Being Secret/Fabebook Double Standard

[confusedman2011]

Let me explain my situation:

I've been dating a girl for about half a year. Things are great and ideal between us except one major stipulation: her divorce isn't final. She's been separated for more than a year and a half and her soon-to-be-ex-husband had been moved out and living several hours away from her for that long. She's been "living single" with her two kids since then. She finally filed officially for divorce at the end of June and within a few weeks the whole thing should be finalized.

Because of this, I totally understand that we should take things easy and slow and not rush into things, especially with her martial status being the way it is. We maintain a relatively healthy relationship and care and love about each other very much. We are exlcusive as boyfriend and girlfriend. Yet concepts like moving in together aren't even on our radar and may not be for a very long time.

Ok, to get to the meat of the matter.....Other than the divorce status, there is one huge thing that irritates me to no end - she refuses to be public about me AT ALL, especially on Facebook. Sure, she will hold hands with me in public and give me the occasional kiss and other PDA, but when it comes to most of her family and friends, I'm non-extistant.

What's worse is when she makes frequent trips out of state (once every couple of months) to her hometown, she will IMMEDIATELY post numerous photos of her with her family and friends on FB. This includes both female and lots of male friends. With the male friends, she will snuggle next to them, wrap her arms around them, etc. A little too closely IMO. According to her, she's always had droves of platonic male friends since high school. I see nothing wrong with having friends with the opposite sex. But I'm insanely jealous that she gets to be so cozy with all these other guys but she won't post one damned photo of me and her.

I've always been pretty secure and confident in myself, and have never been a control freak. But am I justified in feeling this way?

[devonbrown]

Here is a very possible reason: She is not posting pictures of the two of you or being public about the two of you because it will hurt her in the divorce proceedings. The other guys on her FB page her husband (ex-husband to be) probably already knows. But if she posts things about her new boyfriend, then her husband could make life rough for her in the divorce proceedings. I had a friend who did this and her husband fought her tooth and nail in court, getting really nasty and insinuating that she was cheating on him before they separated. It could be a HUGE issue in the divorce proceedings.

So, think about that before you go crazy (crazier) about this. Try to put yourself in her shoes and ask her why she doesn't go public with you.

[confusedman2011]

devonbrown I get what your trying to say...The thing is, I've put myself in her shoes. Her husband isn't even on Facebook but knows about me. I've told her that she didn't even have to mention that I'm a boyfriend on Facebook. But no, nada, nothing. Do you suggest maybe I ask her to remove or untag the dozens of photos of her getting cheek to cheek with her male friends?

[smackie9]

Just stay off FB and push yourself away from the computer. Let it be, for you are just dating, you are not even living together or anything. There's a possiblity she's not looking for something solid atm, that's why she isn't making any annoucements.....not as serious as you thought.

[confusedman2011]

She and I had a fight about it over the weekend. Not going to get into specifics about the argument, but I ended up unfriending her on FB. This REALLY pissed her off. To be honest with you, the unfriending is something I should have done a LONG time ago as this has secretly been eating away at me. Tensions were high for a few days with some roller-coaster discussions, but we've made up and are trying to dust ourselves off and adjust.

My advice to everyone is...don't Facebook friend someone you are dating. Yeah, she and I had become exclusive, but she wasn't ready to acknowledge me online other than rare, quick platonic-sounding comments on my own Wall. Therefore I also would have to advise that boyfriends/girlfriends should stay unfriended until all the kinks have been worked out as far as what each person allows and expects from the other person when it comes to posting on each others walls, posting photos, etc.

[Mathias]

She and I had a fight about it over the weekend. Not going to get into specifics about the argument, but I ended up unfriending her on FB. This REALLY pissed her off. To be honest with you, the unfriending is something I should have done a LONG time ago as this has secretly been eating away at me. Tensions were high for a few days with some roller-coaster discussions, but we've made up and are trying to dust ourselves off and adjust.

My advice to everyone is...don't Facebook friend someone you are dating. Yeah, she and I had become exclusive, but she wasn't ready to acknowledge me online other than rare, quick platonic-sounding comments on my own Wall. Therefore I also would have to advise that boyfriends/girlfriends should stay unfriended until all the kinks have been worked out as far as what each person allows and expects from the other person when it comes to posting on each others walls, posting photos, etc.

Your situation doesn't apply broadly.

[devonbrown]

OP, you aren't realizing that the issue wasn't her acknowledging your relationship on Facebook but instead it was your insecurity. You were upset that she had pictures of her and other guys cheek to cheek and you were jealous. I have a distinct feeling that if Facebook wasn't invented, you would still be having these issues with her because you aren't confident in yourself or your relationship with her. Stop blaming Facebook.

