately it's my coping mechanics that are trying to stop me from opening up, they won't allow me to trust anyone. I fear that I can never again be the kind of openminded and optimistic individual I once was.

[James Banes]

The best way is to start being active in new things: find a new sport or take up a new art. You need to try being a different person too. You sound too self-loathing. No one is incapable of processing their inner workings. You can open up if you try.

[Endlessagony]

The best way is to start being active in new things: find a new sport or take up a new art. You need to try being a different person too. You sound too self-loathing. No one is incapable of processing their inner workings. You can open up if you try.

You're right, I'm probably way too self-loathing. I just cant seem to get rid of that feeling, right now it doesn't seem to matter even if I succeed in things I still can't seem to shake the clog inside me.
I was probably clinging to that relationship for far too long and I'm afraid I've done some real damage to myself. I posted a thread in the love advice forum about a great thing that happened last week (I had a one night stand with a really hot girl) but honestly I'm not sure how I'm coping with that. At first I relished the idea of succeeding but now I'm hurting pretty bad. I mean she was really into me but I guess it was just sex for her.

I know somewhere inside me that girls liking me never have been a problem, the problem is I'm so damn closed up. I mean she had to have her sister come say to me to do something, and then she had to ask me "are you gonna kiss me or what?". If it had been up to me to make a move it never would have happened. So why would girls bother if they have to climb a huge fortress to get close to me?
I've thought about taking meds again (tried it before) but they didn't really help me at all.

Is my only hope here time? Perhaps I should first learn to be alone and accept that feeling? I was hoping someone would chime in who have been in an abusive relationship. How long did it take to get over it?

[James Banes]

I've read your other posts. This is the chick who cheated on you with two other dudes, right? Sometimes a cheating ex is the fault of the person being cheated on than the cheater. You say you should learn to be alone and accept that feeling, right? You already know how to be alone and accept. You don't know how to be with people and accept them. Women generally cheat if they don't feel emotionally satisfied. From your posts, it seems like you don't know how to emotionally satisfy your birds. You know this. However, you fail to change this dilemma.

You need to ask yourself what you can give to a woman that will satisfy her emotionally. What did you do that didn't satisfy your ex emotionally? I think you'll find out you didn't give her enough to feel comfortable with you.

[Endlessagony]

I've read your other posts. This is the chick who cheated on you with two other dudes, right? Sometimes a cheating ex is the fault of the person being cheated on than the cheater. You say you should learn to be alone and accept that feeling, right? You already know how to be alone and accept. You don't know how to be with people and accept them. Women generally cheat if they don't feel emotionally satisfied. From your posts, it seems like you don't know how to emotionally satisfy your birds. You know this. However, you fail to change this dilemma.

You need to ask yourself what you can give to a woman that will satisfy her emotionally. What did you do that didn't satisfy your ex emotionally? I think you'll find out you didn't give her enough to feel comfortable with you.

You know no offence but you don't think that's pretty harsh considering you only know small details of the circumstances? Yes I've been far from perfect but it's my fault she cheated on me?
I'd say her forbidding me to see friends or forcing me to do things by aggresive threatening doesn't exactly constitute normal or healthy either. I've thought about the things you say and the more I get into things the more I realize how much I was under her spell. From my point of view she did A LOT of victimizing herself for things that she did wrong.

Honestly everything was fine for the first 4-5 years but then I just started going out with my friends too despite her warnings and then she made my life a living hell.

[Endlessagony]

Well, if she made your life a living hell, you're better off having a break and enjoying your life.

You're right, it was definitely the right thing for me to move away and start anew. I'm just tired having this hole in my soul.

[James Banes]

You know no offence but you don't think that's pretty harsh considering you only know small details of the circumstances? Yes I've been far from perfect but it's my fault she cheated on me?
I'd say her forbidding me to see friends or forcing me to do things by aggresive threatening doesn't exactly constitute normal or healthy either. I've thought about the things you say and the more I get into things the more I realize how much I was under her spell. From my point of view she did A LOT of victimizing herself for things that she did wrong.

Honestly everything was fine for the first 4-5 years but then I just started going out with my friends too despite her warnings and then she made my life a living hell.

Let's level the playing field. The first time I fell in love was when I was 19 to a 17 yr old girl. Even though I didn't do anything more than kiss, my family convinced me it would be wise to keep from anything physical with her until she was 18. So we waited and while we waited our relationship went cold. She really turned cold toward me. A few months after she turned 18 I learned why: she was pregnant with some other dude's kid. Despite the fact that I had neve had sex with her she tried to say I was the father. This got around the church, and, being the son of the reverend, this was somewhat of a controversy. Even though I proved I wasn't the father, I still feel my rep was tarnished.

But here's the worse part. It took me a year to get over her while I let attractive rebound chicks go by. And less than a month after I finally felt I had gotten over her, I met her by coincidence, and started my old relationship but kept it secret from the family. I played the knight in shining armor, gave her some of my hard-earned cash to help her with the kid, let her squander the money, got laid once or twice, and didn't make a big fuss even when I knew she was banging other dudes. This happened almost five months before my family found out and convinced me to put a stop to it.

