Looking for advice on my post-affair marriage problems

[Messicaaa]

Hi everyone, I came across this forum via a search engine and this is my first post. I'll give a background on my situation. My husband and I Met 3 years ago and instantly became best friends. We were only in the same place for about 6 months, and it became a long-distance friendship. We talked everyday and became very close as friends. Around this time last year, while he was deployed to Afghanistan, I began falling in love with him. I told him I had feelings for him, despite my fear that it might ruin our friendship, and he was relieved and told me he's felt the same since we met but never said anything because he didn't think I felt the same.

Fast forward a few months of long-distance dating, we got married in April of this year and I moved cross-country with my now 2yr old son to be with him. Before talk of marriage or even a relationship came up, we both agreed we wanted something serious. And he told me he wanted to settle down, and be daddy to my son (whose father is not in the picture) About a week after we got married I found out he had cheated on me before we got married. The girl was someone he's stationed with, and he had sex with her several times for a week, about two weeks before our wedding. He never planned on telling me, and denied it up until I talked to her on the phone and she told me everything. They both told me it was just sex, not emotional. Not that it hurts any less, but I think it would be worse for me if it was emotional.

After he cried and begged and pleaded with me to give him another chance, I agreed because I do love him and I couldn't imagine my life without him in it. We've been living together for 4 months now, and it is an emotional rollercoaster for both of us. I never thought marriage would be easy, and I've heard the first year is the hardest. However, I believe we're experiencing the aftermath of the affair on top of that. I'm trying to get over it, and learn to trust him again but I'm getting nowhere. Trust has always been hard for me, I've been hurt too many times to give it freely. With my husband it was different, I trusted him more than any other person I've ever been with. I think because we were such good friends, I never in a million years thought he'd hurt me like that. I was wrong, and now I'm not only feeling hurt, but also stupid for putting myself out there like that.

Sometimes the littlest things get me so angry with him. It's almost like I'm unable to cut him any slack on anything, and we fight constantly. I know I give him more of a hard time than he deserves, even though he hurt me like that. And I feel my moodiness might be to blame for his distant, unloving behavior. My husband never tells me I look nice or he's lucky to have me, or thanks me for everything I do for him. I know it might be hard to see the positive in someone who is ugly to you all the time, but I feel like he should be the one putting forth most of the effort to make this work, considering he's the one who cheated. I've told him how I feel and what I need from him, down to sspecifics, several times but he's not changing anything.

Also, although my husband volunteered to be father to my son, he is not doing the best he can. I don't expect him to be perfect, no one is. And he has been thrust into parenting, and my son is not "his" by blood.. But that's what he signed up for. For instance, I have to ask or tell him to help with my son in any way, baths, putting him to bed, etc. And when he does he's not happy about it. He'll bathe my son and not say a word until he gets upset, then tells him "stop crying, all you do is cry" or something to that effect. He's not nurturing or caring to either of us, and he treats taking care of "our" son like it's a chore. He does play with him sometimes and he's never hurt him or anything, but it's just not what I was expecting after months of his telling me he wants to raise him as his own and take care of him and help me with him so I don't have to do it all on my own, etc.. I've also told him about this and said specific things he can say or do to bond with him (he complains that my son loves me more) but no change there either..

I know this is really long and I'm sorry, I have all these things bouncing around in my head and I just don't know what to do. Any input would be so much appreciated. Thank you!

[Wakeup]

Have you considred couples counceling so that you learn to really forgive him for the cheating and he learns to not take his guilt out on you? When you take someone back after they've betrayed a trust, you have to forgive them and they have to care that they've hurt you. Neither of you are doing either of those things. Counceling will help you both resolve resentments and guilt. Go to the library or look online for some fun Father/Son books that will help them bond. One of the greatest ways to bond with a child is while reading to them.

Sorrily, I'm thinking if you don't get help with your partnership and his indifference to your son then this "marriage" will never last the test of time. Unfortunately, You sound miserable.

[vashti]

You made a big mistake in marrying someone with whom you didn't have enough "face time" to decide if he was actually cut out to be a parent.

I bet he thought he WAS ready for parenting someone else's kid, but he's not, and you exposing your child to his cool behavior is bad for your son. You have an obligation as a mother to protect your child's best interests, even ABOVE YOUR OWN. It doesn't seem as though you have been doing this so far. YOu have very little time invested - you should consider your son's best interests and act accordingly. Do not make the mistake of sticking around, hoping for a change in behavior. It is very unlikely to happen, and your son is the one who will pay the price.

His infidelity - in my opinion - is secondary, BTW. Still, you can't trust him, and no relationship survives without trust. THis relationship is doomed. Cut your losses.

[MerryH]

"stop crying, all you do is cry"

Oh man. Does this not just break your heart? I hate to get all, "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!!?" on you, but jeez. That's just so callous. Your little boy doesn't deserve to be castigated for something he can't help. I think you should immediately get him out of this situation where a practical stranger to him is treating him badly.

As far as your marriage, it sounds like it's not working out. I think people can be forgiven for a lot of things, but being uncaring to a child isn't one of them.

[oldskool83]

thing ive learned...sound like a typical army dude...best to leave them alone. but since your wanted to marry him cuz im sure he was sweet as candy before ya got married...prob cuz he want eating his cake and having it too...sorry i had to (its typical of arm guys i see get married) you prob sould get help with him, the abuse will scare you child which as a guy who was in a relationship with a single mom once you cant be doing that shit to the kid, you need major corrective action on the entire package deal. if nothings better in 6 month from the date you start counsiling...theres divorce...and well sucks for him but you'll get a nice portion of his army check....not that you or any woman deserves a portion of someone else yearly wage...but i digress.

hard true to the point...sorry im divorced.

[Messicaaa]

Thank you all for your input. We did go to marriage counseling a few times, and began reading some books on affairs and needs of both spouses. However, my husband told me he does not want to continue marriage counseling. I think I may tell him it's that or divorce because this is not working. I want to clear up that my husband is not always cool to my son, he plays with him and is good with him most of the time, but when he loses his temper and says things like in my original post it bothers me a great deal, and he's not listening and changing it, which is my main concern. My son adores him, calls him daddy and misses him when he's gone. He's not a bad father, but isn't giving it his whole effort to either of us. I do not want to leave him, not just because I'll miss him but because my son will as well.

I guess what I was looking for was advice on what to say to him to get across that things need to change.

[Wakeup]

I guess what I was looking for was advice on what to say to him to get across that things need to change.

Why don't you research some sites in your area that have parental classes or books that will clue him in on what a child your son's age can and cannot be expected to do. I don't think he has a clue on what it takes to be a patient father and if he was educated he'd know how to react to your son not being able to do what he wants him to do.
Maybe even an anger management course might help him?

Further: Why don't you tell your husband what you've told us and that the marital discourse has become so emotionally draining and self-worth stealing that if neither of you can improve on the way you are unable to resolve conflict then you will be terminating the marriage, taking some time to heal (because you do still love him) but you'll no longer enable yourself or him to be poor parental models and piss poor relationship models to your son. See if that wakes him up to how severely unhappy you are with the way things are at the moment. One thing: Mean it if you say it because if you say it and don't do it then you've just told him you're full of shit and he can treat you both indifferently (or worse) and you'll always be there for him even after disrespect.

For him to get it.. you have to spell out your plan. First you have to have a plan though.

[Messicaaa]

Wakeup, thank you so much for your great advice. I plan to have a talk with my husband and relay the way I'm feeling to him. I also think oldskool's idea of setting a time limit for things to get better is a good plan. Thanks again!