Relationship with a depressed person

[Dilemma01]

I am new to forums and am really hoping to get some insight from some outsiders instead on listening to friends and family drown me with their opinions.. and we all know, family ALWAYS insists they know best!! SO... I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years. Nothing went wrong, we did have a great relationship. No trust issues, so incredibly compatible, the same humor It is literally like we are the same person. Except one difference. He suffers from depression. He was not depressed when we met (at least not that I noticed). When we met he was very motivated, very driven, did excellent in school and then he graduated and got very lazy. He was fortunate enough to have parents that were somewhat wealthy and to be honest.. SPOILED the shit out of him, which only added to the laziness. So he did not work for a couple years while I busted my ass working and building a career for myself. I asked him several time what was going on with his life? What did he want to do? Was he ever going to work? He had no idea. His family owned a buisness so he started going to work their for a little bit... but even his family told me he was lazy and really did no work whatsoever. I let it go a few more years (silly me... I know). Everyone told me, "let him go". "he isn't going anywhere with his life", "he will never be the MAN you need him to be or the father to your children you need him to be". BUT- I stuck by him because I know he is a great person and that there was something obviously wrong with him. I expressed my concerns about our future and he took the action to seek help and see a therapist. His therapist said he is very depressed and put him on medication. This was a few months ago, we broke up recently bc I mentally had enough. Nothing was really changing. Part of me feels I should have given him more time. But after all.... we were together 6 years!! I adore him, he was wonderful to me and my family and most of my friends say it was for the best and no matter how much you love someone... sometimes it just doesn't work. I honestly can not picture myself loving another person the way I love him. We had a great relationship, barely ever fought. And if we did it was for a few minutes and we were over it. His depression left him TIRED ALL THE TIME, never wanted to do anything, very monotone.. just flat out boring. It made me think.. is this the type of person I want to marry? I know he isn't doing it on purpose, and I wish I could help him.. i tried it all! But at some point I have to be selfish and think.. is he ever going to grow up and be a man. Is he going to be man enough for me to have children with... will he fall into depression again when we do have children and decide not to work and it falls back on me? or do I stick by him bc I love him with all my heart and work things out???


There is A LOT more going on but I don't drown you with everything! LOL : ) I appreciate any insight or opinions. I am so confused, depressed and stressed out. It is all I think about day in and day out.

Thank you!

[MerryH]

You did the right thing. His condition put such a strain on your relationship that it just couldn't work. You could say that nobody is to blame here, although he really should have gotten his mental health under control much sooner so that could have been a better boyfriend to you. You tried, you stuck it out like a champ, but it's completely understandable that you finally got tired of it. He probably understands this, too.

[elny1]

Is he willing to work at getting out of depression? Like perhaps seeing a psychologist?

[bulrush]

The symptoms of low testosterone are almost EXACTLY the same as depression, with fatigue being the overwhelming factor. Low T can also show up as irritability and lack of motivation too. Has he had his testosterone checked with a blood test? There are medicines for this and he will feel much better, but watch out. The meds really raise the sex drive!

How is his sex drive now?

Anyway, I think you did the right thing to break up with him. If he is willing to get a job and treat his depression, then maybe give it a try. If not, he will not change and you will grow to hate his low energy and lack of motivation. I think him being spoiled has a lot to do with this too, but he should get his testosterone checked.

[oldskool83]

honestly sounds like he needed help years ago, he might had some chemical imballance and a few meds would of got him back on track. not sure if you ever looked into that, i prob would of after a solid year of depressed lazyness.


everyone should have a job, dont care what kind but ya need it.

[Dilemma01]

Thank you all for your responses and advice. To answer a few questions.. yes he did seek therapy. He is going two times a week for an hour. He was also put on medication as well, however I am not sure how that is going since I do not speak to him very much. I talk to his brother once in awhile which whom he works with. They have been trying to get their company off the ground for a bit and his brother always complained about him and said he didn't know if he could work with him anymore. He now says that his mood has changed for the better, they don't fight anymore and his head is on a bit better. According to his brother he says he still has hope for us. He did not blame me for walking away and did want to better himself and felt bad that he could not give me what I wanted and that I deserved so much more. It sucks really sucks it took all this time for him to finally start moving.

Andariel, like you mentioned, that too is my concern. Even if he gets it together now, what happens if down the line he gets depressed again and I have to carry the family. That will take a TOLL on the relationship.

Oldskool83- you are right he did need therapy a long time ago but unfortunately, and I mean no disrespect to his family, but no one pushed him, no one paid attention. His parents were too involved in their own lives and insisted on babying him. If that was me, and I was depressed and not working my father would told me to get the F up get a job and forced me into therapy. But everyone is different....

[Dilemma01]

Also- no I don't think he got his testosterone levels checked.. but at first the meds he was on KILLED his sex drive so that depressed him even more and then he switched meds which got it back a little.