The point is I've been where you are. I've knowingly let a chick bullshit me and felt bad when we broke up. It pisses you off because the guy's she screws around with seem like idiots or losers. While you think you're a great guy who shouldn't be treated this way. The question is why do you let her be treated this way?

Perhaps you saw yourself as a knight in shining armor who viewed his damsel as a sweet girl deep down who somehow gets on the wrong side of the road. Or maybe you really clung to her because it's hard for you to meet women and you didn't want to go through the rat race of meeting new women.

The guy my chick left me for was a high school dropout, in a gang, and a drug dealer. Last I heard he was serving a 10 yr sentence in jail. But he was much warmer toward her, made her laugh more, open about himself more, hung out with her more, and generally was closer to her than I had ever been. I thought being smart and having a good career ahead of me was enough. But it looks like you must satisfy women more emotionally. Of course a lot of it was her fault, but I could have done more to satisfy her emotionally.

Did you do enough to satisfy your ex emotionally? Would you describe yourself as warm toward her? Did you two go out to a lot of social events and places? How good were you at making her laugh? Were you open with your feelings?

[Endlessagony]

Let's level the playing field. The first time I fell in love was when I was 19 to a 17 yr old girl. Even though I didn't do anything more than kiss, my family convinced me it would be wise to keep from anything physical with her until she was 18. So we waited and while we waited our relationship went cold. She really turned cold toward me. A few months after she turned 18 I learned why: she was pregnant with some other dude's kid. Despite the fact that I had neve had sex with her she tried to say I was the father. This got around the church, and, being the son of the reverend, this was somewhat of a controversy. Even though I proved I wasn't the father, I still feel my rep was tarnished.

But here's the worse part. It took me a year to get over her while I let attractive rebound chicks go by. And less than a month after I finally felt I had gotten over her, I met her by coincidence, and started my old relationship but kept it secret from the family. I played the knight in shining armor, gave her some of my hard-earned cash to help her with the kid, let her squander the money, got laid once or twice, and didn't make a big fuss even when I knew she was banging other dudes. This happened almost five months before my family found out and convinced me to put a stop to it.

The point is I've been where you are. I've knowingly let a chick bullshit me and felt bad when we broke up. It pisses you off because the guy's she screws around with seem like idiots or losers. While you think you're a great guy who shouldn't be treated this way. The question is why do you let her be treated this way?

Perhaps you saw yourself as a knight in shining armor who viewed his damsel as a sweet girl deep down who somehow gets on the wrong side of the road. Or maybe you really clung to her because it's hard for you to meet women and you didn't want to go through the rat race of meeting new women.

The guy my chick left me for was a high school dropout, in a gang, and a drug dealer. Last I heard he was serving a 10 yr sentence in jail. But he was much warmer toward her, made her laugh more, open about himself more, hung out with her more, and generally was closer to her than I had ever been. I thought being smart and having a good career ahead of me was enough. But it looks like you must satisfy women more emotionally. Of course a lot of it was her fault, but I could have done more to satisfy her emotionally.

Did you do enough to satisfy your ex emotionally? Would you describe yourself as warm toward her? Did you two go out to a lot of social events and places? How good were you at making her laugh? Were you open with your feelings?

That sounds pretty crap dude. Actually the guy she was cheating me with is like 15 years older and a osteopath or something. You know I'm really not trying to say I did everything right but I am of the opinion I was warm towards her. I made her laugh all the time (even when things were really bad), I was the one who made it possible to communicate. That was something completely alien to her, expressing emotions.
She also had a huge problem with alcohol, not that she was drinking but in that she couldn't tolerate me taking even a single drop of alcohol. Now I did go without drinking anything for several years but it really was hampering my social life when I couldn't go out with my friends without a shaperone. As I said things really turned bad when I just started going out anyway. And no I wasn't running out every weekend, more like once a month.

I've just been really lost these past couple of years because she's been a master at making me the bad guy.
And honestly I've learned a lot from all the mistakes I made, just waiting when this agony would loosen up just a little.

[James Banes]

Looks like something positive came out of our discussion: you no longer feel utterly empty inside. When I started getting unnecessarily harsh, you stood up for yourself and revealed you were the better half of the relationship. Hopefully, you're going to realize some other guy has to deal with the negative baggage she has. Hopefully, you deleted her facebook and other forms of contact, right?

[Endlessagony]

Looks like something positive came out of our discussion: you no longer feel utterly empty inside. When I started getting unnecessarily harsh, you stood up for yourself and revealed you were the better half of the relationship. Hopefully, you're going to realize some other guy has to deal with the negative baggage she has. Hopefully, you deleted her facebook and other forms of contact, right?

I haven't deleted anything yet but I've managed to keep from contacing her. I'm trying really hard to focus on the people here at the moment. Actually I just had a really nice conversation on FB with a girl from my class.
I'm also just really scared venturing into new things with all this baggage, I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up. I can safely say that any feelings of love towards her are completely gone so the urge to keep in contact isn't that big.

I really really hope the guy will get a full dose of her at her worst, and I also think it's bound to happen sooner or later as she gets comfortable with him and starts revealing her darker sides.