[confusedman2011]

OP, you aren't realizing that the issue wasn't her acknowledging your relationship on Facebook but instead it was your insecurity. You were upset that she had pictures of her and other guys cheek to cheek and you were jealous. I have a distinct feeling that if Facebook wasn't invented, you would still be having these issues with her because you aren't confident in yourself or your relationship with her. Stop blaming Facebook.

I'm going to have to sort of disagree with you. I don't have any qualms with her having male friends and she has no problem with me having female friends. I have no problem with her even hugging men, even right in front of me. It's the double standard that infuriated me. I'm not asking for pics of us kissing, dry humping, playfully doing this out that with sexual overtones....She couldn't even put up a simple, innocent-looking photo of us standing side-by-side and say "this is my friend John" in reference to me. But she can have numerous photos of her at bars and restaurants where she's sitting on their laps, cheek-to-cheek, and her hands are all over them. And just so I don't sound like a looney, I've asked HER friends their assessments on the photos and they agree with me. Even if her soon-to-be-ex-husband was on Facebook (he's not), I would figure that he would have more of a problem with those pics that those of me and her.

To give all this a proper context, she and I are very open and communicative and she's never given me a reason to believe she's cheating on me. We do love and care about each other and try to keep things light, funny and positive all the time with no a minimal of bad attitude or suspicion.

Your situation doesn't apply broadly.

Perhaps not, because some people use Facebook in different ways and for different purposes. There can be exceptions, no doubt. But I think it's still a goof rule of thumb that expectations should be discussed before FB friending.

[Mathias]

Perhaps not, because some people use Facebook in different ways and for different purposes. There can be exceptions, no doubt. But I think it's still a goof rule of thumb that expectations should be discussed before FB friending.

It's really not. This is about your insecurity. Blaming Facebook and then making rules for everyone based on that isn't going to work.

[smackie9]

Confused man I totally get what you mean. Why is it OK for her to acknowledge that she can show she is closes to all these guys, but won't show that she is now in a loving relationship with you...kind of like a slap to the face. Jealousy is not really the issue here or insecurity, it's the fact that being in a committed relationship, you'd think you would be the one, and not a bunch of guys, that there would be pictures of to show how proud and happy she is to be with you, like most people do with or without Facebook....am I right? It's almost as to say, "I want to look like I'm still keeping my options open, and not to let a relationship status interfere with the attention I'm still getting and you are not that important to me."


I can see how that could hurt anyones feelings when you were originally under the impression that you had meaning to their life, but on FB it says otherwise.


Maybe this isn't the right time for her to be in a relationship with you....maybe one part of her wants to feel freedom, but still have someone that cares for her. Having her cake and eat it too maybe?

[JetScreamer]

I agree with smackie. Sounds like a sucky situation and it is a double standard, no doubt. Have you tried explaining, not coming from the direction of her putting up pics of you two, but of just why certain photos of her and other guys are up? Could you nicely ask her to take them down or untag them? Would seem like a decent compromise.

The only other thing I can add is, just wait it out. You say her divorce will be finalized in a few weeks? Maybe after that dust settles you two can talk about befriending again on facebook. Maybe you two could (very slowly, at her own pace) start making things known and official in a public way.

[Mona_B]

Maybe you are all taking Facebook too serious. Actually I talk the least to people I am close to on facebook, because we communicate different. What you do is a total ego-thing, you want the whole world to know she is "yours" and make your mark on her page, so to say on her. I mean, the woman is not even divorced, hello? If you want this relationship to last you should stop getting on her nerves with pity stuff and look at the good sides in your friendship.

I had a fight with someone and was so angry that I put him on Ignore on FB. He did too. Anyway, we made up again and obviously he forgot to take me off his ignore-list. I never said a word and just leave it like this, I figured it is better not to be befriended with someone on FB I have strong feelings for, because that usually leads to real childish reactions. If you are close with someone, you have many other different ways to communicate. So maybe you should unfriend her on facebook if you feel so much need of control.

[vashti]

I don't think you *should* be very public about your relationship while she is still married. She is the mother of two children, and like it or not, she has a reputation to protect. Just be patient - it's almost over. If she doesn't want to acknowledge you after her divorce is final, then I'd be concerned.

[mwahahaha]

Stopped reading when i saw the word "facebook".
Usually a load of shite, when that piss is involved.

[oldskool83]

ive gone thru divorce and shes just being smart about it. when divorces get nasty it can be used to harm another person if lawyers find dirt on your...and trust me they like to. my ex wifes lawyer sent me a personal threat letter. hang in there, once its legal and over she will show you off alittle more. honestly you will thank her once you see the light.