GF feels guilty and not good enough, broke up with me.

[DutchYankee112]

About 2 months ago my then GF of 3 years broke up with me.

Her reasons for breaking up with me were that she felt guilty over certain circumstances in our relationship, and one day when i was talking to a lady friend of mine that reminded her of herself she realised i could easily get another girl without the circumstances she feels guilty over.

Now these circumstances she feels guilty about are the long distance which will require me to sooner or later give up my life here and move to her side of the country.
The second thing she feels guilty about are her mental issues (phobias) which cause her to be afraid of moving the relationship to the next level, that being me moving and her living in with me. So she feels she is holding me back till she's ready for that.

For the past 2 months we have basically been "friends-with-benefits" and every time i try to talk with her about it, which is about once or twice a week, she seems to close up and be resistant about it.

So, about 2 weeks ago i figured it was time to cut back on the affection, intimacy and attention i give her. The effect on her was almost immediate, she was already suffering from a depression and this made it worse till she started having thoughts about selfharming. So she went to her therapist who talked her through it. I am unclear about the details but she said the therapist concluded she still wants my love and feels even more worthless without it.

So i dropped the "low contact" approach for a week to give her time to stabilize. Now she seems more stable and tonight i talked to her about it and she said that she currently feels it's unlikely we'll be a couple again in the future but that every time she got close to wanting to talk about fixing things i already beat her to it and brought it up ahead of time which she said seemed to "reset" her wish to want to talk about it. It's kinda hard to not bring it up for me. When i asked if she would want to be my GF again if she didnt feel guilty or not-special-enough, she said she guesses she would want that.

Now i am doubting what to do. I think i can either be supportive of her and keep giving her love and attention, and having it mostly returned, and wait for her to bring up the subject of fixing our relationship. I might run the risk of being a crutch till she starts dating others.

Or i can pull back and let her miss me and 'starve' her of attention/affection/intimacy till she wants to talk about fixing her reasons for breaking up with me. But i might run the risk of her jumping into a rebound relationship insted. Me pulling back last time actually made her think her feelings of being nothing special were confirmed.

[MerryH]

When i asked if she would want to be my GF again if she didnt feel guilty or not-special-enough, she said she guesses she would want that.

"If the issues that caused you to break up with me didn't exist, would you want to be with me?"
"I guess."

It doesn't seem like she's that into the idea. You nagging her about it a couple of times a week doesn't help, either. You should probably move on. If or when she fixes her issues and wants to be with you, she can come to you.

[IndiReloaded]

Look for the 'Shining Knight' syndrome sticky in the main Love Forum. You deserve a healthy GF. She deserves space to get healthy so she can contribute fully to a relationship. Stop rescuing damsels in distress.

[DutchYankee112]

@IndiReloaded: I am not looking to rescue damsels in distress, not sure if i immediately deserve the "shiny knight syndrome" stamp just because i want a ex back i had a 3 year long healthy and happy relationship with until she started feeling guilty. She needs to deal with this and get over it but i wanted to know what the best thing to do is in the meantime. I guess i have been trying to help her stop feeling guilty over it, which might be shiny knight territory.
From what you are saying though i am guessing you are recommending the option to go low/passive contact and not give her the attention, affection and intimacy i used to give her and start moving on unless she starts coming to me to talk about getting back together or talking through her issues?

@MerryH, it's a bit more than that. The past 3 years whenever she says she guesses she wants something, it means she does want it but is kind of afraid to come out and say it. And her exact words were "I guess so, yeah". But you are right, i should not 'nag' at her, i have been trying not to but often failing, i need to try harder. So you are also recommending low/passive contact till she wants to talk about the break-up and getting back together?

Owh btw, did you people read her exact reasons for feeling guilty and nothing special? What do you think about those?

Lastly, does the option to just stay close to her and have fun times till she wants to talk about taking it back to the next level have any merit at all? Especially considering she felt even less special and more worthless when i went LC with her for about 5 days about 2 weeks ago.