[James Banes]

I don't know if an abusive relationship takes longer to get over than a non-abusive one. Perhaps an abusive one also makes you think, "how could I let someone like that make a fool out of me and use me like that?" Question: why do you think you put up with her?

[Endlessagony]

I put up with her because I was madly in love and honestly I couldn't see these things back then, she's really good at manipulating. I look back now at even our first fights and they were bizarre. I think the first time I remember was when we'd been a week together or so when she suddenly got really aggressive and started shouting and pulling her hair for no apparent reason. I was just befuddled and became this wimpy and apologetic wuss and tried to calm her down. She quickly learned to use this and get me to do what she wanted. She did this with everything she didn't agree with and a lot of times when she'd had an argument with her mother she'd come and just take it out on me. Weird as it sounds I was in that relationship for many years and didn't even realize I was being abused. At some point things escalated and it ended up with me trying to do the same back to her (stuff that still haunts me) and of course that didn't work out. Instead she used that to her advantage and managed to convince even my whole family I was a raving lunatic. For a long time I was literally cornered, she had reduced me to a sobbering little puppy and I was truly powerless to stop it. I became reliant on her and at the same time she was my tormentor.

[Andariel]

It is absolutely normal to feel this way after you have been in such a long-term relationship, especially if there was emotional abuse involved.You learned to put your true needs and opinions in the background to please her to the detriment of your emotional health.As a result slowly but surely you stopped feeling confident enough to make independent decisions.You learned that you had to seek her approval before you say or do something because if she didn't like it she would make your life difficult.

Also,regardless of what was going on in the relationship, cheating is never the answer to a problem.If she was unhappy for whatever reason she ought to have discussed it with you so that you two could find a solution to the issue that was bothering her. At the end of the day, if she was unhappy and didn't think you were the guy for her she should have told you that and left you alone,instead of choosing to cheat on you. That was her choice-you are not responsible for that.You are only responsible for your decision to stay with her after you found out she cheated on you. Don't forget that cheating has many emotional consequences and one of those is breaking the trust that existed between the two partners.Trust is really hard to rebuild and of course once someone you loved so much and made compromises for has betrayed you, it is normal to feel that you can't trust people in eneral afterwards.

What you describe as 'feeling empty' inside could well be your way of coping with all the pain she has caused you. Perhaps deep down you believe that it is better not to feel in order to protect yourself from future hurt. This way,however, you would be closing yourself up to developing deep connections with the people around you.

Long-term relationships take a while to recover from because you were used to making decisions as part of a couple, you had joint dreams, hopes, expectations etc.When she left all that was over and suddenly you had to start thinking as a single person again and that takes time and patience to get used to.

Don't be too hard on yourself: you are just out from a bad relationship.You need to give yourself time to heal from the abuse and to learn t trust people again and to believe in yourself. I would recommend remaining single for a while as this will eventually help you believe that you can be just fine on your own.If you still have so much emotional baggage that you haven't taken the time to work through, a new relationship would be like a band-aid but it wouldn't fix the deeper issues which you can only fix yourself.

[Endlessagony]

Thank you for that insightful post, I think you described perfectly how I feel. You're right I should learn to be alone and fine with that, I'm just constantly living with this fear that I'll screw up the progress I've made recently.
It's really excruciating being alone right now, it doesn't help either when I know she's having the time of her life while I'm dragging in the mud. Feels so unfair...
When I think about it right now I do think on the inside I'm dying to dig up my old self who was trusting and optimistic. You do agree I should socialize with people as much as I can?
Sitting home alone is the worst thing ever, I'm not really there yet where I can go hang out in the evenings with the people I've met here (all my other friends are in my old hometown).

But just someone understanding my situation already helps, it helps to get in terms with what happened with her and better understand how my reality was skewed for a long time.

[Andariel]

It is important that you surround yourself with people right now as it is equally important to talk about how you feel.If you don't feel comfortable enough talking to your new acquaintances about such personal issues see if you can talk to your family or even old friends that you have lost touch with because of her.They will be happy to let you back into their lives and you will be surprised at how understanding they will be-I am sure they know she was the reason why you didn't hang out with them anymore and they will be thrilled she is finally out of the picture.Don't keep things bottled up-this is counter-productive on your road to recovering from the pain she has caused you.The more you talk about how you feel the more the intensity of these negative feelinsg will start subsiding.

Don't expect a quick fix, that is why I said it is important not to be too hard on yourself.Trusting people again and rebuilding your self-esteem will take time, how much time will depend on how proactive you are about this and how committed you are to the healing process. If you feel like you can't find a way out of these negative thoughts and patterns then there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist who can help you see things from a different perspective and develop better coping mechanisms.

In the meantime, make sure you have no contact with her whatsoever and if you are using Facebook or any other social media through which you can find out how she is doing then you need to block her and even her friends to ensure you are not tempted to check up on her.If you have friends who know her make sure you tell them not to give you any info about her and her life. Stop focusing on what she is doing and on whether she is having a good time or not. Focus all your energy on yourself instead.You kept your focus on her for 9 whole years, enough is enough.It is tme you took care of yourself for a change! :-)