[Twisted_Juliet]

If her reason is guilt over forcing you to give up your life to be with her, and asuming you both love each other then I think you should talk to her and tell her what your take is on the issue so she won't blame herself, in the end it'll be your descion wether you follow her or not. She's a bit unstable so try to be as positive and supportive as you can while you are together and try to remind her and yourself why you got together in the first place.

But if your decision is to move on without her then be tactful and clear, no gray areas and no benefit titles, live your life and let her as well. You said her reasons sounded suspicious but never understimate the weight of knowing you can easily destroy the future and happiness of the one you love I went trough a very similar situation myself, for different reasons, but I just couldn't bring myself to ask him, to leave it all behind and trow away his life? I couldn't not even when he offer, so I made it quick like a bandaid it was painful but it gets better and it comforts me to know he is happy. So good luck and no matter what, just be strong.

[Gypsybell]

About 2 months ago my then GF of 3 years broke up with me.

Her reasons for breaking up with me were that she felt guilty over certain circumstances in our relationship, and one day when i was talking to a lady friend of mine that reminded her of herself she realised i could easily get another girl without the circumstances she feels guilty over.

Now these circumstances she feels guilty about are the long distance which will require me to sooner or later give up my life here and move to her side of the country.
The second thing she feels guilty about are her mental issues (phobias) which cause her to be afraid of moving the relationship to the next level, that being me moving and her living in with me. So she feels she is holding me back till she's ready for that.

For the past 2 months we have basically been "friends-with-benefits" and every time i try to talk with her about it, which is about once or twice a week, she seems to close up and be resistant about it.

So, about 2 weeks ago i figured it was time to cut back on the affection, intimacy and attention i give her. The effect on her was almost immediate, she was already suffering from a depression and this made it worse till she started having thoughts about selfharming. So she went to her therapist who talked her through it. I am unclear about the details but she said the therapist concluded she still wants my love and feels even more worthless without it.

So i dropped the "low contact" approach for a week to give her time to stabilize. Now she seems more stable and tonight i talked to her about it and she said that she currently feels it's unlikely we'll be a couple again in the future but that every time she got close to wanting to talk about fixing things i already beat her to it and brought it up ahead of time which she said seemed to "reset" her wish to want to talk about it. It's kinda hard to not bring it up for me. When i asked if she would want to be my GF again if she didnt feel guilty or not-special-enough, she said she guesses she would want that.

Now i am doubting what to do. I think i can either be supportive of her and keep giving her love and attention, and having it mostly returned, and wait for her to bring up the subject of fixing our relationship. I might run the risk of being a crutch till she starts dating others.

Or i can pull back and let her miss me and 'starve' her of attention/affection/intimacy till she wants to talk about fixing her reasons for breaking up with me. But i might run the risk of her jumping into a rebound relationship insted. Me pulling back last time actually made her think her feelings of being nothing special were confirmed.

It's hard work, mate, loving someone with mental instability. Best think long and hard about whether you want this to be your life. If you feel she is the one, then don't try to figure it out by playing manipulative games ( Withholding love and intimacy is manipulative.) You can do great harm and no good at all. Just make a decision (which is probably what she is trying to manipulate out of you!) Either you love her, warts and all, or you leave her. Clean break. Her instability can't cope with the stress of slow torture. And you're not faring too well with it, either. right? If you plan to stay, then get professional advice about the reality of her 'phobias'. Preferably couple advice from her treating therapist. NEVER trust a patient's self presentation of their own mental disorder( and self harming is a serious disorder from deepseated insecurities, Don't screw with it on an intimate level). If she is not ready for a committed relationship, then you would be wise to respect that, for both your sakes, but you need pro help to determine this.

Its possible she's playing you and wants out of the 'heavy' aspects of a committed relationship, but wants you to do the breaking up, because she's too weak, or this may be just another self destruct mechanism (self harming people have very low self esteem, and diabolically, that's their comfort zone, whilst happiness isn't, it is scary, big subject!)

However, I am seeing another probability (based on what you have written).

See what's under your nose. You stated that you were quite fine for three years and then she got all hung up after seeing you interact with someone else? And You can't see that what she is really saying is she's jealous and needs reassurance that you are not finding someone else more attractive and less trouble than she is. She is withholding herself from deepening intimacy because she's afraid it won't last and that YOU think she's not good enough!

Just alternative possibilities for you to consider. But please do not base your decision entirely on an anonymous advice. Depression is serious shit. I wish you well.

[DutchYankee112]

I believe she's worth it and i love her, warts and all.

It's funny you mentioned not playing mindgames. I have been very open to her about the things i feel and do in relation to her because i dont like mindgames and id love to work together with her to get through this. My preference would be to just interact with her as before and have fun together, it's the least stressful to myself. But in that case i would need to get the self discipline to stop talking about the break and her reasons etc. Ironically, if i had done so from the moment of the break she would very likely have come to ME several times by now and been more receptive to kind words and reassurance that she is not making me do anything bad by me moving to her town and waiting for her to be ready for that next step. I've been really having lots of fun with her in the mean time.

It's true that this other girl i was talking to was the spark that made her tell me about the guilt she's been feeling, and jealously probably counts as she feels this other girl is just like her but without the need to move, or wait for her.

Specifically, she feels that i have options and that she's not special therefor not worth the extra effort.

I have been trying to reassure her on all aspects the past 2 months but sadly i should not have done that unless she came to me insted.

Me pulling away last week did make things worse for her, and she did get this "see, he's pulling away, im worthless" reaction.

[bulrush]

If her insecurities are so great that she cannot make up her mind, or communicate clearly, she's going to be trouble forever. Better to avoid all that long-term hurt and just move on. She needs to deal with her own issues, before she can form a good solid relationship with good, clear communication, which is one foundation of a good relationship. I'm sure she's nice, but she's just going to keep hurting you over and over with her wishy-washy thinking and insecurities. You need more stability than that, I think.

Does she have depression, where she always looks at the bad side of things? Is she getting meds for whatever she has?

[DutchYankee112]

Sure she's nice, but she's just going to keep hurting you over and over with her wishy-washy thinking and insecurities. You need more stability than that, I think.

Does she have depression, where she always looks at the bad side of things? Is she getting meds for whatever she has?

Well, in 3 years she's been very stable in this relationship. Only the last 9 months of the relationship has she slowly been building up guilt about this until the powderkeg blew when she saw me interacting with another girl, which made her think that if she wasnt 'holding me back', i would be able to date this girl insted.
If her being 'wishy-washy' was a recurring event during the relationship i would already been running away as far as i can. But i certainly would not consider it a defining feature of her, or our relationship.

She does have a depression and she does get meds for it and occassional therapy. Sadly the therapy is being limited to just keeping her from harming herself but not fixing the core issues, if she wants more help she will have to pay lots of money for it. Go figure.

The depression gives her periodic sad moods of course, and in those cases she tends to have a bit of a bleaker outlook on things naturally.

[bulrush]

Ok, then I agree with your analysis. She easily slips into "slumps" or depressive moods. What happens if her mood gets worse over time? She seems to have these irrational bouts of depression, she acts on them, and that hurts you. Since you are the poster, my advice was to limit how much you get hurt.

The final decision is up to you.

[IndiReloaded]

She sounds like she's dealing with some kind of trauma. Something peculiar about source of the 'guilt'. If it was something out of her control she needs counselling. If it was something she did due to bad choices, you should probably break and give her space to grow up. Otherwise, I predict you will eventually permanently split even if you get back together now. Her self-esteem sounds wrecked. Noone can help you with that, its the kind of thing you need to learn to take for yourself.

Why don't you ask her to post here anonymously? If you are worried about your previous posts, just delete your first post and the thread will disappear.

[DutchYankee112]

The cause of the guilt is in my first post.

The circumstances are pretty much not her fault or in her control if you ask me, 1 is the fact that sooner or later i would have to move to her hometown/country to live with her, which would require me to quit my job and life here. It might be possible for her to move to my hometown insted but she would have to give up a LOT more of her social contacts and life than me. It's easier for me.

The other circumstance is her fear and social phobia surrounding moving in with me once i move to her. She's not quite ready for that yet but in this she has atleast made some progress and there are some things we can still try if/once she gets motivated for it again.

Overal the past 3 years she has actually made quite a lot of progress in dealing with her mental issues, and i think there is a good chance she might get over this issue in time if she's stable and capable of processing things logically. And she has stated a few times that she knows she isnt thinking logically and she even called herself being a bit of a hypocrite but is still feeling these bad feelings of being not worth it.

[DutchYankee112]

It seems that whenever i dont feel so good she tends to notice it right away and figure out (correctly) that the break up is responsible. So she also feels guilty about the break up, and making me fall in love with her in the first place when she 'chased me' to get noticed 3 years ago.

For a girl with a very high IQ, she sure can be silly sometimes...

[Cerby]

It seems that whenever i dont feel so good she tends to notice it right away and figure out (correctly) that the break up is responsible. So she also feels guilty about the break up, and making me fall in love with her in the first place when she 'chased me' to get noticed 3 years ago.

For a girl with a very high IQ, she sure can be silly sometimes...

Hi Dutch, You appear to be slectively hearing advice in this thread, fighting to hear validation of your own thoughts and not accepting the reality of it.

- After 3 years, her mental issues have caught up with her
- She stated that she doesn't see you two as a couple again
- She doesn't bring up fixing the relationship, but says "oh, if you hadn't brought it up I would have, but now you did so I don't want to".

At work we use this acronym: RHFA, it means Remove Head From Ass. Start seeing the situation for what it is. Pull back COMPLETELY, and tell her you'll talk to her again when she wants to talk about you as a couple. Absense makes the heart fonder.

[DutchYankee112]

Hi Dutch, You appear to be slectively hearing advice in this thread, fighting to hear validation of your own thoughts and not accepting the reality of it.

- After 3 years, her mental issues have caught up with her
- She stated that she doesn't see you two as a couple again
- She doesn't bring up fixing the relationship, but says "oh, if you hadn't brought it up I would have, but now you did so I don't want to".

At work we use this acronym: RHFA, it means Remove Head From Ass. Start seeing the situation for what it is. Pull back COMPLETELY, and tell her you'll talk to her again when she wants to talk about you as a couple. Absense makes the heart fonder.

Actually i have listened and taken into account the things said and adviced here. I am not selectively hearing things and listened to all arguments. But that doesnt mean that just because i havent made a decision yet that my "head is in my ass", so i believe that was uncalled for....

I have to admit however that i am scared of making the wrong decision. The advice to pull back certainly has merit and seems like a good choice to pursue. To tell you the truth though folks, the reason why i havent pulled back to LC or NC for more than 4-5 days is that i was worried it would just make things worse. But i suppose LC/NC would be the best way to go for myself, and her.
The previous attempt to go LC by me was started by me telling her i was going to cut back and only treat her as a regular online contact/friend, which practically means the same as the LC situation i described above. She mentioned yesterday that it felt awful to her because of how quickly and seemingly easily i "got over her", and she felt it was like going "cold turkey". Between that 4-5 day LC period and today she has realised that i do indeed still feel much for her and that it also wasnt easy for me, so this LC will have a less immediate, severe effect but if she still feels as much for me as she kept saying, she should start missing me.

Circumstances make it not possible to go completely NC, but going LC is certainly possible. I will not initiate any talks or activities with her, moments where she approaches me for small talk i will only give a short friendly acknowledgement so that i am not rude or mean but i also do not encourage further talks that are not beneficial to us, i will not make it a priority to respond quickly like i used to do, she will get no special treatment. And i will focus a lot of time on my hobbies and my own life/friends so that if she asks to do stuff together, i will be busy, or not in the mood right now. Moments where i cannot avoid contact with her due to mutual social activities and hobbies i will keep it to a minimum. Knowing her reaction from last time i went LC, this should be sufficient to make her miss me after a while and build up an urge to want to talk about "us".

So what do you wise people think, does the above sound like a good plan/approach? I know it's not NC, but it's still darn close compared to the normal daily interaction from the past 3 years. And it did have a heavy effect on her when i tried it 2-3 weeks ago.

Owh man, im bad at this. :/